How Do You Balance...

SummerLove21 · September 2014

...house-needs and kid-needs? Since I've taken on more household stuff, I've had less time to devote to DS one-on-one, and he's noticed. He drags all of his toys to where ever I am working in order to get my attention, and if that doesn't work, he attaches himself to my legs and cries. It breaks my heart. I try to make sure I am devoting about half an hour in the morning to play and maybe the same amount of time in the evenings - the rest of the time is taken up by chores, errands, nap (and when I am supposed to be resting - ha), and practice/games every day but Tuesday.

How do you balance all this? Or is it just part of the overarching "mom-guilt?"

draeray · September 2014

I hire a house cleaner once a month to do the heavy cleaning. The rest of the house cleaning is very minimum on my part. I pick up after us, do dishes and laundry and that's about it.

I struggle even with a house cleaner coming in once a month to keep up with everything else. I work full time so I have a hard time doing dinner, clean up, play time, bath time and bed time. I go to bed when the kids do at 8pm because I just can't handle any more in a day.

Weekends, I do shopping and laundry for the following week. We have football practice and games on Saturday and we volunteer at church on Sunday. There just really isn't time for anything else.

I feel ya....

Puck1182 · September 2014

Sometimes I do house stuff while DD is napping or after she goes to bed for the night. A lot of times this includes packing/prepping meals for the next day so I have more time to devote to DD when I get home from work. Other times, DH will hang out with her while I clean, or he'll cook while I spend time with her. And now she's getting to an age where I can have her "help" with stuff like laundry and cooking. It makes the task itself take longer, but she's happy because I'm engaging with her, but I'm still getting stuff done.

Honestly though, to an extent it's at the expense of "me time." I can't relax when my surroundings are beyond a certain threshold of messiness, so I tend to take care of cleaning before I bother to sit down and read or play the piano or whatever.

tamarar5 · September 2014

I don't.

. My house is a disaster 99% of the time.

mishka29 · October 2014

Cleaning lady once a month. It's hard picking up DD after work, then making dinner and having it on the table in 30-40 min.all while being whined at and pushed away from the counter. Meal planning is key. Groceries and laundry on the weekends.

MalRiggs · October 2014

My house is normally is some state between messy and squalor. I would love to hire a cleaning lady. I think that's what I'm asking for Christmas this year. And like everyone else somedays I just don't care

ericalee27 · October 2014

Once DS2 came in the picture, DH and I decided to outsource as much as possible; cleaning lady and lawn service. We both work full time (me, more than full time usually). Even with that, our house is usually still a mess with toys everywhere. One of us will take DS1 to run errands on the weekend while DS2 naps.

SummerLove21 · October 2014

I guess what I am finding difficult is that the increased cleaning is in direct relation to our marriage counseling - DH felt I wasn't doing enough, so the counselor suggested making more of an effort and doing some things at night when DH is home so he can "see" my efforts. Being seven months pregnant, I inquired about "rest" time, and was told to take it during DS' naps so I can save some of the work for the evenings. I would prefer to do it while DS is sleeping and rest at night, but DH's complaint is that he doesn't get to rest when he gets home so why should I. So I end up cleaning while DS is awake and trying to rest when he is asleep, which leaves little time for actual interaction.

I know I shouldn't complain that I don't get enough time with him as a SAHM...that sounds ridiculous. If he wasn't dying for my attention, I probably would be fine with it. But right now I just feel stuck between my H's wants and my DS's needs and I don't know how to balance the two effectively.

It's making me really scared for this second kid to come.

ally2011 · October 2014

I just bought an ebook from Motivated Moms to try and get a rhythm going, check it out. I bought the one that has the whole week on one page.

ericalee27 · October 2014

pinesnow said:

Lady, you should do whatever you need. I want to hug you and bring you a coffee and a pastry. You're caring for your son full time while growing another one inside of you. "Saving" work for the end of the day when you're dead tired just so your H can see what you do? Huh what? The whole "I don't get to rest so why should you" is so far beyond what a marriage should be about. I mean, whoa.

