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Late Term and Child Loss
sugarstar1784
member
journal share
sugarstar1784
member
I'm sitting here, on my couch, after having slept 11 hours. (8 hours in bed with my fiance, then when he goes to work, I make up the couch and sleep for 3 more hours). I've had black tea (because coffee makes me too anxious anymore) and a cup of hot cocoa. I've eaten my leftover Snackers from Olga's for breakfast. I'm about to eat my leftover Reuben sandwich from Big Boy. I've got the patio door open for my cats, otherwise all blinds are shut. The TV is on to 7th heaven, because it makes me feel like I have a family (same with 19 Kids and Counting and Friends). I mute every baby commercial. I haven't put a bra on, so I feel pretty squishy right now. I don't have make up on. I haven't taken a shower yet today. I haven't left the house. My fiance is at work, and I have been chatting with him on Yahoo. Anytime I hear someone around my house (people walking, neighbors talking, etc) or noises inside my house I go into a panic, going through every conversation I could have surrounding any interaction I might have. I don't want to go outside, or go anywhere, for fear of people seeing me. My neighbor is pregnant. My other neighbor just had a baby. My sister just had her baby. And I'm sitting here, watching TV. I go to therapy, and that's about it. I don't have a job, because I don't know what to do for work (complicated story, but I don't know the title of the jobs that fit the description of the jobs I am interested in) I haven't shed a tear yet today, but I have them all backing up, for when my fiance comes home. I don't like to feel anything when he's not here. I don't like to do anything when he's not here. Maybe that's why I don't move (except for bathroom and food). Because moving, I am present. I am aware of my life and body and that makes me sad. The pit of despair opens up and swallows me.
This isn't me. I can do better. I can feel better. I can exercise, I can lose (the) weight, I can take care of the laundry and the dishes and do the yard work. I can get a job. I can move forward.
But right now, I am stuck. I am chained to this couch until it's safe to move.
*Said goodbye to our angel baby July 30. 2014. only had him for 21 weeks in my belly, missing him every day*
This discussion has been closed.
Re: journal share
Asher born February 5, 2011.
Baby #2 born sleeping at 20 weeks. May 6, 2014.
I'm so sorry you're stuck in this. We've all been there, and it does get better, but I know that is hard to see right now. I took six weeks off work after my loss, and when I went back I wanted to do NOTHING except go to work (well I didn't want to do that either). I couldn't even go to a support group that I found to be very helpful, because finding the strength to go to work every day was all I could do. Anything beyond work had to wait at least six months and then I still wasn't very fond of doing things. Big hugs to you mama, you're not alone.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!