N3TR: Working with an ex sucks :( (Warning: LONG and BFP mentioned, not mine)

wanderlust508 · September 2014

I apologize in advance for being all over the place in this post. And I know that all of this will probably sound very "high school" and petty compared to the things we deal with on a daily basis. I've just been really affected by this. I mentioned in another post that I found out my ex would be working with me at the new job I just started at in May. After I had some time to adjust to that idea I found out he and his wife are expecting a baby girl in Dec. I was upset/angry/crying when I found out but the positive was that I found out from a mutual friend and wasn't blindsided by the news when I saw him in person. He started this past Monday and this week has been hard for me.

Just a summary of my relationship with him. I met him in pharmacy school in 2002. We were together on/off from 2002-2007. I'd describe our relationship as passionate and full of love ...but ultimately fatally flawed. But when I think about our good times, they still make me smile. I will always think of him as another great love of my life. I am completely in love with my DH ...but I still remember what I had with the ex and think it was really special. The biggest issue in our relationship was that my parents didn't approve of him because of our cultural differences (they were very upset by the idea of me marrying someone who wasn't Indian, which he wasn't). Of course my 22 year old self only loved him more in the face of my parents' disapproval (and wanted to prove them wrong). In our relationship, I made mistakes along the way. In 2005 (after almost 3 years of dating) I dumped him and abruptly started a fling with someone else. We were long distance at the time and I found myself attracted to another guy and acted on it. He was devastated and begged me not to end it. Of course after a whirlwind romance that lasted a month, I realized the new guy sucked and wanted my ex back. Around that time I moved back to the bay area (where we both now live) and proceeded to try to win him back. Over the next year (2005-2006), he strung me along while dating another woman he worked with. I was incredibly hurt but just couldn't walk away. I know a lot of his actions were driven by the fact that he was so hurt by what I did - and he was trying to get back at me a bit. Anytime I tried to walk away, he told me that he couldn't imagine his life without my "friendship" and that he didn't want to lose me. And I would stay (while he would sleep with me AND the other girl). I felt like I deserved to be treated that way for what I did. Eventually after almost a year of that torture (and support/advice from friends), I decided to move back to LA (where I'd lived the year before and did long distance with him) to escape the unhealthy relationship I had with him. I started looking into jobs/apartments. Of course that was when he suddenly realized that he loved me and made the grand gesture. Showed up at my apartment crying, with flowers and told me not to go to LA. We had a long heart to heart and he promised he'd end it with the other girl and that we'd work on healing our relationship. So we were together again from 2006-2007. But it was never the same again. We definitely still loved each other but old resentments (on both sides) were still there and I was starting to realize that it just wouldn't work with him long-term. During that year he'd also started drinking a lot and smoking a lot of weed. The thought of him being the future father of my child scared me. We ended it summer of 2007 (not without months of back and forth after that). Eventually by the end of the year I realized I had to leave Berkeley (where we lived at the time) and start over. I bought my current house in Dublin. He told me he still wanted us to be friends and that he didn't want to lose me. He had just started dating someone else and I told him that it was too hard for me. I needed to not see him for a while. He pushed me hard to change my mind but ultimately accepted it. When I moved into my new house and started a new job (where I made a lot of close friends) my life changed dramatically for the better. It felt like a huge weight lifted off me (with the ex out of my life). I still missed him and got nostalgic for our good times but I knew I was better off and didn't contact him. After about a year we'd send each other occasional texts if we did or saw something that made us think of the other person - but not much. I started dating my now DH at the end of 2009. It was so much simpler and less stressful than it had been with the ex! It didn't have the same fiery passion that I had with the ex but it was amazing nonetheless. I was so happy to be in a relationship with someone who was a good guy, who I loved and my parents approved of. Sept 2010 we had a wedding to go to where my ex would be (my childhood friend and her long-time boyfriend who my ex became friends with while we were dating). My ex texted me around that time to meet for dinner before the wedding. I thought it was a good idea to meet before (so there'd be less awkwardness when we saw each other there). Dinner was fine. I just remember thinking "Wow, thank god I am no longer with him!" He's a good guy but he still smoked a lot of weed and throughout dinner he had 4 vodka sodas (I had 1). After dinner he asked if we could hang out and be friends. I said no. I didn't want to jeopardize my (fairly new) relationship with now DH. And I thought it was just better for me if he wasn't in my life. He was disappointed and pushed me to change my mind. I saw him at the wedding of our mutual friend. We said hello and I introduced DH but that was it. I was having a great time dancing with DH and socializing with friends I hadn't seen in a while but I noticed the ex was at the bar drinking a lot (alone). I felt sad for him. Then when the reception was close to wrapping up, the sister of the bride ran up to me and said I was needed outside. The ex had fallen off a ledge (10 feet) and hit his head. Paramedics were on the scene. My friend (the bride) was sobbing uncontrollably. I consoled her and tried to get all the information. I was upset too and crying. I just prayed that he wasn't paralyzed or there wasn't any permanent damage. DH found me outside and was consoling me. I asked the bride if I should go with her to the hospital and she said "No, he doesn't need to see you right now. I'll text you updates." On the way home I had so many mixed emotions. I was scared and worried about the ex - but also so angry at him for ruining my friend's wedding. He couldn't even hold it together for ONE night?! Such a train wreck. I did text him to say that I hoped he would be OK, I was praying for him and hoped he'd turn his life around. He ended up being in the hospital for a month(!!) and I heard from him a month later. He texted me and thanked me for my prayers. Said that he'd work on making changes in his life. I thought we'd leave it at that. But in the next couple months I got 3 drunk voicemails from him late at night. DH was upset and I was furious. I texted the ex and said "Please do not contact me again in the future. I wish you the best but do not want to see you or hear from you ever again. Please respect my wishes." I heard from my friend that he called her DH very distraught after getting my text - - but until now that was the last communication I had with him.

