Feeling bad for myself — The Bump
Multiples

Feeling bad for myself

Woe is I for having two incredibly amazing, healthy, beautiful children.

But I am so envious of those with one baby. I feel bad for myself almost every day. Yesterday, Carter slept longer than Patrick so I had Patrick come help me with dinner. It was awesome to actually be able to make dinner. I can't help but feel so much more limited, always thinking about logistics (no, sorry, I can't do mommy and me yoga with two babies...), plan for how I could manage both boys of they are both awake when I meet another mommy for lunch, always feeling like a single parent (even when DH is home I still have a baby to play with and love on when I really just need a shower).

I am the luckiest person to have those two beautiful smiles first thing in the morning, and to be able to experience feeling such love at once. Those double laughs, grins, "hugs", adoration, and adorableness makes my world go round... But I hate only being able to pick up one baby and walk around when they both want to be held. I hate that I can't hold a sleeping baby in case the other one suddenly wakes up. Or that I can't hold them while they eat. Or that I have to choose who is crying harder. I just always think "why me," and I hate that!! What a whirl wind of emotions, adventure, and motherhood.

Please tell me I will get over this.
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Re: Feeling bad for myself

  • In the beginning, I almost always felt guilty because I felt that I was half-assing each child.  As they are getting older and can sit, I don't feel that way as much anymore.  It's easy enough to feed both and entertain both and play with both because it doesn't rely on holding them.

    I'm afraid the logistical issues will always be there.   I do feel somewhat cloistered as a twin family because we are just not as mobile.  We have to decline invitations and errands together are limited.

    D & L are here at 34 weeks 4 days by vaginal and breech delivery on 11/19/2013
    Two healthy boys weighing 4 lbs 15 ozs and 4 lbs 5 ozs.  Only 6 days in the NICU and getting bigger, stronger and cuter every day! 
    KatieGummowks3pink
  • I think we all feel like that at times. I brought one baby to the store with me the other day and thought how easy is this? I think when they start to get more independent it will be easier ,and we will be happy to have 2 who can entertain and play with each other. It does get frustrating at times not being able to do more with them but at this point I can't picture only having one.
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt16696f.aspx[/img][/url]
    KatieGummow
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  • Creepy internet ((hugs)) to you.  I'm not there yet, so I can't offer advice. 

    I just saw a phrase in another thread that applies here:
    "The days are long but the years are short."

    Your day to day struggles are real, but it will pass more quickly than you expect, and soon, it will all be fond memories.

    *** Ticker Warning ***

    Me: 37, DH: 39, TTC 5 yrs

    2013 summary: Diagnosed with Hypothyroid; Cervical polyp removed (benign); 
    2 rounds ovidrel with timed intercourse (no result): 3 rounds IUI with clomid + ovidrel (no result)
    2014 summary (to date):
    IVF cycle 1 - ER: 4/17 (28 follicles, 3 fertilized, 2 survived to day 3);
    ET: 4/20 (3rd day, 2 embryos - 1 @ 6 cells & 1 @ 4 cells); Beta 5/1 - BFP!; 
    1st scan 5/13 - development behind, no heartbeat detected; D&C 6/2; WTF 6/13
    IVF cycle 2 - BCP begun 7/12; stims w/ HGH begun 7/26; 
    ER: 8/6, 12 follicles, 7 fertilized w/ ICSI; ET: 8/11, 3 blastocysts left, 2 transferred, 3rd arrested 8/12 - none to freeze :'(
    1st beta 8/19 - BFP! 294; 2nd beta 8/26 - 4976; 1st u/s 9/2; 2nd u/s 9/9 - two little heartbeats at 140 each!!! 
    EDD: 29-April-2015
    Other Meds: Synthroid 100 mcg/daily

      imageimageimage
    Pregnancy Ticker
    KatieGummowMissEm15
  • Hugs!!

    I know how you feel. I had those same thoughts all the time. I still have them from time to time. My twins are almost 2 now and things have gotten so much easier since they have become independent. They play with each other which gives me a break. The break is awesome considering I am currently almost 40 weeks pregnant with my 3rd. I spent a lot of time at home when they were little since it was way too hard to go anywhere alone with them. I leave DH with the kids alone.. in fact I'm upstairs in our room relaxing as we speak while he's downstairs with the girls. Take some time for yourself. Unfortunately the logistics never get better.

                              

    KatieGummow
  • Empathetic hugs to you. I so get it. I'm feeling it a lot lately.

    I see moms walking around the mall with a single stroller and I get that tug of envy.

    When I get those moments with just one of them, and it's so fun and cute and special, and I think, if this were the only one I could give them this kind of attention all the time. And then I get sad.

    I feel silly and guilty for feeling that way because I love them both so much. But then I guess it's because I love them so much that I wish I could give them more individual attention.

    I think this is just one of those MoM things we all deal with at some point!

