younger Sister pregnant & i feel awful

jessicalynn416 · September 2014

Backstory, my DH and I are 26/27 and married about 18 months. My little sister got married earlier this summer and just announced they are expecting a baby. My sister has a child from a previous relationship that she had when she was 19. That pregnancy didn't bother me because she was so young and u was soon young. I kind of had this idea that my DH and I would have the next grandchild. We were waiting until early next year to finish up a few to start trying. I was and am very happy for them and to have anew niece or nephew. However, I got in my car yesterday and just cried. I don't really know why l. I cried later to my husband too. He had the same feelings of being disappointed that it wasnt us. He was ready to throw the BC away last night but we have a non refundable cruise booked for April he wants to try anyway and just cruise pregnant if it happens but I'm not sure if I want to do that. We cooked start trying until late October anyways because of some meds I'm on that need to be out of your system. I was going to b talk to my ears next month about when I should get off those meds and how long. I just needed to get this off my chest.

FemShep · September 2014

Fertility is not a zero sum game, and no one has "dibs" on the next grandchild. People will love your baby just as much, whether it is born in 9 months or 19 months. And if it makes you feel any better, cruise lines won't let you cruise after a certain point in your pregnancy, so if you got pregnant right now, you'd lose your non-refundable cruise in April. Take a deep breath, get your body ready for pregnancy, try not to get upset or discouraged, and be happy for your new niece or nephew.

greeneyed_bride · September 2014

If you are not even trying to get pregnant, it's unrealistic to think that nobody else will get pregnant before you do. (I mean, it's unrealistic even if you ARE trying, too, but especially if you're not.)

And as PP said, most cruise lines won't let you cruise past 24 weeks pregnant (it might be 20 weeks for some.) So planning to "cruise pregnant" may not be an option.

If you had reasons that you planned to wait until next year to start trying, those reasons should still be valid regardless of whether anyone else is pregnant. Stick to your plan, and don't make major life-altering decisions based purely on jealousy.

theholmanherd · September 2014

When you are getting ready to or are TTC, it's hard not to notice everyone else's pregnancies. That being said, you are way overreacting here. I don't know what you need to "finish up" because that sentence was missing a word or two, but stick to your plan. My H and I were impatient at first, too. But you know who suffered the most from our jealousy and frustration? I can promise you it wasn't anyone else...it was us. Plus, you don't know someone else's story. Everyone is in a different place and you can't compare yourself to anyone else. Worry about your journey and be happy for your sister.

sandrabrooke · September 2014

Just remember: you and your sister are not the same person. You don't have the same significant other. As such, your results with getting pregnant will differ.

End of story.

jessicalynn416 · September 2014

theholmanherd said:
When you are getting ready to or are TTC, it's hard not to notice everyone else's pregnancies. That being said, you are way overreacting here. I don't know what you need to "finish up" because that sentence was missing a word or two, but stick to your plan. My H and I were impatient at first, too. But you know who suffered the most from our jealousy and frustration? I can promise you it wasn't anyone else...it was us. Plus, you don't know someone else's story. Everyone is in a different place and you can't compare yourself to anyone else. Worry about your journey and be happy for your sister.

Thank you I needed to hear all of this. I apologize, my first post was on my kindle and it was a little garbled. I rationally know I sound like a spoiled entitled selfish competitive bitch. The good thing is, in reality I am very happy for my sister and can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew. I think the first line of the above post sums it up, it's very tough to see other people have what you want even though the rest of you logically knows it's not your time. My DH and I are both at a point where we want kids like last week but we are in the middle of a few things that it would be easiest to tackle without kids or pregnancy. The cruise was actually planned for that date because we will be done with everything.

I'm totally green with envy, overreacting, and jealous. I definitely don't want to express those things in real life and needed a reality check. We are going to stick with our plan which was to TTC next year but will most likely make our vacation the "start". Her and her husband are great and this timing is right for them. It's just hard to see them going through with what we want but are holding off on even though our path suits us and theirs suits them. Also I didn't know that about cruise lines so thank you for the heads up!

Thank you all for the tough words sometimes you need to hear them! And writing this has definitely helped me sort through my feelings and just get myself ready, see a dr, etc.

sandrabrooke · September 2014

Good luck with everything!

GillianB32 · September 2014

jessjunk88 said:

Thank you I needed to hear all of this. I apologize, my first post was on my kindle and it was a little garbled. I rationally know I sound like a spoiled entitled selfish competitive bitch.

