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February 2014 Moms
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Dealing with unsolicited advice/criticism from in laws

jpoindahousejpoindahouse member
in February 2014 Moms
I was just starting to make peace with my in laws....However, the level of unsolicited advice/criticism of how I parent LO is starting to drive me insane. As usual, DH thinks I am overreacting. They criticize my decision to hold off giving LO meat, they criticize my decision to possibly go back to work and put LO in daycare, they say that I do not put LO in the appropriate size clothing, etc, etc.. They aren't confrontational or angry, they just make their opinions known and they have an opinion on everything. For instance, FIL will say, "they aren't going to give LO this level of attention in daycare. You might want to think about that before you enroll him in daycare."

How should I respond? I would like to keep the peace, but I am seething over their constant critiques.
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Re: Dealing with unsolicited advice/criticism from in laws

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  • boogerbearoriginalboogerbearoriginal member
    How often do you see them? Because that will change my response.  I can brush off occasional "well-meaning" rude comments but if I'm hearing that nonsense every week I'd speak up.

    You can be firm without being rude. For the daycare example, I'd simply say "We will decide what's best for our child's care." And if he continues to make rude comments I'd flat out ask him "Are you suggesting we are considering putting him someplace where he'd be neglected?  "Do you think we are incapable of thinking through these decisions?"  Because it sounds like ILs don't think you know WTF you're doing and that would piss me off.  I don't need some patronizing bullshit couched as "helpful advice".


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  • Soap1Soap1 member
    armfruit said:
    I'd try to take it all with a grain of salt. I'd even be tempted to say something like, " I'm just trying to do what's best for LO and our family." It would totally make me insane though.
    I agree with this.  Since they aren't being angry or confrontational, it probably isn't worth making a huge deal over.  Only you know your family, but it might make the situation even worse to have a "discussion" about it.  I would just address each comment as they come with something similar to what @armfruit said and try to remember that your ILs just want what's best for your baby and your family too.

    It's a learning curve for them too - figuring out how to be grandparents/ILs!
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  • MissDemeanorMissDemeanor member
    I deal with this issue as well. Although I've noticed something. When my parents say something I just brush it off, ignore them, or tell them too bad, my baby. 

    But when my inlaws say something I find it rude, like they're criticizing my parenting, etc. And get pissed off. When the very same comment from my parents wouldn't bother me.

    Of course this just shows that A) I have a better relationship with my parents and B) I'm used to them annoying me. 

    When they questions something you've already decided to do just say "DH and I have decided that this is best for LO right now". And then complain about them here. But also speak your mind when you feel you need to. I've found my inlaws respect decisions my boyfriend has made much more than ones I do. It's super annoying but oh well. 
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  • sdlaurasdlaura member
    I think you need to have a stock response to all comments like that - 'thanks for your input' or whatever, then 'how was your weekend?' and don't give them any noticeable reaction. If you act like you're annoyed or engage them, they'll just keep doing it. You need to cut off the conversation because you are the parent and you make the decisions for your kid.
    BFP #1 9/2010 (lost our baby at 21 weeks) BFP #2 8/2011 (ectopic pregnancy) BFP #3 10/2011 (chemical pregnancy) BFP #4 12/2011 (Abigail born 8/15/12) BFP #5 5/2013 (Griffin born 1/23/14 with heart defects, now repaired!)

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  • Jrom828Jrom828 member

    Yes, the frequency of how much you have to deal with this does make a difference.  In general, have you talked with your husband about IL boundaries?  About picking your battles?  Also, about how DH can be engaged, instead of you feeling alone in this?  I think you and DH being unified and know when lines are crossed is super helpful.  Then you can decide together what to do about it when it happens.  All the best.

    - Jrom828

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  • MissDemeanorMissDemeanor member
    Jrom828 said:

    Yes, the frequency of how much you have to deal with this does make a difference.  In general, have you talked with your husband about IL boundaries?  About picking your battles?  Also, about how DH can be engaged, instead of you feeling alone in this?  I think you and DH being unified and know when lines are crossed is super helpful.  Then you can decide together what to do about it when it happens.  All the best.

    - Jrom828


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  • jpoindahousejpoindahouse member
    Thanks for the input guys. I'm going to nicely speak up and then change the subject. My in laws have historically had boundary issues and are pretty controlling.  There other DIL (my SIL) is not speaking to them currently as a result of these problems. I am trying to be understanding and compassionate, but I also don't want to be a doormat. It's a really, really hard balance to strike.

     I think they have me pegged as ditzy and disorganized and just unable to adequately care for LO. They have made comments to this effect. I wish that getting DH involved was an option but, sadly, he just brushes it off as me being crazy, etc. Not sure what to do about DH as I have barked up that tree many a time
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  • jpoindahousejpoindahouse member
    As an aside, LO just crawled up to me and licked my laptop. Ahhhh....the joys of parenting.
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  • jpoindahousejpoindahouse member
    boogerbearoriginal said:
    jpoindahouse said:
    Thanks for the input guys. I'm going to nicely speak up and then change the subject. My in laws have historically had boundary issues and are pretty controlling.  There other DIL (my SIL) is not speaking to them currently as a result of these problems. I am trying to be understanding and compassionate, but I also don't want to be a doormat. It's a really, really hard balance to strike.

     I think they have me pegged as ditzy and disorganized and just unable to adequately care for LO. They have made comments to this effect. I wish that getting DH involved was an option but, sadly, he just brushes it off as me being crazy, etc. Not sure what to do about DH as I have barked up that tree many a time
    Ummmm, WTAF to all of that?!

    I don't care if my H thinks I'm being oversensitive or whatever, but he damn well better have my back if someone is making comments that insinuate I'm unable to care for my child.
    Oh I totally agree. It has been the source of many a fight between DH and I. I've just decided that it will have to be me to say something nicely to them. In part, DH is intimidated by them due to years of emotional and verbal abuse so he just doesn't confront them on anything. He actually has PTSD (diagnosed by a therapist) and doesn't remember whole sections of his childhood due to their treatment of him. So he just doesn't really confront them like he should. He is a wonderful husband 98% of the time and a wonderful father to LO, but I wish he would stand up for me more when it comes to his parents. Sometimes he does, but more often than not he just brushes me off as being overly sensitive, crazy, etc.
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  • boogerbearoriginalboogerbearoriginal member
    jpoindahouse

    That sounds terrible. TBH, given all that I'd probably severely limit my interactions with them as a whole.  They don't sound like people I'd want in my, my H's, or my kid's lives.

    I'd also have a hard time being anything beyond civil with my interactions with people who verbally/emotionally abused my husband.  I realize sometimes life makes those choices hard, but it's certainly worth exploring the idea of cutting them out of your life if they are the source of fights between you/H, etc. IME people like that do not change and will continue to abuse/harm people, I sincerely worry they will continue this pattern on your LO.  Sometimes the best option is to remove someone from your life.


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  • jpoindahousejpoindahouse member
    boogerbearoriginal DH very much wants a relationship with them so I follow his lead and go over there. I am not going to leave LO alone with them unattended. They seem to be able to control themselves much better with LO than they did with DH, but there really is no reason to leave LO with him alone. DH swears his mother has improved remarkably since she went on some psychtropic drugs about a decade ago. That said, FIL and MIL just have problems with everybody. FIL is currently not talking to his own elderly mother because of how she allegedly wronged him when he was younger. DH's BIL and SIL have chosen to limit their visits and barely speak to FIL and MIL. Everyone is always fighting---you get the picture. It's exhausting
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