Putting baby to sleep and dividing responsibility

Pinknights · September 2014

My son just turned 8 months yesterday. He use to sleep in his crib but after a bad sleep regression and two vacations later, he's in our bed. This would be fine except our bed is too small, so hubby sleeps on the a small fold out couch which is uncomfortable.

So we both want him sleeping in his crib. I'm frustrated because we tried controlled crying for a week and he was just in total fear, he was seriously petrified and would cry for over 2 hours each day. My husband once even said ok he's too worked up.

Fast forward to now a few weeks later and hubby gets mad at me saying I'm not moving forward to put him in his crib. I have a hard time with the CIO and I'm not ready to do extinction crying. He says because he works it's not his responsibility. Do you of your husbands help in this department? He seems to "know" what I'm suppose to do and has the stomach for so I don't understand why he just quips why don't I just go back to work. I think this is a shared responsibility.

Sorry for the length. I'm frustrated, want his help because I can't put this baby in his crib. It's awful.

bumpuser8448316 · September 2014

You've got several issues here and I'm not sure where to start. As far as the baby going into his crib, look into the sleep lady shuffle. When DS was having a major sleep issue I resorted to sleep training. Because of DH's schedule he's just not home at night so he took several days off so we could tackle it together. You need to sit down and sort this out because I don't think his comments are about the baby's sleep.

notkateanymore · September 2014

You can put the baby in the crib, you won't. Two different things. Yes, my husband helps with the baby at night. We rotate nights, he puts him to bed and I get up in the AM.

Louie4real · September 2014

Dude, to be honest...I'd be pissed too if I was kicked out of my bed and forced to sleep on an uncomfortable couch. I would probably snap some comments off too, it doesn't excuse it...but I'm not in my best form when I'm sleep deprived.

Maybe you take the couch, let DH get some good comfy sleep for a few nights and then ask for his help.

And sleep training doesn't always mean the cio method. There are lots of books out there, read one.

Pinknights · September 2014

I definitely will put baby in his crib (to the previous poster). I never wanted to co sleep. He was in his crib for 6 months, until that sleep regression. I'm just traumatized from the last time I did the controlled crying. My routine is the following:

In his room:
1. Put on sleepy time llullaby.
2. Turn off lights.
2. Change in to Pjs, diaper change.
3. Read bedtime theme books (2).
4. Feed.

This use to put him to sleep and then the wakings started. Now after all that. I take him to our bed and he puts himself to sleep. But if I put him in the crib full screams. When I tried last time to sit by the crib and soothe and shush, he was shocking himself and he seemed genuinely petrified. Each time I would go into his room to soothe him he would cry and get further worked up, it would not calm him down.

I tired to talk to my husband and he basically said it's of his problem. Just fix it, that he wants his bed back. I understand he's upset with the couch and I've offered the bed, but then he says what about the night wakings. He's the type to give me mom time to do nails, make breakfast and go out of his way for things, but with this idk he's just not supportive about this issue.

dizzycooks · September 2014

I am no help, I am still traumatized from my child's first 7 months of life in which she did not sleep. Only 5 nights now that she's slept well and we just do bath (sometimes), diaper/teeth, books and nurse, then into bed. She doesn't cry anymore, we tried CIO, we tried Ferber, we tried shushing, rocking, and many other things, but nothing worked. Turns out she was probably hungry. She gets a big bowl of whole fat yogurt before bed now mixed with a little fruit and a hefty sprinkle of oatmeal and she sleeps. It's amazing.

Your post makes me want to curl up in the fetal position, I seriously reached a breaking point about 6 weeks ago and DH knew it. I could NOT do nighttime wakings anymore. It was not safe quite honestly for me to spend the night rocking shushing and holding our screaming child. DH took over and he did not complain. Our agreement was that he would take anything before midnight. At least then I was able to get 4 hours of sleep/zero responsibility for the screaming child.

Your husband is tired. You're tired. You need to find a sleep training method that you are comfortable with and do it, your family is struggling. He can most certainly help put the baby to bed in the evening. I do understand not getting up all night with the baby, but he can do part of the night and he could even take a full night here or there if you need a break. Seriously though, try to have a conversation about this when you are most rested because 2am sucks.

Tigger & pooh · September 2014

I am in charge of setting most of the routines in our house. Then I delegate to DH as needed. For example tonight the boys needed to shower so I asked DH to do it. I always nurse Kate to sleep so he never puts her to sleep but if she is being really fussy I will ask him to give me a break and he will try to go comfort her.

meglew · September 2014

I agree with the previous posters that you have 2 issues. 1) getting baby to sleep in his crib and 2) the role expectations in your relationship.

As for the sleep, definitely check out a couple of sleep books. I tried a couple of techniques with DD2 (we didn't have to sleep train DD1) and it was mostly trial and error for us. A little of this and a little of that. Though DD2 was an awful sleeper for the first 15 mos, I do think some of it had to do with teething.

As for your DH's attitude that since he works it is not his problem is complete BS. While I did take care of both our kids at night a majority of the time, a lot of that had to do with the fact I was nursing. He still helped with diaper changes or if I asked him to. Now, I know that sleep deprivation can make people lash out and say things they might not otherwise. Perhaps that is what is going on with him. However, I think that sitting down, developing a plan together on how to tackle your DS's sleep issues and being on the same page is crucial. When tough situations occur, it is always better to feel like a team and that your spouse is backing you up. If he disagrees and still feels this is your "job", that is a bigger problem.