Don't blame yourself! I know how it feels to be a sister in the first place - it's a natural reaction to feel envy sometimes but it quickly passes. I like to do a little excercise of finding 'good news'. For example, in your case:

1. My kid-to-be just got an older brother/sister to play with!

2. My sister and I will have a lot more in common once I get pregnant soon

3. My DH and I just experienced something that brought us closer together as we both shared our concerns

4. I just discovered how unhappy it makes me feel to constantly compare myself with my sister

Hope this helps a bit...Please let us know how you get on!

Michelle N · September 2014

Good luck, and good for you for realizing the problem. You won't be allowed to cruise past 24 weeks on any cruise line, and for very good reason. Even before then, you will need your OB to write a letter saying how far along you are.

I love the PPs advice of focusing on the positive! I wish my LO had cousins (although, I really, really hope that it doesn't happen any time soon, none of my / DH's siblings want kids right now).

jessicalynn416 · September 2014

I realized I was on the cusp of being bsc that's why I got it out. I think even if I had talked to my mom or friends they would have been to close to me to point out just how ridiculous I was being. My DH and I talked more last night and are comfortable with our plans to wait until late March or April to TTC. It will give us time to get squared away and get into optimal health.

As for my meds, I work in a health related field (but not RN, MD or anything like that) so I do have access to information on them that is reliable. One of them is an absolutely do not get pregnant on it. It is a high blood pressure med being used off label for another issue. As I was young and female, my dr made this quite, quite clear when he put me on it. I also discussed it with my PCP after being put on it and need to be off it a minimum of 14 days before getting pregnant but optimally a full cycle. The other meds are contraindicated for pregnancy but he wasn't as worried about them. The only drug I haven't looked into is Ativan as I'm assuming that can't be used. Luckily, that's an as needed not a daily. Thank you all for your advice!

TMos84 · September 2014

I know how you feel and I know how hard it is to wait. But hang in there and stick to your plan. Everyone around me is getting pregnant, and we just can't right now. We have the date set and as much as I want to throw caution to the wind, I can't.

Everything happens for a reason, and your time will come. Enjoy your cruise and look at it as a "last hoorah!" before you get pregnant and have a baby.

MKM2014 · September 2014

I'm glad you're feeling better about this!

DH & I have been together for nearly 5 years, though we just recently married. Initially after our engagement, we talked about TTC right after the honeymoon- marriage brought no surprises for us after more than 4 years of living together. However, when we sat down & looked at things like what our plan would be for childcare & timelines for work & a few debt payments that are scheduled to drop off in early 2016, it just made more sense to wait until the summer. If we had an accidental pregnancy now I think we would both be excited, and we could handle it just fine, but if a difference of 10 months will make a significant difference it's hard to justify TTC right now.

We are looking on the bright side of things & also planning a 2015 vacation. This gives us a whole calendar year of vacation time to use as we please (2014 was my first full calendar year at my place of employment & I had to save all of my vacation days for the month of our wedding. In 2015, my available time doubles, but I would have wanted to save it all for maternity leave if I had a 2015 due date). We also get just a little more time together just the two of us.

I know it can be difficult to wait. My SIL is due at the end of the month and my best friend/MOH announced her pregnancy with baby #2 the week before our wedding. My only close friend who also is not a mom recently moved across the country. I wouldn't say I was jealous of my pregnant & new mom friends, but it definitely hyped up my fever a little bit. SIL's best friend just had her baby & they will be on maternity leave at the same time- I did kind of think "darn, I missed that mark- wish we were all doing this at the same time!"

The feeling passes.

Concentrate on your reasons for waiting & let yourself get excited about the vacation & the things that will become that much harder as your family grows.

jessicalynn416 · September 2014

I think what helped was as I was writing (and crying, I'll admit) I knew I was being a little crazy. I think part of it stems from being emotionally ready to have a baby but timing isn't right to just normal sibling rivalry. It doesn't help that my sister and I are just less than two years apart and and have our birthdays in the same month so we were ways sharing, being compared or jockeying for attention. Hopefully future posts will be more positive!

edited for spelling

:P

DebateThis · September 2014

TMos84 said:

I know how you feel and I know how hard it is to wait. But hang in there and stick to your plan. Everyone around me is getting pregnant, and we just can't right now. We have the date set and as much as I want to throw caution to the wind, I can't.

Everything happens for a reason, and your time will come. Enjoy your cruise and look at it as a "last hoorah!" before you get pregnant and have a baby.

You're new here, so I am going to give you a little piece of advice. Don't ever utter those phrases in relation to TTC again. They are nothing more than false, empty, thoughtless comments that do nothing to comfort the person on the receiving end. For women dealing with infertility (who often don't share their struggles completely), they are like pouring salt in a wound. You cannot guarantee that anyone's "time will come" or that everything happens for a reason. Unexplained infertility quite literally happens for NO reason and for someone to imply that I was supposed to learn some large life lesson from those struggles was awful to hear. I know I am not alone in these sentiments, either, so please take them to heart.

