Catholic wedding question...

babyzap20 · September 2014

So SO brought up the fact that he would like to "make it official" before baby gets here. I totally agree.

But this would be my first marriage. SO has been married and had that big wedding in the sky. He is currently working on an annullment. We are both Catholic and I always had dreams of a big Catholic wedding but I feel like now that is just a dream and it has been upsetting me. (Well, everything has been upsetting me but this takes the cake-pun intended)

All of my married friends keep telling me if they could do it over again they would just have a small wedding due to family drama, stress, money, etc...yeah easy for you to say. You had the wedding you wanted. Not trying to have a pity party here, but to me, marriage is for a lifetime. I have been engaged before and broke it off because I knew it wasn't going to work. So I take the topic very seriously.

When we talked about getting married before baby gets here SO said "Don't take this as a proposal." Which made me very happy (I deserve one dammit! haha). He said we could get married and then have a big wedding after baby gets here. Now, I will admit, I am pretty ignorant when it comes to marriage rules in the church but I am not sure we can get married now and then down the road go to the church.

Any advice from people who have either been in my situation or are knowledgable on this subject?

peggels24 · September 2014

I just went to a Catholic wedding where the bride and groom where previously married at city hall and have a baby together.

I think that the Church allows it because they do not view a marriage at city hall as a marriage in the eyes of the Church. Can you check with your local Parish?

id012 · September 2014

My parnets fot married in there friends back yard and then when my mom was pregnant my grandmothers insisted they get married again or have thr marriage blessed in the church.
Its not the same thing but I do think that you could do it.

Whats the rush to get married before the baby gets here. When I was pregnant with DS we werent married (we were tofether for like 7years) and I told DH over and over again I didnt even want him to propose while I was pregnant.
** He proposed right after I had DS.

Anyway my advice would be just wait. Take the time to have the wedding you want.

mowl2014 · September 2014

I've heard of couples doing small ceremonies in Catholic church and then big reception events later on. Do what feels right weddings are fun and personal. Annulment s can take time but very dependent on situation. Any kids involved? Was he previously married in Catholic church? Did he get permission or blessing from church? Etc. Best advice is to meet with church and ask.

Milagros315 · September 2014

I agree with @ladyamanuet‌. Typically the Catholic Church will not allow you to have the full sacramental marriage if you have already been civilly married, however you can do the convalidation ceremony to have the marriage blessed by the Church. In the US, priests have the legally authority to perform both the civil and religious aspect of marriage so there's they don't really approve of separating the two (this is not true in many other countries).

UberBiz · September 2014

What's the rush to "make it official?" FI and I have talked about getting married before the baby comes, but seriously, we already have a kid together, and we live together like we're married. I used to want a big lavish wedding, but honestly, life took over and it's not something that's that important to me anymore.
I don't know anything about the Catholic particulars, though, in regards to anullment/recognition of a new marriage, so can't help you on that one.

jennielynn+ · September 2014

Have you considered 2 ceremonies? I had a Catholic wedding 4 years ago. I am Catholic my husband was not but, I do know all churches will require a bit of premarital counseling. You may want to factor that time in. My mom is involved with Catholic annulments ministry and her and my step father BOTH had to get one before they got married 10 years ago. His went fast. A few weeks. My mother's annulment took months. Another time factor to add in. Also, just for a fun fact, deacons at your parish can perform marriages. I was dead set on an outdoor weeding so, we had a family only Catholic ceremony in the physical church the day before we had a large outdoor wedding. We just had a minister say vows with us at the second wedding. Maybe you guys could try the reverse? Have the big wedding you want now and have the intimate Catholic one once all paper work can be completed. This way you are not stressed with deadlines. Looking back, I got the best of both world's doing two ceremonies! It was amazing!!!

britb618 · September 2014

Here's the thing. You CAN do whatever you want in the BIG lavish wedding sense. You just MAY not be able to do it in the church.

If you get married civilly and the church grants your husband the annulment you CAN have a ceremony in the church where your marriage is blessed. Like others have said you are no longer a Bride, groom etc. However, once you have a baby I feel you MAY think it is pretty foolish to spend all that money on a wedding when you will have a baby to worry about paying for...but maybe you have plenty of money and don't care about that..

