STM+ - Is having your mom or MIL stay with you helpful after delivery?

mockingjay1 · September 2014

My mom and MIL both want to take off work to stay with us and help out when the baby comes (at different times). I've told both of them I will let them know, but I'm really not sure about it right now. For you second + time moms - is it nice to have the extra help? We live in a two bedroom apartment, so we don't have a spare place for guests to stay. We also only have one bathroom. I feel like I will just want to be alone with DH and baby, especially in a smaller space (not multiple levels to get a break from my mom or MIL). I know they mean well, but I'm just not feeling it. When the time comes, will I want the extra help (in your experience)?

FTMs feel free to chime in on what your plans are. Thanks, ladies!

Jatpa003 · September 2014

I am feeling the same way as you right now, not sure if I want them here right away. But I would love to hear others experiences!

ccam · September 2014

My mom stayed with us for about a week after DS was born. At that point, we were in very close quarters. We were building a house and living in a super small temporary apartment so it made it extra tight. She came the week after DH went to work so it was kind of perfect timing! I lost it when he left to go back to work for the first time, but then my mom showed up and it helped a ton! She food shopped, cooked, made me take naps, we went for walks, she brought me to my Dr appointments... it was really helpful! But I can also tell her - ok, Mom, give me a second or I need a little space. She's not the kind of person who would look at a visit like that as a vacation - she was there to help me as I got to know DS.

My MIL, on the other hand, I would have killed her.

ETA: My mom coming after DH went back to work gave us time to be a family of 3 for a little while.

Maelara · September 2014

Last time my mom and DH took time off but I ended up with a csection so my mom taking time off was sort of in vein. So this time, we are having my DH take 2 weeks off and THEN my mom is going to be over daily to help. It's also nice to have a bit of time to bond as a new family and get to know each other before the moms come and help

Luckily she lives in town so we don't have to worry about accommodating her.

venussapphire · September 2014

I would prefer to be alone with DH. You need to get into a new routine and bond as a family.

wildflower75 · September 2014

I absolutely LOVED my mother staying with us for the first two weeks and my grandmother stayed with us for a month! As a FTM it made me much more confident having someone there that I could ask random questions and also who could help with stuff around the house (cooking , cleaning getting last minute nursery things together (my baby was 2 weeks early). Also since my husband couldn't take a ton of time off work it was nice just having someone there to chat with and watch shows with (otherwise I might have gone stir crazy in the dead of winter, too cold to go out with a newborn) . And I never had to freak out about taking a nap or a shower.
I'm actually counting down the days for my mother and grandmother to get here for this birth!! I can't wait!

Bandia12 · September 2014

At first I really didn't think I wanted anyone to come over to help us. I thought there wouldn't be room or that it just wouldn't be necessary etc. Our first night home we couldn't get my son to stop crying. I called my mom around midnight and she came over and stayed the night. The next 3 days my SIL stayed with me during the day. It was so helpful I can't even express how essential it felt. The fact that I had a c-section and early/severe PPD only made it that much more invaluable really.

This go around my husband will take a few days off once we're home, then after he goes back to work my mom will do the same.

I say take all the help your support (family/friends) are willing to give!! You can always kick people out if it gets to be too much

, but it's nice to have the help imho.

missnacholover · September 2014

For me, having either my mom or MIL there would just stress me out. So it's not worth it to me. Maybe if our relationships were different, but even then I think I'd only want visitors for a few days as DH and I like our privacy.

mb314 · September 2014

It depends upon your relationship with your mother/MIL. We didn't have anyone stay with us when DS was born, and we got along just fine. I breastfed, so no one was going to be able to get up in the middle of the night for me - I was still going to have to do it. My mom isn't the type to cook and clean for me, so she wasn't going to be helpful in that sense - she really just wanted to hold the baby, which is helpful, but not exactly the help you need. Also, DH works from home so once his week of paternity leave was up, he was still around if I needed him for 5 or 10 minutes.

My MIL is more helpful in terms of cooking and cleaning, but she didn't breast feed and didn't understand breastfeeding and that made it harder when she did visit (but she didn't stay with us). I liked having her around.