Shortly before he started work with us, I emailed him. I apologized for our last communication and said I hoped he didn't have hard feelings towards me. I congratulated him on his recent wedding (Nov of last year) and said I looked forward to seeing him. He responded and was very polite but brief. "No need to apologize, it's all in the past. Thank you for reaching out and I'll see you soon." The first day I saw him I was so nervous and it seemed like he was too. I approached him and we chatted for a bit. I congratulated him on his baby, asked when his wife was due. He asked how I was doing and about my brother (they were close when we were dating). I wanted to ask him so much more. About his dog (who was basically my dog too when I dated him) - is she still alive and well? Where does he live now? How did he meet his wife? How did he decide to take the job here? I wanted to suggest we get coffee sometime to catch up but I figured that wasn't appropriate at this point. It just kind of hurts to see that we're such strangers to each other now. And I wished we didn't have to see each other!!

I try to be friendly towards him to make the best of the situation. He always seems to regard me with this cool indifference ....which sucks. Yesterday (we were both working the weekend) I approached him to ask how he was liking the new job. We chatted for a bit and then he said he'd soon have to adjust his schedule around daycare. That was hard to hear but I kept a brave face. I keep overhearing him having conversations with this other pharmacist in the office who has kids. I hear things like "How did you find your nanny?" and "Did you look into daycare centers in the area?" Parent talk. Which I have nothing to contribute to.

All these memories and emotions are coming back to me seeing him. I'm not in love with him again but it's just a little ....confusing. I went back and read a bunch of old emails we sent each other during our relationship (and cried). WHY am I doing this?? I won't talk to DH about it because I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I have all these conflicting feelings towards the ex. Wanting to reconnect and be friends. Not wanting to see him at all. Happy for him that he turned his life around and is doing well now. Angry and resentful that I have to see him and get daily reminders that he's going to be a dad ...and I'm not even close to being a mom. Mad at him because I stayed with him during what were probably my most fertile years - and seeing that now I have trouble TTC while he and his wife are just fine. But despite all that I have such a soft spot for him. And am sensitive and bothered that he doesnt' make more of an effort to talk to me at work. Ugh ...WHY?!

