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Legal guardianship

catycatecatycate member
in Stay at Home Moms
Backstory: my aunt (let's call her G) and 1 cousin (M) and I have had a huge falling out and I have decided to cut contact with them for good. This happened 2 weeks ago and I don't see our relationship healing any time soon,particularly since no attempt to heal has been made from either side. I don't think they are interested in any more of a relationship then I am. The kids legal guardian (should something happen to DH and I) is another cousin (B) who, I still have a relationship with, brother to M and son to G. Got all that? . Am I crazy that I want to go and legally change the guardians? DH doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but on the chance that something terrible happens, while I do still love and trust B, I don't want my children raised around M and G, doing holidays and vacations with them. These people are toxic and I have no doubt they would talk negatively about DH and I. DH thinks I'm being dramatic, but really even I were to cobble together a relationship with G and M, I still wouldn't want my kids raised around them.. Am I overreacting and/or jumping the gun? WWYD?
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Re: Legal guardianship

  • catycatecatycate member
    Yes we actually have another amazing almost even better option, assuming they say yes- my BIL and SIL with 2 cousins that we absolutely adore. Before we even had the falling out, we were sort of second guessing our choice.
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  • hlm184hlm184 member
    Kimbus22 said:
    I'd probably change it, although I'd give it a month or two to make sure I'm making the change for the right reasons and not just because I'm mad.  I'd also be prepared for the fact that it could ruin your relationship with B.
    Yeah, but she doesn't have to tell B, kwim?

    We're adjusting who is on our list of people to take M if we were to die, and we have removed someone who thinks they are on the list, but we did not tell them.  Why borrow trouble?  Odds are they'll never need to know.
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  • sschwegesschwege member
    hlm184 said:
    Kimbus22 said:
    I'd probably change it, although I'd give it a month or two to make sure I'm making the change for the right reasons and not just because I'm mad.  I'd also be prepared for the fact that it could ruin your relationship with B.
    Yeah, but she doesn't have to tell B, kwim?

    We're adjusting who is on our list of people to take M if we were to die, and we have removed someone who thinks they are on the list, but we did not tell them.  Why borrow trouble?  Odds are they'll never need to know.
    Yes!  I was just reading an article about this in Parents Magazine, they said you in no way have to make others aware of changes or your wishes.  They said if you feel you must explain write a note and have it given to the person/people in the event of your death.  Chances are they will never know!
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  • hlm184hlm184 member
    Kimbus22 said:
    I personally wouldn't feel comfortable asking someone to be the kids' guardian and then changing it without telling them.  Plus, our guardian has a copy of all of our paperwork.  Speaking as someone who had a family member leave behind a will that was NOTHING like what anyone expected with no explanation due to their sudden death, I just wouldn't do that to someone else under any circumstances.
    Well, I wouldn't put someone in the will as a caretaker without their agreement.  We were also very specific in the conversation, saying that there were multiple people we would be authorizing, so they would just go down the list, as it were, until they found someone on the list who would take the kids.  And we never told anyone who was first on the list anyway.
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  • Aussie45Aussie45 member
    Kimbus22 said:
    I'd probably change it, although I'd give it a month or two to make sure I'm making the change for the right reasons and not just because I'm mad.  I'd also be prepared for the fact that it could ruin your relationship with B.
    This. I'm torn on whether or not to tell B about the change. You could either be mature and tell him (which would be the right thing to do) or be a scaredy cat (the option I'm kind of leaning towards) and change the will and leave a letter explaining everything to B and having a will that clearly states that BIL and SIL get your kids.

    To me, taking B off the will as a legal guardian is different than putting someone on as a legal guardian without asking if they wanted that responsibility KWIM? Not telling him isn't the right thing to do probably, but hopefully it would be something that wouldn't even be an issue.
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  • hlm184hlm184 member
    Kimbus22 said:
    hlm184 said:
    Kimbus22 said:
    I personally wouldn't feel comfortable asking someone to be the kids' guardian and then changing it without telling them.  Plus, our guardian has a copy of all of our paperwork.  Speaking as someone who had a family member leave behind a will that was NOTHING like what anyone expected with no explanation due to their sudden death, I just wouldn't do that to someone else under any circumstances.
    Well, I wouldn't put someone in the will as a caretaker without their agreement.  We were also very specific in the conversation, saying that there were multiple people we would be authorizing, so they would just go down the list, as it were, until they found someone on the list who would take the kids.  And we never told anyone who was first on the list anyway.
    I'm confused.  So you have like 4 or 5 options of people who have all agreed to take the children?  But none of them know who will be asked first?

    If that's what you're doing, I think that's very different from what is being described here.  OP makes it seem like our situation, where one person is listed and has agreed to it and would be removed entirely and replaced with someone else.
    We do, and I agree that it's not the same.  But I also think it's different to remove someone from the will without telling as opposed to putting someone on without telling, kwim?
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  • hlm184hlm184 member
    Kimbus22 said:
    Definitely worse to put someone in the will as guardian without telling them.

    But I still think it's very strange to have a bunch of options and tell them all they're options but not actually tell anyone who is listed in the paperwork.  I don't get that at all.
    They're all listed in the paperwork (or will be once we get it finalized).  As in, "ask this person first, then ask this person, etc."  It covers the (admittedly unlikely instance) that someone predeceases us, dies at the same time, or finds themselves in a circumstance that makes taking care of our kids unfeasible.

    I mean, if the person is close enough that you want them taking care of your kids, they're close enough that they hang out with you and it's possible you all get hit by a bus at once.  Or that the day before you die, they've just had something catastrophic happen.

    We over plan, I admit it.
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  • hlm184hlm184 member
    courtdizzle said:
    I am totally not a lawyer. But we just had a meeting with ours to write our trust so some of this is fresh in my mind.  I also agree that you don't need to tell the cousin that they are going to be removed. I do like the idea of a note explaining in the event that they find out.  Which is unlikely so why cause problems?
    First, make sure you have a trust and not just a will.  A trust seemed like a way better way to make sure your wishes are followed.  A will seemed to imply that things would be in probate (I think?) and could take a long time and money from your estate to be resolved.  Your will should just state that you have trust that needs to be followed.  
    Second, it's a good idea to have a guardian and a separate financial executor.  We also have stipulations that our guardians must still be married and if not then we have two back ups with the same requirements.   It's not "do you want the kids? If not who's next" kind of a thing.  But if couple A is divorced/dececed then move on to couple B. 
    I think it's important to see a lawyer who specializes in estate planning.  This is important stuff...that we hope no one ever sees!

    Yes.  We have a trust too and it's complicated - I was simplifying above :)
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  • catycatecatycate member
    Thanks for your advice, y'all. I would never put any one as a guardian without talking over it with them, so that's not an issue. I think that B will understand. He is the voice of reason in a family of crazies. At least I know I'm not overreacting by wanting to change it.
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  • notkateanymorenotkateanymore member
    I think you need to think long and hard about taking away a desirable option of a guardian for your children based on something other people did and the fact that they might hang out.
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