This time around, I'm not sure if my parents or IL's will come and stay with us - they haven't said. In any case, I will need them to help me with DS1 (who is 2 years old) vs with the newborn.

cindyNmark2010 · September 2014

missnacholover said:

For me, having either my mom or MIL there would just stress me out. So it's not worth it to me. Maybe if our relationships were different, but even then I think I'd only want visitors for a few days as DH and I like our privacy.

All of this.....We like our privacy too and there will be plenty of time for them all to see LO with the holidays right around the corner.

soulcupcake · September 2014

I stayed with my mom for three weeks after having my first. My ex-husband was deployed at the time, and the company and support were a big help.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my MIL staying over, but my mom may be in town visiting during that time, and she may want to stay for a short period of time.

aries21 · September 2014

I hated MIL over to help and I wanted to bond with my child and be just us as a familt
Howver dont say no yet - you dont know how you will feel and how baby will
Be and how recovery will be. Try it on your own at first and then have them
Come
If needed but it just wasnt for me no matter how hard.

mrsodonnell12 · September 2014

Extra help is huge in those first few weeks while you get adjusted. It really depends on what your mom and mil had it mind though. Staying with you and expecting to hold baby the whole time isn't helpful. If they plan to stay with you and help with housework and errands then I say go for it. It also depends how it makes you feel. Are you OK letting go and not hosting while they are there? If not, don't do it! You have enough to adjust to plus healing you don't need to add hosting relatives into the mix.

missnacholover · September 2014

mb314 said:

It depends upon your relationship with your mother/MIL. We didn't have anyone stay with us when DS was born, and we got along just fine. I breastfed, so no one was going to be able to get up in the middle of the night for me - I was still going to have to do it. My mom isn't the type to cook and clean for me, so she wasn't going to be helpful in that sense - she really just wanted to hold the baby, which is helpful, but not exactly the help you need. Also, DH works from home so once his week of paternity leave was up, he was still around if I needed him for 5 or 10 minutes.

My MIL is more helpful in terms of cooking and cleaning, but she didn't breast feed and didn't understand breastfeeding and that made it harder when she did visit (but she didn't stay with us). I liked having her around.

This time around, I'm not sure if my parents or IL's will come and stay with us - they haven't said. In any case, I will need them to help me with DS1 (who is 2 years old) vs with the newborn.

We have the same mom and MIL, haha. My mom/parents tend to sit around and expect to be waited on so I know they would just get in the way. MIL would probably cook/clean a lot but probably wouldn't understand a lot of the "baby" (Esp. breastfeeding) stuff.

Maybeyesmaybeno · September 2014

ccam said:

My mom stayed with us for about a week after DS was born. At that point, we were in very close quarters. We were building a house and living in a super small temporary apartment so it made it extra tight. She came the week after DH went to work so it was kind of perfect timing! I lost it when he left to go back to work for the first time, but then my mom showed up and it helped a ton! She food shopped, cooked, made me take naps, we went for walks, she brought me to my Dr appointments... it was really helpful! But I can also tell her - ok, Mom, give me a second or I need a little space. She's not the kind of person who would look at a visit like that as a vacation - she was there to help me as I got to know DS.
My MIL, on the other hand, I would have killed her.
ETA: My mom coming after DH went back to work gave us time to be a family of 3 for a little while.

This. Exactly.

I'm a FTM, so I don't have a prior experience to rely on, but all of my girlfriends have said "don't be an idiot, have your mom come". Quickly followed up by "as long as you can tell her when enough's enough and you need your space". To each their own though, we have a guest room that helpful souls can stay in. I know if it came to though, my mom would sleep on the floor if it meant she could help me. I'm lucky to have a mom that would do ANYTHING for me (who lives 3 hours away) and will not take it personally when I need space. My MIL (who lives 15 minutes away) on the other hand would park it on the couch with her biggest worry being what to do if her glass of chardonnay became empty.

meeshybee · September 2014

venussapphire said:

I would prefer to be alone with DH. You need to get into a new routine and bond as a family.

This.

