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May 2014 Moms
RachelCA29
member
Going to quit BFing and so sad (xp in breastfeeding)
RachelCA29
member
I'm emotionally wrecked from trying to BF. We had a rough start with a NICU and bottle fed formula beginning, battling over supply and OALD and a tongue and lip tie.
LO could never latch properly without a nipple shield. Then after we had his tounge and lip ties corrected he just didn't want to nurse. I would literally sit with my baby screaming in hunger with my nipple dripping milk into his mouth. He refused to even close his mouth near my breasts. The sense of personal rejection got to be too much so I started pumping.
I breastfed for about 6 weeks and pumped until he was 4 months. But it's getting hard to maintain my supply with just pumping. We have to supplement more and more and I have to pump for longer periods of time to get the same amount. (I'm up to 40 minutes per session, which is hard since I am the primary care giver to my son). I feel like so much of my day is spent washing pump parts and pumping instead of being with my baby.
So a few days ago I starting bfing again. I was super engorged in the mornings, but he was doing great for the first 60 hours. We were even doing well without a nipple shield. Then it happened. The rejection. At first I thought it was because it was the evening, so the milk doesn't flow as easily. But even when I would pre-stimulate letdown he would just cry at my breast instead of latching. So I pumped while my husband gave a bottle and we tried again later. Same thing, angry baby, just wants a bottle. He nursed well on one breast before bed last night, but was still super hungry and didn't want to try other breast. He downed 6 ounces of formula, which is a lot for him.
MOTN feeding (which he hasn't needed in a month) same thing. Completely rejecting me. And this morning the same. My breasts are full and dripping, waiting and ready for him, he won't even get near them without screaming.
Honestly I just can't take this rejection anymore. I know it isn't, but it feels so personal. I'm his mom and he cries when I put my breast near him. He would rather suck on a plastic bottle than his mother's breasts. I'm in so much pain from this, and I'm tired of crying about it. I'm not emotionally strong enough for this constant rejection from my own baby.
The thought of letting myself dry up and formula feeding is just as sad to me, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like if I formula feed I will be so judged as not trying hard enough and not giving my baby what's best, but it's like my baby doesn't want it.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I've cried so much in the past 24 hours my eyes are sore
Sorry for the novel ...
LO could never latch properly without a nipple shield. Then after we had his tounge and lip ties corrected he just didn't want to nurse. I would literally sit with my baby screaming in hunger with my nipple dripping milk into his mouth. He refused to even close his mouth near my breasts. The sense of personal rejection got to be too much so I started pumping.
I breastfed for about 6 weeks and pumped until he was 4 months. But it's getting hard to maintain my supply with just pumping. We have to supplement more and more and I have to pump for longer periods of time to get the same amount. (I'm up to 40 minutes per session, which is hard since I am the primary care giver to my son). I feel like so much of my day is spent washing pump parts and pumping instead of being with my baby.
So a few days ago I starting bfing again. I was super engorged in the mornings, but he was doing great for the first 60 hours. We were even doing well without a nipple shield. Then it happened. The rejection. At first I thought it was because it was the evening, so the milk doesn't flow as easily. But even when I would pre-stimulate letdown he would just cry at my breast instead of latching. So I pumped while my husband gave a bottle and we tried again later. Same thing, angry baby, just wants a bottle. He nursed well on one breast before bed last night, but was still super hungry and didn't want to try other breast. He downed 6 ounces of formula, which is a lot for him.
MOTN feeding (which he hasn't needed in a month) same thing. Completely rejecting me. And this morning the same. My breasts are full and dripping, waiting and ready for him, he won't even get near them without screaming.
Honestly I just can't take this rejection anymore. I know it isn't, but it feels so personal. I'm his mom and he cries when I put my breast near him. He would rather suck on a plastic bottle than his mother's breasts. I'm in so much pain from this, and I'm tired of crying about it. I'm not emotionally strong enough for this constant rejection from my own baby.
The thought of letting myself dry up and formula feeding is just as sad to me, but I don't know what else to do. I feel like if I formula feed I will be so judged as not trying hard enough and not giving my baby what's best, but it's like my baby doesn't want it.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I've cried so much in the past 24 hours my eyes are sore
Sorry for the novel ...
When Fluff Mail Arrives:
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Going to quit BFing and so sad (xp in breastfeeding)
You are an amazing mother and have overcome so much to give your little man your milk. Be proud of how far you've come! As PP said what matters is a happy mommy and a happy baby.
And who is going to judge you anyways?? F*ck them!!
Happy Endings
For your comfort I would suggest not dropping BF/pumping cold turkey. I would drop one feeding at a time. After your supply adjusts and you're no longer engorged (takes 2-3days for me) at that time of day, drop another feeding, etc.
I also thought it was good advice to try maybe pumping one bottle a day. That way you are still providing lots of great benefits to your child, without being a slave to the pump. And, if you felt inclined for any reason in he future, you could always try to increase your supply since it would still be there.
As my husband says, I am the happiest mom in the world when BFing is working, but I'm practically depressed and so self loathing when it doesn't. I keep trying to explain the sheer sense of rejection, but it's hard to put into words. But knowing that it isn't my baby rejecting me, that some babies just have trouble BFing really makes me feel better and less guilty about having to slowly tapper off.
Again, I love this board and all the support we can give to each other!
My son has never been a good nurser, and we tried everything (weekly LC appts, oral exercises, suck training, lip tie/tongue tie release, chiropractor). We struggled through every single nursing session only to end in tears of frustration for both of us. He would end up with a bottle and I would end up pumping.
Sorry for my sob story, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. When I went back to work, I stopped trying so hard to save my sanity. We now nurse once in the morning and pump/bottle feed the rest of the time. I still wish we could EBF, but this works for us and I'm not as miserable as I used to be. My supply is dropping now too and I hope to not be as hard on myself as I was in the beginning when we have to start supplementing.
I know it may be hard, but try to cut yourself some slack. You have been doing an amazing thing for your baby and no matter how you end up feeding him, you're a great mother.
1st BFP-8/17/12! Missed Miscarriage discovered @ 8 week US. D&C.
2nd BFP-2/13/13! Blighted Ovum discovered @ 8 week US. Natural miscarriage.
3rd BFP-5/22/13! By early June, progesterone plummeting. Another loss.
August 2013 - started Donor Egg process, but surprise BFP with my own eggs.
Dear Son born 5/28/14