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I need advice…..

chelseymatchelseymat member
in Stay at Home Moms
I'm having trouble with DS2 and his relationship with my mom. I guess I should say the trouble is with my mom…DS2 Is a much more stubborn and temperamental child than my other two. DS1 is the most passive, quiet, compliant kid every and DD is still a baby so she can't really talk back or do anything to "bad" and even if she did she is a baby so it can be excused away. When my mom is around DS2 and he is acting like a normal 3 year old (telling her no when she asks him to eat more hot dog at costco, crying because he doesn't want to ride in the cart, getting upset when he can't do things he wants to do, stuff like that) my mom gets super annoyed. She makes comments like "oh great he's crying again my ears are bleeding" or she challenges in some other way. This only makes the situation 100 times worse because then he gets more upset. I've tried talking to her. She gets better for a couple weeks and then starts in again. She is treating him like the classic middle child. The other two kids can do no wrong in her eyes and he is always wrong. I feel like I'm always defending him. She has taken DS1 alone and she has taken DD alone but she has never once even asked to spend time with DS2. She tries really hard to be a good grandma but she is really sucking when it comes to DS2 a lot of the time. When do I pull the plug and stop being around her so often? How many chances would you give your mom? My grandparents played favorites with me and my cousins and I remember being really hurt by it….I don't want that to happen to DS2. Sorry I'm rambling…...
Gabriel 11/04/09 Vincent 9/17/11 Grace 8/02/13
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Re: I need advice…..

  • jag101jag101 member
    Oh wow, that is a tough one. I'm sorry your going through this. How often do you see your mom? Have you been brutally honest with her? How does she respond? I totally get where you want to do whatever it takes to protect your child, however, are you really to the point that you can cut her out? I say that because I do not have a relationship with my mom and it really hurts. Is there ways that you can set up the visits so that they are a success, like shorter visits, activities that your son really enjoys, avoiding disruption in nap times?

    Good luck! 
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  • chelseymatchelseymat member

    jag101 said:
    Oh wow, that is a tough one. I'm sorry your going through this. How often do you see your mom? Have you been brutally honest with her? How does she respond? I totally get where you want to do whatever it takes to protect your child, however, are you really to the point that you can cut her out? I say that because I do not have a relationship with my mom and it really hurts. Is there ways that you can set up the visits so that they are a success, like shorter visits, activities that your son really enjoys, avoiding disruption in nap times?

    Good luck! 
    I've tried to explain it to her but she is super easily offended so I guess I might need to try being brutally honest. I wasn't going to cut her out of our lives completely but we see her 2 to 3 times a week so maybe thats just too much for her? Its so complicated because my mom and my brother don't speak to each other and I think DS2 reminds her of my brother.
    Gabriel 11/04/09 Vincent 9/17/11 Grace 8/02/13
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  • chelseymatchelseymat member
    The funny part is, he's actually worse when she is around. Like he feeds off her energy or something.
    Gabriel 11/04/09 Vincent 9/17/11 Grace 8/02/13
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  • chelseymatchelseymat member
    CurlingRocks said:
    chelseymat said:
    The funny part is, he's actually worse when she is around. Like he feeds off her energy or something.
    I wonder if he's just living up to her expectations.
    Maybe. Its so sad. Her family treated her terribly. You would think she would know better. Obviously not.
    Gabriel 11/04/09 Vincent 9/17/11 Grace 8/02/13
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  • GuennieGuennie member
    People who were treated poorly as kids quite often end up doing the same to others, it's a cycle. The words coming out of her mouth are probably not her own and she may not even be fully aware of what she's saying or how it sounds to someone else. In a difficult situation she is simply repeating what she knows, it is an automatic response. I would sit down with your mom and have a really genuine heart to heart. No confrontation or pointing fingers, that will simply make her defensive. Gently voice your concerns about how your son is going to feel and ask for her help in guiding him. Pour your heart out and let her see how much you care about this and how much you want them to have a good relationship. Simply the way you approach this might make all the difference in the world and she may be more receptive if she doesn't feel like you are just criticizing her. Think about it, your son doesn't respond well to criticism, neither will she. I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
    Me:41, DH:41 Positive for MTHFR mutations- one copy C677T, one copy A1298C. One daughter born on Thanksgiving in 2013. Six losses.
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  • littlemermaidlittlemermaid member
    I would just limit how many times a week you are spending with her,  2-3 times/week is a lot.  Also stop going on outings with her.  Just invite her to your home for a couple hours maybe once a week or once every other week,  to spend time with the kids.  That way your son can be in his own environment and he can go off and play with his toys.   You can't expect your mother to change, she is who she is. 
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