Overzealous Grandparents

Shortstack06 · September 2014

So this is a misery loves company thread. The closer we get it seems like the drama is picking up(at least for me) and I want to hear your vent/stories about baby's grandparents.

I am a FTM (for those that don't know) and I am currently working. I quit to be a SAHM, but went back. The company I work for offered 6 weeks paid vacation and 6 weeks unpaid. I was planning on going back and using my mom 4 days a week as a baby sitter and my sister 1. My parents have a vacation home in Florida (we live in PA) and they spend a month there at a time usually and go frequently. They are planning on going in April and have told my sister that they are just going to take my child so I don't have to worry about child care. They haven't mentioned it to me but in what sane world do they think that I or my husband would let that happen? I know we are going to butt heads when I get off work and go to get my child and my mom went shopping or something. This is just a small bit that my mom has said but it is the most irritating at the moment.

krystrist2014 · September 2014

:-O what the what?!? How can they possibly think it is okay to just decide that this is what they are going to do instead of offering it to you as a possibility and letting you think it over and discuss with DH?! Its nice that they are trying to help...but they cant just make that decision.

smack427 · September 2014

What! They want to take your LO for a month to another state? I can't even imagine being away for a night or two.

nopegoat · September 2014

I would laugh in their idiotic faces. Seriously who in their right mind would think it would ever be OK to just take a newb away from their parents for a month MILES away. It has to be some kind of joke. No one is that insane, right?!

Manateearmz · September 2014

That's crazy. Things like this are the reason that I pay for daycare full-time.

Shortstack06 · September 2014

She hasn't actually said it to me, but she has a few times to my sister and my aunt. I told her I was looking at day cares for part time and it was like the world collapsed. My husband just rolls his eyes and says no way. I will go back to a SAHM status before that happens. I freaking cried dropping my dog off at a kennel, I would be a mess.

feeshah · September 2014

Oh boy. What IS it with some grandparents that they think they can just do stuff like that?
My mother is the same way. She will just do shit and not ask me like it's all good. For example, cut off all of DD hair. I know it's not the same as taking LO out of state for a month but kind of the same concept. I truely don't believe it is done out of spite or any ill will. They just don't consider what the parents think.
I have had to be rather firm with my mom about things. I feel bad sometimes but oh well. She just rented a cabin for four days (thur-sun) for Halloween at this resort place and asked when we could drop off DD. Ummmm, DD has school thur and Friday. I have work Friday and Saturday and DH has school Friday till the evening. Plus she lives an hour away. I'm not saying DD can't go, but a little heads up would have been nice before you all out paid for four days. I told her that she can get DD after school on Friday. My mother was disappointed to not have her for the entire four days but it's better then nothing.

Any who, stand up and be firm.

Shortstack06 · September 2014

@ashtonkitty1 my sister tells her she is in for a rude awakening. My sister has 8 year old twins and she was a SAHM for the first 3 years and rarely let them spend the night at grandparents house. They have wanted to take her kids the last two summers and she said no each time.

mrsrroberson · September 2014

Definitely a no! I'm already annoyed that my sister wants to have her own car seat and pack n play. She's not even going to be my baby sister!

Eora3 · September 2014

This is why you don't use family for childcare. It is not a professional childcare situation and you have no recourse if they ignore all your rules and just basically do what they want with your child.

Solution: Hire professional certified people to care for your children. Hire professionals that know CPR and don't rely on child-rearing practices from 30 years ago.

If you aren't happy about it, don't just complain and look for sympathy. Do something about it.

smack427 · September 2014

@Shortstack06‌ I'm glad your sis is on the same page as you. Did she say anything to her when she made that comment?

LiliansMama14 · September 2014

Wow!! My parents are the exact same way! They have even came up with the crazy idea that we will have some sort of "joint custody" deal. Like they get her every weekend or something. I laughed in there faces and walked out the door. I am also FTM and this is there first grand baby but damn. Calm down.

weezy29 · September 2014

I did let out a small laugh about them taking the baby to Florida for a month. Oh my!!! That's just a bit much.....

On the other hand, I think it must be awesome to have parents that want to spend time with their grand kids. In 9 years, my kids have only stayed with either grandparent(my mom and his) for two nights. Once. Why can't there be a happy medium?!