I think what all your friends are referring to is that when a wedding is all that matters (pre-kids) its fine and dandy to have the "wedding of your dreams." But once you've had that wedding many people do look back and think, man that was a lot of work, sometimes a lot of family or friend drama and A LOT of money for ONE DAY. My husband and I recognized that a few months into planning our wedding and ended up doing a destination wedding. It still was plenty of drama, cost was not as high but still pricey but then again we and all of our guests also made a vacation out of it so it was fun, and the wedding part was over in just a few hours. We did do the church thing PRIOR to the beach because although our priest did do a ceremony on the beach for us, he needed to marry us in the church for the catholic church to approve of it all.

In the end the church may not marry you for many reasons depending on how strict your parish is, your husband has been married and you are going to have a kid either way before the church ceremony. So you may want to get the big ceremony out of your head now because as other PP's said, life gets in the way and it is just one day and may not be possible. But sure you can have a party to celebrate the wedding if after the baby is born you think that is important. And of course you deserve a proposal so wait until that happens before you worry about all of this other stuff.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear. You certainly can do whatever you want but as with anything people may judge you. My sister in law got married two years ago to my husbands brother in a small civil ceremony and reception. Two years later she is now throwing a huge wedding and spending a ton of money and IMO its ridiculous and most people are rolling their eyes. Yea she didn't get her big day but she did get married and having a party two years later and a full catholic church ceremony looks absurd to most people and a little gift grabby to be honest. But to each their own.

efujan · September 2014

I think the questions regarding the wedding & convalidation have been pretty well covered by others - especially well by ladyamanuet. If your SO is able to get the annulment (hopefully he is), there is no reason you can't have the big Catholic wedding you want. A classmate of mine had a big second wedding in the Church (he had gotten an annulment), no problem.

To your other feelings, though, about being torn between the big wedding you want & the smaller wedding everyone else is telling you to have instead - do what you & your SO want. I'm sure your friends all mean well, but if you've always wanted the big wedding & your SO supports that (or you two find a happy compromise if he wants it toned down a little), do the big wedding when you can. And IMO, I personally think I would feel like quietly getting married now would take away a little from the specialness of the big wedding like you really want.

Andplusalso - don't buy that big wedding = drama & stress correlation. Sure there will be stress, there is no escaping that. It's an important day. We had a bigger wedding (300+ guests) and zero drama, and I've been to small 50-ish person weddings that could have been an episode of Bridezillas. Your ability to maintain perspective & keep calm has more to do with it than the size of the wedding. Good luck!

SheHulk723 · September 2014

I'm not sure about catholic weddings, but I know my religion wouldn't have performed a ceremony while I am pregnant. What we ended up doing was eloping, on a beach, just the two of us. For around $1,000 we got married and had our honeymoon. Sure sometimes I am sad that I didn't get to wear the dress I wanted (especially because I saw on facebook that a friend of a friend wore the EXACT dress I've wanted for years... that bitch lol) or have my family there, or get my coconut cake haha. But it was so stress free and really marriage is just about the two of us, no one else. My family is planning a massive celebration for our one year anniversary anyway, so I'm sure I'll get my cake then hahaha.

AlfiesMOM · September 2014

My best friend was married in the Catholic church and she had previously had a civil ceremony and her two year old son was the ring bearer! I know she said she was lucky because her church was laid back, so I think if you find a church willing to work with you it shouldn't be an issue!

babyzap20 · September 2014

UberBiz said:

What's the rush to "make it official?" FI and I have talked about getting married before the baby comes, but seriously, we already have a kid together, and we live together like we're married. I used to want a big lavish wedding, but honestly, life took over and it's not something that's that important to me anymore.
I don't know anything about the Catholic particulars, though, in regards to anullment/recognition of a new marriage, so can't help you on that one.

We are going to get married regardless but we want it legal before baby gets here for insurance reasons.

Stargirlb · September 2014

If I were you I would plan it for like late summer so your baby will be 7-8 months ish, you've had some time to get "back to normal" physically, comfortable with leaving baby overnight with family for a night or honeymoon even, and plan a nice wedding that YOU want. Doesn't have to be expensive, but do it how you want because you won't get a do-over.

if you get married NOW, the pressure is off for anyone to help you pay for it. Not being married is a good incentive for you parents and his parents to pitch in for your big day. If you get married now, I don't see them caring to do that as much, but that's just what I've seen before. This way you have something to look forward to and take your time planning (Pinterest boards blah blah,) and ultimately I imagine you will be happier doing it that way.