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. For the sake of my sanity I think I need to step back and not make such an effort with the ex (especially since he doesn't reciprocate). This situation just sucks.

wanderlust508 · September 2014

Thank you @DaydreamSam. Appreciate the hugs and support! I hope the memories fade soon too

wanderlust508 · September 2014

Thanks ladies. Just venting to you guys and getting it down in writing made me feel so much better(for the moment at least). And your hugs/support/feedback helped even more.

@triathlete23‌ - Thanks! Our old emails are in a different email account that I usually never check anymore (but somehow felt compelled to yesterday). Deleting them permanently is probably a good idea though. Just in case I have another weak/sentimental moment.

@iputKetchupOnKetchup‌ - Thank you woman. As usual you are right (I know how much you love hearing that)!

I can see how it looks like this could become a sticky and dangerous situation. When I posted this I thought it was better not to worry DH with this and unnecessarily make him feel insecure. But like you said, it could strengthen my relationship with him (& maybe even weaken the thoughts I have towards the ex, our history and his baby).

@rainbowbridge14‌ - Thanks so much! I wouldn't tell my supervisor about it but I do have a couple good friends at work who know about it and who I can vent to. Thanks for reminding me, that's definitely something to be grateful for.

BunnyBerry · September 2014

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

Reading your story, the words (or similar to) "he pushed me to...XYZ" repeated over and over. This guy has not had your interests in mind, pretty much, ever from the sound of it. It's so tempting once we're out of a relationship to be nostalgic for the good times, because nothing's forcing us to suffer through the bad parts any more. But I agree with PPs, keeping these feelings from YH sounds more like protecting your desire to indulge in these feelings rather than protecting YH's feelings.

I don't think there was a need to apologize for your last words to him about not contacting you - it was reasoned and healthy. Hopefully soon, working in the same place as him will normalize the experience and give you the chance to weave your memories of that relationship more comfortably into your story and your life.

It sounds like after such a long relationship, that ended only 5 years ago, there will definitely be warm, loving memories - I still find myself thinking back on that kind of thing from boyfriends I broke up with in 2005 and 2007! But Iwhen I find myself thinking that way, I purposefully force myself to rethink on why I would never have wanted them to be my husband, to have a healthy perspective on things.

I am so sorry you are in this situation and wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy! I think the best defense against this stress is to clear the air with YH and be able to laugh it off together. Good luck!

theholmanherd · September 2014

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're going through this. I've never had to be in that exact situation, but I can relate to parts of it.

My ex and I were together for 7 years and broke up because he was extremely jealous of my male friends. He had a temper, and we had other issues as well. Shortly after, my now DH asked me out (we worked together and I had no idea he was interested until he asked me out). The timing wasn't great so my ex accused me of cheating and one of my best friends seemed to believe him and we all had a falling out. In the middle of it, my ex refused to let me take the dog so I never got to see him again, I was living with my friend's parents, and I couldn't find a place of my own. It was a huge fucking mess. Anyway, a couple months went by and I found a place after I got a better job. Except all my stuff was at my ex's apartment. My mom warned me not to go over there. She was convinced he would get violent, as he had a temper.

Well, I didn't listen to her and he cornered me and tried to make me kiss him and tried to convince me to move back in. He was pretty insistent, but I pushed him away, grabbed my stuff, and took off. We didn't talk for a couple years, except to tell him my mom died and that I was getting married. My H hates him for his behavior that night and for past issues. Out of the blue, last year, he called me to tell me he was expecting a baby with someone else and that he needed my advice about the baby mama (they aren't together). Needless to say, I was blown the fuck away. We had a long talk and we became friends again. Well, insofar as we are civil and talk now and then to catch up.

