So here's a conundrum- Need advice

SmittyPants · September 2014

My best friend is pregnant. She and her husband have never been sure if they want a child. I'm the only one that knows they're expecting. Our close, mutual friend is suffering from infertility. She and her husband desperately want a child. We have an annual get together at Thanksgiving and my BF wants to keep the pregnancy under wraps until then and surprise everyone by showing up with a belly (she lives far away so we don't see her much).

My problem is that I know our mutual friend will be very upset. I'm not on board with bombarding our mutual with this info while at what is supposed to be a fun gathering with many other people present. I tried talking to my BF about being sensitive to our mutual friend's situation and she's decided that this is how she wants to announce her pregnancy.

What do I do? On the one hand, I want to tell our mutual friend so she's not blindsided, but on the other hand, I've been told about this pregnancy in confidence.

I'm so torn. I want to honor my friend's decision to announce her pregnancy in the manner she chooses, and yet, I want to limit the pain my other friend will feel from it.

WWYD?

SurpriseAt39 · September 2014

You've voiced your opinion to your BF, and it's not your news to tell.
Let your BF deal with it.
Maybe she will contact your mutual friend before the announcement herself.

If I was the pregnant one, I'd be mad at you for not keeping my secret and spoiling my surprise.

If I was the one suffering infertility and found out from you, I'd likely be a bit upset at you (Inappropriately so) for being the one who told me.
If I find out from pregnant friend, you're not caught in the middle. I may still be upset, but I would not have you to blame for it.

Obviously you know your friends. I can only tell you what I think I would do based on envisioning myself and a couple friends in your place. I could sun-in a variety of friend into the scenario. Depending on their personalities it could go well, or it may go to hell.
Good luck with your decision.

nlane0723 · September 2014

I can tell you from experience that a "warning" doesn't make it easier or less painful. I knew about a coworkers pregnancy for over a month before she announced. The day she did, I left immediately after the announcement and was a sobbing mess the next 2-3 days. I've had people tell me personally before everyone else too. Still resulted in a sobfest.

Honestly, it doesn't matter if you know before or experience an announcement in real time. It's terribly heart wrenching no matter the situation. Just be there for her before, during, and after. Let her know you care and are keeping her in your thoughts and prayers. Hug her, let her cry on your shoulder, and don't tell her it's going to be alright because in that moment it won't. It's going to suck for her regardless. Just be there for her.

I hate infertility. It's such a heart wrenching diagnosis.

katka512 · September 2014

As someone who went through infertility, I would tell your mutual friend. That way, she won't be blindsided at Thanksgiving and can process her feelings in private beforehand.
There is no reason your BF has to know you told your mutual friend. She can still give her congrats at Thanksgiving when the pregnancy is revealed to everyone.
When my SIL got pregnant and we were going through IF treatments, my in laws told us first even though SIL asked them not to tell. I was able to cry at home and then still act surprised and be happy when they told us. I'm still grateful my in laws told us because I would not have wanted to get upset at that family gathering.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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fish8412 · September 2014

babycaps said:

CHPhotoMama said:
I know you are trying to protect everyone in this situation so no one has hurt feelings, but it's not your place. You've told your pregnant friend that she should be sensitive. If she chooses not to, and ends up hurting your other friend that sucks, but all you can do is be supportive on both sides. You should continue to encourage your pregnant friend to tell your mutual friend in advance, but be respectful of her privacy. And be understanding if your mutual friend decides to leave early and is upset. There is no way to control this situation to make everyone happy. FX for a good outcome!
This. Word for word. It is NOT your place to share someone's news. Especially big news like this. And TG is about 2 months away. I don't want to be a Debbie downer but depending on how early in pregnancy she is, what if something happens and she's (God forbid) no longer pregnant and chooses to keep that under wraps?
Don't out yourself even more in the middle!

Yes to all of this! Do not ever share someone else's pregnancy news. I view that as potentially ruining a friendship.

You have given your friend a suggestion but she declined so there isn't anything else you can do. You can't force someone to do something so try to let it go.

kelley72 · September 2014

I'd tell pregnant friend, I am going to tell mutual friend and hope you can see why. I wouldn't tell mutual friend without letting pg friend know I am doing so. In this instance I see your motivation as being caring and upfront with both ladies.

kaking78 · September 2014

I wouldn't tell the friend dealing with infertility myself but I would encourage your pregnant friend to tell her before the big announcement. Maybe once the glow has worn off a bit she'll be willing to talk to her one to one. Who knows if it will help or not though.

This past summer my husband's sister-in-law who has been dealing with IF for years burst into tears when she saw J for the first time (I later found out she had just miscarried for the 6th time or so). It's not like she didn't know J existed but somehow seeing the reality of it hit her hard.

zartisterica · September 2014

I'd tell the mutual friend. Nothing like being blindsided when people are watching.

I think it would be the considerate thing to do. I know I'd appreciate it.

You have a while before party so you don't have to tell her now but I think a week beforehand, still gives time for the pregnant friend to tell her.

Good Luck!

mfarmer0811 · September 2014

First of all, let me say I think you are a very sweet friend for feeling like you do. Secondly, I'm sorry you have to be in this situation.

