personal question.

nlscroggins · October 2014

I have a question about your experience with birthmother expenses. This stuff is getting crazy. I understand that keeping her and baby healthy and happy is very important- just not too sure where we should be drawing the line with what's "necessary" and what isn't? For example, our BM doesn't have a job or car, and lives with her mother and mother's boyfriend. Is it really up to us to find housing and provide a car for her? From a legal standpoint, AL says that we are allowed to pay for necessities in regards to the pregnancy. I guess I just don't know where to begin. Is there any advice you guys can give me? Is there anything you would flat out refuse to provide?

I guess I should add that this is a private adoption in AL, matched through a lawyer/facilitator.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

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sgb721 · October 2014

The other thing, wouldn't it be just as important to find additional financial assistance for her so that she can maintain the car/housing after the adoption? I would think the social worker would want to aid her in general life resources.

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2014

My biggest concern would be the ability to maintain these things after placement- it might take a while to recover, find a job, and get paid. Then she'd be worse off. I think the car is above and beyond your responsibility and could give her pressure to place after the baby is born. I do think that if her living situation isn't good with her mom and her boyfriend help getting set up in a safe but affordable place is reasonable. I loved that all our financial agreements were made through the agency, so that's a tough one. I'd defer to the facilitator for advice.

ETA: just wanted to add that she's technically an expectant mom and mom until she signs those papers. Common misnomer

maryoosa · October 2014

You lawyer/facilitator should be handling this.
We had told our agency what we'd be willing to pay in expectant parent expenses. Our state allows housing, medical, transportation, groceries, utilities and maternity clothing.

Because of the way our match panned out- matched through a friend etc- we wound up doubling what we were "willing" to pay- because the expectant parent lived in the same city as us and we knew that the rent etc. was astronomical.
Providing a car seems unreasonable to me- providing a mode of transportation to drs appointments, work, etc does not-
Finding her an apartment and being responsible for first/last/brokers/security seems unreasonable to me, paying for monthly rent, or her monthly contribution to an established household does not.

StacyT1979 · October 2014

We are working with an agency and haven't gotten very far into the process but our coordinator gave an example of paying EM expenses and what they might include. She said it would be ok to pay for car repairs but if an EM asked for PAP to buy her a car that would be a red flag to them. They said that if an EM asks for anything monetarily in the initial consultation they would not work with them, due to being a high risk for fraud/scams (in that EM never intended to place and used "PAP" for their gain). I hope you can get some answers through your facilitator and will be able do what you think is best for your specific situation.

ashamoley · October 2014

I am a birthmother, and I was fortunate enough to have healthcare whe i was going through my adoption ( I was in foster care at the time). I had heard that sometimes through private adoptions there is comensation (which here is WAY illegal). I have also heard that in the cases where BM does not have health insurance the adoptive parents will pay any hospital bills. That being I would have NEVER asked for anything from Brooklyns parents when we were going through the adoption. They took me out to lunch the day before I was induced and Amanda (Brooklyns mom) bought me a pretty heart necklace and gave it to me the say she was born but that was it. I never asked or expected them to do anything exceot raise my girl to be happy and healthy. I think there needs to be lines drawn because if she is asking/demanding like this when she is pregnant where does it stop? I believe I read your post from when you were placed and BM seemed so happy to have picked you, and I know there is a fear that if you don't do what she wants she might change her mind. I know it is probably hard to deviate from the fear of losing something that is so important, but remember she PICKED you (meaning she already loves you two!), and that relationship will be there forever. Best to start off on the right foot!

nlscroggins · October 2014

thank you all for the wonderful responses. and thanks @carolinagirl2014 for the correction- that makes perfect sense! i'm way new to terminology!

the reason i really had questions is because my attorney presented us with a monthly budget for our expectant mom, which was clearly outside our budget. luckily, our precious EM let us know that she didn't need any assistance with housing, since she has a place to stay, but may need help getting a means of transportation. we just don't want to do anything that could be frowned upon, so we will diligently be researching and double checking with the attorney on what is allowable and what isn't. i know it's a rocky kind of road, but we are so willing to help her in any way we can, within reason. thanks again for the insight!

Reiden · October 2014

They should be able to get assistance through the Job & Family services/Medicaid in their state. I'm looking to match my little one with a family though the adoption agency, but all my medical expenses are paid by Medicaid/Caresource. They also offer monetary compensation to the birthmother if she needs it/if she qualifies for it. I would never ask an adoptive family to pay for my housing, my food, or a car. That's just ridiculous...

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2014

No worries! It's a lot to learn. Sorry that the attorney seems to be pushing a larger budget. That's putting both you and EMom in an awkward place. I think it's so sweet that you're wanting to help her out.

@Reiden I totally get where you're coming from. In my case, it came out of necessity. I HATED accepting financial support because it felt like selling my baby. But the stress of my job was causing my blood pressure to skyrocket so I had to quit and be a nanny. I worked as much as my body could possibly stand without hurting baby but ended up needing help with a small portion of my rent and energy bill. I had no where else to go and the stress of finances wasn't good for baby, so I had to set aside my pride for her. A's parents also helped with groceries (their choice) because while I'd rather eat organic, I couldn't afford it and they wanted baby to have healthy, organic foods, too. I didn't travel, eat out, or buy anything that wasn't a necessity. Then when I was no longer pregnant I could go out and get a much better job and stand on my own two feet. Make sense?

ETA: I feel like I need to add that when it was all settled it did not in any way make me feel like selling my baby. That plus counseling added up but it's what it took for me to get A out healthy, and I see it as A's parents working with me as a team to do so.

maryoosa · October 2014

@Reiden

Most adoptive families expect to pay for housing, groceries, utilities, transportation etc. It's what most adoption agencies and laywers tell them they will be responsible for and what the expectant families are legally entitled to.

Our son's mom couldn't work while pregnant- so she had no wages. When she wasn't pregnant and was working she was able to pay for her own needs. I figure paying rent is the least I can do for someone who is making me a parent. That said, I don't feel like I "bought" my child because I helped out with expenses. Adoption is ridiculously expensive- but the great bulk of that money goes to pay for adoption professionals- agencies and their employees etc. Our son's birth mom received less than 18% of the total cost of our adoption. A paltry amount, really.

jenbabe · October 2014

Your situation sounds exactly like ours and we were very uncomfortable with it also. We were paying about $1000 per month for 7 months and it definitely was outside our budget. If she had chosen not to place we would have just been out $7k. We paid for her monthly bus pass rather than buying her a car. Our facilitator did end up getting her an affordable place of her own which we made the deposit and paid for. Prior to that she was living with her mom, sister and 2 daughters and we were paying the rent for all of them, which hardly seems fair or legal from our standpoint. A portion of the rent would have been understandable. We also felt like her mom was taking advantage of the situation and sure enough after she moved out her unexplained expenses went down. Our law firm was very generous with her and gave her prepaid visa cards for her expenses so we really have no idea if our money was used for its intended purposes. We were also paying $100 per week for groceries when she was also getting food stamps. Her expenses for everything was higher than our family of 3. And she would talk about going to movies and out to dinner all the time which really got under my skin because that was something we sacrificed to be able to afford this adoption. We were all for taking care of her but do feel like we got taken advantage of. But don't misunderstand, she has faults but we dearly love our bmom. It was not an ideal situation but it did work out in the end and we got to bring our little guy home. I was pretty nervous for 7 months though!

nlscroggins · October 2014

@jenbabe- we are totally relating to your situation right now!!

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