Seriously, this. Hugs @summerlove21

ally2011 · October 2014

Sagen said:

Serial posting! I fold laundry while watching TV during nap. It feels like a complete break while marking something off your to do list. You and your H should chill more together at night! Your H peaks my curiosity. Does he like a crazy clean house? If he comes home and it is clean why would he not assume you are working? Does he find hanging out with the baby to be work? H comes home to a for the most part clean house. He rests on the couch and talks kids, or me while I make dinner. We eat, and I clean up. Most school night I take this or that kid to where ever they need to go and he stays with the others. I come home, put the baby to bed, then he puts the older kids to bed, then we watch TV and talk for the rest of the evening. It is like two hours of just chillin

I am interested in this too. Yes, housework is part of the deal when you SAH, but it is not the only thing you do, and usually the other person has to pick up some of the slack because raising a toddler is a full time job....there is a reason that there are daycare workers and preschool teachers....if it wasn't a full time job, people could just take them to work and have them hang out while they do their job, lol. It's almost as though he seems to think cleaning is your full time job and you just fit in care of your child when you can, which is the opposite of what it should be. Furthermore, you are pregnant so yes, you are going to need more rest than him because you are growing a person.

What is he doing when he comes home that is so draining that he thinks you need to be hard at it until all hours as well?

My personal opinion on this is that you all need to sit down and agree upon some division of labor - whatever that may be for you all. And maybe also discuss what each of you view as reasonable expectations for each task. For example, if his job is vacuuming, he might think that means once a month and you might think it means once a week. Figure out what will work for everyone. Once the tasks are divided, which will probably be more on you since you SAH, and the expectations are laid out, then I think that is the end of it. If you want to do your chores at naptime, do them at naptime. If you want to do them in the evening, do them in the evening. Hell, make a chore chart if you need to so everyone can be on the same page and see when things get checked off each week.

If the tasks are divided out and expectations are agreed upon, then I don't see how he can possibly take issue with when things are getting done. That is up to whoever is responsible for them as to when it works for them to do them. If he still has an issue then, then that's on him and he needs to figure out what is driving him to control things to this level.

And yes, all SAHMs let things slide from time to time when their children are needier, and you can make up the slack when they are less so. I have just discovered play doh and it has been great (obviously keep an eye and reminding that it is not for eating). My dd will sit in her booster seat and play with it for an hour. I also put on a CD of songs she likes and can engage with her still while doing my stuff. I also just go her colored pencils and a coloring pad with pretty big (maybe 11 x 14) pictures to color. I will tear one out and let her color with her new pencils, that is fun because it is new. Another thing that will buy you time is magnets - Melissa and Doug have a set of wooden animal ones that are great, my DD will move them between the dishwasher and fridge and I can ask her what each one is, what it says, whatever. When she gets bored of them, I put them up for a few days and then get them back out, voila, new fun all over again. I will also let her use the ipad some and have educational apps on there - eflash apps has flashcards and there is an Elmo alphabet app that is great. Not saying let her do that all day, but it can be a tool to buy a bit of time when you are desperate and need it. I also don't have an issue with my dd watching something like Sesame Street on TV a bit here and there - again, not as a long term babysitter or regular thing, just when desperate.

Hugs to you, you are doing great. This mom thing is hard and we have to stick together!

Tulips114 · October 2014

When I was SAH I tried to do something everyday, so that housework was over for the day after an hour or 2. Like Monday was grocery shopping, Tuesday was dusting and floors, Wed was an off day or make up day if I needed it, Thursday was bathrooms and Friday was floors again (because I have dogs and need to vacuum twice a week). That way we were able to just enjoy family time on the weekend. I had DD1 "help" me by giving her a task. Like wipe the floor with this towel. When DD2 came she'd just follow us around in the bouncer. I agree that our house was clean but not deep clean all the time. ETA - I also tried to clean as I went as much as possible so the tasks weren't as big each week, and the kitchen gets done pretty much daily after dinner.

Now that I work it gets done on the weekend and not every week. Oh well.

I think it's crazy for you to save something for the evening when your DH can see it. It makes more sense to get it done and relax together in the evenings.

SummerLove21 · October 2014

I'm going to try to answer all questions without making a novel. ;-)

I do my best to clean as I go. I've actually gotten a lot better at it. And DS will often "help" on his own, but it only lasts a few minutes. He's a busy kid.

