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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
rcole8
member
Day three... (disclaimer: other children mentioned)
rcole8
member
Hello,
I lost my baby at 9 weeks, this happened three days ago while walking into work (which happens to be a hospital). Ive been trying to sort through my emotions over the past few days and I am failing... miserably. I started to google "how to cope after a miscarriage" and it led me here. I am hoping that sharing my experience with you ladies will help. It may get lengthy... sorry, but I feel like I need to get it all out.
I began spotting the morning of my first appointment at 8 weeks. The Dr said i was measuring 7 weeks 1 day. She also told me there was a "spot" on the ultrasound and it could be a bleed or it could just be part of the placenta. I had a feeling she added the second part only to keep me from panicking. I was fairly sure she knew the path ahead of me ... my husband held onto the possibility, so I tried not to tell him my thoughts. So I left with a warning to call if the spotting worsened and a rescan two weeks.
Well the spotting increased and I called my Dr who advised me to go to the ER or wait and see them in the AM. I waited because it wasnt exactly heavy. I called out of work for the night, I am an RN and my work tends to be strenuous. The next day I called to see the Dr and they pretty much blew me off because their schedule was too busy. They said go to work but avoid heavy lifting, come back in two days for my previously scheduled appointment.
I made it a few feet into the building when I began heavily bleeding. Thank God i work in the same hospital as my best friend and she helped me hold it together until I could let my floor know I wouldn't be staying. At that point I lost it. I walked down to the ER, called my husband, and waited. Thankfully I had a friend working in the ER that night who helped speed up the process so I could get out of the waiting room. My husband was able to make it to the ER before I went back.
I think at this point I had lost all hope. I knew what was coming. The ultrasound tech arrived, awkwardly tried to make jokes to lighten the mood. Word to the wise, let it be quiet and awkward. The jokes made this experience so much worse. He began the scan and his first question was, "Did you actually get to see a fetus...get pictures?" Well if your trying to ask if Im sure I was pregnant the answer is yes. I am a female and I am used to bleeding on a monthly schedule so I dont just run to the ER because Im bleeding. Also, I despise the word fetus. I understand its a medical term but I dont care, it should be wiped from the dictionary. Anyways, it didnt take long to understand that there was no baby to be seen. The tech tried to find me pads to clean up with, "you know like you use for a dog". Yep... he said that. If I wasnt in such shock over this whole situation I think some physical injury may have come to this man.
A few hours and two pelvic exams later it was done. The sweet PA was very concerned about my blood loss but I was ready to go. I had sobbed in the little room only separated from the hall by slidding glass door and a curtain. I was beyond ready to leave.
So here I am now. Partially furious over the lack of concern my Dr showed, furious over the rude comments the tech made, furious that it all had to happen in the ER versus at home, but mostly just devastated. We weren't expecting this pregnancy but it didnt take long to become completely attached to the little angel.
I keep telling my family that we are doing "okay" or "fine" but the truth is I dont even know how im doing. I really cant find the words for it. I had already begun online shopping so i still see the advertisements generated from my google search history. Im not sure what to do with my spare time now that im not picking out tandem strollers (we have a 7month old) and cribs.
In all our excitment we told our older son about the pregnancy as soon as we knew. It was silly but the thought of a miscarriage really hadnt crossed my mind. So I had been dreading the moment we had to tell him we lost him/her. We were going to wait till the weekend but he brought the baby up at dinner last night. All I could do was hide my face and silently cry as my husband let him know. He told him the baby wasnt strong enough so God took him to be an angel in heaven. He was disapointed but he took it well. Iam so grateful he wasnt more upset. I wouldnt be able to handle that.
A close friend of mine had a miscariage two years ago while we were working together. I had made plans to see her tomorrow. I initially was going to cancel due to my emotional state but my husband is encouraging me to go. And he is probably right. I hope chatting with her and crying with her will help. At least she knows how I feel. She knows there isnt much that can be said.
I think I will just have to go on and try my best to be positive for the sake of my boys and keep that up untill I actually start feeling better. At the moment I just feel a void. As if i actually have a gaping hole inside of me. I feel guilty because I have so much to be greatful for. And i am extremely grateful for the family I have. I just feel as though this will forever be on my mind and at any time I may burst out in tears.
Does it ever get better?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Day three... (disclaimer: other children mentioned)
I am so sorry for your loss. My first mc was 8 years ago and second mc started a few weeks ago. it does get better, but I don't think it ever goes away. It comes and goes in waves as reminders trigger the memory.
There is no right way to cope with this. I am glad you found this board. Grieve for your baby (not fetus, I agree!) however you choose and need to.
Me: 31 DH: 36
Dated Since ‘02, Married in ‘06
BFP#1 05/16/06, EDD01/16/07, MC 06/12/06 at 8 weeks
BFP #2 08/14/14, EDD 04/22/15, MC 09/17/14 at 9 weeks
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