Inlaws strike again

kerbear135 · September 2014

It's been almost 9 months since my in-laws caused drama, so it was overdue. They called DH a couple of weeks ago and asked if they p/up DD on Thurs and keep her until Sat. We had a birthday party planned for DH on Sat at 5 and they knew when it was and said they'd be there but don't worry about feeding them. We called them Fri around lunch to check on DD (she's never been away that long) and they didn't answer their phone nor did they call us back. We tried calling again Sat, no answer. 5pm rolls around and all the guests show up, but they are not there. We waited until 7 and then started calling them because we started to get worried...no answer at home and their cell was off. 8pm rolls around, and but that time, I am freaking out..I haven't heard from them since Thurs morning and they have my kid..I have my parents drive past their house, and they aren't home and we have no idea where they were going or if they're even ok. Finally, they showed up at about 8:30. I was livid so I made DH go out and talk to them, and he said they didn't seem to understand why we'd be upset....

Yesterday, DH calls them to discuss what happened and to let them know that we want them to keep their cell phone on them and turned on whenever they have DD so we can get in touch with them....DH tries to nonchalantly ask where they had been, and it turns out they took DD to the zoo. Maybe I'm being irrational but I am really, really upset about this. DD had never been to the zoo before, and they stole that first from me....I will never, ever get to experience her first time at the zoo and I come unglued even thinking about it. I feel like they purposely didn't tell us/ask us in advance, and they had to be asked before we even found out where they took her. I don't know how to move past being upset about this- DH wants to talk to them but I can't stay calm enough to do so...they cheated me out of something I can never, ever get back and I feel like they did it on purpose. Even if they didn't, his Mom should have known better- I'm sure she would have freaked out if her inlaws had done that with DH was small. Furthermore, talking to them about it is liable to end up in them getting all indignant and not speaking to us again for an indeterminate amount of time...

So basically my options are suck it up and get over it (which, I don't even know how to do) and risk them doing it again, or talk to them and risk making things bad for DD and DH as well as myself (because the relationship with them is so...unstable, and DH has always made it clear that in that house, his mother is NEVER wrong). Am I being totally ridiculous about this? I don't know how to move forward with this because I feel like both of my options ticking time bombs that are liable to create a bigger issue.

kerbear135 · September 2014

There was a time we didn't speak to them (around this time last year through the early part of this year), but ultimately, I feel like it's not my call on whether to cut ties- they are DH's parents and he has a very hard time not having them in his life. DH is upset (mostly because I am), but he feels like I do- there really isn't a good answer or a good solution- he doesn't do well with confrontation (cause remember, in his house it was "what momma says goes" and he knew better than to question her) and so he has a hard time standing up to them because he was taught the exact opposite for 23+ years of his life. I can't stand up to them because a) they refuse to acknowledge any sort of problem in front of me, b) I'll end up saying something that will make things worse for DD and DH and c) as of right now, I get choked up just thinking about everything that went down last weekend and crying in front of them would only make me look weak.

JessAnnJ · September 2014

I agree that it's not up to you to just cut ties, but I personally would not let them take DD anywhere until they had proven they are responsible. They failed on so many levels. They can see her but it definitely doesn't have to be overnight or without you or DH around. I think DH needs to man up and talk to them about what they did wrong. If it were me I would calmly explain that if he wants me to ever feel comfortable about his parents ever being alone with DD again he's going to have to deal with the problem. I would also explain that me dealing with it is going to be much worse because I am going to explain exactly how I feel and I'm not sure I will be able to remain calm while doing so.

SingleMom31 · September 2014

I *might* be able to get past taking her to the zoo, but there is no way that I could get past them not answering their phone for two days while watching her. I would have freaked out way more... Like calling police bad.

If it were me, I'd tell them how upset you are now. But moreover, there's no way that I'd let them take her again. That's probably how I'd get it through to them actually -- next time they ask, I'd simply say that you're not comfortable after this last time and not being able to reach them. If his mom is used to getting her way, I'm sure being told there are consequences to her behavior will be punishment enough.

jsoubel · September 2014

First, I'm sorry that you had to endure not knowing where your child was. Like pp's said, never again. Not if they promised to pick up the phone, just never again. I cannot fathom any decent mother doing that to another mother. And I'm sorry about the zoo, too. Even if MIL doesn't feel the same as you do, she still should apologize or of respect for your parental prerogative.

jac409 · September 2014

I agree with everyone else. I would never let them take her alone again after not answering the phone for two days. How does anyone actually think that is acceptable? If DH won't man up and talk to them, I would. The zoo thing I could probably get over, but not the no contact thing. Absolutely unacceptable. If you feel like you can't talk to them calmly now, and who could blame you, wait until the next time they ask to have her and then give them you reasons for saying no.

kerbear135 · September 2014

DH did confront them when they dropped her off finally...their story is that they don't carry their cell (so why pay for it?) and that they told us they didn't know what time they'd make the party...they see absolutely NO problem with what happened, and yet, when DH first started driving, they took his car away because he didn't call when he got to work one day...

As for never watching her again, while that is my knee-jerk reaction, I am inclined to give them another chance for DH and DD's sake. They have agreed to keep their cell phone on them next time and DH and I have agreed we will set a concrete pick up time with them before we ever drop her off (and I also plan on having DH call them a couple of times to make sure they have their cell on, though I haven't told him that yet)...I will give them ONE more chance but DH knows that I mean ONE more chance. I know they don't deserve it, but if I put myself in DH's shoes, I can understand how torn he feels about the way they've been since DD was born.

JessAnnJ, I pretty much said that exactly when DH told me he wasn't upset at them taking her to the zoo and if I was, I needed to tell them so.