Both our families live in town but, aside from volunteering to watch the kids for us the first night home with DD2, they let us have some time as a family to get used to each other. I really really appreciated it.

wallygirl · September 2014

The plan with DD was for DH to be home a week then for my mom to help for a week (she didn't stay over since she lives 10 min away) then MIL for a week. DD ended up in the NICU so DH time off was used there. Both my mom and MIL still came. My mom is super helpful and will do whatever needs to be done. My MIL will but she has to be asked which makes me super uncomfortable.
I guess the plan is similar this time though we haven't talked about it except for DH taking off a week. I'm not really sure I'll need help after the first week or two but I don't want anyone feeling left out.

NunyaBennis · September 2014

It's interesting to get a glimpse of family dynamics. FTM here, but I am appreciating the insight (even though my hesitations have been more or less sustained).

It seems to have been confirmed that The Moms will still be The Moms no matter what... mine will need precise direction regarding how to best help us, and while she'll want to anything & everything possible, she just can't physically do a lot of the housework which is what I'll most likely need the most help with... so in short: will hold the baby. MIL will not even think about offering help in any way other than just to hold the baby (until a diaper change is required) while watching TV & having someone keep her drink cold.

Luckily, having either side of the family stay with us for more than a night is out of the question. While we have a guest room, they all live close enough that overnights are not warranted. My parents have no problem staying a couple of hours and leaving, and my husband has no problem asking the same of his parents if needed.

mockingjay1 · September 2014

Thanks, everyone! I think we'll see how I feel after he is born. DH will get at least 1 week off (if not longer), so I'd wait until he went back to work before having the moms come anyway. Maybe after a week or two, I will be begging for their help. Who knows?

MalachiteDrake · September 2014

Ditto here with @danigirl830 - my mom lives with us, but she's retired. She's also fairly OCD so she already does the majority of the cleaning (lucky me!). We've talked about division of labor and such once the baby comes, mostly because she gets tired much easier than she used to. In the end, she's generally up for any non-baby-watching stuff (getting groceries, keeping the house cleaned up, do a load of laundry each day), and my job will be to keep Boo as happy as possible and try not to go insane from lack of sleep.

I don't know if my MIL will be coming down once the baby is born or not. We have extra rooms to put her up in if she does (she lives about 2.5 hrs away), and I know she won't expect to be entertained. She's also a gamer and huge nerd (like everyone in the family but my parents!), so if she comes up she might just cart her computer with her as well to stay entertained when there's not much else to do. I have a feeling she'll come up for a few days right after Boo is born and then probably do one or two day visits when she feels like driving after that.

I also have two close friends that both love babies and have both been roommates with me at one point or another. They'll likely be over several times a week each for baby time and helping out.

Oh, and my husband won't be taking time off since I've got a huge pile of help already and he wants to save his vacation time for the two events he does each year. Hrm, reading that it sounds kinda callous, but it's not. We have an odd marriage and I'd rather he have his two trips a year than stay home right after Boo is born.

schrijiver · September 2014

I don't have to worry about an MIL. Even if the baby's father's mother was involved, she's pretty much house bound after being diagnosed with Huntington's earlier this year (which is a whole other worry for another day because LO has a chance of inheriting it). She has a very difficult time speaking, walking, and overall controlling her movements and has to have full time care.

The plan is to have my mom here for at least two weeks. She's here now helping out while I recover from the blood clot. But she's awesome in that she knows how I keep house and what I expect. She cleans, does laundry, and all sorts of chores. She knows when to get out of my way and has no problem with me saying I need space. She gets it and it doesn't hurt her feelings. She doesn't expect to be entertained. So it will be a huge help to have her here. If she wasn't like that then, I don't know what I would do. I don't want to have to take care of someone else while I'm trying to get used to the whole motherhood taking care of a newborn thing.

Do what makes you feel comfortable. It depends on the family dynamic. Help is always great but you also don't want extra worry on your plate.

ETA: posted before I finished typing

Sarahbeth612 · September 2014

@dmo1371‌ our apartment setup was much like yours when I had DD. There were a couple of nights in the early days my mother spent the night in the nursery, brought her air mattress, took the middle of the night duty, and went home in the morning. She lives in town so it was easy for her and she wanted to do it. Unfortunately I don't think she can this time around, but words can't describe how good it was for both DH and I to have a full night sleep with a newborn!

