Smoking in Law

totesmcgoats · October 2014

So FTM here....a big worry (even before getting pregnant) has been that my father in law smokes so much. In the house, car, even with me pregnant he makes NO effort to go outside to smoke, just lights up in front of me and contined to chain smoke the whole time I'm visiting, not even bothering to move from his chair. He smokes so much, you can smell it on the front porch before you even open the door! DH and I sometimes say to each other before going to their house- "let's shower when we get home instead of before" bc we know we will smell so bad. My sister in law has had many arguments with my MIL and FIL about this. She has 2 older kids with asthma and they are always miserable at their house for family parties. He will stand by the front door and smoke- still not outside, but then the whole house just gets cold! He gets VERY touchy about it, like WE are just being whiny. They host Christmas and all I can think about is sticking my newborn baby in that smoke filled house with smoke filled carpet and YUCK! Both of my sister in laws will have fairly new babies too. We've talked about this situation to each other but have come up with no solution. My MIL would be crushed if we came around less bc of the smoke. I doubt I'll be up to go out on Xmas anyways since I'm due the 17th.
Sorry For the long post! Any advice on the smoking thing? He's tried to quit but I don't see an end in sight.

totesmcgoats · October 2014

Thanks. My SIL has done these things and caused huge fights. They both get so mad at her and my brother in law. Maybe if we all rebel it will start to sink in. It's sad. Even my husband is torn.

katykat03 · October 2014

I'm in the same boat. My inlaws smoke in their house and cars, etc. I've told DH that I can't go over there anymore because I leave coughing excessively and feeling like crap. We will sit down and talk to them about baby visiting and no smoking, but if they continue to smoke when we visit with baby, then their visits will be limited to our house. I'm not exposing my newborn to cigarette smoke.

Shortstack06 · October 2014

Talk to your SIL's and plan an alternate location for Christmas. If you all form a united front it may get the point across. I refuse to take my child around my MIL's family because of the smoking. I think there may also be a thread with someone having a similar issue a few months ago.

MrsNash37212 · October 2014

Consider this your first true parenting experience. This baby will be completely reliant on you for protection and making decisions that impact their lifelong health. There will be plenty of times in your life where you cannot protect them and they will have to learn some tough lessons. This is not one of those times. It is up to you and you alone to protect them. Don't fail them right off the bat. Make a stand for your child. Personally, even walking into that house would be a non starter for me. Third hand smoke is horrifically bad for anyone. They would only be allowed to visit/ meet up with us if FIL were in clean clothes and did not smoke. Their choice. End of discussion.

drmh22 · October 2014

We had sort of a similar situation. DHs grandma offered to stay with us and watch the baby from February until May when I get out of school, which is super generous. Only issue was that she smoked like a chimney. When she came to stay with us for short periods, she would never smoke inside, but everything would smell like smoke within a day or two because she did it so much. We told her immediately that we appreciate her offer, but she will not be able to stay unless she quits entirely. This is a woman who smoked since she was 16. She has finally quit, so as long as she doesn't start up again, were good! We also told our moms who both smoke that we do not want them smoking around our baby at all. Even if they go outside and then come in and hold her, it's not acceptable to us.
It sounds like your family is not as receptive as mine, but you need to make your feelings known and stick to them. They will be mad at first, but no grandparents can stay mad once that baby comes. They will do what you ask in order to see that baby.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, good luck and stay strong!

MGWC · October 2014

If this is an issue even amongst the SIL's and your DH acknowledges it, I say one of the three of you offer to host Christmas. At some point the parents need to realize it's not what is most comfortable or convenient for them anymore.
My parents are divorced (my mother still holds a massive grudge against my father), and I live in the same town as my dad, so he and my step-mom are offering to host Christmas. I'm due Christmas Eve and have made it clear to my mom she will have to come to their house if she plans to see me. I'm not going to stress over hosting the holiday just so she feels better about herself.
Same with your FIL. Host events elsewhere and tell him he can smoke outside!

BdblZ · October 2014

I ditto what a few others recommended about forming a united front with your SIL. Have an alternate location for holidays, and refuse to go to their home until they stop smoking, and basically get their entire home fumigated.

courtd2 · October 2014

Can anyone host Christmas at their house this year? With the homeowner clearly stating that he can't smoke in the house. Not his house, not his rules.

I would just not attend, and explain why. /Sorrynotsorry.

Disneygeek77 · October 2014

You are going to be a mama soon so that means your inner mama bear needs to come out. You need to prioritize your child's health and well being over the feelings of selfish adults and yes they are selfish. Anyone that cares more about getting the Christmas she wants over the health and well-being of her children and her asthmatic and newborn grandchildren is selfish, extremely selfish.

She obviously doesn't care about your SIL and BIL's feelings, she doesn't care about their children's feelings and she won't care about your feelings. So I don't understand why everyone is bending over backwards for her. Why are her feelings more important than so many others ? Is it because she will throw a temper tantrum and you all back down instead of standing up for what is right ?

