Adoption
Emotionally Drained
We had our first outing with birth mom and baby today. I was definitely not prepared emotionally nor mentally for that! We have a good relationship so I guess I thought this meeting would go like others before the baby came. Maybe it's just me being selfish, but here are a few issues...input please!
She was mommy and he was birth given name all day today. At home I'm mommy and he's the name we have given him. I know he's a baby and doesn't understand but how long will this go on?
I have spent the last 2 weeks nurturing him, I was not even able to hold him today, finally after he had cried for 15 minutes straight she let me take him, at which time he stopped instantly, but then she wanted him back. I was not happy!
He likes being fed a certain way, and I had to watch her do it all the wrong way. Seems silly, maybe, but he's had some gas issues and I'm trying to eliminate them.
I had to drive 1 1/2 hours by myself to see her, at which time she instantly jumped in the backseat to be with him. That's normally my place. And then the drive home, he was back there by himself just crying away, all I wanted was to be home where I could hold him!
She wants to have an outing every 3 weeks, I don't think I can handle it to be honest!
She was mommy and he was birth given name all day today. At home I'm mommy and he's the name we have given him. I know he's a baby and doesn't understand but how long will this go on?
I have spent the last 2 weeks nurturing him, I was not even able to hold him today, finally after he had cried for 15 minutes straight she let me take him, at which time he stopped instantly, but then she wanted him back. I was not happy!
He likes being fed a certain way, and I had to watch her do it all the wrong way. Seems silly, maybe, but he's had some gas issues and I'm trying to eliminate them.
I had to drive 1 1/2 hours by myself to see her, at which time she instantly jumped in the backseat to be with him. That's normally my place. And then the drive home, he was back there by himself just crying away, all I wanted was to be home where I could hold him!
She wants to have an outing every 3 weeks, I don't think I can handle it to be honest!
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Re: Emotionally Drained
Started TTC January 2007 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs
2012 - Adopted Child #1
2014- Adopted Child #2
2015 - Fostering Child #3
Check out my infertility turned adoption blog: Discovering Joy In The Storm
I'd let the holding and feeding him "wrong" slide, I equate that with letting a spouse figure out things their way. You can always gently say, "We tried doing it like X and it worked out pretty well."
If you're going to do trips like that each time, maybe find somewhere on the way home to stop and snuggle him for a while. A park where you can wear him, or something along those lines.
I know it's hard but remember she's grieving, and the relationships your son has with both of you will be beneficial in the long run
I think the naming stuff is hard--- you might, maybe in a few weeks before the next visit try to have a conversation about names--- maybe say---you know- the baby will eventually call me "Mommy" what do you think you'd like to be called? And in terms of the kids name- depending on if you are finalized or not- gently remind her that it's important for children to here their own name consistently.
I think @Dr.Loretta's idea is great- find some place and time to reconnect with him after the visit. Also, I think visits get easier when babies start making demands--- when they are infants and so portable time can be kind of amorphous. Especially because all they do is eat and sleep and while that's lovely, it's hard to be insistent about starting/ending visits. Once we had a "schedule" I was much more comfortable saying "so, here is when he naps, here is when he's up, here is when he eats and here is when we start bedtime" and I'd emphasize that I'd want to be with his birth family when he was awake so they could make the most of the visit. And that also gave us some beginning/ending boundaries. Now that my kid is walking, we can have visits outside or at restaurants etc and it's a lot of fun.
We have a really open adoption and we're really committed to making the openess work. So is our son's birth parent. And I think while watching the grief of the birth family is hard it really will make you stronger and make your relationship stronger. And it's really important for the relationship to work so that your son feels it as he gets older. It will get easier- We celebrate our boy's first birthday last month and all of his immediate birth family was there- and even though we saw his birth parent a couple of weeks ago, we took him for his first hair cut today and they were able to come meet us for it. It was tender and sweet. Hang in there. Reach out to friends who have adopted with openess, reach out to support groups. It's hard- but it's all still relatively uncharted and every situation is different.
I may take your advice on the locket idea, her birthday is at the end of this month and we do have a meeting scheduled so I'll give it to her then.
As far as meeting halfway, it's not an option. She has zero transportation and very short on funds. Because of this I feel as if we will always be the ones going out of our way, and I'm okay with that, she just has to realize that it isn't always that easy traveling with a baby. My agency did mention bringing her to our house, I have a concern that once she knows where we live, if she could find a ride, she would just show up out of the blue. Should I be concerned?
Another problem I'm having is them sharing all of the pics I send on their Facebook pages and their friends even posts pics of him on their pages. I know social media is out of control and this irritates me to no end! Any thoughts? I feel as if his life will never have any privacy, and not that I don't share him but should this be a boundary?
I think this would have been easier had these things been discussed beforehand!
I have established a great relationship with BM, and I think we are just learning some things as we go. I know things will get easier and I look forward to it and what the future holds for all of us!
I know it's really tough at this point. Let me know if you have any questions. I hope I don't offend, I just want to be very blunt and honest.