Spin313 · September 2014

I never co-slept, but is it possible to transfer your DS to his crib after he falls asleep in your bed...?

A lot of grouchy comments are said in frustration when one is sleep deprived. My DH was always very helpful with bedtime/night wakings, but he was not happy with me for not committing to CIO. We did a lot of rocking and soothing...it wasn't perfect, but my kids did not respond well to CIO (they just became hysterical and couldn't calm down).

spring_time · September 2014

A couple of ideas:

1. Have you tried giving a bath just before bed. It is calming for some babies. I think there are even some safe baby washes with a lavender scent which is soothing.

2. Try a few different methods of sleep training. Ferber and gradual extinction work great for some kids, others get even more worked up when the parent keeps returning. Sometimes it takes a combination of methods. There are tons of books and websites devoted to sleep training. If whatever you are doing is not working, then try something else.

3. Change up your routine. I used to rock DS to sleep. To this day, he still likes someone near him as he falls asleep. DD does not tolerate being held for more than 2 minutes at bedtime. It took a long time for me to figure out that the routine that worked so well with DS, and was the general prescribed routine, did not work at all for her. Many times, she does not even want a book, so we do our reading during the rest of the day.

4. Have you tried a cosleeper, or a pack n play next to your bed? You could work on moving it farther and farther away.

5. I know your DH has had it with bedtime, however it might help if he does bedtime for a few days. My kids behave differently for me than they do for DH. Plus, if your LO can feel your stress and anxiety, it isn't going to help anyone go to sleep.

ETA: When we did sleep training, we alternated soothing DS. Unfortunately, sleep training is one of those "all hands on deck" times in parenting. It is hard! Hopefully you can get your DH to back you up rather than just hand over responsibility.

vlagrl29 · September 2014

DD woke up 4 times a night just to eat until she was about 6 months. We were both exhausted until we figured out a method that worked for us. He took the first 2 feedings and I took the 2nd 2 feedings and we both got the rest we needed. I understand not wanting to CIO. I couldn't let DD CIO for more than 30 minutes, luckily that's all she ever cried for.

Sounds like you have to have a serious discussion with your DH on expectations. I would probably try having the baby sleep in the pack and play in your bedroom and eventually get him back up into his crib. GL

dizzycooks · September 2014

I shouldn't have commented on this thread. DD2 was up all night last night with a cough and whining. Then she wanted to play and pinch me. Then she bit my nipple and I put her back in bed. Dang sleepless night.

I hope you had a conversation and found some sort of agreement!

MesmrEwe · September 2014

1) Use what works. What about putting LO in the PnP next to your bed so YH can have his spot back. I swear it's like territory wars and your LO is overstepping it. I agree with the PP - sleep deprivation is not serving anyone well here.

2) Switch your crib sheets to fleece ones - they're super snuggly and warm from the start when they're laid down on them. This was the ONLY way we could get DS to sleep in his crib, and even at that, we've got to move him from our bed.

3) rock to sleep in the chair, then put down drowsy or asleep. Rub their back until they fall asleep... Let them fall asleep in your bed first then move them to the crib. Use a snuggle blankie (fleecy soft - proper sized that they can "escape") for both so it doesn't "feel" like a switch of location...

Again - USE WHAT WORKS and stick with it - do not deviate from it whether you're on vacation or at home, if they're sick, stick to it as well. It'll make your life "simpler".

jlpev · September 2014

My h works crazy hours and gets called out at all hours so sleep training was my responsibility. We decided that from the get go unless I was sick. Definitely have a talk with him. I also like the idea of you letting him have the bed for a few nights before having the talk.
Sounds like you are going to have major separation anxiety for the both of you & baby.
Does your baby nap in his bed? If not maybe start there. Good luck!!

caybeh · September 2014

Ditto do what works for your child with sleep training. I had to do extinction CIO with DS as going back in made him more upset. The first time, he cried 45 min. Then it was only 10-20 min after that.

Yes, DH helps with bedtime and if I need him during a the MOTN.

dizzycooks · September 2014

CurlingRocks said:

@Dizzycooks, I want to PPH your first response. But I'm sorry last night was so rough! DD is getting a cold and hasn't slept well the last 3 nights. DS now has it, and I can feel it coming on. DD keeps everyone up when she's sick or teething, so we're all tired and grumpy in the Rocks household today.

OP, around 6 months was the time I started putting a heating pad in DD's crib to warm it up before laying her down, which helped a bit for a while. Eventually, it lost it's magic, and we had to change, but it might be worth a shot for you.

@curlingrocks PPH?

Pinknights · September 2014

Thanks ladies for your responses. He apologized to me today. Which made me feel bad because he's obviously sleep deprived and hasn't slept in a good bed for a month and half now. He came up with the idea to brainstorm with me what to do and not do CIO, because how the baby has responded. He is scared of his room in general.

Thank you for your suggestions, I will definitely try some of these tonight. There is more I could be doing until something works. I just have to try again.

@curling rocks- sorry at the rough night!

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