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December 2012 Moms
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Am I being unreasonable? What would you do? NBR.

jac409jac409 member
in December 2012 Moms
Here is the story...for the past several years, DH and I always host a Christmas party at our house for his group at work. It is somewhere around 20 people, so not huge, but not nothing either. Of course, I end up doing the majority of the prep work and clean up which I normally don't mind because it is a fun party and we like to entertain. However, this year we will have a newborn in the house, in addition to DD. I told DH I would rather let someone else host this year (two have offered) and we will pick it back up next year. He is adamant that he wants to have the party as he really looks forward to it every year. He also feels that it is good for his career. Long story, but he has a volitile job and little things like this can give him a bit of a leg up. Because it means a lot to him, I gave him some conditions, some of which are that I do no prep or clean up. We get it catered and/ or have people bring dishes to pass. I also told him I reserve the right to stay for a couple of hours and then take the kids to a hotel or to a friends house to sleep since people usually stay pretty late. More or less, if he wants the party, it is on him from set up to clean up. Do you think I am being unreasonable? What would you do? I feel bad because I know it means a lot to him, but I also know I will not be up to it this year, and I am frustrated beyond belief that he does not seem to understand that. Sorry if this is running on. I am on my IPad, which does not do paragraphs on the bump. Thanks in advance!
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? What would you do? NBR.

  • JackiemxoxoJackiemxoxo member
    I would be making the same compromises you are making. I think if he wants to have the party then he can handle catering and clean up. If I were you, I'd make an appearance and then go when it got to be too much with the kids. I think he'll be fine with that because it is mostly about entertaining.

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  • Beth.1212Beth.1212 member
    I think that you've offered a reasonable compromise. The only thing that I wouldn't be comfortable with, personally, is having you leave mid party. I think most guests will see you as a host and might be uncomfortable seeing you leave. Could you hold the party earlier in the day so that you wouldn't feel like you had to take off? If you put a clear start and end time on the invites, would that work for you? It can be a bit awkward, but as long as you're willing to say, "Well Doug and Beth, it's been so lovely to have you over! I'm already looking forward to our next party. Here, let me get your coats for you. Can I persuade you to take some of these cookies home?" it isn't too, too bad.  
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  • jac409jac409 member
    Great suggestions ladies, thank you! The other two couples who have offered to host are perfectly capable of throwing a nice party. DH just doesn't want to give it up. @Beth.1212, I normally would never leave a party we were hosting, but this is a special circumstance and a compromise on my part. We will have, probably a four or five week old. I will likely have to have another c-section, so I will probably still be recovering from that as well. Throw nursing and getting up several times a night in there, and I just don't really care what anyone thinks about my failures as a hostess for this one party. I actually think everyone will be very understanding. One of the other wives already told me if we had the party she would boycott it just on principle. Lol. I gave DH my conditions yesterday and told him to think about it and let me know what he wants to do. He hasn't said anything yet, so we will see.
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  • jac409jac409 member
    bloomraiser said:
    I just think it looks funny if he insists on hosting and you have to take the kids and go stay in a hotel. I guess if you were at grandmas or something it wouldn't seem so bad. But as a guest, I would feel funny partying on at a house knowing I put someone out like that.
    Exactly. I am hoping DH realizes this too and opts to let someone else host instead of taking that option. We do have a friend's house nearby where we can go and stay, so I doubt we would have to go to a hotel anyway. Also, depending on how things go with my recovery and if this new baby is a good sleeper, I might not have to leave anyway. I just told DH I was reserving the right to take that option if I decided it would be better for me and the kids.
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  • LittleFish1LittleFish1 member
    I think your hubby is living in never-never land if he thinks the party can be done business as usual; he has forgotten the living on no sleep for the first few months pains much like new moms forget the labor pains.

    You both will be exhausted with two to take care of, add that it will be cold/flu season (do you really want extra germs added into the house on any & all surfaces). I think it would be far more enjoyable for you two if you treat it as a date night & let someone else host for this year.
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  • LittleFish1LittleFish1 member
    add in the term *romantic* date night with the hint /possibility that by then you may be off of "restrictions" & up for some grown up fun afterwards because you would not have any of the hostess duties.
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  • jsoubeljsoubel member
    If you have the party, you are a better woman than I am.  The compromise that you have offered is totally fair.  My DH does not always understand that a compromise is win-win and not him losing.  It's a struggle...

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  • ColeyCannoliColeyCannoli member
    edited September 2014
    My DH and I are anti-social hermits living in a one bedroom apartment so I don't really know what I'm saying here - but - I think your compromise is far more than fair. Honestly, like PPs have said, it would really bother me as a guest to be there. Maybe his coworkers won't care as much but knowing that you two JUST had a baby and must be tired and uncomfortable would ruin the party for me. Especially if I saw you leave with a newborn and your other child for a hotel while I drank in your living room.

    Is there a way to at least have it catered elsewhere? A nice hotel or restaurant or a ballroom somewhere? I get that it's important to him and to be fair it is only one night. But if one of the hosts has to leave early, I (as a guest) would be happier knowing they were headed safely home.

    Yeah, your baby may sleep well or he may have horrible cholic and be miserable. You may heal fast or you may have an added complication. Your DH needs to think and be prepared for all the possibilities.
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  • jac409jac409 member
    Unfortunately, we really can't afford to spend more on this party than we already do, so renting someplace to have it isn't really an option. I may look into a restaurant, but I doubt DH will go for it anyway. I know what you all are saying about guests feeling weird if I leave. I will point that out to DH and let him stew on it for awhile. Thanks!
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