TMos84 · September 2014

Debate This- I see why you chose that name. I may be new here, but I am not an idiot. Obviously that is not something I would have said to someone dealing with infertility issues, but not everyone has those, and that doesn't mean that we have to all tip toe around. There is nothing wrong with thinking positively. And sorry but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to get pregnant with my last husband and THANK GOD I DIDN'T because he was nucking futz :-) . And yes some people just can't have kids and goodness only knows why, and it sucks. It took my best friend years of treatments, but they finally get pregnant, so I prefer to keep a positive outlook on life, especially when there is nothing to indicate the person I addressed this message to is infertile. You need to take a step back and take a deep breath lady and have a wonderful day.

DebateThis · September 2014

14whitney said:

Debate This- I see why you chose that name. I may be new here, but I am not an idiot. Obviously that is not something I would have said to someone dealing with infertility issues, but not everyone has those, and that doesn't mean that we have to all tip toe around. There is nothing wrong with thinking positively. And sorry but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to get pregnant with my last husband and THANK GOD I DIDN'T because he was nucking futz :-) . And yes some people just can't have kids and goodness only knows why, and it sucks. It took my best friend years of treatments, but they finally get pregnant, so I prefer to keep a positive outlook on life, especially when there is nothing to indicate the person I addressed this message to is infertile. You need to take a step back and take a deep breath lady and have a wonderful day.
lol yes I will respond. 1. Ok. But how is telling her that "everything happens for a reason" ok? No, it doesn't. Why do kids die? What's your fucking reason? A past student of mine died this week. He was 7. What is your reason for that? 2. There is nothing wrong with thinking positive. But there is something wrong with lying. How do you know her "time will come". YOU DON'T. That's just a blanket phrase people use to make themselves feel better for "encouraging" someone. 3. What does "I was supposed to get pregnant" even mean? 4. "Some people just can't have kids and goodness only knows why" I thought there was a reason? Are you going to feed the "well sometimes we don't know the reason" bullshit line to me? 5. I'm 24. I'm healthy. My husband is 27. He's a personal trainer. Does anything indicate that we struggle with infertility? Oh. No? Well 14 months later... You don't know if OP will struggle or not*. So stop feeding lies. *OP, I hope you don't have problems with infertility. It's a fucking pain in the ass. Trust science and tests. But, I'm not going to tell her "oh you won't struggle, your time with come, because reasons"

See also: Platitude: A platitude is a trite, meaningless, or prosaic statement, generally directed at quelling social, emotional, or cognitive unease. The word derives from plat, French word for "flat." Platitudes are geared towards presenting a shallow, unifying wisdom over a difficult topic. However, they are too overused and general to be anything more than undirected statements with ultimately little meaningful contribution towards a solution. Examples could be statements such as "Meet in the middle", "Everybody has a right to an opinion", "Everything happens for a reason", "It is what it is", "Do what you can", "Just be yourself", "God works in mysterious ways" and "Nobody's perfect". Platitudes are generally a form of thought-terminating cliché.

TMos84 · September 2014

Wow you all have way to much animosity stored up. Last time I checked this was a babies on the brain forum, and not infertility. And as for "everything happening for a reason" I truly believe that... I have had some crappy things happen to me, and while at the time I thought they were devastating, it turns out they happened for good reason.

What does "I was supposed to get pregnant" even mean? It means my ex and I got to the day I was going off BCP and going to TTC and he lost his job, so we didn't TTC, and thank God we didn't. Best decision of my life. Yes I was devastated at the time, but looking back it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I am not saying that is the case here.

@DebateThis I am sorry you had infertility issues, but you eventually had a child becuase you never gave up hope that IT COULD HAPPEN for you one day. We all have our struggles to bear. That doesn't mean you get to come slam anyone trying to keep a positive outlook on life. Who know maybe my husband and I start TTC next month and it takes a year or 10 or never happens? But I am not/nor should anyone go into TTC and assume the worst.

It's no wonder why people talk about these communities the way they do. Some of you all are more concerned about knocking other members down and being negative than being supportive. There is a difference between constructive criticism and being down right rude and negative.

DebateThis · September 2014

TMos84 said:

Wow you all have way to much animosity stored up. Last time I checked this was a babies on the brain forum, and not infertility. And as for "everything happening for a reason" I truly believe that... I have had some crappy things happen to me, and while at the time I thought they were devastating, it turns out they happened for good reason.

