Overbearing sister-in-law... ARGH

Knottie61710678 · June 2014

Hi all, I need some advice about my overbearing sister in law. When my daughter was born, SIL had a list of 25 characteristics that my little one (LO) got from her, and not once did she say, "LO has your..." This was annoying, but this behavior just keeps getting worse. When the whole family is together, she's the one spouting off things like, "LO likes it when you do this or make these noises" and when someone asks if LO is sitting up or doing this or that, SIL chimes in and answers instead of letting me.

She babysits sometimes, and so does my mom... when the three of us went out shopping with LO, SIL kept taking the stroller from me to push LO, and taking LO out of my mom's arms when I was in the dressing room. My mom said she felt like SIL was really just taking over and not letting my mom enjoy LO. We're all there together, so all three of us can watch LO... but she really butts in there and wants to do it.

SIL is still going on now, 5 mos later, about all of the characteristics LO has that come from her. Sometimes when she's over and LO is crying and I'm working on calming her down, SIL will come over and hold her arms out and say, "Do you want me to try?" As if I would ever hand my baby off to anyone else to comfort her when I am right there available and able! My mother in law also gave SIL a mother's day card, which is really getting to me. When I mentioned it to my mother in law, she said she did it because she wanted to acknowledge Auntie for being so nurturing. That's nice, but it really felt like they were taking from MY day. I'm a first time mom, and mother's day is for me.

Sorry for venting here. I'm just not sure if I'm being crazy possessive or if my feelings are normal and fair. I guess I'm seeking validation before talking to my SIL to set up some boundaries. Also wondering if anyone has had to have that conversation and what they did to ensure it went well.

shannm · June 2014

Did the card acknowledge that it was for an aunt? If not, that is lifetime movie creepy.

fitmom82 · July 2014

If she's really getting to you, and she would be getting to me, I'd limit my time with her. I wouldn't have her babysit anymore. It sounds like she's your DH's sister. Although I'm close to my DH's sister, I'd never have her go shopping with me and my mom. However because you did feel comfortable enough to include her on a day out with you and your mom, maybe it's just best to let it go. If it were my sister doing these things, I'd add to what she says when answering people, or I'd correct her.

Myaflowers · July 2014

I agree with @K3am, it sounds like it could be related to SIL's age or situation. It would definitely be weird and overbearing if my SIL, who is 39 years old with 3 kids, acted like this with DD. If DH had a younger sister who was a teenager or young single woman, I would see this kind of behavior as less concerning. Or maybe SIL is older and was unable to have her own children for some reason. My SIL always tried to 'share' her DD with me when I was struggling with loss and IF. I appreciated that and loved being able to spend time with my niece and nurture her. I never took over or said things like your SIL, though. In any case, if it bothers you, I would talk to SIL and set boundaries. It sounds like she truly cares about your LO but may not realize her behavior is bothering you.

ETA: Spelling

kikimeemee · July 2014

Something tells me your SIL is single and over 35. Not that all women who are single and over 35 are weird, but I take it your SIL sees this as her best opportunity at almost being a mom. She sounds overly excited and odd, yes. I think her immature behavior speaks volumes on its own so need to officially address anything. You're the LO's mom, and that'll never change.

It's odd. I will give you that!!

jellybean529 · July 2014

It would get under my skin too...when DD was born, all I heard was how she looked/got such and such from X relative and I'm like...SHE CAME OUT OF ME, PEOPLE. Surely SOMETHING she has or does was inherited from me! The Mother's Day card is beyond weird too.

I don't know if I'd do anything about it beyond limiting time around her, as PPs have said.

SunAndRain · July 2014

I feel for you, I really do. But like pp said you can't change anyone, you can only change your reaction toward their actions.
If your SIL takes your baby for your mom, next time SAY " mom, why don't you hold dd while I'm in the changing room." Make sure SIL is aware of your wishes. If she takes lo from your mom then politely tell her "SIL, please give lo back to my mother." No discussion. No apologies. No debate. Repeat as necessary.
You really need to start standing up for yourself. It isn't always easy but establishing boundaries makes your life easier in the long run.

welly01 · July 2014

Wow. I agree with PP's that said to just limit your time with her. If I were you, I wouldn't let her babysit anymore alone. She just sounds crazy and possessive to me. I have very little patience for crazy people though. What does your DH think of her behavior?