Crystal7perry · October 2014

Nothing new to add but just wanted to say that I agree with PP's. This is your child's LIFE we're talking about here. It's not something you mess around with. It's really tough luck for the in-laws if they take it poorly. They can do what they want to their own bodies but they should be concerned enough about their grandchildren's health to accept your decision. It's not like you're going out on a limb with some crazy theory... The harm of second hand smoke is well documented. Stand your ground, mama. Good luck!

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runnerbikergirl · October 2014

I think this will feel like less of a dilemma once your baby arrives. The "mama bear" instict will probably kick in and you won't worry about hurting other people's feelings in order to protect your baby! I would probably never set foot in that house again!

kimba1976 · October 2014

This is a crappy situation and I really wish I had an easy solution, but unfortunately your in-laws are just going to have to deal with their hurt feelings and anger on their own. It would be irresponsible of you to take a new baby into that environment and your in-laws sound unbelievably selfish for making you feel guilty for not wanting to take your baby into a house filled with smoke. I'd be furious if I was you. Maybe you just have to accept that you're going to have a small low key Christmas at home with just you, husband, and baby.

BrideLinds · October 2014

I would get with your sisters in law about moving the celebration to one of your houses. FIL and MIL can come and smoke outside.

My MIL typically smokes in her house but will take it outside when we visit. We also made her change her clothes when DD was a newborn.

AngelSong76 · October 2014

Ugh, he sounds selfish and just gross. If he respected you and/or cared about your baby, he wouldn't smoke around you. Period. I would never step into that house again. It sounds disgusting. But then, I am really sensitive to smoke and it literally makes me sick. So I have zero tolerance for it around me and my family.

amedbery · October 2014

Yeah your ILs sound selfish and unreasonable and I am surprised you are willing to risk going over there pregnant - second hand smoke can lead to pre-term labor and low birth weight. I would not expose my children to unnecessary danger to appease people who clearly are unconcerned with my childrens' well being. I'd tell them that holiday celebrations are moved and they can come if they wish.

RayRay007 · October 2014

I wouldn't go to that house, pregnant or with kids or not. I wouldn't worry about their feelings. They'd have to be living under a rock to not know that ppl don't want to expose themselves or their children to that. Why don't you suggest having Christmas at a neutral location, like a siblings or, in my family my gma has a condo with a common room where we'll have dinner.

totesmcgoats · October 2014

It's so touchy. My MIL would be devastated if we (or my SILs) asked to host. My husband has brought it up before and my FIL just shuts him down. Also, my husband brought up that his argument will be "I raised 3 boys smoking all along and they are all healthy and fine." What's funny is my SIL was asking them to babysit tonight for their LO and they were going to "have a talk" with them about not smoking in the house while she's there. I'm very curious to see how it goes.

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Serunatu · October 2014

Nope. If they are hurt by you not bringing the baby around the house because they won't comply with no smoking, that is their problem not yours! I would be giving them two simple options: don't smoke inside and see me and the baby at Christmas, or smoke inside and don't see me!

marriedinaugust · October 2014

I haven't read the responses but smoking is a deal breaker for me. Luckily no one in my family smokes. I wouldn't give a rat's ass that their feelings are hurt. Their feelings vs baby's health...no brainer! I would not attend any events at their house, ever. I am asthmatic and smoke is one of my biggest triggers, no way in hell I would let my baby near that. I wouldn't even let them hold baby in my home if they reek of smoke.

aksue22 · October 2014

I've had 3 grandparents die from lung disease. My mother's first baby was stillborn and my older brother was 5 weeks premature with lung issues...because she smoked for both pregnancies. My dad grew up in a smoker's household and had asthma. Same for my husband. This would not even be a question for me. I wouldn't be around it now and would definitely not expose my baby to it. But I am the kind of person who doesn't understand why people smoke at all nowadays.

Eora3 · October 2014

Why on earth are MIL and FIL's feelings so damn important? They don't seem "devastated" to be jeopardizing the health and wellbeing of their family members. What selfish assholes! I cannot believe that you all tip toe around them and cater to them at the expense of your own health.

This isn't a "MIL and FIL" problem, this is a "You don't have the guts to protect your own child" problem. You can stop exposing your child to toxic chemicals at any time, you are just too afraid to hurt anyone's feelings to do it. Grow a backbone and protect your child. Anyone not interested in prioritizing the health of a child over the convenience of a self-centered old couple is seriously screwed up.

SeahorseMama · October 2014

I'm just chiming in to agree with what everyone else has already told you. While I understand you don't want to cause a riff in your relationship with your ILs, your family's health comes before their feelings. They are adults who can make their own choices, but that means it is their choice of whether or not smoking is more important to them than seeing their grandchildren. I honestly wouldn't be going over there while pregnant, either, if it's as bad as you say. Having a new baby is the perfect time to change holiday traditions. Yes, your MIL might not like the change, but it is her choice in the end if she decides to resist and miss out on spending Christmas with her son and grandchild just so that FIL can smoke. Remember, it's your child, and your rules.

