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How to handle people that RSVP yes and then don't show?

MarialfcMarialfc member
in Baby Showers
So I went to a baby shower last weekend and my friend invited around 40 women. I helped her with some stuff and send out the invitations for her. 35 out of the 40 people RSVP yes which was a good turn out.

The place she was having it was a restaurant so she had to pay per person. Come the day of the shower and 6 people were not shows. She is upset because these are people she cares about and thought cared about her. She is asking me if she should contact them and ask them why they didn't show. I tell her that I don't think she should do that and that if she hasn't heard anything so far (the shower was saturday, today is tuesday) then maybe she needs to leave them be and maybe take a break on their relationship.

My question is, is there any good way to deal with no-shows? I mean, she did pay for their food and the least they could do is apologize.

What do you guys think?
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Re: How to handle people that RSVP yes and then don't show?

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  • MarialfcMarialfc member
    I should have specified this better... she did not throw her own shower but I did help her send out invites and whatnot... no need for name calling. 

    I came her just to make sure I am giving her the correct advise, I have posted in the Bump before, but I am not sure if it's custom to call people "tacky and shallow bitch" when they do something wrong. 

    All I am trying to say is that please be nice... no need for name calling. 
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  • melody921melody921 member
    I'm just not even touching any involvement the MTB had in this shower.

    Aside from that, no, there really is no way to call and ask why someone wasn't there, unless it's someone close to you and you're calling out of concern that something happened to that person -- illness, family tragedy, car accident -- that prevented her from being there.

    To call just to say, "Hey, you didn't show. Why not?" would be impolite.

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  • MarialfcMarialfc member
    melody921 said:
    I'm just not even touching any involvement the MTB had in this shower.

    Aside from that, no, there really is no way to call and ask why someone wasn't there, unless it's someone close to you and you're calling out of concern that something happened to that person -- illness, family tragedy, car accident -- that prevented her from being there.

    To call just to say, "Hey, you didn't show. Why not?" would be impolite.
    That's what I am telling her, and I wanted to make sure it was the correct advise. I think she should just let it go, and let it be over with. It happens to the best of people.


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  • MarialfcMarialfc member
    somerandomchick said:
    While throwing your own shower is tacky, the guests have an obligation to RSVP ACCURATELY in a timely manner. If you can't make it because it shit happens its understandable (though for nearly 20% if the guests I doubt they all had last-minute emergencies...) but you have to at least contact the host and let them know. It's just good manners. Rudeness on your part doesn't excuse my rudeness... If I can't stand the thought of going to your self-hosted shower, it's on me to RSVP no. RSVPing yes and being a no-show with no word is extremely rude. Some people are super flakey. I think its way over the top to say they don't care about your friend and now she knows how they really feel about her. But it just tells her who the flakey friends are. I have friends with whom I consider all my plans tentative because they are flaketastic. But your friend is being waaaay overdramatic.
    I agree... I just wanted to make sure I was giving her the correct advise. 
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  • MarialfcMarialfc member
    DaisyBlinks said:
    is this about a friend or a "friend"?
    No it's really for a friend, I tried googling some type of discussion about this but I wasn't getting anywhere, so I figured I would come here. I just wanted to make sure I was telling her the correct thing. 
    In my opinion she should just let it go... to me it's rude to say yes and then not show up but that's life. 


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  • VORVOR member
    I do agree that if ANYTHING is said, a casual "we missed you at the shower" would be fine. But all in all - she shoulnd't confront them about it. But I will say this- it really sucks that SIX people didn't show AND didn't bother to call/ apologize/ explain. THat's just really poor on their part. Even to flake out, the next day or what have you- they should be calling to explain. If nothing else, I'd be examining why I have so many friends who think acting like this is o.k.
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  • normandyn7normandyn7 member
    I would say yes it is rude to ask why they didn't show up. We had about 6 people no show to our wedding (who RSVPed yes so we paid for them) and it was about $100 a person so we wasted $600 on people who didn't show up. I never asked why. I just never talked to them again and they never talked to me again. So I am assuming there was some underlying issue as to why they didn't show up and didn't feel the need to explain it to me. It pissed me off at first but I got over it. People suck. You move on. I just always make sure I RSVP on time and if for some reason I can't make it I would let the host know why.
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  • normandyn7normandyn7 member
    somerandomchick said:
    I would say yes it is rude to ask why they didn't show up. We had about 6 people no show to our wedding (who RSVPed yes so we paid for them) and it was about $100 a person so we wasted $600 on people who didn't show up. I never asked why. I just never talked to them again and they never talked to me again. So I am assuming there was some underlying issue as to why they didn't show up and didn't feel the need to explain it to me. It pissed me off at first but I got over it. People suck. You move on. I just always make sure I RSVP on time and if for some reason I can't make it I would let the host know why.
    You never spoke to them again because they flaked out on your wedding?! If they're people you never spoke to anyways, why'd you invite them at all? Otherwise... That seems like an insane overreaction. There are times when you have a legit excuse but may just be too embarrassed to explain. I have a coworker who keeps having to take days off to drive a few hours and bail their sister out of jail. Really feels embarrassed to explain that and is obv vague about why they're out. Life happens...
    Well one couple was a couple that my husband was friends with before I met him. I never really talked to them before the wedding (my husband wanted to invite them because the guy was supposed to be a groomsman and flaked out on that). The other couple was a girl I went to school with so I still saw her at school but I never really talked to her after we finished school. The other couple basically deleted us off Facebook right before the wedding (after the invites were sent and RSVPed yes) and we never heard from them again. It's not like I stopped talking to them because they flaked out of the wedding. But by them flaking out made me realize that I really had no desire to talk to them again. And they obviously didn't want to talk to us either because they never tried to contact us again.
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  • rachelcalderon525rachelcalderon525 member