Stargirlb · September 2014

If you weren't sentimental and didn't care at all about ceremony, I would say do it now. But I just know of too many ppl who rushed it and regretted it.

babyzap20 · September 2014

ladyamanuet said:

CrazyMonkeyBear said:

babyzap20 said:

UberBiz said:

What's the rush to "make it official?" FI and I have talked about getting married before the baby comes, but seriously, we already have a kid together, and we live together like we're married. I used to want a big lavish wedding, but honestly, life took over and it's not something that's that important to me anymore.
I don't know anything about the Catholic particulars, though, in regards to anullment/recognition of a new marriage, so can't help you on that one.

We are going to get married regardless but we want it legal before baby gets here for insurance reasons.

Then that is the wedding you have-- one you can afford before the baby gets here. Otherwise, you wait and have the shindig you want.

Exactly this. You are making the decision to get married before the baby comes. Part of that choice is recognizing that you are then sacrificing other things you want. You can always have a big party later to celebrate the fact that you got married - but with no "redoing" the vows, first dance, etc since you are already married (again, see the etiquette forum on The Knot on this)

Whatever you do, DO NOT lie. If you get married, tell people you are married. DO NOT pretend you aren't married so you can have a Pretty Princess Day down the road. People WILL find out and they WILL be upset.

I get it. I was never planning on lying or misleading anyone. All I wanted to make sure was we could get married in the church but being legally married (with a kid) prior. I'm not looking at having a wedding or gathering for family until next year. It sounds like I just need to talk to our priest to see what needs to be done and go over our options.

Stargirlb · September 2014

Totally agree!!!!

Stargirlb · September 2014

I'm not married yet either. If I'm going to get married I would wait until I can do it how I want, properly. Not elope now and eat my cake at a later date... Because that's tacky and nobody will like u. Just do it once and do it properly (how u want it). That will either be now or later, not both.

Stargirlb · September 2014

Also, I don't get how there could be a 'big proposal' coming your way at this point. He did propose something to you, and you have already agreed to marry him. That's done. That's what a proposal is.

sanbry · September 2014

I have no advice that hasn't already been covered by the others, but definitely take the time to make sure you will be ok with whatever you choose. My dh and I got married by a JOP. I often get asked why I didn't have a "real wedding",which I find insulting. I'm happy with how mine went down, I don't have any regrets. But if you think you might want to hold off for what you'd really want, do that!

mmur76 · September 2014

I'm agreeing with pretty much everything everyone else said, but it may be hard to get married in the Catholic Church, even if you really want it for a few reasons:

1) Your SO being granted an annulment- this may or may not come through in the next 3 months. It often takes a while

2) You being pregnant- I'm not sure if there is an official rule on this, but I know my Catholic parish would not allow it

3) The time line of getting married before baby comes (assuming you are due in January, that would be 3-4 months away). My parish requires at least 6 months notice for you to go through Pre-Cana, etc.

Even though I grew up Catholic, we decided not to get married in the church, mainly because of the 6-month notification rule. We planned our wedding in 3 months, and ended up doing it in a local non-denominational church with a small reception at a restaurant afterwards. We had a pretty small wedding (about 50 people). Personally, I did not want to emotional and financial stress of a big wedding. But like I said, that was our choice. I know many people who had huge weddings that took years to plan and wouldn't change any of it!

babyzap20 · September 2014

I never said "big proposal." But just because I am popping out his kid doesn't mean I don't deserve to be proposed to. Having a child should not be an assumption of marriage. THAT has always been my biggest pet peeve and it has led to the demise of my own parent's marriage. SO is the one who brought up that us talking about marriage was not a proposal-he stated how unromantic would that be?

melmarie4 · September 2014

My friend and her bf started TTC in January and ended up getting pregnant in March. Her boyfriend proposed in May(it wasn't because she was having a baby). He did a very romantic proposal around their 5 year anniversary. Now they are planning the wedding of their dreams for next fall. Really the only difference will be that their baby who is due at the end of November will be at their wedding(I'm assuming they'll make her the flower girl). She doesn't have to sacrifice anything because she is having a baby. You shouldn't either. If I were you, I would wait for the big wedding to get officially married. Yes, insurance might be complicated or expensive to figure out, but it would be worth it to wait for your big wedding. I'd I had to work full time instead of being a SAHM or make financial sacrifices to get health insurance on my own instead of getting married I would do it rather than feeling like you're settling for a court house wedding. In my opinion big weddings after being legally married are not as special and kind of a waste of money because you've already been technically married for months or in some cases years already. Better to wait, get your romantic proposal, plan your wedding for the season you've always wanted to, take your time planning and making every detail perfect, then finally get officially married in the church in front of all your family and friends and baby!

