What to do...

msunshine123 · September 2014

My husband's sister is due in October. It is her first child. It's bittersweet because she had always mentioned NOT wanting children...but then she got pregnant. I imagine she will love her child once they arrive, but it hurts so much given I lost my very much wanted and loved son. My husband asked me about us going to the hospital to see the baby when it arrives. I just don't think I can do that right now. I don't really want to go see the baby anytime soon. What would you do?

forevermyfenix · October 2014

I personally would have an incredibly hard time going. I'd feel awkward and emotional and I wouldn't want the new mom to feel like she has to placate my emotionality. Then I'd feel guilty about taking away that mother's "moment of fame" because they had to talk me down from the cliff so to speak. I've heard some people think it would help them to see new life, but for me, I think I'd be too emotional to benefit.

Overall though, I think it really depends on where you are in your grief journey Explain to your husband if you are/aren't ready for it and let that be the case.

lexusolsen · October 2014

I think you have to prepare your husband and the rest of your family for the very real possibility that you won't be there.

Littleowl913 · October 2014

My loss is very recent so the thought of seeing newborns makes me lose it (I could not stop sobbing while I was watching the Today Show and Savannah Guthrie made a surprise visit with her new baby). One of my best friend's due date is 2 weeks after mine and I can barely get myself to talk to her, let alone think about meeting her baby. Hopefully by the time she's due, I'll be on a better place. If not, I hope she understands. That's all I can hope and pray for.

OSUWifey09 · October 2014

***SIGGY/babies mentioned***

You need to do what's best for you - and if that means not going to the hospital, that's perfectly OK. My best friend had her first four months after Devon was born sleeping, and even though I am her son's godmother, I didn't see him for months. I couldn't handle it, and she understood.

I hope you do not feel the pressure to be there, and that you can talk to your H and let him know how you feel about this. If you are OK with it, then awesome - but if not, that's fine, too. I would hope he and his family would understand if you decide not to go right away.

Mel&John2013 · October 2014

lexusolsen said:
I think you have to prepare your husband and the rest of your family for the very real possibility that you won't be there.

I agree. Your family loves you and will understand. There is no reason to "suck it up" and force yourself to do something you're not ready to do.

dadalou · October 2014

I would not go to the hospital unless you know that you will be ok in the situation. Don't try and force yourself to do something that you aren't ready for.

My sister and two other friends had babies about 6 months after we lost Nathaniel. I'm glad that my sister lives far away and that I have only seen her new baby on Facebook. I don't think I would have been able to handle being with her in the hospital.

The babies are now about 2 months old and I am just starting to be ok being around the one that I see at church for a few minutes at a time. I know I can not hold him. Right now I am ok if someone else does close to me though.

AshersMom11 · October 2014

I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you. My sister in law gave birth about 3 months after our loss. I did not go to the hospital. I just knew it would be too hard for me at the time. My husband did go and was very supportive of me staying home. I think everyone understood and no one made me feel bad for not being there.

This past weekend my sister and law and mother in law came to visit and I met the baby for the first time. She is a little over 2 months old now. I actually held up pretty well and it was much more comfortable being introduced to my niece on my own terms and in my own time. I was able to step away and go to my room for a few minutes when I started feeling the tears come.

ikrystal · October 2014

lexusolsen said:

I think you have to prepare your husband and the rest of your family for the very real possibility that you won't be there.

**Ticker warning**

I am going though a similar situation - SIL due this month with her first baby. Be kind to yourself. I think your family will understand. If they don't , well.... it doesn't matter. You do what is best for YOU.

msunshine123 · October 2014

Thank you ladies so much for your support and advice. I agree I will have to prepare my husband and family that I probably won't be there - just thinking about it gets me crying. I also don't want to take away from what should be a special and wonderful day for my sister in law and her child. I also really appreciate all the tips about possibly planning on meeting her child a few months after, when I feel ready and maybe even like @AshersMom11 suggested in my own space so that if I need to step away for a minute to collect myself I can. Thank you all so much!

lexusolsen · October 2014

Just so you know, my support group leaders who lost their son 11 years ago tomorrow still struggle with this. They have had subsequent children and managed. However, someone in their family had a baby in the last few months and she was in the NICU, just like their oldest was when he died. The woman was able to do it (it was her niece) but her husband couldn't go in. He said it just brought it all back. I think this is something that will always be hard for us, at least it will be for me.

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