VOR · July 2014

Yup, I'm in the "limit your time with her" camp. AND I agree- start speaking up. She tries to take LO from you? "No thanks, I got it". She talks about how LO is like her? I'd probably say "Uh huh - or she got that from DH, her dad.".

I find the Mother's Day card thing weird too. But I agree- that's on your MIL. Don't be pissy about that in regards to your SIL.

I'll also say - as this is DHs sister, what are HIS thoughts on it/on her? If he is annoyed to, if you all feel you need to say more - it might be best if he talks to her.

ASmallWonder · July 2014

It sounds like your SIL inherited her mother's brand of crazy.

Knottie61710678 · July 2014

Thanks for helping me out. The SIL is 30, and I am 34. I think part of the issue is that SIL will never have a child of her own for a variety of reasons, so she's really taking in my daughter more than she would if she could have her own children. I am trying to be sensitive to that, but I also think I shouldn't have to feel like my relationship with my own daughter is being encroached upon.

Re the mother's day card - on one hand it's sweet that my mother in law wanted to acknowledge my SIL for being a nurturing aunt, but the repercussions of that action are that I feel like my day is being taken from me. Auntie can be acknowledged for being nurturing, but does have to be on MY DAY?

Knottie61710678 · July 2014

Thanks so much for your comments. I'm definitely working on trying to calm down and not let her behavior get to me. I think part of it all is I'm trying to figure out WHY I'm so bothered. Everyone knows she's my daughter - so what's SIL REALLY taking from me? Really probably nothing. I'm working on trying to set boundaries as they come up, rather than have a big conversation about it all. So far that's where I'm at. Your comments are definitely appreciated!

Knottie61710678 · July 2014

Thanks for the idea! I think that's a great idea. I will definitely start appointing "the holder of the LO" when I'm leaving the room so that it's clear that person will not always be SIL. Really great idea.

Knottie61710678 · July 2014

Hi all - THANK YOU and THANK YOU for your comments. You've all said a lot of great things here that are making me feel a bit better. I'm glad to know I'm not crazy for feeling a little possessive, I'm glad to know others might be annoyed by this behavior, I'm glad to hear that I could also chill out a little on my end, and glad to hear your ideas for working through this.

Some of you asked about my husband's reaction - and I have to say it was really great. He definitely made me feel like he was very much on my side, but also was very clear that she is his sister and we've got to find a way to work through it. He didn't take sides, but also made me feel like he supports me in whatever I need to feel comfortable. I think he handled his end of it all very maturely and that made me love him even more.

We did end up hiring someone to watch LO so that we could draw a line in the sand for SIL between aunt and caretaker, and we have limited our time with her quite a bit lately so I could breathe a little. We'll see how it goes.

BTW I don't know if the mother's day card was an "aunt mother's day card" or a regular mother's day card - I never saw it. It was SIL who, when we were telling her how we spent our mother's day and how sweet it was that MIL sent me a card, inserted, "Mom sent me a mother's day card too." Insert thorn in my side.

Thanks again all - I'm taking in your suggestions and appreciate the time.

rodiesmum · July 2014

As @jellybean529 said, just limit your time with her.

KayteeGee · July 2014

RE: the Mother's Day card... maybe it didn't even happen... I mean, if you didn't see it and she just mentioned "Mom sent me a mother's day card, too" that's kind of strange to just toss in...

AND... if your MIL mailed her daughter a card, I don't really see how that's encroaching on "your day" but I'm not very attached to things like that, so I could be in the minority here.

That said, I fully don't blame you for thinking she's being a little strange, I'm sure I'd be thinking the same thing ...On the whole it sounds like you're in a really great place and I think it's REALLY mature and smart to take a look at why it's bothering you.

GOOD LUCK!

alisonc87 · August 2014

I understand why she may be going so overboard, and while it is probably well meaning, I totally get your irritation. My sil won't have any children and I often worry this will be the case when my baby comes next month. My sister is not planning to have children, but I would feel more comfortable telling her to back off a bit than my sil. I would encourage your DH to talk to her and let her know how you're feeling, (although frame it that BOTH of you feel that way). The rule in our house is I deal with my family and DH deals with his, because his mom/sister/etc. has to love him, they don't have to like me, and vice versa.