Lanatir · September 2014

mmur76 said:

I'm agreeing with pretty much everything everyone else said, but it may be hard to get married in the Catholic Church, even if you really want it for a few reasons:
1) Your SO being granted an annulment- this may or may not come through in the next 3 months. It often takes a while
2) You being pregnant- I'm not sure if there is an official rule on this, but I know my Catholic parish would not allow it
3) The time line of getting married before baby comes (assuming you are due in January, that would be 3-4 months away). My parish requires at least 6 months notice for you to go through Pre-Cana, etc.

Even though I grew up Catholic, we decided not to get married in the church, mainly because of the 6-month notification rule. We planned our wedding in 3 months, and ended up doing it in a local non-denominational church with a small reception at a restaurant afterwards. We had a pretty small wedding (about 50 people). Personally, I did not want to emotional and financial stress of a big wedding. But like I said, that was our choice. I know many people who had huge weddings that took years to plan and wouldn't change any of it!

Seconding this post.

My aunt's now husband's process took closer to 6 months-- it's not a parish thing, there's basically a court process within the diocese that handles annulments, so it takes forever. And the pre-Cana classes are usually required and take 4-6 months, depending on the parish and if you were previously/are currently parishoners (I got away with the easy 4m ordeal lol).

Stargirlb · September 2014

My point is that in him saying "hey should we get married now legally?" And you saying "yes," that is a proposal and acceptance. lol

AggieMom0809 · September 2014

Check with your local church. While at it, I'd ask about baptism too. Some are stricter on the rules than others. All I cared about for our wedding was my dress. Which ended up being a good thing since so many other things went wrong, including someone forgetting the communion. We did the traditional Catholic wedding, but it was both DH's and my first so I don't know what their stance on court marriages is.

schnitz9 · September 2014

lurking from f15

I am jewish and my hubby is catholic. We had a big wedding. Our ceremony was at a chapel in my parents community. We had an officiant lead the ceremony and it was about us and not religion. We actually custom wrote our entire wedding ceremony and I get compliments still to this day it was wonderful. With that said to appease my hubby a few months later we actually had our marriage blesses in the catholic church. Like what PP suggested. It was not your typical long catholic wedding but we did have to re-affirm our vows in front of the priest so it was kinda like another wedding ceremony in some ways. You could always have a small ceremony now and get the marriage blessed later on at a better time and have your reception afterwards. You could still wear a wedding dress and walk down the isle and have a wedding party. Our priest didn't care how we dressed or walked in. The only difference would be the actual ceremony it would not be a wedding ceremony rather more of a blessing....Good Luck!

babyzap20 · September 2014

I love all of the advice/comments/suggestions. This is why I love The Bump-and especially-this group.

JoaPata · September 2014

I am Catholic and my husband is Jewish. My husband and I had to go through a few months of pre-marriage classes. Are you both Catholic and do you want the Sacrament of Marriage? Or is a blessing okay? As others said the annulment will be issue and your priest may not marry you while pregnant. I wanted the Sacrament of Marriage and my husband had to agree and sign a certificate that we would raise our children Catholic. It was a long process prior to being able to have the wedding in the church and obtain the Sacrament. Do you go to church regularly? This also may play a role. It depends on how strict your church or diocese is. For me I want all of my Sacraments (Baptism, First Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage, and Anointing of the Sick or Last Rites). Like PP's have said it is all about what is most important in the long run for you... Sorry that you are going through having to choose :-( Not a easy situation to be in.

rarberry · September 2014

I know several couples who had courthouse marriages and then received the sacrament of matrimony in a traditional wedding/reception later. It is officially called a convalidation b/c the idea is to "firm up" what is already in place. Someone who didn't know you were civilly married would not be able to tell (if you didn't want to) just by being at the ceremony. You'd still be receiving the Sacrament for the first time.

The annulment will have to be granted before your FI can have the Sacrament.

Also, sometimes ppl who have beach weddings or weddings outside the church will choose to receive the Sacrament of Matrimony right before/at their child's baptism.

If your FI gets the annulment you usually have to wait 6 months to conplete the marriage prep before the wedding.

I would encourage you to register at your local parish if you haven't already and start working through this with a pastor. They can help guide you.

Most importantly, please know even if you decide to have a civil marriage ahead of time you can still have the full catholic wedding if you want it (mass and all) as long as there is an annulment granted.

southernyankeegirl · September 2014

I have a bunch of friends who got married legally and then had a religious ceremony and reception (military, it's common). I do judge them a bit because they made a choice to get married sooner for benefits, yet want the big party. The ones I judge a lot less were open with family and friends - this is why we got married legally (likely with immediate family present and a small dinner party after) and we still want to celebrate. The wording in their ceremonies indicated clearly that they were already legally married and this was to bring that marriage into the folds of their faith.