My H still doesn't like that we talk now and then (though he wouldn't try to stop me). Regardless, I always tell my husband EVERYTHING about when we talk and what we talk about. He knows he can trust me and I don't need to wonder if I'm doing anything wrong. Completely open. You need to do the same. It sounds like you're letting this stay bottled up and it's starting to seriously effect you. Good luck, EastBay.

P.S. the way you described the relationships is so similar to us. My parents didn't like my ex, it was "passionate" and fiery, but we had a lot of issues and broke up 3 times before it was final. With my H, it is so different and easy going and wonderful. Yay us for lucking out!

Now I just have to deal with living in the same city as H's ex's parents (they run a business in our new city and she visits a lot). Here's to hoping we don't see them! LOL

wanderlust508 · September 2014

Thanks so much everyone. Your wisdom, advice and shared personal experiences are much appreciated!

@LLM100811 - I like what you said about staying in control. I definitely need to work on that. These kinds of situations tend to bring out a more emotional side in me (vs logical). That combined with the fact that I have a history of being weak when it comes to him ....I need to recognize that I'm vulnerable to making bad decisions when it comes to him and work at sidestepping them. Thanks!

@BunnyBerry - I like how you called me out on not telling DH out of wanting to indulge the feelings vs protecting him. I will admit there is truth to that! And you're right about the fact that the ex often didn't have my best interests at heart. I liked to spin it as "He just wants me in his life so badly because I mean so much to him." While that was true, I think it had more to do with the fact that he had abandonment issues and panicked at the idea of us not being in each others' lives (even if part of him knew that it was sane and healthy to do that).

@theholmanherd - Thanks so much for sharing your experience with your ex. It definitely sounds like there are similarities there in our past relationships! And amen to us lucking out! I know my DH is a much better match for me than the ex was. No matter how many nostalgic happy memories pop up with him, there's nothing that can change that.

Update - So I came home from work today and somewhat opened up to DH about the ex. He actually asked if I'd worked with him today. I said "No, he won't be on my weekend anymore after yesterday ....thank God." He said "That bad, huh?" I told him it was just that I didn't know how to act around the ex. That I tried super hard to act like it was normal and fine (when really there's nothing normal or fine about the situation) - and it felt exhausting and irritating to not have my effort reciprocated. I told him that part of me wished we could be friendly exes now that we work together but that I was going to take a step back and keep my communication with him more professional. I lamented that I wished I didn't have to see him at all and that all the talk about his baby got to me the most. I did leave out the part about reading my old emails to him but gave him a good idea of how I've been feeling. He told me that he thought my feelings were completely normal and that I needed to remember that my relationship with him is just a work relationship now - to avoid getting myself worked up about it. I asked him how he would feel if his last girlfriend moved to CA and started working with him. He said "It would be really annoying. Because of course she would constantly be trying to get in my pants. And I would have to be like HELLO - I'm married!" LOL! I was cracking up. One example of why I married this guy - - -he makes me laugh, even in painful situations.

lebradford · September 2014

I'm so sorry. For what it's worth, I have had relationships like that, and there are exes of mine that I'm curious about and care about to some degree. I think if you're really close to someone, it is only natural to continue to care about them, even if you don't want to be with them anymore. I just want to reassure you that it's probably pretty common, so I don't think you should feel guilty. I do agree with you though, it's probably best not to tell your husband.

If I had to work with an ex that I was once in a serious relationship with and he was expecting with his wife, I would be devastated too. I think it's just impossible not to compare or think about where you could be.

I think it was good to break the ice with him and ask a few questions so it isn't too awkward, but I think you've done enough and it would probably be best for your sanity if you tried to avoid him from now on.

((hugs)) I hope you can find some peace at work.

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N3TR: Working with an ex sucks :( (Warning: LONG and BFP mentioned, not mine)

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