Where to start now?

august06mom · September 2014

We are the end of our rope with ds1 (8,3rd grade). He just won't do anything the first time anyone asks -- ever. Lots of arguing, whining, ignoring us. Really no different than when he was 4. Our house is nothing but nonstop yelling and stress and I finally told DH that enough was enough and we need to try something else.

We had him evaluated for ADHD when at the end of first grade by a dev pedi, and it came back "borderline." Second grade went wonderfully -- his teacher was pure gold, and she really liked him and there were very few problems. I thought maybe he just had to mature.

This summer was hell and now school going terribly. He's CONSTANTLY goofing off. He complains that we're no fun and he's right at this point. Anytime we give him an inch, he takes a mile.

I'm trying to figure out if I should seek a family therapist or a child psychiatrist for him. I want to lean how to parent him better, but I really do think it's more than that at this point. When he's misbehaving everywhere -- school, bus, home, sports, there's probably something going on, right? It seems like most kids have grown out of this by now, and he hadn't. Honestly, my 3yo ASD son is often easier to manage than him (although that's mostly because he's a rule follower).

I could bring him back to the dev pedi, but I'm less than thrilled with him. I know we'll get a bunch of questionnaires and then either advice to medicate or not. I'm not strongly opposed to meds if that's what he needs, but I think it would be better if he was under the oversight of a psychiatrist, right? Not just a dr he sees once every 3 months.

Also, his behavior is STRONGLY dependent on how much sleep he gets and how much he eats. He does have periods of great behavior that make me wonder if I should seek out a nutritionist or something. He's incredibly picky and it's so hard to get him to eat. When he doesn't, though, he's terrible.

Any advice is appreciated. I hate that his childhood is being filled with his parents constantly scolding him.

august06mom · September 2014

Thank you. I know I need to ignore the annoying stuff, but it's so hard when he's antagonizing his little brother. I literally can't walk out of the room for 10 seconds without him making ds2 shriek.

On the flip side, he can be amazingly helpful when he wants to. He will make ds2 cars out of Legos and then repeatedly repair them when they break. He's super bright and does well with school work when's not too busy yapping and being silly. He hadn't been defiant at school, just way too silly. And even though his bday is in Aug., he's not even young for his class because the cutoff is Dec 1 and at least a third of the class is still 7.

hopecounts · September 2014

I agree I'd go with the psychologist and get him evaled and some parenting techniques for you.

I would absolutely want to reevaluate for ADHD due to changing expectations what was borderline may now be clearer either way.
I would also want to rule out Oppositional Defiant Disorder since it is a common comorbid for ADHD and can cause significant behavorial issues and take some specific work to address and parent well.

august06mom · September 2014

I honestly don't know if our expectations are too high for him. I look at ds2 and think back to what I expected of ds1 at that age and it seems insane. I never know if I expect too much of ds1 or if I'm selling short ds2.

Prime example: I asked ds1 to go put his pajamas on. Instead of walking down the hallways, he flopped on the floor and crawled like an inchworm, as sloooooowwwww as possible, to get there. I finally snapped and said if he wasn't dressed by the time I finished with ds2, he wasn't getting a bedtime story. It's a hundred things like that every day. He says I'm the most unfun mom ever, and may be right.

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