What would you do? Pro-Vax moms question

lyoness013 · September 2014

I am 100% pro-vaccines. I plan to vaccinate my baby and I have even vaccinated myself since I have been pregnant as well. I do have a very close friend who chose not to vaccinate her children (to each their own, but I do not agree with this). I asked my doctor today if there is a safe time for our children to be able to play together and she said, to be safe, not before my son is a year old.

My question is, how do I bring this up to my friend? We have been in eachother's lives for almost 20 years and I love her girls to death but I also don't want to expose my sone to potentially dangerous illnesses. Help!

Justabean3 · September 2014

it is all personal choice

you simply tell her that you dont feel safe and neither does the pedi having your child play with hers unvaccinated until after age one. Then be prepared for backlash from her.

persephonerose · September 2014

Do you need to bring it up right now? I personally would wait until she mentions getting together to explain that you are uncomfortable with introducing LO to individuals that are not current on their vaccines.

Because she does not vaccinate she might have already made a choice not to be around until your LO is fully vaccinated. Or if she is way extreme she might freak out about you not wanting your children around hers. You probably know which way she would react.

sagegoodenough · September 2014

How anti vax is she? If she knows your baby will be vaccinated, she might not want to be around you anyway due to "shedding" (which is apparently something

)

Maybe put in a birth announcement letter that you require anyone coming to visit the baby to be fully updated on all vaccinations, that way it's not specifically calling her out but at the same time, informing everyone that you don't want any unvaccinated people around the baby which is a good thing to do anyway with the outbreaks going around now and the risk of pertussis.

sagegoodenough · September 2014

And to add to that, later on then if she's wanting to do something with the kids together you can still bring up your worry about vaccinations and that you need to make sure your kid has all theirs before you can arrange a play date.

MrMrsandBaby · September 2014

sagegoodenough said:

How anti vax is she? If she knows your baby will be vaccinated, she might not want to be around you anyway due to "shedding" (which is apparently something ) Maybe put in a birth announcement letter that you require anyone coming to visit the baby to be fully updated on all vaccinations, that way it's not specifically calling her out but at the same time, informing everyone that you don't want any unvaccinated people around the baby which is a good thing to do anyway with the outbreaks going around now and the risk of pertussis.

What? Not quite sure a birth announcement is the right place for that little tidbit...

OP - PP's have good advice. You know her best,you know how she is likely to respond. Just make sure she understands that it is your preference and your doctors recommendation that baby not be around unvaccinated people of ANY age until after 12 months.

Unknown · September 2014

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lyoness013 · September 2014

I appreciate all the input. Typically I am a very honest and blunt person but I do not want to hurt my friends feelings by not letting her kids around my baby. I was trying to figure out a nice way of putting it without her feeling like I'm just banning her family from mine. But my son's health and well being is my #1 priority so I suppose I'll have to suck it up and have the talk.

Thanks again!

Justabean3 · September 2014

I can tell you this though, if you are a FTM that this will be only the beginning of losing, testing and gaining friendships. You have to be an advocate for your child and sometimes that means distancing or rearranging the way you do things.

crystal8503 · September 2014

All you can do is what is best for your family and she's going to react however she feels necessary. Personally, I won't be putting my children at that risk because it isn't worth it to me. A friend is never going to rate as importantly in my life as my child and their health. I actually do not believe in allowing my children to interact with unvaccinated children until they are two because that is when they are fully vaccinated at my pediatrician's office.

I hope your friend respects and understands your choices. This is as much to keep her children safe as it is to keep yours safe.

sagegoodenough · September 2014

MrMrsandBaby said:

sagegoodenough said:

How anti vax is she? If she knows your baby will be vaccinated, she might not want to be around you anyway due to "shedding" (which is apparently something )

Maybe put in a birth announcement letter that you require anyone coming to visit the baby to be fully updated on all vaccinations, that way it's not specifically calling her out but at the same time, informing everyone that you don't want any unvaccinated people around the baby which is a good thing to do anyway with the outbreaks going around now and the risk of pertussis.

What? Not quite sure a birth announcement is the right place for that little tidbit...