@Sagen: DH usually gets home around 6:30/7 at night. During that hour-ish, he plays with DS, eats dinner, and gives DS his bath twice a week. Essentially, he is still "working" because he doesn't consider interacting with DS "resting" or "relaxing." Which...okay, I can see. He's also taken over the actual putting DS to bed because my back has gotten really bad, but I still do changing/teeth brushing/nighttime story most nights. From 8-10 he sits on the couch and watches TV, although tonight he went to bed at 8:30.

I usually do fold laundry while TV watching...it is way too boring otherwise. I am trying to hang more with him at night, but it means my cheer stuff that I moved to the evenings had to also be moved back to the day, along with everything else. He has very high standards of what constitutes clean...I am probably doing double of what I would consider "clean" to meet his standard. Which is weird considering he literally grew up in squallor.

@pinesnow: I've somewhat seen a change. The counselor has told him he needs to verbalize his appreciation so I feel it, but that has happened once.

@ally2011: Thanks, I will look that up. Part of the whole situation is me getting everything done during the week so that we have available family time during the weekend. DH claimed that because he had to "pick up my slack" every weekend, we didn't ever get out and do anything. Which...I have a very different opinion about. So the weekend stuff he did maybe twice a month (vaccuming, mopping, deep cleaning showers and toilets, and yardwork maybe once every six weeks) I am now trying to fit into my week so he doesn't feel the need to do it and we can get out and do stuff (except the yardwork...nope). I've yet to see that come to fruition since he's been in Asia since that conversation went down.

He won't do a chore chart. OMG, he would flip. He has issues with people trying to "control" him, and he would definitely see it that way. What he says is, "You should do whatever you want, but if you choose not to do anything, then you can't be mad when I have to spend my time doing it." But his definition of "choosing not to do anything" means I don't wash the dishes daily or something like that. So it's an all or nothing sort of situation, I guess.

I have literally offered DS every option you listed...no dice. Occasionally I can get him hooked on one of his really obnoxious sound toys for a good while...but then I am fighting my desire to pick it up and throw it out the window while I work. LOL.

A big part of the disconnect for me is that I am doing a lot of physical labor on top of planning and prioritizing and engaging DS, whereas he sits in meetings or on computers all day long. Not that it is not stressful or exhausting...I'm sure it is for him and his personality type. But I also feel like my part is stressful and exhausting on physical, mental, and emotional levels. His is mostly mental and somewhat emotional, given his personality. But I guess I am supposed to handle it better?

My big fear is when this baby comes, this is all going to go to hell in a handbasket. I remember thinking that if I got one thing done a day when DS was a newborn/infant, it was a crazy-productive day. I asked DH during that time to please take out the diaper trash once a day and do the dishes every other day - that those two things would help so much. And he was *so pissed* about it.

Gah...maybe I am just hormonal again today. I'm a little frustrated that I did the single-parent thing for two weeks (while sick) and I am still pretty much doing it because he's sick and jet-lagged. Which...shout out to the single moms. You are rockstars in my book. I nearly lost my mind towards the end of week two.

Thank you to everyone, too, for the encouragement and kind words. It means a lot.

Puck1182 · October 2014

DC2London said:
@JRomeH there was an awesome article in Real Simple last month about a couple who hired a professional organizer and what an interesting and powerful journey it was. It was seriously a great read, I had my H read it and then we discussed it bc I am organized by nature, he is....um.....not.

Holy crap, yes. I've learned to accept that our house will never be as tidy as I like it, because DH doesn't even notice when things are messy, even if he's willing to clean and somewhat tidy things up when I ask. But his office is his own space and it. Is. Scary. I keep the door closed at all times and pretend that room doesn't exist. :P

I think this dynamic, combined with the fact that I work outside the home, is why I'm somewhat sympathetic to SummerLove's H, at least in terms of how he FEELS (how he's dealt with that is a whole other story though). But if I, of all people, can learn to compromise on my preferences for neatness, then he can learn to cut his very pregnant wife a little slack.

djm31012 · October 2014

We have a cleaning lady every other week to do the "real" cleaning. That way all thats left for me, is dishes, laundry, wiping down counters and obvously vaccuming when necessary but not daily (sometimes not weekly!) I never let anything interfere with my time with DS. I will do dishes while he eats lunch or something else basic if hes playing quietly, but if he wants my attention , 95% of the time I drop what I am doing and he gets it. He is in bed by 730 so 730-930pm is my time to get things done. I also work all day so we are out of the house all day which I am sure helps.