This very thing happened to me, only I was the one that was blindsided. My BF and I always said we were going to try and have our kids close together. When my DH and I started trying, we were both very excited at the possibility of raising our kids together. Well, fast forward about a year, DH and I still weren't pregnant. My SIL was over visiting one day with her two girls (8 and 6 at the time) And my oldest niece blurts out: Miss Traci's pregnant!! I was absolutely blindsided! I immediately had to leave the room and I burst into tears! I was VERY hurt that not only did she not tell me, but that she told my SIL (whom she met through me) and I had to hear it from an 8 year old. I so wish either my SIL would have gently told me, or wished my BF would have told me herself.

When it comes to infertility, it is a very, very sensitive topic, and no one can understand it unless you've been through it. You can sympathize, but you absolutely cannot empathize. I could go on about this, but I won't.

I would tell your friend, but I would wait closer to Thanksgiving like PP's said. I don't know how I would handle it if one of my "supposedly" good friends walked in with a bump, with absolutely no heads up. Your pregnant friend is going to be excited to show off her bump, and if your mutual friend doesn't know, I promise, her reaction will not be what the pregnant friend wants/expects. It could also take away from the excitement from your friend b/c people will be trying to be sensitive to your IF friend. She needs time to process it, and grieve, once again, for something she doesn't have. Also, does mutual friend know that your BF didn't even know if she and her H wanted kids? That could be another blow. Knowing that someone who didn't even really want kids, or was unsure got pregnant so easily while she is over there dying on the inside and would do absolutely ANYTHING to be pregnant!

If you are not comfortable doing this, I would encourage you to continue talking to the pregnant friend and explaining further the hurt it could ensue with your other friend, and the strain it could potentially place on y'alls friendship.

sambrownmac10 · September 2014

I have fertility issues, I've been on both ends, finding out my good friend conceived the first month trying and just blurting it out to me and also being the pregnant one telling my best friend with IF issues I was pregnant.
She was happy for me because of my IF issues but it also broke her heart and we told her after our parents and kids and in private so she could grieve.

I would suggest encouraging pregnant friend to tell, if she doesn't a week before event I would tell and let pregnant friend know you have told because you are very concerned about your other friend as well.

This has put you in a very tough spot good luck with whichever decision you make.

YankeePeach08 · September 2014

how far along is the PG friend? if she is just finding out then she won't be all that big by TG. Hell, she might just be bloated and when she walks in everyone will just think "wow, she got fat"

I would not do anything until closer to TG, anything could happen. PG friend could miscarry, could be outed or IF friend could get pregnant depending on if they are pursuing treatment.

I would talk to PG friend a little more and prep her on some things NOT to say if she is going to go through with her announcement...for example don't' say "yea we weren't even trying", "weren't sure if we wanted kids but guess God thought we deserved one" or anything like that.

Good luck.

jennybean80 · September 2014

I went through years (like 6) of infertility before getting pregnant through IVF with DS1 and during that time my very best friend surprised everyone in our group of friends with an "OMG I'm pregnant and we weren't really even trying!" announcement. I was happy for her, but really upset that she wasn't considerate enough to tell me separately, especially since I had asked her flat out if she was pg a couple days earlier. She knew about our IF, and while I understand her wanting to have a big moment, that moment was AWFUL for me.

You're in a crap position because it's not your place to tell, but you know it'll probably be really hard for your IF friend to hear. I'd wait until closer to the day and ask pregnant friend again to give IF a warning. Good luck.

Moedowell · September 2014

i agree with so much of what the pp's said..this stinks!

I think the pg friend should care more for the mutual friend to tell her prior to the reveal, and has put you in a crap position to sit on this news for 2 months!

to keep from making anyone feel crappy, i'd say badger the hell out of pg friend to at least tell mutual friend so you can be there to support her, and you can both be there for pg friend come turkey day?

not sure if that helps, but that's what i'd do...good luck!

braintree · September 2014

Can you tell the friend who has struggled with infertility that there will be a pregnancy announcement and that you don't want her to be blindsided, and that you aren't at liberty to share who will be announcing? (Even if she can guess who..) That way you're not 100% spilling the beans, but you're trying to prepare her?

rockopera · September 2014

IMNSHO, I think that the potential public heartbreak of the friend with IF trumps the perfect fun belly announcement. I think that saving someone from such hurt is the less of the evils here.

You have some time. I would just sit on it for awhile and closer to thanksgiving, push the issue with pg friend again. Maybe the super fun "look at my belly, aren't you surprised" idea won't have so much allure after you already have gotten a lot of attention for the pregnancy from others, and she may be more amenable to giving the heads up to the one couple. If not, consider telling her. She can process the news in private and then decide if she wants to come or not.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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memo9 · September 2014

One way or another, I think IF friend should have some sort of warning before a group announcement.

Kewii · September 2014

Is it wrong that I kinda hope your friend, who's being a bit of an insensitive douche, walks in at Thanksgiving and looks like she's just gained a bunch of weight instead of looking like she has a bump?

Then she gets none of the reactions that she wanted, and I think it would serve her right.

SmittyPants · September 2014

Thanks for all the replies everyone and I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. The kids seem to have come down with the plague so I've been dealing with that non-stop.

Anyway, my pregnant friend is 14 weeks along and everything is normal and healthy. My friend struggling with infertility has been doing so for three years. She was very happy about my first pregnancy and happy again with my second, but it stung and she let me know that.

I'm still unsure what to do. I may just try to talk to my pregnant friend again to see if I can sway her.

Thanks again

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