OP - PP's have good advice. You know her best,you know how she is likely to respond. Just make sure she understands that it is your preference and your doctors recommendation that baby not be around unvaccinated people of ANY age until after 12 months.

Not as in a "hey look out baby! She was __ lbs, get vaccinated!" But as a side note or a Facebook post/text to anyone coming to visit as in a "we're requesting anyone who's coming to visit makes sure they're updated on all vaccines as our lo is too young to get them and is at higher risk for illness"

bennikki · September 2014

sagegoodenough said:

How anti vax is she? If she knows your baby will be vaccinated, she might not want to be around you anyway due to "shedding" (which is apparently something ) Maybe put in a birth announcement letter that you require anyone coming to visit the baby to be fully updated on all vaccinations, that way it's not specifically calling her out but at the same time, informing everyone that you don't want any unvaccinated people around the baby which is a good thing to do anyway with the outbreaks going around now and the risk of pertussis.

We didn't put anything like this on the birth announcement, but we made it clear to anyone planning on visiting or stopping by that they had to have flu shots and be up to date on pertussis (we were operating under the assumption that if you kept up to date on those shots, chances are pretty good that you are vaccinated as well).

DS was born in January when the flu was at its height that year. The hospital actually had signs up asking people to refrain from visiting if possible, and there was a pertussis outbreak in our state a few months before he was born. It was a no-brainer for DH and I, and we didn't have anyone put up a fuss. All of my friends vaccinate, but not everyone gets a flu shot, and those people were more than understanding. No one wants to be the one who got the newborn sick. DH has a cousin who follows a delayed vaccination schedule, and she lets new moms know up front and has no problem keeping her kids away until they're fully vaccinated. She's pretty go with the flow, and not anti-vax, just a delayed schedule.

If she believes that strongly about no vaccinations, then she should be able to back it up with her actions (i.e. keeping the kids separate). Like others have said, some people are so "educated" brainwashed about anti-vaccination propaganda that they really shouldn't want their child around vaccinated children because it puts their kids at risk.

griffers · September 2014

I have this exact same problem. I don't see her or her kids all that often due to both of us being really busy, but I'm dreading having to maybe have this convo with her.

sagegoodenough · September 2014

bennikki said:

sagegoodenough said:

How anti vax is she? If she knows your baby will be vaccinated, she might not want to be around you anyway due to "shedding" (which is apparently something )

Maybe put in a birth announcement letter that you require anyone coming to visit the baby to be fully updated on all vaccinations, that way it's not specifically calling her out but at the same time, informing everyone that you don't want any unvaccinated people around the baby which is a good thing to do anyway with the outbreaks going around now and the risk of pertussis.

We didn't put anything like this on the birth announcement, but we made it clear to anyone planning on visiting or stopping by that they had to have flu shots and be up to date on pertussis (we were operating under the assumption that if you kept up to date on those shots, chances are pretty good that you are vaccinated as well).

DS was born in January when the flu was at its height that year. The hospital actually had signs up asking people to refrain from visiting if possible, and there was a pertussis outbreak in our state a few months before he was born. It was a no-brainer for DH and I, and we didn't have anyone put up a fuss. All of my friends vaccinate, but not everyone gets a flu shot, and those people were more than understanding. No one wants to be the one who got the newborn sick. DH has a cousin who follows a delayed vaccination schedule, and she lets new moms know up front and has no problem keeping her kids away until they're fully vaccinated. She's pretty go with the flow, and not anti-vax, just a delayed schedule.

If she believes that strongly about no vaccinations, then she should be able to back it up with her actions (i.e. keeping the kids separate). Like others have said, some people are so "educated" brainwashed about anti-vaccination propaganda that they really shouldn't want their child around vaccinated children because it puts
their kids at risk.

Exactly. I just got over a really bad case of pneumonia and my immune system is shot already so on top of making sure everyone is up to date for baby's health, I have to make sure they can't get me sick too

trisharenee0316 · September 2014

There's really two different issues here. One is being around this family at all, and the other is having your kids play with her kids. As for the first, I think it shouldn't be an issue to have your kid around the family if you have them stay away when feeling ill or displaying symptoms of illness. And if you plan to babywear, it's an easy way to keep your baby away from petri dish-like hands.

