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Question about birthmom contact

white318white318 member
in Adoption

We brought home our second adoption miracle in May, and things have been going really well.  Our birthmom wanted a very open adoption with visits on a semi-regular basis and texts/emails/phone calls regularly.  I have been texting her every few days with pictures (at least weekly) and for over 2 weeks have had no response.  I want to give her space, and for things to be on her terms...but I know she had trust issues and I want to be sure she is getting my texts.  I also mentioned a June visit (about a month after the first visit) and she answered my text but did not address the visit.  Should I just leave it be?   I don't want her to feel pressured, but since she made it so clear she has never been able to trust anyone before I want to be sure I am following through the way I said I would.

We love the concept of a very open adoption, and think it is healthy for our baby girl... but also realize it is on her terms.  So please help...

TIA !!

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Re: Question about birthmom contact

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    Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    I would leave it be. I know it's hard, but she may be dealing with a million different things that could lead to her not texting back right now: she could be grieving, she could have had a change in her life (new job, loss of job, new relationships), she could just be busy. I would continue to text her pictures or messages, but let her respond to you in her own time.

    We have a semi-open adoption with DD's birthmom and we sometimes go several weeks without hearing from her. Then just as I start to worry about her, she responds and all is well again.

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    maryoosamaryoosa member
    I'd leave it. When we have long silence from texting sometimes I shoot off an email that says "hey, I'm sure you're busy just want you to know we're thinking about you. We're gonna keep sending pictures via text as long as that's ok, get in touch when you want to get together! "
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    CarolinaGirl2014CarolinaGirl2014 member
    First off, I just want to say thank you as a birth mom. It's refreshing to hear how much you care about your daughter's birthmom. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I know that open adoption is best for my daughter but I still get very self conscious that her parents feel like it's a major burden and that I'm a huge nuisance. I feel like their updates and visits with me are a "favor" and massive sacrifice, which can be very wearing. Sometimes I try to back off because of this- because I only want to be a positive influence to the whole family. If she has trust issues, she may be feeling this. Also, there are days when I'm feeling great and not thinking about the painful stuff too deeply and all of a sudden a text throws me off and brings on a new wave of pain. I'm not saying that texting is a bad thing because other days it absolutely makes my day. She's going to go through ups and downs, and when she has downs, it may just hurt too much to respond. Sometimes I don't know what to say. 

    I agree with PP that an email is appropriate. I think it would be nice to let her know that you're thinking about her. Let her know that if she needs some space or if she'd rather get the updates via email so she can look at them in her own time you can switch to that for however long she'd like (I was afraid to ask for this because I felt they'd never come or that I'd forever block myself from the openness I dreamed of having via text and talk). Let her know that you'd love a visit whenever she's up to it, but once again space is absolutely OK, too. I constantly wonder if they regret choosing such an open adoption and if they resent the contact they have to have with me by agreement. I think after the email, keep sending updates as agreed upon unless she says otherwise. Good luck!
    Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

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    ashamoleyashamoley member
    As a BM I have done the same thing. Sometimes it's hard to respond and give emotionally when we feel we don't have much else to give. That being when I went through the same thing with my daughters mom, after me ignoring her for several weeks she sent me a sweet text telling me that she loved me and hoped everything was doing well. She said that she understood that contact san sometimes be too painful and that she was taking to it that I needed some space, but that she would be there when I was ready again. Your BM might not be wanting a visit when you suggested, but after requesting an open adoptin she may feel guilty fortell you no. I know this was several montha ago, but hopefully this helps for future situations!
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