~ Loss Check-In ~

CherryPicked · September 2014

Hi ladies, I hope you have been kind to yourselves this week.

Welcome to the check-in! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief?

CherryPicked · September 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

My husband and I went to support group this week, which was emotional but good.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I am working on becoming a resource for parents facing the same diagnosis. I am so excited about this because no one could ever find us another family to talk to and it would have been so helpful.

QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief?

With my husband I don't, but around some coworkers and people who have moved on and forgotten about Caroline I feel very alone and misunderstood. Caroline is always on my mind and for some reason that is hard for people to understand.

ikrystal · September 2014

**ticker warning**

kderoy Thanks for posting the check in. I'm sorry that you feel so alone in all of this. I know that feeling. I think it is great you are working on becoming a resource for baby loss!

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Nothing special this week

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I want to really make sure that I spread Conner and Ben's legacy and story everyday. I've been trying to include family and friends on the 10th of each month for their birthday. Infant Loss Awareness Day is also coming up, so we will do something special then as well.

QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief? YES. There is a memorial next month at our hospital for the babies who died, and we invited close friends and family. Only two people are coming.Everyone else said no or ignored the invitation completely. To say I'm pissed is an understatement. My boys deserve better.

Littleowl913 · September 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Since my loss is so new, I'm just trying not to sit home and cry all day.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Being emotionally prepared to go back to work. DH thinks it's better to try to go back earlier but I realized last night there's no way I can go back on Monday but I decided I'll go back on Friday to ease myself into a full work week. I'm not sure what I can do to prepare myself but I got to do it.

QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief? I tend to isolate myself and internalize my grief. I've always been like that. I rely on DH for support but right now I don't want to talk to anyone else about our loss (because I can't stop the tears and I've always hated when people see me cry).

forevermyfenix · September 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Well, I thought I was doing better but then yesterday night I broke down with no apparent trigger, blaming myself again for not going to the hospital even though when I called my doctors office they said there was no need. One of the main things people tell you is "it's not your fault." I know it's not my fault there was a tear in the umbilical cord, but I feel like it was my fault that I didn't push the docs harder and insist they monitored him. I mean, he was inside of me, I was the only one who could have pushed harder to save him and I didn't. I took the doctors word for it and then I focused on my final paper that was due, because "the doctor said it was fine, and this paper is due right now and I've got an appointment tomorrow anyway." I feel like I chose my schoolwork over my son.

It doesn't help my grief is complicated with the loss of my bird, who died because I didn't secure the screened in porch door and Donnie flew out and got chased down by hawks in front of me. That for sure WAS my fault.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
This upcoming week DH has doctors appointments at the Mayo clinic to hopefully shed some light on his chronic health problems. My goal is to make it through one day at a time and not get my hopes up, but still don't get slammed with too much disappointment when we get the answer "sorry, we don't know how to treat you" that we've heard so many times over the past 4 years. I'd like to spend some evenings on the beach just staring at the ocean and having some quiet time to myself. Maybe I'll be able to feel Fenix there.
QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief?

That really depends on the minute you're asking to be honest. When I'm here, I don't feel so isolated. But let me talk to my family or friends, and oh yes I feel isolated. They just don't know, and to be honest, most of the time I'd rather isolate myself than deal with them asking how I'm doing. Because lets be honest, they don't want me to truly respond and let them know "Hi, I've been put on antidepressants and I need to seek therapy because I've lost my will to live, and I have flashbacks to the hospital and to seeing my baby bird being ripped apart my hawks and seeing no heartbeat on the ultrasound. Oh, and btw, everything you say to try to comfort me only makes it hurt worse."

msunshine123 · September 2014

@kderoy - I think being a resource to others is an incredible way to honor your Caroline! I agree people who have never lost a child can never appreciate that your child is always on your mind.
@ikrystal - I am so sorry that the turn out for the memorial is so poor - I would be angry too!
@Littleowl913 - the beginning is just like that - you cry all the time and you honestly need to remind yourself to breathe, eat... Take the time you need. I think it's great that you are easing yourself back on a Friday. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way:)
@artgeek009 - I can appreciate how you feel. I lost my son (also our 1st child) due to a cord accident they believe happened when my labor started at 39 weeks and 3 days. I wish I could have done something to save him. Just like you said - he was in me. But I always come back to the same thing - there was nothing I could have done because it was out of my control. Please be kind to yourself - you would have done everything and anything for your Fenix if given the choice, but you also had no choice. It was out of your control. As for Donnie - also NOT your fault - you never wanted to see him get chased down by Hawks and killed. It was an accident leaving a screen open - your mind was on so many things with your loss of Fenix. Keeping you in my T&Ps ((hugs)).

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I finally got the items and pictures I will need to put together the scrap book for our son.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I plan to actually put this album together.
QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief? I feel supported with DH, friends who have also had a loss, family, and our support group. But I agree with other posters that I do feel isolated sometimes from certain friends and family members who just don't get it. But honestly, I would never want anyone to experience a loss in order to truly get it.

dadalou · September 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? DH and I started going to a grief support group with MIL and a friend. It is every week until the beginning of December. I hope that it helps MIL with her grief and for her to understand ours better.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? The next thing would probably be to get back to work on getting Nathaniel's book published. I just need to start contacting people in the industry. I don't want to, but I want the book out there so I'm going to have to do it eventually.

QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief? A lot of the time I do. Most people just don't understand. DH and I saw this at the grief group that we went to this week. It wasn't just for baby loss and most people had lost spouses or parents. There was one other couple who lost a child, but he was in his 20s. It was hard to hear about always having memories of them and stuff that they used all the time that was a reminder. People don't realize that we don't have that.

diamante1181 · September 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Yes and no. I mean, it's complicated. I like to think of it like when I'm doing well at work or having a good day/moment, that it is because of my darlings and for them as well. But nothing special in and of itself.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

This week I am taking my licensing exam for the Series 7, and I'm hoping that I pass it on the first try, because it would be a slap in the face if I couldn't. I guess in my mind I'm doing it for Phoebe because I started studying for it when I was pg with her, and this would be like a little victory/tribute to her. Also, today I decided to give away the baby stuff I bought last year for Sophie and Gabriel. What was I doing with it besides crying over it? Of course I cried as I placed their things in a bad, but they were never even used. Just a bunch of bibs, receiving blankets, etc. with the tags still on them. My friend (she and her husband pastor a small church) is picking them up to give to her ex-SIL who is currently pg and baby's father walked out on her. At least their things are going to help someone who really needs it, even if it is heartbreaking parting with their stuff.

QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief?

Most definitely. I can't make anyone remember my babies, my H doesn't really talk about them, and when I try to bring up my upcoming appt or anything related to the future, he avoids the discussion. It's all very sad and trying.

jonahsma · September 2014

***PG'S mentioned*****

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? The last couple of weeks have been rough for me. I feel like I am at the brink of breaking down and I don't want to. I was at the hospital last week and was surrounded by pregnant women who were either bleeding or who hadn't felt their babies move in days. It was hard to sit there and see the look of fear and desperation on their faces. I know that look. It was even harder sitting there hearing babies crying and knowing that these women were wondering if they would get to hear their babies crying. It took everything in me to not have a panic attack and to start crying. I wish that this never happened to any of us..

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? I plan on getting a Cd of the last ultrasound that was taken of Emily. I'm kind of afraid though

Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I will contact the hospital soon .

QOTW: Do you feel isolated in your grief? At times I do . Dh is starting to open up a bit more which makes me feel not so alone.

CherryPicked · September 2014

@ikrystal - I'm so sorry that you got a poor response to your invitations for the memorial service. I agree - your boys deserve better and your friends and family should be there for your family.

@Littleowl913 - If you need to sit at home and cry all day, then do it. I think it is good not to wallow in the grief, but when it is there, you need to feel it and move through it. Your loss is so fresh; please be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks. I also relate to the difference between moms and dads feeling ready to go back to work. My DH was ready much earlier than I was to go back - I think he liked the distraction.

@artgeek009 - I will be another person gently telling you that it is not your fault. You would have done anything you could to save Fenix, but there was no way for you to know what was happening. It was out of your control.

@msunshine123 - I agree that although it is hard to feel isolated in grief, I wouldn't want anyone I know to be able to relate by going through this pain.

@dadalou - It's great that MIL comes with you to support group! Grandparents are grieving too, and I'm glad she is there to support you.

@diamante1181 - Good luck on your licensing exam! Thinking of you this week.

**rainbow mentioned**

@jonahsma - I hope that the CD of Emily's ultrasound pictures is healing for you. Congrats again on baby Mia's arrival! I'm so happy for you!!!

ikrystal · September 2014

**ticker warning**

Littleowl913 **hugs** as you ease yourself back into work. I know it can't be easy.

artgeek009 I can sympathize with the whole oh, they don't really want to know how I'm doing or feeling. It's so difficult. I truly believe that your loss was not your fault. You did not want this. **hugs**

msunshine123 I put together a scrapbook for my boys. It was therapeutic. I hope it is the same for you.

dadalou good luck with you book

diamante1181 I think that is a wonderful thing you did to help other people, even though it was really hard on you. You a a strong mom.

jonahsma I'm glad your DH is opening up more. And what a great thing that you can do by getting an ultrasound on a cd. I wish we had that option - I'm starting to forget what it was like to see my boys on the ultrasound.

lexusolsen · September 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

In a lot of ways I feel like I'm taking steps backward, if anything. I'm really struggling these days.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I'm continuing to try to get to my pre-Ben weight and get back into a regular routine at the gym. It's harder than I remembered to balance everything.

I feel very isolated in my grief. I feel like almost everyone expects us to be "over it" by now. There are very few people I can open up to and I feel badly for always dumping my emotions on them. I'm trying to make sure my relationships aren't so one-sided now that we are learning our new normal.

msunshine123 · September 2014

@dadalou - I think it's great your MIL is going to the support group too! Good luck with getting published!
@diamante1181 - good luck on your series 7! I agree I think that when things are going well that it is because my son is helping me through and I am doing the best I can for him/his honor too.
@jonahsma - I am sure the past few weeks were very challenging. Your experience gives me hope. Congratulations on Mia's arrival!
@lexusolsen - I think grief is like that - sometimes I think I'm doing ok - then I have a really bad day/moment...it's such a roller coaster with so many highs and lows. We are here for you because we know there is never any "over it" our babies mean the world to us. ((hugs))

msunshine123 · September 2014

@MaiTaiBeth - Isla Rose is such a beautiful name. I think planting roses in her honor is wonderful. It can be hard picking out things for our little ones, but I agree it's nice to see them in person. Doing the picture/scrap book for my son I almost lost it in the store looking for little phrases and stickers to put in the book when I came across the phrase "laughing" because I would never see my son laugh. It feels good to just cry and let it out - it's so hard holding it in. Don't be afraid about the crying never stopping if you let yourself feel it because as someone told me, "the tears can't go on forever eventually they'll dry up for the moment and maybe come back again later, but they won't start and never stop." ((hugs))

stefuge · September 2014

@MaiTaiBeth‌ - I love that you planted roses for Isla - that is so beautiful. I was just thinking of you recently, and am glad to see you checking in. I hope Fiona is doing well.

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