    Baby Boy #1 born 1/15/2010

    Babies #2 & #3 arriving Spring 2014 (EDD June 18)

    KatieGummowbumpuser924057[Deleted User]
  • I've had many of those same feelings. The first year was the worst of it. I felt like each baby was getting shortchanged, and in some ways I also felt like I was missing out on some of the more precious moments of motherhood. I had many friends who had only 1 baby and seemed to have so much more mobility.

    What I wasn't able to see when I was in the midst of the chaos of that first year, is that the babies were going to change. They would become more independent. They wouldn't need to be held or fed or comforted at the same time so frequently.

    At 19 months now, I feel like I'm better able to meet their needs. It feels more like I have 2 kids who happen to be the same age rather than the previous feeling of "oh sh!t, I have twins!" I also am able to take some time for myself, whether to take a shower, run an errand, or go for a run, without having to worry that my DH is going to lose his mind if I'm not there to help.

    I do still feel some sadness about that first year, but I know that I did the very best that I could. I also feel confident that both of my kids feel loved despite whatever limitations I was dealing with when they were infants.

    At 5 months you are still in the trenches so to speak. Hard does not even begin to describe it. The good news is that things improve as your babies start to sit up and play by themselves. I have found that it only gets easier over time. Ntot to say that there aren't still challenges, but if you can get through this first year, you can do anything!

    TTC since June 2009
    BFP #1 2/22/10 M/C 6w2d
    BFP #2 October 2010 CP
    BFP #3 1/11/11 M/C 8w5d
    IUI #1 Aug 2011= BFN
    IUI #2= BFP #4 9/18/11 missed M/C, D&C 10/18/11
    IUIs #3&4 = BFN
    IVF #1 May 2012 = BFP! Twins!!

    Fraternal twins born Feb. 2013

     Lilypie - (X78c)
     


     

    KatieGummow
  • THANK YOU beautiful mommies. Oh my do I feel better when I don't feel so alone. As I kept reading your love/support/experiences I felt my shoulders get lighter and lighter. I really needed these words today. I will forever keep you in my heart. Xox
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    [Deleted User]PinkinProvence
  • zazu13zazu13
    250 Answers 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    member
    edited September 2014
    I have felt this way, too, @KatieGummow‌. I try to spend time with other people who love my babies (friends, grandmas, aunts) . They hold one and I take the other. It means they both get loved on and I get 1:1 with each without worrying about the other one being neglected. It makes things easier. Also mine are close to sitting and its so much easier to have both in my lap, one on each hip, both in front of me in high chairs, etc. If one is sleeping I do try to snuggle the other. If they wake up, I snuggle both at the same time. I feel very blessed to be a twin mama, but the logistics are constantly an issue. It would be easier if they'd come one at a time, but I have a feeling I will be so glad they came together as they get older.

    Age: 35 TTC since 2005, MFI & DOR 

    IVF #1 Sep '11 - canceled poor response

     IVF #2 Nov '11  8R/8M/4F 3dt x2 - chemical

    IVF #3 April '12  11R/6M/4F 3dt x2 - m/c

    FET #1 Aug 2012  3dt x2 - BFN

    **new RE**

     IVF #4 Jan '13 BFN 11R/6M/6F 5dt x2 - BFN

     IVF #5 July '13 16R/10M/10F 5dt x2 + 1 frostie

    9dp5dt Beta 1 = 344!! 16dp5dt. Beta 2 = 4822 7wk u/s= 2 heartbeats!

    Twin girls! 3/6/14

     

    KatieGummow
  • I feel this way all the time. It has gone back and forth - things got better when they were sitting and starting to interact with me and each other, but right now things are worse again because they are getting into everything and it's SO hard to take them anywhere at all. And my three year old has definitely suffered this past year too. I'm really, really hoping that things will improve again when the little ones start communicating more (so far neither one is talking at all). Sorry I don't have much to say that's positive, but you're definitely not alone.

    image
    Grant - 6/2/11
    Glenn and Caroline - 6/19/13

    KatieGummowkbeach82
  • I feel guilty all the time for thinking how easy it would be if I had my almost 4 year old and one infant. I love my twins girls so much and could not image life without them. However Logistically it is just takes more hands/planning to do things with a toddler and twins.


    Ella - 10/19/10
    Julia and Aubrey - 4/3/14


    KatieGummowkbeach82
  • Google "why having twins is better" and some great articles come up. I am currently freaking out about the money and the likelihood that I will not be returning to work. Two babies in daycare would be almost my entire teacher salary up here in northern va. And it is a shame bc I LOVE my job. I teach middle school theatre and it's the best gig ever so I am bummed about that. Anyway, I am going to say that I have had the same thoughts you have but think, what if you lost one of them? Some women in this group have. Sounds harsh but it worked for me. You are going to get a lot of help and attention from family, friends and even strangers bc you have twins! Keep positive and admit when you need help!
    Pregnancy Ticker Anniversary
    KatieGummow
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