SingleMom31, she is used to getting her way..taking DD away from them wouldn't be seen as punishment, it would be seen as me being an irrational, controlled b#tch and it would be solely blamed on me even if DH told them it was his idea. They would just see it as another excuse to tell DH what a failure he is since he won't "put his foot down" (their words in the past) and tell me how things are..nothing is EVER their fault. Telling them how upset *I* am won't matter b/c they don't give a rats ass about my feelings...I'm just around because they can't see their son our granddaugther without me coming around sometimes too

bloomraiser , they had about 45 more mins before I called the cops...DH was actually behind that because he was as worried as I was..it would have created a huge drama, but at that point, neither one of us cared.

jac409, the problem is, they won't ask me...they don't have contact with me unless they can't get a hold of their son and they feel it's emergent enough to call me...or if his dad wants something in regards to DD (he texted me asking me to pack a long sleeve shirt and pants because it's been cool here in the mornings and they don't have anything for cool weather that still fits her). Furthermore, they refuse to acknowledge any sort of conflict when i'm around...when they want to pick a fight, they wait till DH is there without me, or email him...

Thanks for the support everyone- it's good to know I'm not crazy and/or overreacting...I really hate that these people continue to act like this when they are grown a$$ adults and should know better...and I hate that they seem to purposely put DH in a place where he feels stuck between them and me...but I don't want to do anything that would make DH resent ME because I feel like driving a wedge between us is their ultimate goal, so I can't react the way I would with any other person who acted the way they do.

JessAnnJ · September 2014

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You really should not be put in this position. You seem to be feeling better and I'm glad. You should plan to take DD to the zoo soon if you can. I think that might help you feel even better. The thing about the zoo is that it is always a little different. I bet your DD will have an amazing time looking at the animals with mommy.

LittleFish1 · September 2014

Definitly wouls be far more upset over not know where they are / of everyone is ok as opposed to the zoo. There are many more firsts you'll get to do with LO.in the future.

Given their lack of respect, if they want to visit, they can do so, at a prearrange a destination & time. If they don't show, go about business as usual and then go home without seeing them. But under no circumstances woud I let them have LO solo. ever again. (unless they in their own realize what a shitty thing they did, apologize & shape up ... you know, if he!! freezes over, when pigs fly, etc.)

kerbear135 · September 2014

DH talked to them last night (again) and told them that if they were going to take her somewhere she might not have been before, to please ask us because we might want to go too. His Dad said ok, his Mom just gave him a pouty look and didn't say anything (which to me, speaks volumes about her intentions). In a little bit of poetic justice, apparently DD didn't really seem to care for the zoo- she liked a couple of animals but was uninterested or scared of most of them. I'm not happy she was scared, but at least they didn't have some magical fantastic time either.

Beth.1212 · September 2014

I was going to say that DD may not have been enchanted with the zoo. The first time we took our DS, he really wasn't that into it. I'd be mildly annoyed that they took that first from you, but that's the kind of thing that I'd just let go, personally.

I agree with PP. The no contact thing is HUGE. I think it's very generous of you to give them one more chance with explicit instructions of what they need to do. I hope that your DH is fully on board with taking their solo-time-with-DD away if they screw up like that again.

I hate to say it, but I think that your DH needs to be the one to set them straight, and I'm not sure that your ILs will ever really change if he doesn't. Every time they badmouth you for a decision that you two make together, DH should be defending you and making it clear that it's not acceptable for them to speak that way of you. They need to know that you are partners and that he couldn't "put his foot down" because he has no authority over you. It sounds like that'll be really hard to make happen, and that it could harm your relationship with DH if you try to force him into that role. Maybe just be his touchstone with reality - he can hear from you that their behavior and attitudes seem really odd, and that since you're partners they have a weird skewed view of how your relationship works. Maybe he'll eventually echo that back to the 'rents. I wish I had better advice for you!

kerbear135 · September 2014

Beth.1212 said:

I was going to say that DD may not have been enchanted with the zoo. The first time we took our DS, he really wasn't that into it. I'd be mildly annoyed that they took that first from you, but that's the kind of thing that I'd just let go, personally.

I agree with PP. The no contact thing is HUGE. I think it's very generous of you to give them one more chance with explicit instructions of what they need to do. I hope that your DH is fully on board with taking their solo-time-with-DD away if they screw up like that again.

I hate to say it, but I think that your DH needs to be the one to set them straight, and I'm not sure that your ILs will ever really change if he doesn't. Every time they badmouth you for a decision that you two make together, DH should be defending you and making it clear that it's not acceptable for them to speak that way of you. They need to know that you are partners and that he couldn't "put his foot down" because he has no authority over you. It sounds like that'll be really hard to make happen, and that it could harm your relationship with DH if you try to force him into that role. Maybe just be his touchstone with reality - he can hear from you that their behavior and attitudes seem really odd, and that since you're partners they have a weird skewed view of how your relationship works. Maybe he'll eventually echo that back to the 'rents. I wish I had better advice for you!

Thanks. The way his parents operate, his mom rules the roost and everyone else in the family does what she says...so the fact that DH and I have a relationship where we are equals instead of me being his boss is foreign to them...when WE make a decision they don't like, they prefer to blame me rather than admit that their son has grown a pair and learned to think for himself. DH is the one who deals with them when there are issues like I deal with mine when we have issue with them...and he has told them time and again that WE discuss issues and come up with a plan we both agree on, that I don't tell him what to do, but they still don't believe it. They aren't going to change regardless- they are who they are and there's not much we can do about it...all we can do is ask that they follow some guidelines in regards to what they do when my child is in their care and hope they listen instead of creating more drama.

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