dates & associations with numbers

dragonfly1809 · September 2014

Dates become so significant once TTC, pregnancy and loss. We all attach ourselves to numbers - good associations and bad, milestones, memories, all those connections.

I set my radio to volume 11 because Finn was with us for 11 days. I set my tv volume to 18, for the day he was born. As sad as those numbers make me, there special, almost happy associations. Those were good days.

I've wanted to hate the number 29, because on that number Finn died .. But, for some reason this new pregnancy keeps making associations with the number 29. I found out I was pregnant on May 29th. On June 29th I took a fabulous photo of a double rainbow. July 29th is our "sort of" anniversary (we got married in Canada on February 29th - yes, leap year - but then threw a "big fat fake wedding" in Australia for all our friends and family there) ...so 29 has always had a place.

I've been dreading this September 29th, the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I was really emotional on his birthday - but this day brings a whole different kind of association. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, having bad dreams, being very forgetful and lost in my own fog.. It's an awful sinking feeling. I find myself playing all kinds of mind tricks to avoid the memories and images in my mind.

I've been reserving the day (not making plans) so there will be no pressure to go anywhere or see anyone. ..,or so I hoped.

We were supposed to have an ultrasound done this past Monday, but at the last minute it was cancelled because the technician went home sick. They rescheduled us for ..Monday, September 29th.

At first I was like, no way.. I can't have it done that day, but after talking it over with my husband we decided maybe it was meant to be this way.. maybe it's a little connection between our two boys.

It's going to be emotional. As of now I'm not expecting bad news - he's moving, I spy with my doppler whenever in doubt and he never lets me down, ...there is no reason to get worked up about anything.
I'm just feeling too many feelings of grief and love, and begging the universe to not hurt me again. Let him be with us forever, and let it be Finn who wields the magic.

I can't help but wonder if Finn is trying to tell me to not hate the date so much.

Aaahhh.. What a ramble. Thanks for sticking it out. If you've got this far, you deserve pie. xo

Any weird feelings about dates? Connections? Tell me your stories, I know I'm not alone.

NoeliaV · September 2014

This is sweet, mama. Sending you lots of ((( hugs ))) as the 29th approaches. >:D<

peggels24 · September 2014

((hugs)) It's as if Finn is there with you, watching over you, telling you that the 29th is okay - that you don't have to go on dreading it.

My story: my mother passed away in 2004 from liver disease - however the months preceding her death were the most stressful days I've ever lived. There were a tons of ups and downs throughout those months but it seemed that we always received bad news on Thursdays - always Thursdays. When my father was sick in 2010, it was also Thursdays that we received the bad news. When I miscarried in October 2013, it was Thursday night that I started bleeding and knew that it was the beginning of the end. Well with this baby, almost all of my appointments have been on Thursdays and we've received nothing but good news - I feel as if the curse has finally been lifted.

mandi195 · September 2014

Big hugs to you. I'm weird about certain numbers, too; so I can relate. FX for you that the 29th appt goes wonderfully for you.

KJsbabe · September 2014

So many ((hugs)) I will be thinking of you and your sweet Finn on the 29th.

MoreThanSparrows08 · September 2014

Lots of ((hugs)) and love, sweetie. I hate that you have to deal with this.

I don't really have a numbers story, but there are three holidays that mean different things now. Thanksgiving of last year - we found out the day before that were were pregnant. I told one person, only because she asked when we'd be trying for another baby. 12/8 is when we were told we would likely miscarry, and that there were two babies. 12/10 is when I confirmed their loss. I cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve and Christmas night because we were planning to tell family at Christmas.

My oldest son's birthday - 8/3 - was our due date for our twins. I dove into planning his party and other activities around that date so I didn't have much time to think about how different this year would have been.

Mom2anAngel2 · September 2014

Many ((HUGS)). I'm sure this is Finn's way of telling you that he is always with you. Sending you many good vibes for your u/s on Monday.

goldengirl84 · September 2014

I have tears in my eyes! It's so obvious that your sweet Finn is looking down on you and sending lots of happy memories to replace your sad ones.

My due date with DS was October 5th, 2012, and my original due date from my loss in February is coming up on October 4th. I'm so thankful that I have something to celebrate as this day approaches. I'll be 8 weeks and hopefully feeling much more relaxed after seeing another good US. October has a lot of very significant dates in it for us. DH and I started dating 10 years ago this October, we got engaged in October 2009 and had our son in October 2012.

mandi195 · September 2014

Christmas is my dreaded date. My first loss, 10 years ago, happened on Christmas morning. (Nothing like an early morning trip to the ER to ruin a holiday) after telling my entire family on Christmas Eve. My most recent loss was 2 years ago. We told our entire families on Christmas/Christmas Eve, and found out the day before New Years Eve that we had lost the baby. I hated Christmas for years, and at some point every year have "disappeared" from the festivities to sob in a private space. 2 years ago when we announced was the first year I hadn't since my first loss... and last year I had to fight back tears, but have found ways to try to cope better. Hugs to all who struggle through the upcoming holiday season.

BackstreetPixie · September 2014

I think Fin just wants to be part of this so things happen on 29.

For me my first pregnancy everything was a birthday. Found out we were pregnant on my cousin's birthday. Due date was my grandfather's birthday. Found out about the missed miscarriage on my nephew's birthday. Miscarried with medication on a dear friends birthday. Now with this pregnancy everytime it is some one significants birthday I hold my breath. I learned i was pregnant with this one on my parents anniversary. EDD for this one is Easter. My babies seem to like special days. My hubby was born on Christmas. So yeah... Holidays..

JuddandJessica · September 2014

Oh sweet Momma. So many hugs and love being sent your way.

On a much smaller level, I've had so many of those same experiences. With rainbow1.0, it was almost overpowering. I had connected the song "Thousand years" to my lost LO and to this day, I swear to you the song shows up on my bad days. I turn on the radio and there it is. Open Pinterest, there it is! I know it is how my little Roo tells me he is still here and still wants his mommy to be happy.

I don't think our babies want us to remember those numbers/etc in sadness. They want us to remember the happiness they shared. Just like we refuse to remember them as "the lost child" but instead remember them as "the child that once lived".

JuddandJessica · September 2014

On that note, I firmly believe more than anything else in my life, that my rainbow was sent here by my son and daughter to help heal me. I have never had a stronger conviction. Call me crazy but I swear by the look in his eyes my rainbow knew exactly what he was doing when he first looked at me in the delivery room. How absolutely beautiful is it that our babies could share that connection?

Samuelismomma · September 2014

Lots of hugs! I think your right about the connection between your boys! That is an awesome thought, cling to that. Thinking of you and dear Finn...

Denise91980 · September 2014

Many ((hugs)) you. You, H and Finn are in my thoughts. Loss is so tough and anniversaries are too. (((((Hugs)))))

RustyGirl3 · September 2014

So many hugs for you.

I agree that it's Finn's way of letting you know he is with you.

erinel · September 2014

Yep, dates/numbers are tough. Every 11th (day he was born) and 17th (day he passed away) are hard for me. I am due March 4th with our rainbow baby, and it is very likely that I will have her early as my son was early, and my mom had all three of her children early. At first I was terrified that she might come on February 17th, the one year anniversary of his death, but then my husband pointed out that it could be a sign if she did, so now I am totally ok with it!