    She should definitely ask, especially if these are her friends!!! My husband and I did the same thing to, what we though was, a couple who were good friends who no showed at our wedding. $150/person!!!! She has every right to ask. I would try to make it casual and then her friends can decide if they want to answer or not.

    As for throwing her own baby shower, there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of couples now a days do that. Either because their family doesn't have the $$ to do it or because its what they want to do. Its a celebration of their baby, who cares who throws it!


     

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  • schnitz9schnitz9 member
    It is never OK to call someone and ask why they never showed up to an event. We had someone who didn't show up to our wedding that RSVPed yes. She was bringing a date too!!! I never said anything and she never said anything to this day. I just chose not really to speak with her anymore. We see each other in passing but I don't go out of my way to invite her to things. She should just let it go and if they don't say anything to her then they need to move on...
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  • rachelcalderon525rachelcalderon525 member
    edited October 2014

    Bliss+Berry

    I'm sorry you feel that way. Its the 21st century. Some practices are becoming outdated. Just as some people throw their own weddings, some people throw their own baby showers. Get over it.


     

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  • rachelcalderon525rachelcalderon525 member

    Not everyone asks for gifts at a shower. A lot of couples now a days buy their own things. And if the people you invite to your showers are true friends, they wont care if its you or someone else throwing the shower. They will be there to celebrate the baby, because THAT is what a baby shower is about.

    Again, I'm sorry some of you girls feel that way. It won't sway my opinion. 10 years as a firefighter in the fire service and I have a lot more back bone than that. I hope you dig your heads out of that mid century hole its stuck in.


     

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  • herewegoagain37herewegoagain37 member
    edited October 2014
    While I do think it's rude for some to tell their friends they are to throw them a shower "so not everyone is paying for a ton". Oh we don't want cards, we want books. And planned the entire thing and told us what to do and how AND everyone filled out their own envelopes AND I got a group thank you card that was delivered to someone else........... whew got that out....... up until this "friend" I always thought of showers of a way to celebrate a new life with good friends and family. I would have never thought it was to "supply" your baby with all the necessary items. But more giving cute small gifts and really celebrating together. I think that's how our group of people are (minus the one which has since moved in with the baby daddy). I am appalled that people expect others to do just that. That's not how it works with anyone I know (minus the one. Lol) But I do believe a shower is some thing that should be thrown by friends and because they want to not be use they are told too.

    Eta: I needed to add more tacky :)
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  • jennypolkadotsjennypolkadots member
    There are lots of reasons that people don't show up that does not mean they don't care. I would guess 6 out of 35 people genuinely forgot unless the host sent out a reminder a few days before. Not everyone is good about keeping up with dates and things. Sometimes people get sick, have a bad/busy day, have other life events that take precedence, etc. Or maybe 6 out of 35 people had tact and thought it was stupid to go to a self-thrown gift grab.

    She should absolutely not confront guests who didn't show. I'm guessing a few will contact her in the next few weeks apologizing because they just forgot and feel bad about it. She has nothing she can be mad about or hold it against people.

    The equivalent is not a friend missing a one on one lunch. Imagine your threw a Halloween party and 35 people told you they were coming 4 weeks prior, but you didn't remind them after that. When Halloween comes, 6 people don't make it. Do you call them and ask why?? NO of course not. You enjoy the party and the 29 people who were able to make it. There is an extra layer of tackiness in that it is not just a party, but a gift giving party that you were expecting them to attend. So another reason to not ask. If she didn't throw the shower herself then I would understand texting/emailing and saying "I wish you could have made it, I really want to catch up before the baby gets here and things get crazy!" but since she threw it herself that is really tacky too. 
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