On the other hand, I would agree with you about your baby playing with her kids. Babies put SO MUCH STUFF into their mouths that I would be afraid that my kid would get really sick. Understandable that you would want to limit that kind of exposure--hell, we are eliminating potential preschools from our list for our DD based on if the vaccination rate is too low, and she'll be 2.5 years old then.

Lindzoid · September 2014

I'm in this same predicament. Only my friend is also family. I plan on being honest and not allowing baby near her children. She knows I am pro vax and she is very vocal about being antivax so there is a clear line. As for when we are at events together (inevitable being family) I plan on wearing baby and not letting anyone hold him or her. Plus it will be cold and flu season for a while and I feel safer that way. Bottom line is you need to do what's right for your beliefs and your baby. Be honest with her and let her know that it's ok to disagree on a subject and you don't want to hurt your friendship. A true friend will understand.

futuremrsnjoroge · September 2014

crawford411 said:

I am torn on this. Obviously, you want to keep your baby safe. But if you're planning to keep your child away from everyone who is unvaccinated, then you pretty much won't be taking your child out in public from August-April every year. I can understand not exposing your child to unnecessary risks, but I think that you're not going to be able to prevent exposures completely.

[...]

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation because almost everyone I know gets their vaccines regularly, but I'm not sure I would keep friends and family away. Probably a UO, but I'm clearly not winning mother of the year.

ETA, clarity.

Yeah, I think you're zeroing in on this family because you know them... but is your friend's baby sickly? Unless s/he is known for catching diseases from a group of other unvaccinated kids, I don't really see the issue. What are you afraid of your friend's baby spreading? There are going to be plenty of babies who you all encounter who are either anti-vaccinations or on a more relaxed vaccination schedule than you.

If your doctor has assisted you in zeroing in on your friend, has your doc also mentioned the dangers of herpes exposure which is far more likely a risk to your baby - from the adults in your kid's life? If not, I again don't understand why something that is so unlikely to be a health concern was cosigned by your pediatrician, as HSV exposure is faaaar more likely and can make your baby really, really ill.

It all just sounds like selective concern to me...

Dubsgirlie · September 2014

I understand that you can't knowingly avoid everyone who is unvaccinated, but I'm with OP (and many others) in that I could never KNOWINGLY put my child in harms way by allowing them around unvaccinated individuals.

melszum · September 2014

This makes me wonder how many people your baby will be exposed to the first year that are not vaccinated and you wouldn't even know it. I understand with your friend you know and your child would be in close proximity to theirs but I am thinking back to all the public place we took DS during his first year and all my friends that have children whom I don't know if they are vaccinated or not. I think it's impossible to avoid exposure but the reason you are getting your child vaccinated is so they will not contract something. The people who don't get their child vaccinated are the ones that have to worry.

MsMacual · September 2014

I'd be honest with her if it is something you are 100% not comfortable with. It also is very possible that you'll both become super busy with your LOs and won't get together until they are much bigger. I'd suggest a trip to the zoo or something else where you could baby wear or have your LO ride in a stroller so they are "together" but not actually able to touch each other. For me, it is scary to know that someone else would put their kid and other kids in danger, but I also think there are a few other factors at play to consider. Our son was not an a delayed vax schedule and didn't finish receiving all of his vaxes until he was 2 so I'm a little unclear as to why your ped said 1 when some of the most important ones are given between 12-24 mo. Perhaps she will realize that she does want to vax and go with a delayed schedule- I've never asked any of my friends if they were vaccinating and what schedule they were using so it is possible that you won't know that she changed her mind. Will her child (and older kids if she has more than one) be in a group setting like daycare? A child who is home with mom or dad most of the time won't have nearly as many opportunities to be exposed as one who is going to daycare every day. Finally, it is very possible that there will be non vax kids around you without your knowledge. We have one at our daycare (and our DCP told us even though she probably shouldn't have due to HIPPA). I'm fairly certain that there was at least one non vax kid at our old daycare and we just didn't know about it. I have several friends who also have a non vax kid or multiple non vax kids at their daycare. Not a set of parenting decisions I support, but unfortunately people are misinformed and have zero regard for heard immunity. Our plan with our younger son is to make sure he's vax on schedule.

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