ETA: I just went back and read all the posts (should have done that first). Few things...1) your H needs a reality check. Why should you have to WAIT to do chores so he can witness it? That is controlling for someone who doesnt like to be controlled. It is totally ridiculous and I think you need a new counselor because that is horrible advice. 2) I will play devils advocate as a full time worker myself, being at work all day is exhausting. And then I come home and take care of DS solo for 1-2 hours as DH misses him probably 3 nights a week. So I can attest to your husband being exhausted at the end of the day and wanting to sit down. I wouldnt say you have it worse off because his exhaustion is mental and yours is physical...thats not really fair. I experience both, and they both suck.

HOWEVER..given that your marriage is on shaky ground right now, I think its more important for you to be sitting and relaxing with him after your LO goes to bed and bonding, than it is to be mopping the floor. Its a shame he doesnt see it that way too. Maybe hiring a cleaning lady or landscaper if you can swing it will be take a lot of the pressure off. And I think doing what you can when you can is whats most important...try to get stuff done, I know I personally dont like to live in filth (mess is different than dirt) but we are only human and can only do so much. Good luck to you, that is a lot to handle right now and you are doing an awesome job..

singingsea · October 2014

Being a working mom I let a lot of the house stuff slide on the weeknights. If I can keep up on the dishes and laundry during the week then I consider that an achievement. I only get three hours an evening with DS before his 8pm bedtime so we spend that time playing, going to the park, making dinner. After he's in bed I do the dishes and run a load of laundry. The weekends is when I do my real cleaning.

singingsea · October 2014

SummerLove21 I think your husband could be more flexible. Maybe lower his standards on what he considers a clean house. Once that baby gets here housework is going to go to hell in a hand basket.

ally2011 · October 2014

Has your husband ever spent an entire day from wake up to bedtime alone with your toddler? If not, that is in order ASAP. I am dead serious.

SummerLove21 · October 2014

Yes. In fact, he has spent four straight days alone with him - twice. He thinks it is super-easy. Gah.

SummerLove21 · October 2014

I've been pondering this all day...I took it a little easier since my efforts have made it hard to even find much to clean at this point. Focused on cleaning out the spare bedroom/soon-to-be DD's room. DS is rarely allowed in that room because it is such a disaster, so he was intrigued by it.

I made sure to have everything I wanted done done so we could hang tonight as soon as DS went to bed...and DH is out cold. Still jet-lagged I am sure. So part of my issue is that this isn't the best time to be trying to work on it, and I'm going to have to be okay with that. I'm encouraged by all of your support and assurances that it is not wrong to want to spend time with DS over cleaning. DH did take him to a church meeting tonight, and I used the time to do the chores that are hard or unpleasant to do with DS around - mainly vaccuming, mopping, and cleaning the two main sliding glass doors in our house. Also things that kind of shout to DH "look at all the cleaning!" So all things that are done for the week. Hopefully that means I can focus on less physically intensive things for the rest of the week. We'll see how counseling goes tomorrow. And I am going to push for a housekeeper probably starting just before I am due. Even if I have to charge it because he won't pay for it (he is weird about paying people to do things for us...wants to do everything himself/ourselves).

@Sagen, I liked that article. But like I said above...DH has done this alone before and he seems to handle it easily. Who knows how true that is, because I'm not here to witness it, but the biggest issue is that he doesn't see what the big deal is when he has to do it himself. Rock and hard place. I saw another one today about how being a SAHM/D is a gift...to your spouse. It was interesting.

ally2011 · October 2014

SummerLove21 said:

Yes. In fact, he has spent four straight days alone with him - twice. He thinks it is super-easy. Gah.