I think if you explain to people that you want to be married legally for health insurance benefits before the baby is born, but that you really are trying to have the Catholic Church convalidate your commitment after a few issues are taken care of (annulment, pre-Cana, etc.), then many people will support you. Some won't, but that's a choice and a risk that you run. But if you lie to people and pretend you aren't married yet, it makes the convalidation and reception look really gift-grabby.

As far as the Catholic Church, you definitely have to talk to your parish. This varies greatly. Some will help you work through obstacles and find loopholes, and more conservative priests might (and have in the past, with people I know) refuse to convalidate your marriage because of living together before marriage (to the church, the legal marriage is nothing so technically you shouldn't live together before the convalidation), premarital sex (same rules), the previous marriage (annulments are sometimes very hard to get). Also, a child born out of wedlock might not be baptized (this one is most commonly overlooked, but isn't always).

All of this will depend on your priest, so that's where you should start. Hopefully he appreciates your commitment to the church and will help you find a way to have your marriage blessed. Be open with your families and see if they'd be more supportive of a reception after the civil ceremony, with a smaller more intimate religious convalidation later, or a smaller civil ceremony with a bigger deal made to celebrate the convalidation.

Oh, and for invites for the convalidation, please please please recognize that it is a convalidation of marriage. Whenever I see wording that seems to say they aren't already married when I know or suspect otherwise, it makes me roll my eyes.

NatureLovers · September 2014

Reading over this makes me realize how practical and yet "tacky" my H and I were. We got married by the JOP at the end of March, to ensure I had health insurance, which is a good thing since we conceived April 11th. Also, there was no formal proposal, we agreed to get married and that was enough for me. However, his parents wanted a bit of a celebration, and since I was pregnant I felt a pang of loss at not having any wedding photos or video to show our kid(s). So we had a wedding "do-over" in June, but only his parents and our dog were in attendance, so 6 people total. We did not ask for gifts. Our ceremony was on a mountain top in Asheville, we did the full dress and tuxedo thing, and then a super fancy dinner. We had a top notch photographer and videographer. It was very lovely and just what we wanted. TBH, unless they were super gift grabby (3 registries) I really wouldn't judge someone for a do-over, especially if it's due to church rules.

britb618 · September 2014

There is absolutely nothing tacky about what you did @naturelovers. I have no problem with people wanting their marriage blessed in the church either. That is a completely fine reason for having a ceremony. My issue with my family situation is strictly with the two year gap, followed by an absolutely huge wedding when you are already married, save the dates, bridal party of 12 people, expecting a bridal shower and bachelorette party all two days after christmas when your first wedding was two days after thanksgiving, about 30 people attended you wore a wedding dress had a photographer and a small reception....when you want a "do over" pretty pretty princess day...thats when I have a problem with it. A celebration of your wedding when you got married by a JOP, there is nothing wrong with that, IMO. As long as you are honest about it. I mean this the couple I am talking about used their wedding picture as a Save the Date....seriously?

LarrysBride0202 · October 2014

As a wedding planner (8 years now) and a practicing Catholic, I can say that you are getting some amazing advice in this thread. It is going to vary from parish to parish, but that annulment is pretty mandatory across the board. Annulments can take time and they can also be expensive. Catholic weddings typically require Pre Cana as well and depending on the parish that can take 3 months to a year. For these reasons, I would not bank on the Catholic wedding prior to the baby. You said you wan to be married for insurance reasons, so go to city hall and get that done. You can always have another ceremony (not in a church) at a later date and make it religious in nature.

babyzap20 · October 2014

@LarrysBride0202 - I agree, the advice in this thread has been very informational. Thank for your input as well. The annullment (from what SO tells me) was started by his ex (She is a Catholic school teacher who was apparently was feeling pressure from the school to get it done) about 6 or 7 months ago. I think it is still pending but I need to talk to him about it in more detail. I'm thinking I should just wait and be patient to not have any regrets. After really thinking about this situation more I think I am just going to wait for SO to propose like he says he will and then decide what to do. The more I think about it, the more I realize that rushing it is probably not the best decision.

So for now (thanks to some great advice) I am going to just sit back, focus on getting the nursery done, and try to enjoy this pregnancy.

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