Who to share the birth experience with?

&thencomesbaby · September 2014

I've always imagined my mom being in the room with me because I've always been very close to her but throughout my pregnancy (this is my first btw) she seems to have found a way to make everything about her and has created a lot of problems for both my Husband and myself and it has escalated to the point where she will no longer host a shower for me and she's said a lot of hurtful things and she still seems to think she is welcome to the birth and idk how to say no especially now that it's only two months away. I'm so tired of this especially that I feel a lot of my pregnancy bliss has been squashed by her.

Anyone else in a somewhat similar dilemma or have any advice?

kaimee27 · September 2014

No experience with this, but next time she brings it up, you could just say "actually mom, DH and I have decided that we would kind of like to have this experience just the two of us", or you could just talk to her about the way you are feeling and why and see if the two of you can work it out. Another option if you have a decent relationship in general is to just let her be there. I don't know what your circumstances are, but if you've already told her that she can be there, rescinding the offer now could just hurt your relationship more. That being said, that doesn't mean you have to put up with hurtful behavior. Next time she says/does something hurtful, let her know how it makes you feel, and that you need the behavior to stop. I hope everything turns out well for you. Also, welcome to the board!

absolutelymaybe · September 2014

Tell her no? It's your birth experience so you get final say.

lauren_m · September 2014

I had just my husband there, and it was a really nice moment for our brand new family to bond and just have that alone time. To each his own though.

lesliegolem · September 2014

Yes in similar situation with my sister. Made the mistake of telling her I wanted her with me during the birth. Of course ever since then we have gotten into some big arguments and she has stressed me out of my mind! I love her but now I'm almost thinking I'd rather be alone then have someone there who may stress me out even more.

What you could do is what I did which is I told her I'm going to have to play things by ear now. I'm planning on laboring a lot at home so if I do that, may not be time for her, anyone else we tell to be there when the baby is delivered. I told her upon further reflection not sure how things will go so not sure what I'm going to want. We are already planning on not telling people when we go, we don't want visitors. My sister and mother were going to be the only exceptions. You have to do what's best for you. This is your birth experience. I made the mistake of worrying about what my husband and families wanted the first time and my first time was very stressful. I'm determined that this time won't be as bad! So I would just tell her no you changed your mind or make an excuse. This day is about you, husband and baby.

AnnieRoo13 · September 2014

Just to play devil's advocate, would you regret it if she wasn't there? This is her grandchild and a new member of her family. I don't know what the situation is or what's happened to cause this rift between you two, but you said you were close and would have wanted her there before this happened, so is it possible this is temporary and you would feel terrible if she didn't get to be there?

Not to change the focus, but my mom passed away and I would give anything for her to meet her grandchild. Consider the impact of your actions before jumping to a decision. At some point you wanted her there and told her she could be.

howin23 · September 2014

I think you should step back and think about the broader, longer term relationship, and then make the decision whether you want her there or not.

If the answer is no, then I think it's perfectly fine to say that you didn't really know what to expect as a FTM, but as the pregnancy has evolved, and when you toured the hospital and learned more about L&D, yadda yadda, your perspective has evolved and you would prefer that it be just you and your husband. Then reiterate how important she is and tell her you can't wait for her to meet the baby, and you want her to be the first one to visit the hospital and the baby.

Edit b/c I messed up you're and your...blame the hormones...

jkrose10 · September 2014

I told everyone that I just wanted it to be DH and I. Every respected our wishes, but I understand if you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. This is where the nurses are awesome. They will tell people no for you.

missnacholover · September 2014

&thencomesbaby said:

I've always imagined my mom being in the room with me because I've always been very close to her but throughout my pregnancy (this is my first btw) she seems to have found a way to make everything about her and has created a lot of problems for both my Husband and myself and it has escalated to the point where she will no longer host a shower for me and she's said a lot of hurtful things and she still seems to think she is welcome to the birth and idk how to say no especially now that it's only two months away. I'm so tired of this especially that I feel a lot of my pregnancy bliss has been squashed by her. Anyone else in a somewhat similar dilemma or have any advice?

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