I got my sister a "auntie" mother's day card this year, and will most likely every year. I didn't for my sil because DH didn't want to. I had an aunt I was close to growing up, and I always got her a mother's day card (and still do), so it wouldn't feel so invasive if it were from you. However, I would be more than a little irritated if someone other than me/DH/my children once they are old enough bought a card for my sil (or my sister). I think it should be up to the mom to decide if they want to recognize a special family member on Mother's/Father's day.

*sparky* · August 2014

I can understand why all of that would bother you - she sounds way over the top with her excitement over her neice. The only thing is if the card was an Aunt card, that is really not so strange and in no way detracts from your day. I do, however, that the way she threw it into the conversation is a bit annoying.

I think you are doing the right thing by putting some distance between the two of you and between SIL and your LO. I do think at some point you need to talk to her about it so she knows where you are coming from but I would wait until you have had a little space and are not quite so annoyed with her so you can talk calmly.

melissa53142 · September 2014

Thank you for sharing your story. It comforts me to know that I am not the only one struggling with this very same issue and I appreciate reading everyone's comments relating to your post. Sometimes people just don't get it and our SIL's definitely fall into this category. I have had the "boundaries" conversation more than once with my SIL and she was fuming. She has since then chosen to alienate herself from me, yet she wants to be overly involved in my children's lives. Does she not understand that I don't want someone around my children that can't even respect their mother? She's deleted and blocked me from FB because she wants to share things about my children when I've specifically asked her to not to. What sort of message has that sent to me?? Not a real good one and one that says she doesn't really care about the mother of her niece and nephew. She only communicates to my husband about my children so that puts him in a tough position. Lately, I would say too that she has been overly nice/pleasant/loving toward him in hopes that she can get him to side with her. It's so incredibly annoying. I truly feel that my children are the only things that can make her happy in her sad life. I have to keep reminding myself that the time spent thinking about this crap is the less time I get to spend thinking of my beautiful children. Life is short, let's pick the battles that really do affect us the most. It's incredibly tough to do but it's the only way that will help us be the best moms that we can be. Our kids will realize soon enough on their own that they have a "crazy" aunt.

skibunny59 · September 2014

PrivacyWanted said:

Maybe the MIL just saw the card at Hallmark or whatever and thought she was supposed to? I mean it is a whole section of the Mother's Day Cards.

Anyway, OP - I think we all get annoyed at some point or another by family members who insist LO is just like "[insert themselves, or long distant cousin 20x removed] - i think it's human nature to try to find your own characteristics in offspring. I know I deal with a lot of people saying my 16m old is just like my brother was because my brother is no longer with us, and people want to see that. My mom says every single trait both my kids have is because of they "get it" from grandma,and my MIL has gone to the extreme of insisting my black hair, hazel eyed DH was a blue-eyed towe-head until "just recently".

You probably aren't going to change anyone. What you can do is change your own attitude about her comments. She insists on calming LO down? You say "oh no thanks, I've got it." Or take a break and close your eyes for a minute and enjoy the break if you want. She'll either back off in time, or get the message.
Or maybe she won't, and you'll have to be more forceful. but at the end of the day the more people in your village who love your kid, the better.

I agree with the bolded. My mother can be like this with my DD (she takes care of DD while I'm at work) and I've really learned to just let it go. Yes, it's annoying but honestly talking about it to the person doesn't change a thing and only causes more friction between you and that person. My mom LOVES my DD so much but at the end of the day I am DD's mom and let me tell you when DD is having a rough day or just wants cuddles, she always wants me. It's funny because DD is 2 now and she herself is starting to tell my mom when my mom tries to butt in. Like she will say "No, I want Mama to do it." or "No, I want Mama hugs."

I always find these posts funny too because it's almost like people are fighting over who loves their kid more. If only every kid in this world were so lucky to have so many people love them so much.

I also agree that the mother's day card was ridiculous and inappropriate but that's your MIL's fault not SIL.

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