If its an option, I'd at least ask one of them to come over for an afternoon so you could nap, shower, whatever.

mockingjay1 · September 2014

Both moms live 2ish hours away, so I know they'd stay for more than a day. Maybe after the first week or two having them come for a couple-few days to start would be helpful. DH and I will have to think about this. Thanks for all the great advice!

AnnieRoo13 · September 2014

It's very interesting to see all the differing opinions on this!

DH's family all lives in town so they will be able to come over as much as we need them, which I'm very thankful for. MIL will be a huge help and do whatever I need her to and I don't mind asking her to do laundry or whatever. SIL has also offered to come help and I'm excited for that.

My aunt will likely come and help too, but she can get on my nerves sometimes so I am going to have to limit her visits a bit. I love her to bits but she can be somewhat...grating at times. My dad and stepmom are also planning to come (they live in a different province) but I'm not sure when or for how long. Also, we don't really have a spare room for them to stay in, so it will have to be a hotel.

If my mom was alive she'd be here in a New York minute. I'm not sure how helpful she would have been, but she would have been overjoyed.

silverwings72 · September 2014

@MalachiteDrake‌ - your MIL sounds awesome! Lol
This thread has definitely got me thinking.
My mother, sister, and MIL have all offered to help. All three want to be here when LO is born but I just don't see how that is really realistic. I definitely want my mom there with me for labor and delivery, but I'm still kind of iffy on how to organize with MIL and sister. (My labor and delivery will not turn into a three ring circus!)
I'm thinking we will have MIL come for the delivery (not be in the room when I push, though) and then have her come visit with us in about two weeks.
My mom is more flexible and easier for me to "manage." I'm much more comfortable with her and I will definitely be visiting with her after DH goes back to work.
My goal is to set up a plan before baby arrives so everyone knows and no one's feelings are hurt. I need to get my shit together and figure this stuff out ASAP!

ElinJ · September 2014

Forgive me as I'm responding without reading others' responses first…

I do not have a MIL as she is passed away. Therefore, when I was due with my first the only one that would come to help would by my mother. I love her dearly and she's a great mom, however… she can frustrate & annoy the HECK out of me, and I can often get very short tempered and snap at her. I really wanted "private" family time after the birth, but I didn't know if I could say no to my mother coming down as this was her first grandchild!

In the end, here's what we did. (FYI: my parents live 2 hours away.) She came to visit when my son was born, but wasn't able to make it in time until after the birth. She spent the nights at our house, but of course spent a lot of time at the hospital in the day time. She really helped out with taking care of our dog during my hospital stay. She spent the night at our house our first night home, for a total of a 3 night stay I think. It may have been 4 but I can't remember exactly. Then she went back to her house. My son was born on a Monday, and my husband took a full 2 weeks off. I had already planned for my mother to come back for a couple more nights when my husband went back to work. My husband works an odd shift, leaving for work in the middle of the night. She was really helpful in that transition period. I still remember being stressed out the first morning I had to walk the dog ALL BY MYSELF + BABY. (Sounds crazy to think of now…)

I think she had all these plans of taking care of the baby while we/I rested, but honestly due to my *ahem* controlling personality, and the fact that I was breastfeeding, it was more like she was taking care of me, my husband, and our dog; so that my husband & I could focus on the baby. She did make us dinner a lot, and doing grocery/errands. There weren't a lot of times I was just like "here watch him while I…" except when I had to take my car in for emissions inspections when my son was 2 weeks old! It was literally the first time I left the house without my son! I was only gone 45 min, so he was fine, but she finally got to have her "grandmother" moment.