MrsNash37212 · October 2014

Devastated over the consequences for a decision that THEY have made? Tough shit. That's a lesson they should have learned decades ago. Actions have consequences. In this case, they can be the ones to suffer those consequences or you can force your innocent LO to suffer consequences for their actions. So who is it going to be? Your child or your moronic in laws? Your choice. Be a mother.

Disneygeek77 · October 2014

1. Your husband and his siblings are lucky that they are fine and healthy. Very lucky. Many many others have had lifelong and even deadly health problems due to their parents smoking habits.

2. Your husband and his siblings are fine now. You have know idea what the future holds for them.

3. Stop letting them control you with their feelings.

Look, your MIL isn't stupid. She has learned that when she throws a fit or acts " devastated " she gets what she wants. She is no different than a kid having a temper tantrum in the middle of the toy aisle. If acting this way gets her what she wants, she will keep doing it.

Did you know second and third hand smoke puts a newborn at risk for SIDS ? Is it worth risking SIDS in order to spare your MIL's feelings ?

You are going to be a parent and at a certain point you are going to have to come to terms with MIL being disappointed. This won't be the first or the last time you guys will disappoint her and it won't be the end of the world. I have had to disappoint my parents when we told them we wouldn't be there for Christmas morning anymore, but you know what ? The world kept on spinning. My goodness, it's not like you are telling them you won't be seeing them ever, you are only saying it won't be at their house and she won't be hosting Christmas from now on. I mean come on, this is getting ridiculous. Is your MIL being able to use her nice Christmas plates worth risking you child's health ? Stop being a pushover and do what is right for yourself and your baby.

She is entitled to her feelings, but that is on her, not you both. It is not your family's job to make sure she is happy. Especially at the expense of yourself and your child.

totesmcgoats · October 2014

Thanks everyone. You got me all amped up to make the choice. (Some people a little nicer than others-haha!) done and done.

rshamos · October 2014

OP, just wanted to add that even if they stop smoking entirely in their house, the house will still reek and have chemicals in it for YEARS. It's not just about them not smoking in front of the kids, they need to move for their house for it to be okay. Your best option is to just not go over there anymore. Good luck!

Disneygeek77 · October 2014

I am happy to hear you gathered the courage to do the right thing.

Prepare yourself for a huge battle. She will either throw a huge fit or be very sad. Remind yourself and your husband that you can't control her reaction and her emotions and her feelings are her own. You both do not have the burden of making sure your MIL and FIL are happy. There is also a difference between hurting someone and harming someone. You would hurt her feelings, but you are not harming her. She will eventually get over her hurt feelings.

If they do give you a hard time, just come back and read this post. Notice that you got comments from lots of women from all walks of life and from all over the world and not one person said you should give your MIL what she wants. Everybody said that this is a hill to die on and you need to protect your little baby from the toxic chemicals that have saturated their home. So please don't waver and stay strong.

kirstey728 · October 2014

I laid down the line with my smoking relatives. I told them of they wanted to see my son, they would not smoke around him. Period. It's your baby and your decision. This matter isn't something you can worry about any body else's feelings about. Just lay down the line... It's all about your little ones health.

erynpdx · October 2014

Would love an update OP!

AngelSong76 · October 2014

Glad you have made the right decision, OP. You may have to continue making this decision over and over, as they sound like the kind of ILs who will push and push to have their way.

There are boundaries that need to be set before the baby is born. If you don't set them now, things will be even harder later. My MIL is diabetic and does not take care of herself. As a result, she can't feel her feet and often falls down. I told her before our first was born that she would not be allowed to babysit our child alone until she starts taking care of herself and can prove to me that she can safely care for a child. She never went to the doctor and still can't feel her feet. Guess what - he's 2 years old and she has never been allowed to babysit alone. She brings it up every couple of months, though. I have to say no every time and every time I do, I have to hear that I'm "keeping her from being a real grandmother." But to keep your kids safe, you draw lines. You choose the hill you are willing to die on. And you stick to your guns. Because you're responsible for keeping that baby/child alive and healthy. And because you love him/her more than your own life.

Stay strong. This is a fight worth losing a relationship with your ILs over. You are not in the wrong - they are. Keep telling yourself that.

riansmommie · October 2014

Just kidding wrong post... Oops

Disneygeek77 · October 2014

I think there might be two totesmcgotes/ totesmcgoats.

RicKeyBaby · October 2014

Same ship, different sailor. My husband's grandfather became a chain smoker after his grandmother passed away 2 years ago. I feel bad because we live 2 minutes from him and don't visit because he's constantly smoking... and usually if we do stop by we're outside in the yard where there's plenty of fresh air way from the fumes.I dont wanna be around it as a pregnant woman...let alone bring a newborn around, which is a shame because she will be his first great grandkid. I guess, my solution is to not go into the house and to stay away from the direction ofthe fumes while chatting it up outside. Youhave a new family now....time for new christmas traditions....perhaps its time for you and your siblings/husbands siblings to host christmas. Air purifier and a designated smoking spot for the grandpa!

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