What does "I was supposed to get pregnant" even mean? It means my ex and I got to the day I was going off BCP and going to TTC and he lost his job, so we didn't TTC, and thank God we didn't. Best decision of my life. Yes I was devastated at the time, but looking back it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I am not saying that is the case here.

@DebateThis I am sorry you had infertility issues, but you eventually had a child becuase you never gave up hope that IT COULD HAPPEN for you one day. We all have our struggles to bear. That doesn't mean you get to come slam anyone trying to keep a positive outlook on life. Who know maybe my husband and I start TTC next month and it takes a year or 10 or never happens? But I am not/nor should anyone go into TTC and assume the worst.

It's no wonder why people talk about these communities the way they do. Some of you all are more concerned about knocking other members down and being negative than being supportive. There is a difference between constructive criticism and being down right rude and negative.

Constructive criticism is telling you that the words you're using aren't well received.

GTFO now.

Disneygeek77 · September 2014

She wasn't being rude or negative. She was trying to get you to think outside of yourself, give you some perspective and how to empathize with others.

It's fine for you to be comforted with the " everything happens for a reason " attitude, it that brings you comfort than so be it, but many find that attitude cruel and well...mean. She was just trying to make you aware of that.

So again, you can continue to tell people "everything happens for a reason " but just be aware that you might be deeply hurting people by doing so.

Empireceo · September 2014

In an online community its a mixed crowd. So while maybe in your social circle it is acceptable to say everything happens for a reason, it is generally considered condescending here (like a pat on the head with no real meaning or even empathy behind it.)

MrsRustyGriswold · September 2014

Damnit, this was going so well with a good natured OP and all. Then a looney still had to come in and spew glitter covered bs anyway.

DebateThis · September 2014

MrsMuq said:

TMos84 said:

Wow you all have way to much animosity stored up. Last time I checked this was a babies on the brain forum, and not infertility. And as for "everything happening for a reason" I truly believe that... I have had some crappy things happen to me, and while at the time I thought they were devastating, it turns out they happened for good reason.

What does "I was supposed to get pregnant" even mean? It means my ex and I got to the day I was going off BCP and going to TTC and he lost his job, so we didn't TTC, and thank God we didn't. Best decision of my life. Yes I was devastated at the time, but looking back it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I am not saying that is the case here.

@DebateThis I am sorry you had infertility issues, but you eventually had a child becuase you never gave up hope that IT COULD HAPPEN for you one day. We all have our struggles to bear. That doesn't mean you get to come slam anyone trying to keep a positive outlook on life. Who know maybe my husband and I start TTC next month and it takes a year or 10 or never happens? But I am not/nor should anyone go into TTC and assume the worst.

It's no wonder why people talk about these communities the way they do. Some of you all are more concerned about knocking other members down and being negative than being supportive. There is a difference between constructive criticism and being down right rude and negative.

The bolded. ~X( X(

She didn't eventually get pregnant because she never gave up hope that she one day would. She got pregnant because of the miracle of science and the ability to endure years and years of fertility treatments. Being positive had abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with it. (No offense intended @debatethis - just stating factual info instead of generic, "positive" thoughts being posited.)

And the "things happen for a reason...." I can't even with this level of stupidity. Please explain to me the positive, good reasons why the Holocaust happened, why ISIL is running around beheading people, and blowing up innocent civilians, why serial killers exist, why drunk drivers hit and kill innocent men, women and children every day, why 1 in 5 children in the world will die of starvation. Please, fucking enlighten me, oh positive one.

No offense taken, like by any stretch of imagination. Infertility treatments were pretty much the opposite of hope. Absolutely soul crushing. I was 100% convinced we wouldn't have children, even until LO was born. I came out on the other side but that's because I am stubborn as fuck, not because I believed my time would come or that infertility happened "for a reason". :P

jennypolkadots · September 2014

I understand why people seem irritated by the post, but also I get where OP is coming from. I am 3 years younger than my sister. She is the oldest "kid" on our side of the family and is just in no place to have kids. She has no financial stability, relationship, and is just not ready emotionally at all. I'm 25 and have been married 3 years and we are very stable. We just announced our pregnancy a few months ago and I could tell it bothered her in some way. Jealous is not the right word - it just feels weird when someone is moving through such a big life step earlier than you are. She's not a bad person to feel weird about her little sister being a mom sooner than she is... but with OP your sister was already a mom so that ship sailed a long time ago. I would just focus on how cool it will be to have a cousin so close in age to your LO!