This time around will likely be very similar, only we'll DEFINITELY need her here earlier. (Not her fault she didn't make it down for the first birth, we only called her about 2 hours before my son was born!) We will need her to take care of DS, whether it's if I go to hospital in wee hours and she's here when my son wakes up, or if I go into labor while my son is at daycare & my mother picks him up, etc. I'd likely want her to stay an additional 1-2 nights when we get home, then she leaves, and comes back when my husband goes back to work. We just found out that due to a change in ownership by my husband's company, the new management offers ZERO paternity leave. So we're not yet sure how much time my husband will take off. Maybe only a week this time.

ebalkits · September 2014

I really wished my mother or MIL could've helped more with my first, but it just wasn't an option for either of them. It was so tough when my husband went back to work. My daughter had severe reflux and it took a while to get her on the right meds and schedule. She was a horrible napper and would cry all day because she was in pain. Even though this move is really difficult right now, I can't wait to be close to my mom so she can help out with my older daughter and the new baby. I agree with others that maybe you can request they come after your husband goes back to work as that is when you'll probably need the most help.

SarahHeck · September 2014

I think it really all depends on your circumstances if they would be helpful or not.

My MIL was super helpful. She made us food, cleaned the house, did our laundry and helped us move! We weren't home because my daughter was in the NICU so she wasn't stepping on our toes or anything. It was nice having her take over our chores so we could spend more time together as a little family.

My mom, however, irritated the crap outta me! To be fair, she was going through menopause at the time and was uber hormonal herself. She was such a drama queen about my daughter being in the NICU and how hard it was on her and she would use my daughter to get sympathy and attention from her friends. It was annoying. I was pissed at her.

carcrashheart · September 2014

we were living OOT, so nobody stayed with us. i wouldn't have wanted anyone to anyways. first of all, the first 1-2 weeks are the easiest because baby is still mostly sleeping and unaware that they are not going back in to the cozy womb. i remember thinking at the end of week one that parenting was a breeze. those first few weeks all we wanted to do was sit and hold DS and not be bothered. i can't imagine having someone stay with us 24/7, or even be around a ton. i am not a fan of people not figuring out how to parent on their own and leaving needing help to when it is asked for. i don't know why. i just feel like so much of parenting is instinct and trial and error and that you learn by doing it yourself, not by watching.

missnacholover · September 2014

carcrashheart said:

we were living OOT, so nobody stayed with us. i wouldn't have wanted anyone to anyways. first of all, the first 1-2 weeks are the easiest because baby is still mostly sleeping and unaware that they are not going back in to the cozy womb. i remember thinking at the end of week one that parenting was a breeze. those first few weeks all we wanted to do was sit and hold DS and not be bothered. i can't imagine having someone stay with us 24/7, or even be around a ton. i am not a fan of people not figuring out how to parent on their own and leaving needing help to when it is asked for. i don't know why. i just feel like so much of parenting is instinct and trial and error and that you learn by doing it yourself, not by watching.

I'm pretty sure that people who have an extra set of hands those first few weeks still figure out how to parent.

Maelara · September 2014

missnacholover said:

carcrashheart said:

we were living OOT, so nobody stayed with us. i wouldn't have wanted anyone to anyways. first of all, the first 1-2 weeks are the easiest because baby is still mostly sleeping and unaware that they are not going back in to the cozy womb. i remember thinking at the end of week one that parenting was a breeze. those first few weeks all we wanted to do was sit and hold DS and not be bothered. i can't imagine having someone stay with us 24/7, or even be around a ton. i am not a fan of people not figuring out how to parent on their own and leaving needing help to when it is asked for. i don't know why. i just feel like so much of parenting is instinct and trial and error and that you learn by doing it yourself, not by watching.

I'm pretty sure that people who have an extra set of hands those first few weeks still figure out how to parent.

Yup. This. I'll have someone with me for 3-4 weeks this time around but I will figure out how to parent two children just fine.

aa98 · September 2014

We have a tiny two bedroom apartment in a city and hotels are really pricy. My mom is 3 hours away by plane and MIL is 3 hours by car so if they visit, they will be staying at the apt. My initial plan was to have my mom come for L&D as DH isn't touchy feely, for example, at the childbirth class he didn't want to try any of the relaxation techniques, it made him uncomfortable. Pfft. I'm pretty strong, but during labor I want someone to hold my hand and rub my back and just take care of me.

Unfortuantely, the logistics would be difficult as my mom will not be able to drive in the city, and we can't be shuttling her around. If I have my dad come too breastfeeding in a small apartment will be awkward. Luckily, DH will take 2 weeks off work starting on my due date (FX for an on time baby). Hopefully he'll be helpful once he bonds with LO.