Shortstack06 · September 2014

@feeshah‌ I think I would still be upset about a hair cut and I am going to have to be firm. @mrsrroberson‌ If she isn't doing child care I would be confused on the car seat, but if you visit a lot the pack and play might be nice there. @Eora3‌ my husband and I decided we would try this with my mom and if it doesn't work out and we keep having problems, I am going to do the SAHM route. My income wouldn't be worth the extra traveling, cost of care, and none of the local day cares will allow breast milk, they only do formula so that is another downfall. I looked at care.com a few times to see about doing a nanny that comes to the house, but that makes me nervous too.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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Shortstack06 · September 2014

@smack427‌ my mom just shrugs it off I guess.

Manateearmz · September 2014

Say what? None of your local DC's allow you to bring breast milk? That can't be right.

Shortstack06 · September 2014

Manateearmz said:

Say what? None of your local DC's allow you to bring breast milk? That can't be right.

I live and work in a small town and there are two day cares. Each day care said their refrigerator holds milk for the older kids and other perishables for snacks and they feel other children may get a hold of it if they get milk or such out. So they were not wanting to accommodate for it.

mrsrroberson · September 2014

@Shortstack06‌ I'm thinking she thinks she'll just be able to pick up baby and take her places.... Again, no. Lol

Manateearmz · September 2014

Shortstack06 said:

Manateearmz said:

Say what? None of your local DC's allow you to bring breast milk? That can't be right.

I live and work in a small town and there are two day cares. Each day care said their refrigerator holds milk for the older kids and other perishables for snacks and they feel other children may get a hold of it if they get milk or such out. So they were not wanting to accommodate for it.

---------QBF--------------
Holy crap. That's just wrong. So they allow kids access to the fridge? Do they have all of the infants in with the older kids?

Ya no, I wouldn't put my kid in there if they weren't accommodating for breast feeding, that would raise so many red flags about their level of care.

Eora3 · September 2014

Have you looked for a local liscensed in-home daycare? You might be able to save your sanity, pay less, and get your LO breastmilk.

I know these things can be extremely complicated especially when finances are tight. I know it is hard to turn down well meaning help from family, but if you are not being respected as the final decision maker, that is a huge red flag. If your mother thinks she can make a decision to take your child out of state without discussing with you, what other decisions is she making about your child without consulting you?

I have seen these situations get really ugly time and time again. It is like lending money to family members: sure it sounds good, but it only causes drama in the long run.

rshamos · September 2014

I'm so sorry. I hope you get an amicable solution!

Shortstack06 · September 2014

@Eora3 I did look into two in home, one is my cousin's mom. She is a sweet woman, but I am on the fence because she also has her own grandchildren there. I know my child would not be neglected per say but I feel the grandchildren take precedence. It may be an irrational over reaction, but she is my best option if we do child care. The other I called and my husband said absolutely not, he worked in their house and said it is disgusting. That it is dirty and the bathroom has mold in some places. I know I am trying to keep drama and hurt feelings down by allowing her to start watching the baby but ultimately I am going to have to put my foot down and stand up for myself as soon as any issue arises.

Shortstack06 · September 2014

Manateearmz said:

Manateearmz said:

Say what? None of your local DC's allow you to bring breast milk? That can't be right.

I live and work in a small town and there are two day cares. Each day care said their refrigerator holds milk for the older kids and other perishables for snacks and they feel other children may get a hold of it if they get milk or such out. So they were not wanting to accommodate for it.
---------QBF-------------- Holy crap. That's just wrong. So they allow kids access to the fridge? Do they have all of the infants in with the older kids? Ya no, I wouldn't put my kid in there if they weren't accommodating for breast feeding, that would raise so many red flags about their level of care.

I actually think the older kids(4-5 and not in school yet) are the ones to get the snacks together for the younger ones or something. I was a little Leary.

Kmm1023 · September 2014

I live in PA also, April is still winter most years will your mom take me to Florida for the month?

what planet is she living on? I am lucky my parents are awesome!