Did he also clean, cook and run errands?

mishka29 · October 2014

Your counselor made a suggestion. You tried it. It didn't work for you and here's why... It doesn't always have to be only to suit him. It's ok if things work well for you too.

mishka29 · October 2014

Also to add, DH and I had these same fights when I was on mat leave for a year. He would get home and want to rest and so would I. My point was, you've worked for 7 or 8 hours today why should I be working for 10 or 11 straight.

And when you have a crappy napper the argument of you get a break when she naps doesn't hold water.

SummerLove21 · October 2014

ally2011 said:

SummerLove21 said:

Yes. In fact, he has spent four straight days alone with him - twice. He thinks it is super-easy. Gah.

Did he also clean, cook and run errands?

He did clean and run errands (albeit his own errands, not household errands). They went out to dinner every night. So...yes and no?

SummerLove21 · October 2014

@mishka29 I think the nap thing is a temporary solution to address the "Hello, I'm pregnant" issue. It's not my favorite, I'll admit. And again...when I have two and they are on different nap schedules, that won't be feasible. So yes, I need to bring these up to the counselor.

I don't think she's a bad counselor, but things tend to go one-sided a lot. Some weeks it's more towards me, some weeks it's more towards him. In the beginning, it was a lot towards him.

@Sagen What is he doing in relation to the cleaning/work? Not a lot at the moment. He did take DS with him last night, and he did take him this morning so I could get a shower in before noon. So I think he is trying in ways that make sense to him. And I do appreciate that he did both of those things. He still is in charge of "yardwork" (we don't really have a yard, just a couple of shrubs), taking DS in the evenings when he is home, and big, once-in-a-while things like changing the bedsheets or steam-cleaning the hardwoods or doing minor house repairs.

He is a good guy - he works hard, he loves us, he tries to to do what he thinks is his best - but yeah, he is immature in some ways and he has unresolved issues up the wazoo. I will go out on a limb and say we are in counseling because of his issues, his inability to address or acknowledge them, and his unwillingness to be flexible. Not that I am perfect, but I seem willing to make more of an effort sometimes. Counseling seems to have exacerbated that, in some part because I don't always push back in our sessions when things seem one-sided. I prefer to bring it home and make sure I am not have an immediate, emotional reaction, which may not be the best thing. And I don't bring up his personal issues - I don't feel like it's my place.

Out of counseling, he is supposed to be engaging with me at least three nights a week (that is happening, although not this week) and gets four days a week to crawl into his little introvert shell and I have to deal with that, he is supposed to be giving more verbal appreciation and acknowleding my efforts (not really happening - I did get a "thank you" when he came home from Asia), and not take everything personally and take that out on me, which he does and *might* be working on - it's hard to tell. So of the three "big" things, he is doing one that I know of. And yes, that needs to be addressed. I am supposed to be keeping up the house more so we have more time as a family on evenings and weekends (which I am not sold on but will accept) as that is how DH receives appreciation for what he does - putting in "equal" effort. And that can be argued a million different ways. And then of course, talking through all of the unresolved emotional crap.

So clearly I need to address my issues of trying to find a balance in counseling. And give myself a break. If I don't get a ton done one day and he complains, maybe I just need to say "I did my best, and you can believe that or not" and let it go.

ally2011 · October 2014

SummerLove21 said:

ally2011 said:

SummerLove21 said:

Yes. In fact, he has spent four straight days alone with him - twice. He thinks it is super-easy. Gah.

Did he also clean, cook and run errands?

He did clean and run errands (albeit his own errands, not household errands). They went out to dinner every night. So...yes and no?

Nope, not same....going out to dinner is definitely cheating

Also, it matters how long ago it was. I find DD 10 times harder now than 4 months ago. She used to play with a bowl and spoon for 30+ minutes, now that would be interesting for 5 hot seconds.

SummerLove21 · October 2014

@Sagen - not offended in the least. No worries. :-) I've had to explain his rather off-putting behavior since we started dating. He's a great guy when you get to know him (yeah, I know how that sounds), but he does a lot of things that turn people off initially. Hell...that turned me off initially.

@ally2011 - He did it when DS was five months and again this past July. So not too far removed from now. But DS also worships him and I wouldn't be surprised if it actually is easier for DH to have him because DS is better behaved when it's the two of them together.

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