OP - if you are ready for a child that should be considered independently of your sister's pregnancy. I read your post as learning she was pregnant made it feel more real for both of you and you are ready for that next step. My opinion would be to get off of the meds, get off birth control, and use natural family planning to track your cycles. Don't TTC if you aren't sure. Get trip insurance in case you need to cancel. Honestly, if you are like most women, you will probably feel great after the first trimester. I would not be going on a cruise during the first trimester, but absolutely during the second. I feel better than ever at 20 weeks and would happily go on a cruise now.

If you have regular cycles you can get pregnant on the first try. DH and I used NFP for a year before TTC. We planned a trip to Europe to sort of kick off our TTC plans and because my cycles are so regular I was able to plan it for during ovulation. 10 days after getting back I got the BFP. Just don't have unrealistic expectations, because it really can take a while. But many women DO get pregnant the very first month.

DebateThis · September 2014

@Jennypolkadots RTMFP. No one is irritated with the OP. In fact, I think she got pretty close to a round of applause someplace near the bottom of page 1, lol.

jennypolkadots · September 2014

@debatethis - thanks I read the post. The first several posters were pretty harsh. I was just saying I think what she is expressing is very normal

jessicalynn416 · September 2014

@jennypolkadots and everyone else thank you for your kind words. Even though this week started out a little rocky (or a little crazy on my part) it's actually ending really well. DH and I have had several really good in depth conversations about TTC. For the past year he's been saying he's ready whenever I'd said I wanted a baby but it always seemed like he was kind of on the fence. After this week we both know we really are ready and just have a few things to finish up.

Someone up thread posted that because of the rule about not being allowed to cruise past 24 weeks we couldn't start TTC until late November anyways. I have both my derm appt and physical with my PCP before that so I can discuss in detail the meds I'm on. I know at least one is a taper med so you can't just stop taking it. Once I know what I need to do with those meds we're going to discuss again. We're still leaning pretty heavily on waiting to TTC until April but at least we'll know what to do if we decide to start sooner. I did start taking a prenatal this week (I probably should have been on a multi-vitamin before anyways) but I'm thinking we'll keep using BC until we're absolutely sure we're ready in case it does happen right away. We're also keenly aware that it might take awhile or not at all due to family experiences on both sides.

It's a little scary to finally start taking the steps towards trying. I've been on BC for almost 9 years at this point and can barely remember a normal cycle. I do remember crazy mood swings and I was already on BC when I met my husband so this should be interesting!

jennypolkadots · September 2014

@jessjunk88 - I'm glad it is working out for you and the whole thing prompted some good talks

It is scary finally taking steps towards having a baby. I know for me I worried a lot about how long it might take. Then it happened immediately and I was totally freaked out (in a good way though!). It really wasn't until a month after the BFP that it really sunk in that I am going to be someone's mom. Good luck to you and your H, and enjoy that cruise!!

RockOnJessling · September 2014

TBH, I totally understand the jealousy you initially felt. I'm the oldest of 4. I was 4 months prego with what was going to be the first grandchild when my youngest brother told us that he had knocked up some girl and, by the way, their son was born yesterday.

I know I wasn't entitled to birth the first grandkid, but I felt like it was snatched from me by one of the douchiest people I've ever met. (He really is a terrible person. That has nothing to do with sibling rivalry, he just.... Is awful.)

I got over it relatively quickly. I realized that my kid wouldn't be loved less because she wasn't born first and that I was being really rediculous.

stefsann · September 2014

My little sister was about 12 weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant. She already had a baby boy and I thought I would have the first girl. I had a miscarriage when I was 7 weeks. Going to my little sisters baby shower was so hard because I was happy for her and I love my niece, but being around baby things reminds me of the baby I will never have. My husband and I are trying again. My older sister just started trying in July and found out she was pregnant August, and she already has a son also. I get the sibling jealousy thing. I love my sisters and their kids, but I keep getting people asking me, "so when are you going to start popping out little ones". I want to smack them in the head and tell them I've already been trying and lost one, but thanks for making me think about that again.

Gasbarro2011 · September 2014

OP: I understand how you feel about your sister getting pregnant first. We are all human and generally emotional as humans. My DH and I went through similar feelings when my SIL announced her pregnancy on a family vacation last year. She did not plan on ever having kids and we assumed that we would be the only ones providing grandchildren to my in-laws. Admittedly, one of my first reactions was, 'crap, now our child will be the second grandchild.' My DH already feels like his sister is the favorite child so he wasn't too happy at first either. I love my SIL and was really very happy for her, but it did come as a shock and being selfish is a very human trait. I am still very happy for them, and I absolutely love my nephew. Don't feel bad for feeling hurt and needing a cry. No one is perfect, and it is really hard to watch others going through what you hope to go through, but have to wait for.

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