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April 2014 Moms
mooncusp22
member
Huge fight with DH
mooncusp22
member
We've had our ups and downs since DD was born, we moved to a town we hate just 3 weeks before she was born, moved here for a job change which he hates...so all that together has been alot on our plate. Things have been getting better and better though and lately we've been both saying we feel closer then ever. We just had a great weekend together until last night....
DH was watching his beloved football and yes, was drinking (was not drunk at all, just had some beers). I spent my time while he watched his team in the bedroom working on stuff & took DD on a nice walk. He seemed to be getting more irritated at me for some reason around dinner- he spent alot of time putting together a nice meal and I ate too much at lunch and wasn't that hungry so he was annoyed because he spent so much time making me a nice dinner. It just all exploded from there...just stupid stuff and then he said "You are acting like a bitch". I got up and said "Nope, you crossed the line, you will not be calling me names". Then he said he didn't call me a name, said I was ACTING and it's different. So, we fought about how he thought it was different & I said it is not. And what matters is that it's hurtful & disrespectful to me. So, back and forth and back and forth.
Out of me hitting my tipping point, I said something that was the ultimate of ultimate hurtful insults in our house. I said "You are ACTING like your father, I am not saying you ARE your father, but you are ACTING like him. Does either way I say that hurt??". He went silent and looked at me in shock. This is a huge insult because his father is beyond a jerk, was abusive to his mom when they were together, has cut DH out of his life, etc etc. I actually made my DH cry. After some more fighting we did sit and try to calmly talk and he said that was the worst thing in the world I could have said to compare him to his father, especially knowing how much I hate his father (he has also said/done things to me over the 8yrs we've been together to break us up). I apologized for going below the belt but said I was just trying to prove a point. Anyway, we talked and nothing got resolved. He apologized for the things he said to me and said he can't forgive me right now & just sees me different. So yes, I got dramatic and told him maybe I should just leave then if he will never forgive me or see me the same.... he said it's going to take time.
Anyway, woke up this morning and our house is just silent. I sit here crying again. I have no energy to go to the gym like I usually do... I wish I had friends here to escape to. DH usually comes home for lunch and he said he won't be coming home today.
BFP: 12/3/15 EDD: 8/11/16 IT'S A BOY!!!
MAXIMUS POWERS 8♥5♥16
MAXIMUS POWERS 8♥5♥16
BFP: 8/5/13 EDD: 4/13/14 IT'S A GIRL!!!
AYLA BLAIR 3♥27♥14
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Huge fight with DH
Maybe your husband not coming home for lunch today is just him taking the time/space he needs. Use the time without him to think about the conversations, what really hurt/went wrong, what needs to be discussed and what's really important to you, that way, tonight (or whenever you talk) you've already thought through the conversation.
This might not be how you work, but it's how I process arguments. I do hate when things aren't resolved so I hope you can talk soon and work through this.
MAXIMUS POWERS 8♥5♥16
My husband and I have been kind of just going through the motions of everyday life and have been short with each other off and on since the baby came. We've moved to a new area, and he's started his career finally (which he loves but has been stressful trying to learn the ropes). He doesn't have as much time to help me with her as he usually does, and I'm learning how to be a SAHM when I'm used to working.
I say all of that to let you know that you're not alone! Moving and a new job is hard enough as it is, and throwing a baby right into the middle of your family dynamic where you have to figure out how to be parents is a lot to take on all at once.
I know y'all talked last night, but maybe in a day or 2 when things have calmed down, y'all can sit down and talk again and have a real, honest conversation. Let him know that y'all need to be there for each other in the midst of all this newness. Remind yourselves that it won't be like this forever, and eventually you'll learn and figure out what your new normal is. Also remind each other of why you're where you are, why you're together and why y'all made a beautiful baby together. Sometimes taking a step back, looking at the big picture and putting things back into perspective when you lost sight of it really helps.
Again, sorry you're so stressed, and I hope you and your husband can work through this and become closer for it. >:D<
Reality is your lives are going through a major adjustment and at a time when you are tired, overwhelmed and your body ( and hormones) are still healing. It's tough on a relationship. You will fight over things you never imagined. There will be days where you will resent your DH so much all you can think about is leaving. This too shall pass.
All you can do is communicate and in the moments when you are most frustrated try to think of the reasons you chose this person to spend the rest of your life with.
And to be honest - I think you know you hit below the belt on this one. Think about how you'd feel in his place. He will forgive you - he's just sad and hurt. I did that once with DH and then after thinking about how I would have reacted had our roles were reversed I haven't gone there again. In retrospect is "being right" or making a point worth causing the person you love pain. Prob not, but it sure feels like it at the time, doesn't it... This isn't judgment - I've been there and I understand.
Don't avoid DH - give him a hug (hugs help a lot!!), tell him all the reasons that you know he is not like his father. Then hear him out and talk through it.
MAXIMUS POWERS 8♥5♥16
Children grow up, move out and away from you. But your spouse and marriage stay.
Whenever DH and I have issues I just think about that. That our relationship comes first. Before careers, children, hobbies, etc.
It took me a while to realize that and become comfortable with it. As a mother I am naturally drawn to my children. But when there's a marital issue or something to discuss, i have to think about my husbands needs first.
Usually it means meeting his needs by giving him space. Which isn't easy for me cause I like to solve a problem right away.
Then when he's ready to talk I either get a sitter and we leave the house, or put the kids to bed early. It's important to talk without distractions, and that includes children. That way we can get everything out, we can talk openly and not have to post pone a conversation or stop in the middle of it.
DD1- 2009, M/C- 2011, M/C- 2012, DD2- 2012, DD3- 2014
My DH has similar feelings about his dad and a comment like that would be way out of line for me. I know he would be trmeendously hurt and it would take him a while to recover from it.
We had some stressful times after our first child was born and there were days when I thought "WTF happened to our marriage?" If you were happy pre-kiddo, then you just have to figure out how to work toward getting back to that place. If it is a matter of waiting until you are in your new city and you can get a job and both feel better overall about life then so be it - at least you have that to look forward to and plan for.
In the meantime, just remember this is a huge adjustment for everyone and you have to forgive each other for not being on your best behavior. At the same time, if you do cross a line, own it and show that you are truly sorry for it. I don't think you should skip out this evening - you guys need to talk it out. And your DD is young enough now that if you have some disagreements she will never remember it in the future. But you want to make your marriage strong enough that you are not doing this a few years from now when it really will impact her.
I just want to say though...he called you a name and you retaliated. Maybe you crossed a line and maybe he needs time to chill out, but I would expect him to eventually keep everything in proportion. He "sees you differently"? Come on. Maybe yesterday, but in the light of a new day, they were reactionary words.
And you shouldn't be concerned that he's "supporting you" while you're staying home with your kid. You're both doing very important things for your family unit. What you're doing is a sacrifice too. (I know this may be a "you" thing and not a "him" thing, but I'm just sayin'.)
I'm not trying to stir the pot, and I agree with all the above comments about parenthood making things stressful and obviously ya'lls living and job situations were making things stressful and you're taking all that into account, which you should. But I hate to see women taking blame all over themselves in situations like this. It was a silly fight.
Now before I get flamed, being a working mom is damn hard too - but there is a certain disconnect and sense of isolation that comes along with being at home particularly in the beginning that it so hard on you mentally unless you have a strong circle of support and some mommy friends.
I guess my point is just what others have been saying - what you are doing for your family is just as important as what your DH is doing.
MAXIMUS POWERS 8♥5♥16
Glad to hear you are going to have a good night!!