XP - what to say to a friend dealing with IF?

E&B0811 · September 2014

Hi ladies. I generally post on PgAL but have been lurking and posting a bit here since May. I'm hoping you might be able to share your insight and ideas with me.

I have a friend that recently received the tough dx of MFI due to very low sperm count. She has been reaching out for someone to listen and sort of lament to but I really don't know what to say other than "that sucks" or "I am so sorry". Her H is anti donor sperm and they are overwhelmed with the potential costs associated with ivf. They could do one cycle but past that they'd have to take on some serious debt and that's not something they are comfortable with right now. So, ultimately they are looking at being CFNBC. She hasn't brought up adoption so I'm not going to either.

So, I want to be supportive but I really don't know what to say. I listen when she wants to talk and try to just affirm her feelings rather than say things like "have you considered" or something similarly dismissive.

Any insight or ideas?

TIA!

aksue22 · September 2014

This could have been written about me, lol. My husband has 0% morphology and we tried for 2.5 years with nothing. Our insurance does not cover IVF (though NJ requires coverage, my policy is written in CA so exempt from the NJ requirement...UGH). We visited several adoption agencies and found the cost to be just as overwhelming as IVF (the only difference is a virtual guarantee of a baby at the end).

I don't know what state your friend is located in, but we got very lucky with our IF Clinic. When my doctor saw that our insurance would cover nothing, knowing that IVF with ICSI and embryo biopsy was our only hope, he referred us to a study that the clinic was doing wherein the costs of IVF were covered. We paid one tenth the cost of a normal IVF cycle, and got lucky that we were successful with the first try.

Perhaps your friend could look into whether there are any clinics doing studies such as this. I know my clinic is still conducting the study, and maybe she could qualify. I went to RMANJ. Aside from the study opportunity, they are amazing doctors on the cutting edge of IF technology and advancements. They also have great bedside manner, but that is my personal experience in NJ. We would not be pregnant with our little lady if not for them.

Drgn30 · September 2014

Hi E! I think you're doing the right thing in just listening and validating her feelings. What more can you possibly say?

My IF road has been relatively uncomplicated and short compared to others, but I find it really helpful when my friends/family just allow me to vent. The worst is when people are dismissive, (i.e., "uh huh, so you did fertility drugs too? yeah i have a TON of friends doing that. It's almost commonplace now...").

so my opinion is to keep up with the active listening, asking questions, and expressing empathy.

JunkieBrewster · September 2014

my husband had 0 morphology, and a low count, after about 4 months of supplements, his levels wEnt to normal. Do you know if they have tried anything like that?

erien · September 2014

Do not say "just adopt." But it sounds like you already figured that out:-)

I didnt talk about my IF with anyone so I cant comment on what I found most helpful. Keep lending a listening ear and doing what you are doing.

E&B0811 · September 2014

JunkieBrewster said:
my husband had 0 morphology, and a low count, after about 4 months of supplements, his levels wEnt to normal. Do you know if they have tried anything like that?

What supplements worked for him?

Grateful&Thankful · September 2014

You sound like a really caring friend. I would continue to listen to her venting and just that alone is really helpful. You can always point her to some boards on the Bump like Infertility. Even if she does not feel like posting, she can lurk and learn a lot.

megbmeg · September 2014

I don't have personal experience with IF, but my brother and his wife have been struggling with IF for years. I would echo what @Drgn30‌ said about listening actively and validating your friends' feelings. If you think about the comments and attitudes that were most helpful when you talked about your own loss history vs the things that were hurtful, there is some common ground. It seems most helpful to listen, to make the other person feel like her feelings are heard and not to judge her for them or her decisions. And also give her space when she needs it but don't disappear. That's a tough balance, but I think it helps to say you're thinking of her and would want to talk if she's up to it, but don't pressure her. You can also ask her what you asked us. Just: I want to be there for you and I don't want to accidentally say something hurtful. What kinds of things help? What really bothers you? And see what she says.

And I would avoid bringing up any stories like "my neighbor had IF struggles." It doesn't sound like you're doing that, but it never seems to help.

Also, suggestions are dangerous, but you might mention the bump IF support boards. I know TTCAL is amazing, so I hope that the IF support would also be great.

amedbery · September 2014

I have a close friend with these issues. She failed to get pregnant after IVF a little after I hit the 12 week mark. I called her and told her I was pregnant a few weeks later. It was hard, but I didn't want her to feel left out and I didn't want her to feel like I was tiptoeing around her. Other friends have texted her the news - she told me it meant a lot that I didn't do that. Honestly, I think that treating her like a person and being willing to talk with her about the issue is appreciated - as is a lot of listening. You don't always have to be the one talking to be a good friend. Just make sure she knows that you support her.

E&B0811 · September 2014

Thank you so much for the insight ladies!

ebilbao · September 2014

You are doing the right thing by just listening. We dealt with IF for four years, and just having a sympathetic ear helps.

byrne15 · September 2014

Like others said...you are doing the right things. While dealing with IF I only had one friend that I knew I could really talk to who understood. And she meant and means the entire world to me.

JunkieBrewster · September 2014

E&B0811 said:

JunkieBrewster said:
my husband had 0 morphology, and a low count, after about 4 months of supplements, his levels wEnt to normal. Do you know if they have tried anything like that?
What supplements worked for him?

FERTILEAID did!

missmissie82 · September 2014

I want to echo what everyone else said.

The biggest, best thing was someone saying to me "that really blows and it's not fair, I'm here when you need to vent or meltdown, and I have wine".

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