What do you say? Sunshine baby mentioned

lexusolsen · September 2014

Yesterday dh and I went to a wedding. We left our dd with my parents. It was weird for several reasons 1) we haven't been regularly attending church since we lost Ben 2) the groom and I are old friends but haven't hung out in a long time. We knew many of the people there, but of those we knew we had only seen a small number in the last six months since we lost Ben.

A woman at our table asked us, "how's your little one?". When I told her dd was fine, she asked, "who is the little boy with your mom mass?" I explained that it was my nephew. It was obvious that she doesn't know or forgot that we lost Ben. She also asked how work was at a school I haven't worked at in five years...

I knew she was referring to dd, but it bothered me that I couldn't say, "which one?" I didn't know how to include him without making it very uncomfortable for the rest of the evening. My biggest fear is forgetting him. Do you say something? What do you say?

OSUWifey09 · September 2014

***SIGGY***

I had a similar situation at my high school reunion last weekend. We did a second round of senior superlatives based on our adult lives, and one of them was most kids. I wanted to put down that I have three kids, but I didn't want it to be awkward - so I removed myself from the running, and someone else won. I kept wanting to say, "I have three kids! Just because one isn't living doesn't mean he's not my child still!" But I had already rehashed the situation a dozen times during the weekend, so I just cried in my car afterwards.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I agree with PP that I would talk about him if you want him to be remembered. I still talk about Devon all the time, but I do keep it toned down in certain situations when I just don't feel like talking about it. It's so mentally exhausting to be a loss mom, and there are times when I don't want to talk about it anymore. More times than not, though, I do talk about him as if he's a living part of our family - because, to me, he is. I think you will find a way to talk about him; I know you will never forget him. He'll always be a part of your family.

lexusolsen · September 2014

So would it be ok for me to say "dd is great. She just turned three. Ds would be six months?"

stefuge · September 2014

This is tough. And for me, it has changed as time passes. At first, I would just talk about DS1, because it was easier and people wouldn't be embarrassed about asking. Now, a year since we lost Colton, my response is usually "DS1 is 4 and DS2 would be 13 months." For me, I honestly feel like I have to talk about him, include him, tell the world about him. And if they are uncomfortable, too bad for them. And I say that, but there are still times though when it's kind of vague. Just yesterday, we were having a yard sale, and a random stranger noticed all the baby stuff in our garage, because we have kept everything from DS1 and DS2 and I can't bear to part with any of it, and she asked how old our baby was and I told her he was 4. Which is true, but not the whole truth, and I honestly felt guilty the rest of the day for not mentioning Colton. I wanted to say he's 13 months, and that her asking was in response to him there with us, playing, rather than all the unused baby gear. And I hate that. And I know there is no reason to unload all of that on this random stranger, and I don't want her pity, which I would be sure to get, and seem to be asking for, by bringing him up like that, instead of the truth which is that I just need to acknowledge him. ((Hugs)). It's hard. I think you have to do what you feel comfortable with, and if that is mentioning and including Ben than you need to do it. Come up with a response that is simple and easy and have it ready and realize people will be uncomfortable and awkward and that's just how it is. Someone on here said once that if our acknowledging our babies makes a stranger uncomfortable for a few moments that's nothing compared to the pain we feel every day. They can deal with it.

lexusolsen · September 2014

@stefuge‌ - I think I said that! It is easier for me to tell strangers. This acquaintance situation was weird. I guess I haven't had to tell someone that kind of knows us that we lost him. My boss told my colleagues, I made an announcement on fb. I only had to say those dreaded words a few times- to tell my best friends and to tell my department chair.

stefuge · September 2014

@lexusolsen‌ - I agree that sometimes strangers are easier to tell. There have been a few situations where I knew it would come up (at the dentist or my hair stylist) and I just tried to prepare myself and get through it. The whole thing has really given me some social anxiety, and I will often find myself canceling or avoiding parties or large group gatherings where I don't know who will be there, simply because I can't handle telling people, or seeing other families, babies, pregnancies, etc.

msunshine123 · September 2014

For me if people ask if I have children I tell them I have one son who passed away. That way I acknowledge him always. If I have any other children in the future I will still count him as my first child - I will say I have one in heaven and x with me here on earth. It might be different for me because he is my first and only child - just do whatever is best for you.

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