OT wedding opinions!

JMCruz87 · September 2014

ok so this might sound stupid but..

DH isn't really my DH.. at least not yet, because we're only engaged but we've been together for a long time and just this past Mother's Day, he proposed.

we've bought our wedding bands and I have a dress that still hasn't been fitted. I bought it 8 sizes bigger for my boobage and other alterations.

I know he wants to get it over with, not only for financial and tax purposes but we already have a dd, and are expecting #2. We would've liked to have gotten married before dd but life happens. He wants to get married privately, ASAP and he doesn't understand why a courthouse just won't do for me. I don't mind waiting, ideally I want to walk down the aisle I've dreamt about not just a court hallway. Not that there's anything wrong with that but Ive been waiting for this moment and I feel like it's being taken away... Besides, when I picked out my dress I didn't imagine being pregnant in it. For this to work I'd have to find a seamstress that could add some stretchy fabric to the torso area so that my bump could shine through. I just feel like it'd be less of a headache to just wait but somehow I feel like I'm being selfish?!

A few people have told me (including our parents) to just get married/elope now for financial/tax purposes and then after the baby to actually have our marriage ceremony. Does anyone else think that's a bit much?! Or am I really just being stubborn and selfish by wanting to wait and have everything go the way I want it to?

JMCruz87 · September 2014

@Joy2611‌ I wouldn't mind a small wedding but neither family would let that happen, with them it's like go big or go home. I've gotten used to that being apart of both families. Our dd's 1st bday had just over 150 guests which were 85% family. Same for my baby shower and all other birthday parties. It's just hard to exclude people because of the close relationships we all have. I wouldn't mind making him happy by eloping but that'll come with a lot of backlash and my own little sadness about what I envisioned my wedding to be like.

I just don't know how to compromise because I'm at a loss for ideas. I came up with the idea to get married on a cruise and whoever wants to go can go. I think that's an ok idea but he thinks it's too over the top, because all he wants is a courthouse wedding with my parents and his mom. I would sacrifice my own feelings about it if he would at least meet me in the middle about it not being in a courthouse.

mandi195 · September 2014

I agree with PP, a "fake" wedding later, after you're already married is really tacky. It would be ok to do a delayed reception, but not a second ceremony. I think you have to really discuss with your fiance. Good luck.

JMCruz87 · September 2014

@trntyrebrth @joy2611 And I absolutely get that, one of my coworkers did that and I thought it was weird that privately they celebrate one date and publicly another. I would rather it just be a one shot thing. But I guess he's rather do it this way for the tax benefit. It's just not what I would want. I feel like a girl should always get what she wants or at least a compromised form of it!

JMCruz87 · September 2014

I feel like I need to drag him and myself to an accountant and just hope he doesn't have a good point as to why we should rush now. I don't think the financial benefit would be as big as dh thinks.

Alygohome · September 2014

I wish I would have saved tons of money and just had a courthouse wedding or got married in vegas. It was a lot of work and money for one day so my opinion may be a little biased. And I agree doing a "fake wedding" is tacky. I don't think you are being selfish, if you want a wedding hold out for one but I do think you and your dh need to compromise and have the wedding you can afford and both can live with.

Cythe · September 2014

What I tell all my brides - it's your wedding. I'm with @joy2611 (this 0‌ won't go away)

Anyway, we got married in 9 days and had 20 people attend. It was beautiful and low key, perfect for us. PPs have given great advice, good luck!

LizzyRB · September 2014

FWIW - When DH and I got married our income tax bill skyrocketed after combining our incomes versus when we were single. This was the first year I had to write a check, and a pretty sizable one, to cover the remaining taxes we owed.

*However, we don't have children yet so that may make things different for you guys.

bobloblaw87 · September 2014

A close friend of my sister's did a Pretty Princess Day and it felt really silly. I actually found out about it at the actual wedding. My dad "officiated" it and made a comment at the reception that he didn't have to sign anything. But for like six months, she carried on as if she was engaged and not married. But it is still a big secret two years later and they celebrate their PPD as their actual anniversary. Like her and his immediate family and mine are the only people that know. It feels unnecessarily dishonest.

I'm guessing the tax stuff would just affect you for one year, so find a compromise but don't rush for something as unromantic as taxes.

JMCruz87 · September 2014

Kimbus22 said:
1. How the hell can a dress that is 8 sizes too big be altered to fit?

2. Taxes are a bad reason to get married.

3. You get to get married once. Either do it at a courthouse or have a big to do. Don't lie to all your friends and loved ones.

