What did you do with the remains?

nycitygirl1 · September 2014

I just had my first miscarriage last week and am feeling really horrible. It happened very quickly. On Wednesday I was in for a routine 12 wk ultrasound and they couldn't find the heartbeat. My OB scheduled a D&C for the next day (dilation Thursday, curettage Friday). I was in shock, extremely upset and just saddened over the whole thing.

Unfortunately, I never once thought about the baby's remains--maybe because it was so early on in the pregnancy (still in first trimester). I am starting to feel really guilty that we didn't ask for the remains. I guess I didn't think that was really an option and had never heard of anyone else miscarrying and doing anything with them. I had the procedure done in an OB's office and it was never offered. She sent the tissue out for testing as I've also been through IF treatment.

Did you girls bury or cremate the remains? Or did you end up in a similar position? I'm not highly religious but I am starting to feel really badly about this and need to know I'm not the only person that didn't think to do this. The whole thing feels weird to me as it's not like it was a stillborn baby (which obviously people would bury) and some kind of a moral gray area.

meredithcarole · September 2014

My D&C was at 10 weeks, but the fetus was only 7 (mmc). I was given the option, but burying remains on your own is illegal in most municipalities and I didn't feel a service was warranted (not that we haven't mourned the loss for the last 7 months, but there wasn't much sense in added expense). I did want closure, however, so I took one of our pregnancy announcements (we had planned to tell our parents the following week) and we wrote a note to the baby saying how much we would miss him/her. We put it in a little box and attached seven balloons. We then went to a remote lake and let it go. We watched the wind carry it away. Perhaps you could do something like that for yourself to honor the loss and symbolically say goodbye.

katie0919 · September 2014

I passed the sac/embryo naturally just last night and I am sending mine off to the RE for testing. I think it's natural to feel a bit of guilt, but try not to beat yourself up over this. The testing will be for good cause and will hopefully give you the closure that you need.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

joolaya · September 2014

Our baby was 17 weeks old. The hospital gave us the option of having them bury him in their area for other Angel Babies or taking care of the arrangements ourselves. We opted for the hospital to handle since we were in a fog at the time. The hospital has a garden for the babies that have passed and we plan on visiting from time to time to remember our son.

alexkylee · September 2014

I don't deal with grief well. I was supposed to be 10w3d, but I had the tech turn off the monitor and didn't ask what I was measuring (I already knew I was miscarrying). I was totally taken off-guard when they asked me about remains. DH and I made a spur of the moment decision and said "We don't want them, we want the hospital to take care of everything." For us, we wanted the whole situation behind us so we could start to move on. We don't regret our decision, but it's not right for everyone. I feel guilty that I sound so callous, but I think it helped me cope and I haven't cried since I left the hospital.

ctk181 · September 2014

I also was taken by surprise when the hospital asked what we wanted done with the remains after my D&C. (I was 11wks but baby only measured 8wks). Like @joolaya‌ the hospital offered the option of burying the remains in a special garden with other Angel Babies at no cost to us, so we went with that. I feel okay about that decision.

FigureSkater8 · September 2014

I just had a D&C Monday and my husband and I were also torn over the weekend about the idea of "remains." But we didn't ultimately do anything or ask for them because we really weren't sure what do if we had them. We didn't feel like a funeral was appropriate for us at this time. We are having the tissue tested.

I'm a Christian and I felt at peace knowing that God took the baby's soul/spirit to heaven at 8 weeks when it passed. Some day that baby will have a new body and this one was only temporary... I believe we will meet him/her again one day and we are focused on that.

We've talked about what to do to remember/commemorate the baby. One thing we're thinking about is sponsoring a child through Compassion International (which is a world relief agency that has child sponsorships). You can pick a child by birth date even, and we considered maybe picking a child with a birthday that was our due date, or some other meaningful detail. It's still early and we haven't fully decided.

But please don't beat yourself up about the remains- you have just gone through a terrible crisis and had to make decisions no one should make. Your baby is at peace now and you should do what brings you peace too.

KristinNP · September 2014

For this D&C I will be sending the baby away for testing to see if it was a chromosomal problem. With my first D&C I was told they didn't do testing until after 3 miscarriages so they asked me after the surgery what I wanted done with the remains. They gave me the option of having a service we would take care of ourselves, having them (twins) buried with the other Angel Babies at the cemetery, or just having them disposed of. To be honest prior to being asked that question it had not even crossed my mind, I was too caught up with everything else. In the end we had them buried with the other Angel Babies but with this pregnancy we will have the testing done as this is number 4. Very sorry for your loss.

JennJenn2014 · October 2014

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost one of my twins at 13 weeks and the other at 16. I delivered them both at 16 weeks so I had some time to look into my options. We decided to have our daughters cremated. I am glad we did it, but signing the papers and picking up the remains was really hard for us. They put the ashes in little containers and we keep them in a beautiful cross box along with our ultrasound pics and some of the baby stuff we saved. Please don't be too hard on yourself. It is so difficult to make decisions after a traumatic event and I am sure you did what you thought was best at that time. That is all you can do. There are many other ways to honor your baby. I love the compassion child idea! We made donations to March of Dimes to honor our girls. I also got a beautiful heart necklace with two December birthstones in it. Every time I wear it, I feel closer to my girls. I hope that you find something that brings you comfort at this time. ~Hugs~

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