I am now planning to ask my mom to come after DH goes back to work as she can at least help with the laundry and cooking plus she nannied my nephew for his first year. MIL has TOLD me that she is coming to "help" too, meaning to hold the baby and complain about how small and dirty my apartment is. Of course my FIL will have to drive her here (my mom can jump on a plane and cab it here in 5 minutes) so breastfeeding will be a challenge. At least by the time they come to "help" the baby will be 4 weeks and DH and I will have a routine established by then.

Ed: words

lauren_m · September 2014

Both my mom and my MIL live about 10 minutes away, so they didn't actually stay with us but were around much of the time. I found it to be SO helpful, especially because I had a c-section and was pretty limited. I agree that it was nice to have time to bond as a family without having our extended family present, but that feeling wore off pretty quickly after a few nights of not sleeping.

My mom did stay overnight two or three nights so that I could get some sleep. I should also add that I get along great with both my mom and my MIL and love both of them to death, so I was lucky enough not to have the issues that others might have if those relationships are more complicated. If that were the case, the stress of that may have caused me to make a different decision.

ColtiersMom · September 2014

Yea, you will want the extra help. It would be nice to have someone soothe the baby while you nap during the day, fix you meals, clean up for you, do laundry, run errands:)

arts · September 2014

Personally I really welcome the idea of help after DS is born (due 11/5). My husband will be taking a week off and then my parents come out for a week at thanksgiving and after that my sister for 2 weeks and then my MIL will be here as needed after that. I think that means I will only have a couple days alone. I prefer this because the thought of me alone with an infant makes me want to die mostly cuz I think I'm still to young to be a mom even though I'm not. I don't do well with change and having support around me telling me what to do makes it easier! I understand the small space I live in 800 sq ft house with 1 bathroom, DS room will also be the guest room with a cradle in my room for the first 2 months. I'm sure there will be some high strung moments but all persons involved in this arrangement understand we are doing this for the infant and entertainment will be replaced with relentless chores. I will still bond, but hopefully more naturally since I will have support around me!

angelajo19 · September 2014

We lived overseas when we had DD and my parents came a week after she was born and they stayed for a week. Then my in-laws came and stayed for 10 days about a week after my parents left.

This time it will be very similar. We live halfway across the country this time so no short visits like last time. My parents have booked tickets 4 days after my due date and will stay for a week. My in-laws are coming a week after my parents leave and are staying for 2 weeks (yikes).

Last time I tried to be supermom and cook and clean for everyone. My parents didn't really offer to help out and just sat and held DD the entire time...to the extent DH didn't get to bond with her which was really really hard on him. My in-laws offered to help out around the house, but I didn't take them up on the offer much and was so exhausted after they left.

Because of my experience last time I learned not to do it that way this time. Soooo, if you decide to have her come stay with you please don't do what I did. Make it clear that you want to bond with your baby and she can really help out with things around the house. Because I didn't stand my ground having our parents there so soon after ended up being a hinderance rather than a help...for both DH and myself.

crizz13 · September 2014

FTM here... Really interesting reading everyone's responses.

We live in a 700 sq ft one bedroom apt. My MIL said she would stay on an air mattress in the living room.....um, no!

Our plan is that my parents (who live about 40 mins away) will come for shorter visits and help out when we need them to. My mom will be good about grocery shopping and helping out in a non judgemental way.

My ILs will come up (they live 2.5 hrs away) after the baby is born and stay either in a hotel or with DH's brother who is local. I am hopeful they will be helpful and DH will be able to tell them to leave when we need our space.

luvalways77 · September 2014

My MIL plans to take time off after baby arrives. There is no need for her to stay with us because we have no extra room and she lives less than 10 minutes away. I'm looking forward to it because she likes to cook and tidy up so, not having to worry about that is great. She is a sweet woman, she has her moments, but I'm glad for any help. Also my mom can't take much time off as MIL so MIL makes up for it.

Want a personalized experience?

STM+ - Is having your mom or MIL stay with you helpful after delivery?

Re: STM+ - Is having your mom or MIL stay with you helpful after delivery?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards