Doubting myself; need some hugs, reassurance, a slap in the face?

LunaBug924 · October 2014

Sorry this got long. Kudos to those who read the whole thing. I put a TL:DR version at the end...

I have always wanted to be a mom. It took us a long time and a lot of heartache to become parents to DD, and I love her all the more for it and am so thankful that she is here. I've always had this glamorized vision of what motherhood would be like; that I would have this special power to calm and soothe her in a way that no one else can. I feel like I see it with other people all the time: baby cries, someone hands her to mommy, and within seconds all is right with the world. I don't seem to have this relationship with DD, and it's starting to wear on me and make me doubt myself as a mom.

Aside from when she is nursing, DD hates to lay in my arms. She doesn't like to cuddle or sleep on anyone, so it's not just me, but this is one example of that special "mommy power" that I wish I had. It makes me so sad that when she's tired she'd rather cry herself to sleep in her crib or swing than in my arms. Even if I try to hold her, she just cries harder and longer. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

On top of that, lately I just feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or what she wants. She's not content with any of her activities for more than 2-3 minutes anymore. She wants to be held all the time, but only a certain way, either on the hip or facing out, and you have to keep moving. No sitting down! And definitely no carrier, because that's cheating! She's usually fine in the car or stroller, but we can't just be out of the house all the time. And again, she does this for everyone else too. The difference is that DH, MIL, or my mom can/will just walk around holding her the way she wants the whole time they are with her because it's only in short spurts and it's all they have to do. When I'm home alone with her all day, sometimes for 24+ hours straight, I just don't have that ability. I do my best, but sometimes I have to put her down and let her fuss/cry so that I can take care of myself, our dogs, and try to keep up with laundry, etc.

I realize this is probably normal, aka the plight of the SAHM. I just feel like she cries more with me than with anyone else because I can't just hold her all day. I always thought it would be the opposite. And I feel like because of this, she doesn't find me comforting, which is why she cries so much. Like it's a vicious cycle. Even though I'm nursing, she takes a bottle just fine. So I feel like there's nothing special that I have to offer her that someone else can't give her. And as her mom, it's heartbreaking to feel this way.

I'm making it sound like all she does is nurse and cry. She really is a good baby, and we have a pretty good routine. I just get frustrated sometimes because despite doing the same things, in the same order, at around the same time for months now, she screams and cries as though I'm not meeting her needs. For example, bedtime has always been bath, pjs, a little bit of play or reading a book, into the sleep sack, bottle, bed. But EVERY night as I'm getting her into the sleep sack, even though she KNOWS the bottle is coming next, she cries. Iv'e tried adjusting the routine to skip playtime after the bath and go right into the sleep sack, and she still cries. And if I ditch the sleep sack, she doesn't sleep. Again, this is just one example.

So help me out fellow moms! What am I doing wrong? Does anyone else feel like this? Will it get better? I'll take whatever you got!

TL:DR: I feel like DD cries with me more than anyone else because I can't hold her the way she wants all day long. She doesn't like to snuggle or be rocked, ever. It's making me feel like she doesn't find me comforting and that despite being her mother, there's nothing special that I can do for her that others can't. I want to be the center of her universe, and have magic "mommy powers", but I don't and it's breaking my heart and making me question myself as a mother. I feel frustrated and heartbroken that I can't keep her happy and comfort her all day long. Help!

tbiscuit18 · October 2014

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but you are doing nothing wrong. Please stop beating yourself up! Every baby is so different and while we're carrying them inside it's easy to have this vision of what motherhood is "supposed" to be. We see it in magazines, movies, on the internet...but the reality is that our baby is going to do whatever s/he wants and we have to adjust our lives to them.

Like you, we had a lot of heartbreak to get DS and at the beginning I was so frustrated because I had finally gotten the 1 thing I had fought so hard for, but yet I had no idea what to do. I felt like everything I did was wrong. I was blessed with a snuggler, but sometimes he does not want to be held, and if he doesn't want to lay in my arms and he cries when I try to hold him, it's his way of saying he wants his personal space and needs that alone time. I like to think he's expressing his need for independence.

Bottom line, you are a good mother and you are doing everything you need to be doing. Stop being so hard on yourself and breathe. It might not be now, but there will come a day when she will want to snuggle with you all the time and it will make up for all the times you wished for it when she was a baby. ((HUGS))

fairytalewed · October 2014

I am so sorry you feel this way, I don't have any advice, but I can relate with you. I hope things get better and you are doing an amazing job!

QOTR · October 2014

Oh sweet mama, I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I have to get some sleep so I'll write more tomorrow but for tonight I'm sending hugs.

Nikkipal82 · October 2014

I'm sorry things are rough. I have been sad lately bc DD would rather be on her playmat most of the time than in my arms-- she is trying so hard to crawl and be mobile, so it's like I'm holding her back when I try to snuggle (unless she's tired). Rest assured that no one knows your baby as well as you do, especially since you spend so much time together. It may not seem like you have any special mommy powers now, but soon separation anxiety will begin to develop and that's when it becomes really evident how important you really are to LO. Andplusalso, there's nothing like mom when they're hurt or sick. Staying at home can be so hard and isolating sometimes, I'm really sorry things have been frustrating lately. You're a great mom, give yourself a break.

kendy20 · October 2014

I'm sorry your going through this, I used to feel like a bad mom because there were times where anything I would do could not soothe dd. It's hard and emotionally draining but your doing an amazing job! No one can be there for our babies like mommies can. Even if we don't feel that way at times. They will ways need mommy. But big hugs and I hope you feel better!

Junebug060609 · October 2014

Those moms that you think have a magical power to soothe... they have had moments feeling exactly as you describe. The fact that you know what her preferences are, that right there tells me you're a good mom.

Hugs.

apinkpelican · October 2014

::SLAP:: just in case the hugs aren't working! I'm sure you are an amazing Momma. I work but also dreamed about being a SAHM... Until maternity leave. That shit is hard! I'm sure you are going through a phase which as PP said will soon end and separation anxiety will set in.
(((Hugs too))) I'm sorry I slapped you in the face

I hope you feel better soon

lrmrtn · October 2014

Hugs!!! I think we've all had those moments when we feel like we're doing everything wrong but you sound like an awesome mom. DS isn't much of a snuggler. He tolerates it for a couple of minutes or if we're moving around. I used to be jealous of the moms who could calm their babies just by holding them because this would rarely soothe DS but now I'm grateful because I can put DS down to get stuff done and he's perfectly happy in his bouncy chair or swing.

deanna1313 · October 2014

I'm so sorry. Being a Mommy is tough and I knew it would be hard, but it's hard in different ways than I expected, I guess.
My LO lights up when my husband comes home from work. I live it and it's so sweet, but he never lights up for me. I've only left him once so that could be why, but I think he's bored of me.
I also have Postpartum depression (doing a lot better) so that adds a lot to the regular Mom stress. I've learned a lot in my support group about how women don't ever talk about the bad parts of being a Mom. It always looks like rainbows and sunshine and that it's the best time of your life. It's not always true and it's HARD!!!!!

Hang in there! I'm a FTM, but have cared for many children over the years and I have always thought kids become easier and more content the older they get. Crawling will help, also. Then we'll be chasing them!

QOTR · October 2014

Again, I'm sorry you're feeling sad.    I'm not sure if it starts this early, but I know with older kids, they can be more difficult around their moms because they are so confident in their mom's love they know that they can have their meltdowns if needed.   Moms are their safe place.

You say you feel like you aren't comforting to her, but there is no way to know the flip-side, right?   Since you're with her so much, you don't know how unsettled she would be if you weren't there. I'm sure you provide her more comfort than you realize.   You are her home base!

My LO also is not overly cuddly. I posted about it in the sleep thread so you'll see others that responded with the same issue.    Maybe they'll grow out of it and become more cuddly, or maybe this means that they are going to be independent kiddos and we'll all have an easier transition to pre-K one of these days. But it doesn't mean that they don't love us.

And one last thought about the fussing.   My husband helped me remember that to babies, if something happens that they don't like, it really is like the worst thing that has ever happened to them in their whole life. Because 1) their life has been short and 2) who knows how much they remember?    So when my LO goes crazy about something, I try to remember that and it actually makes me smile a little bit.

I hope you feel better soon. And like PP said, our little ones will be crawling soon and I bet that will improve on her desire to be held & walked a certain way so much.

bridetobe9132013 · October 2014

So sorry you are feeling this way! I often feel this way too. In the beginning, I always felt like an awful mom, especially when I couldnt breastfeed her. She constantly cried and I felt like nothing I did helped her. I also felt like a bad mom when mil got her to calm down when I couldn't. We still have days like that where she fusses/cries all day and I spend my day trying to figure out what she needs. Its very frustrating and upsetting but I telk myself "there is no baby that is happy 24/7." I cant expect DD to always be happy. Also, if I need to throw a load of laundry in or make me some food, I put on a baby show on netflix... usually "wild animal baby explorers" and that usually keeps her entertained for a few minutes. I know its hard but im happy to hear that im not the only one feeling this way

we should do a weekly "struggles with baby" or something similar post. Just to vent about a hard time we had with lo that week.

dp1320 · October 2014

Hugs mama. I don't have a "cuddler" and I wish I did. You're not doing anything wrong - and the fact that you put so much thought and concern into this makes you a wonderful mom. Keep your head up and rememeber "this too shall pass."

spacepotatoes · October 2014

You're not doing anything wrong! We've gone through these phases too. It's hard but she knows you're her mama and that you love her.

bridetobe9132013 · October 2014

@Chevygrrl91‌ DD does this to DH sometimes. He looked at her the other day and she started crying. I tell him not to feel bad because its normal.

ns1 · October 2014

Hugs and what everyone else said. It's so hard at this age because they can't show you or even know how much they need you and appreciate you (not that toddlers show much appreciation
..but they do hug!). But even if it doesn't seem like it...you mean the world to your LO. I think this age is especially rough because they want to move and go and explore but they can't quite do it all yet. But, to be worried about this you must be a good mom! Now get yourself some chocolate!