My SIL however was driving me nuts a few months ago. She was saying how she needed all this baby gear for her house and kept talking about coming to the house and taking the baby. I finally told her to stop telling me she was going to take the child who was still in my womb and that the last thing she should say to a hormonal pregnant lady was that she was going to take their child! She finally got the hint and backed off...for now!

Manateearmz · September 2014

Shortstack06 said:

Manateearmz said:

Shortstack06 said:

Manateearmz said:

Say what? None of your local DC's allow you to bring breast milk? That can't be right.

I live and work in a small town and there are two day cares. Each day care said their refrigerator holds milk for the older kids and other perishables for snacks and they feel other children may get a hold of it if they get milk or such out. So they were not wanting to accommodate for it.

---------QBF--------------
Holy crap. That's just wrong. So they allow kids access to the fridge? Do they have all of the infants in with the older kids?

Ya no, I wouldn't put my kid in there if they weren't accommodating for breast feeding, that would raise so many red flags about their level of care.

I actually think the older kids(4-5 and not in school yet) are the ones to get the snacks together for the younger ones or something. I was a little Leary.

----QBF AGAIN------

Not sure about your state regulations, but all the ones here require a food handlers license......pretty sure they're breaking a lot of rules here.

That is scary.

Shortstack06 · September 2014

I agree. I think they actually take state funding and that a lot of the children go free because their parents can't afford child care.

ColeyCannoli · September 2014

Wow, I can't help but laugh at how absurd that is. They don't get to just kidnap your baby for a month. My mother is being a weirdo about things too. She wants to buy a car seat for her car and a pack and play for her house, but she hasn't actually visited us in years. I'm sure she'll come by more often when I have a baby but it's hilarious to me that she thinks she'll be driving my baby anywhere without me. She's certainly not doing childcare since she lives 1.5 hours away (plus she's terrible with little kids). Thankfully DH's mom is way more sane and lives a lot closer.

hollieandaaron2012 · September 2014

Yikes. And to think I thought my MIL was crazy for buying a crib for her house! She has only ever been to our house twice ( we live 2 hours away and have lived here for two years) yet she thinks the baby will be at her house enough to justifying buying a crib! I don't think she realizes the baby will be where ever I am and my husband can't just go up there for a few days with just the baby and not me like he does now. Oh well at least they are excited!

mlee116 · September 2014

I have to agree with @Eora3 and @Manateearmz on this. Your MIL is crazy. This is exactly why family childcare is nice in theory, but not always in reality. My mom kept DS for a few months and the arrangement was negatively affecting our relationship. I won't go into too many details, but a lot of things I wanted were not being done and she felt like she had every right to criticize DH and I because watching DS gave her authority to do so. If I said anything about it, she got mad because she felt like she was doing us a favor. And we were actually paying her! I ended up putting him in DC a few months later and it was the best decision ever. My life became 10x easier and our relationship improved. Plus DS enjoyed it a lot more!

With family childcare, you have little to no leverage to enforce what you want (even more so if you aren't paying them) and you can't address concerns without some hurt feelings. I know you said DCs are scarce where you live, but what about a nanny? I also find it hard to believe that the DCs don't allow breastmilk. Have you talked to the director/state reg office to verify this? I can't imagine that at either one of those DCs, no parent has ever brought pumped milk for their child.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'd be researching every possible option so that you don't have to settle for using your MIL as childcare if you already know now that she is overstepping her boundaries.

Valentinaaaa22 · October 2014

My in laws at one point decided that the crib would be placed in their room. I shot that down real quick!! I also see hell in the horizon with the way my in laws are with their nieces and nephews, they completely ignore all rules the parents have and do things how they want... I definitely will not stand around for that.. My rules for my son will be followed and if they don't like it they can have another child of their own to raise how they want and take whenever they want... My son will not be part of that nonsense.

kyleem1 · October 2014

This sounds like something my MIL would do! She told me the other day that she would bring baby home from the hospital for us! Uh no, I don't think so. All you can do is laugh and brush it off!

Shortstack06 · October 2014

pooky08 said:
@Shortstack06‌ you live around Pittsburgh, right? Anywhere near North Huntingdon/Irwin by chance? (Westmoreland County)

Not that I live there, but my family does and I could recommend a great daycare if you didn't live too far away.

I am actually south, closer to the WV line.

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