Well when the dress was bought I was a size 12 waist with 32KK breasts so I had to get a size 22 dress to fit my breasts and have the waist altered.

About the wedding, I wouldn't have lied about having gone to the courthouse, I just wouldn't prefer to do that. There's nothing magical about a courthouse in my opinion so it just not what I want to do.

virginiaorjohn · September 2014

Getting married doesn't really do anything for your taxes. If your have a DD already then in 2014 one of you would file Head of Household with a standard deduction of $9100 plus dependent deductions, and the other would file Single with a standard deduction of $6200, for a total of $15,300.

If you get married, you only get the standard deduction of $12,400 plus dependents. So really, getting married penalizes you.

BillyHorrible · September 2014

JMCruz87 said:

Well when the dress was bought I was a size 12 waist with 32KK breasts so I had to get a size 22 dress to fit my breasts and have the waist altered. About the wedding, I wouldn't have lied about having gone to the courthouse, I just wouldn't prefer to do that. There's nothing magical about a courthouse in my opinion so it just not what I want to do.

There's nothing "magical" about a wedding either. It's a party for friends and family. Don't get confused, the wedding is just a day. The marriage lasts a lot longer.

suzysurparis · September 2014

I completely disagree with everyone's "no two weddings" advice. I had two weddings and they were both very different and very fun and I'm not the only one in my circle of friends to do it. As a disclaimer, I got married outside of my home country partly to secure my immigration status but it was only two months between engagement (there was no proposal or ring, we went in to talk about my papers at the town hall and the woman there said "well, your only sure thing is to get married and the only day I have that will work is April 14th, so is 2:30pm ok?") and only my dad could make it on such short notice. So we had the legal wedding and we immediately set-up the church wedding six months later so all of my family could come and all of DH's family too. We still only had about 60 people and as both our families are catholic it didn't feel like a fake wedding. The trick is to try to minimize the first (the party was at my in-laws house) and to make the second significant, religious is the clearest way since there is a lot of tradition involved and you do sign a register. It helped that the second wedding date was already set when the first wedding happened so the entire time everyone was saying "see you again in September." And we didn't exchange rings until the church (we did a little bracelet thing). I've got three other close friend couples who did the same thing but they were all in the same circumstance (immigration issues) so it was never considered bad taste and everyone could understand (my mom wasn't at the first wedding, for example).

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

emmyg65 said:
It sounds like you're saying that you're okay with a small wedding (just your parents) as long as it's not at a courthouse. Am I reading that correctly? If so, you can absolutely hire an officiant and have that ceremony wherever you want, like a restaurant or a park.

^^this. You really don't have to have all the kings horses & all the kings men. It's your wedding ceremony & if you'd like it to be intimate then that is your choice. Others can choose to be offended, but they are taking an event & making it about them. It's about what you, the couple, want.

Also, maybe it's just me-- but a wedding is usually more than just to "get it over with" & "for tax purposes". It's supposed to be a meaningful ceremony to join two people. Are you living together? Depending on your state you can declare common law marriage for the tax breaks etc.

That way, your FI/H gets his tax breaks & you aren't shoved into planning a wedding you aren't ready for. Take your time, & do it right IMHO.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

PS-- The US only does one, official ceremony. So courthouse or chapel-- you are supposed to only have one.

If you do one & then put on a show for the second then it feels like lying to your guests. It's different than the European system because there is dishonesty involved.

France (@suzysurparis) & Germany (@nettje) have different views because they have different systems.

wasatchbaby · September 2014

I have several military couple friends who did a courthouse wedding before deployment and a traditional church/reception wedding after. For one of the couples that we are good friends with, close friends and family knew about the courthouse reception, but they didn't openly tell everyone. They "publicly" celebrate their anniversary on the church day, but privately celebrate their "real" anniversary- it's cute actually! Their own little secret and they usually go away for the night or weekend.

suzysurparis · September 2014

@Joy2611‌ I know that US church wedding can be used for the legal wedding but I doubt it's exclusive. For example, couldn't you have a church "blessing" ceremony? I ask because at least for Catholics you have the 7 sacraments which includes marriage but I was under the impression that means traditionally the church marriage ceremony, not just any legally binding marriage? I would think US diocese would have the register as well since my US baptism produced a certificate that my French church wanted. I know other religions have very different practices and I'm hardly an active catholic so I could be wrong. Also, just out of curiosity, do the US marriage forms mention "before God"? Because here in France they take the religious neutrality of the government very seriously and the legal marriage process does not mention God at all and it only happens at the town hall.

suzysurparis · September 2014

Interesting.

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