FlemDance · October 2014

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Like PPs have said, the fact that you care so much about this just proves that you are a wonderful mother who really cares about their child. Huge hugs!

Esbi25 · October 2014

I agree with what others have said! I'm sure you are doing a great job because you are trying your best and sometimes that is all we can do! The only "magical mommy power" I feel I have is nursing, but there are times when he is not hungry and trying to nurse him just makes him more mad and at those times, I've got nothing.

Just know that babies cry, it's just what they do. I feel deeply affected by listening to my baby cry, especially at times like in the car when I can't help him, but I try to remember that it is their way to communicate so you can't avoid it. And sometimes there are things, like teething, that we sadly can't solve for them.

And don't worry, you will soon see that you do have that baby calming power you dream of. It may not be there yet because LO is young, but it will come. Then you will be wishing for a time when someone else could help you solve some of LO's problems and it didn't always have to be mommy! Just remember that babies grow SO fast and just when you start to think "man, I've got this kid figured out, I really know what I am doing," they will throw you a curve ball and make you change your strategy. But, these first months/years truly do fly by and before you know it, you will have a tantrum-throwing toddler on your hands who defies all logic!

mymommyplace · October 2014

It's ok mama! Like others have said every baby is different - I don't have much advice however I know that we all go through some form of "rejection" by our LOs. My DS will cry so hard sometimes that no amount of soothing from me will make it better - when I give him to the hubs in a second he's calm. I learned that it's not so much me but sometimes they want those big strong arms that unfortunately we don't have to comfort them. I had to learn not to take offense - I feel like there's only so much mommy time they want before they're like I need someone else to play with for a bit - kind of like a change of scenery. You're definitely not doing anything wrong - maybe changing the routine every now and then might help. One day it'll all change and you won't be able to get them off lol! Keep your chin up - your super powers are just on standby:)

yvanehtnioj · October 2014

Hugs for you. No matter your baby's preferences (which can evolve), you are still mama and the center of her universe.

bumpuser10194737 · October 2014

I am so sorry you are feeling this way! You are doing a GREAT job as a mommy, so please don't worry about that.

One thing I have learned after three babies now is that they all have different personalities/temperaments. My oldest was a lot like your baby sounds. He had to be carried around by DH and I and sometimes that was the only thing that would calm him. He didn't want to be rocked, he hated the swing, didn't care to be worn, etc. Sometimes we had to just let him cry a bit. To this day (he is four) he is still not a cuddler. My second IS a cuddle and really needs that to feel secure. He likes to be held by anyone. My May baby is the only one who really wants just Mommy sometimes out of the three.

thefussybunch · October 2014

Please don't be so hard in yourself. I think we all feel this way at moments. My DD sounds a lot like yours and it can be exhausting. I find taking a break helps tremendously. Can anyone watch LO while you have some you time? For me, feeling refreshed helps a ton.

delatl · October 2014

Hugs!! Mine has never been a cuddler either and that has really made me sad. But you clearly adore her and know her so well. Hang in there. These are still early days and they can be so long. I also struggled to have my DD and nothing gets me going like those nights when she's inconsolable and I can't quiet her and I wind up thinking about how different it is from how I thought it would be. She will outgrow some of the hard stuff and she loves you! My DH and I tell each other that even though it's harder now to have such an independent LO, how great that she's got a strong personality.

momthatlifts · October 2014

Ok, you are not alone. *hugs*. I'm not going to slap you. I'm a SAHM and I definitely say that I feel like she does nothing but cry. But that's because you are home 24/7 to experience every form of fussing and crying that she has. She's bored with her toys because she is growing. I can no longer put dd under her gym. She wants nothing to do with it she will sit in her little chair but gets bored if she can't reach for toys and just eventually is done. She is also only ever really satisfied in her swing. She does not like to be cradled anymore. She will fall asleep on my chest if she is already drowsy or when I dream feed her so she's is basically already asleep. I try to cuddle in my bed with her and she just wiggles away. There have been PLENTY of times where I thought I made her cry and even holding her wouldn't stop her. You have to remember that she is growing. Her brain is constantly on the move to learn the next thing. Babies need Constant change because they are growing by the minute. Never doubt yourself. You just can't keep up! You will always be the one she feels safest with. When she gets a boo boo she's going to run to you. When she is sick she is going to want you there to make her feel better. Babies are unpredictable and it's nothing personal

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Doubting myself; need some hugs, reassurance, a slap in the face?

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