Anxiety toward In Laws

avacek1 · September 2014

Does anyone else experience severe anxiety toward their SO's parents??? DH's dad, step mom and grandmother have been increasingly rude to me since DH and I got married. They make fun of and undermine the choices that I make as a mother, spread rumors that I'm keeping them away from their grandchildren, refer to my sons as turds and shitheads and sometimes just flat out annoy me. DH disagrees with their actions, but doesn't stand up for me to them.

Just thinking about them gives me severe anxiety. (I never had anxiety until these issues started occurring)

Last night this topic came up and DH and I had a calm conversation, but didn't get anything resolved. This morning he ignored me and then texted me once he got to work.
Basically he said that he can't be in a marriage where his wife doesn't get along with his parents and suggested that I go to counseling.
I told him that I would go to therapy, but would like it if he eventually went with me. His response was "I'm not the one that has issues".

Has anyone else dealt with anything similar? I'm at a loss of what to do.

*sorry for the long winded post

Csltdk · September 2014

I wouldn't be in a marriage with someone who allowed their kids to be called shitheads

Csltdk · September 2014

And if "I" have an "issue" it's my husbands issue as well. This is what a marriage is ( to me anyway) I would try to explain that to him- good luck I hope everything works out

avacek1 · September 2014

I've found a therapist and am in the process of setting up an appointment. The really sad part is that DH's father has spoke to him using cuss words his entire life. So to him, his dad calling out sons names is normal.
I was raised in a very religious, loving, yet sheltered family. DH does see the difference and acknowledges that he wants to raise our kids different than he was raised. But he won't say a word to his dad about the name calling.

Huahine · September 2014

With family like that, no wonder he is so shitty to you, he never learned any better. He needs counseling to learn how to be a loyal, loving member of a partnership. Or you could rid yourself of the lot of them and find a new partner with a kind family.

lindslalala · September 2014

Agree with PPs, he needs to go to counseling with you. The fact that he does not have your back with the ILs is unacceptable. I would not let someone who called my kid a shithead be around them, period. You and your children should be his number one priority, not his parents. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

ADC1979 · September 2014

avacek1 said:

Does anyone else experience severe anxiety toward their SO's parents??? DH's dad, step mom and grandmother have been increasingly rude to me since DH and I got married. They make fun of and undermine the choices that I make as a mother, spread rumors that I'm keeping them away from their grandchildren, refer to my sons as turds and shitheads and sometimes just flat out annoy me. DH disagrees with their actions, but doesn't stand up for me to them. Just thinking about them gives me severe anxiety. (I never had anxiety until these issues started occurring) Last night this topic came up and DH and I had a calm conversation, but didn't get anything resolved. This morning he ignored me and then texted me once he got to work. Basically he said that he can't be in a marriage where his wife doesn't get along with his parents and suggested that I go to counseling. I told him that I would go to therapy, but would like it if he eventually went with me. His response was "I'm not the one that has issues". Has anyone else dealt with anything similar? I'm at a loss of what to do. *sorry for the long winded post

I'm sorry, but in what world do in laws call kids turns or shitheads and both parents do nothing? Your hubby is so, so wrong. Verbal abuse is never okay. This is a toxic environment and neither you or the kids should be around it. Limit or cut off ties with the in laws. Your hubby needs to do counseling with you since if he was raised in a toxic environment, he may well propagate it as well.

Katieryan13 · September 2014

I've read a lot of crazy in law stories on TB, but yours might take the cake. I agree with everyone else that your husband needs to go to counseling with you. From what you posted, you are not the problem.

honeybee434 · September 2014

I would probably go to counseling only to get an outside opinion on how to deal with my DH not understanding how important it is for him to standup for you and realize why he shouldn't be letting anyone treat children that way. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it definitely sounds like a situation where he just doesn't understand the damage his parents are doing even though he should because he went through it. Almost like a mini Stockholm Syndeome type thing he has going on with his feelings on it all.

Nichole8787 · September 2014

Heads would fucking roll if anyone called my son a shithead...just saying.

avacek1 · September 2014

Thanks everyone. Like I said in my earlier comment, I will be going to counseling with or without him. He came home acting like nothing happened. I'm very confused and frustrated.

Prncesta · September 2014

I'm sorry your dealing with this but it's completely unacceptable. No one has the right to speak to your children that way and it's unreal that your husband doesn't stick up for them! I would loose it if anyone ever called my child a disrespectful name. It's degrading to them and teaching them bad habits. I'm sure it also affects them mentally.

As far as your husband, he needs to go to therapy too. A marriage is two people who work together and it seems like you're on seperate teams. He needs to change!

Good luck, I hope you find peace in your marriage and work this out.

abundancenow · September 2014

Sounds like he is avoiding dealing with the issue and its easier to blame you then confront the root of the problem. The root of the problem is a lack of respect for family on dh's family side. Since he is not there yet and you are, I say limit your interactions as much as possible with the in laws, put your husband in charge of any interactions that include your children with specific rules, like no name calling. Its reasonable to ask for respect to be given to your children when in the presence of dhs family. As for the gossip and name calling not directly to you or your children, I say, just ignore it, do not accept or acknowledge it. They sound like a toxic bunch, preying on those they see as weaker for power, bullys, and the best way to not be a target is to get out of the way and not give your power to them, even in defense. If dh is a good guy, he will decide to deal with the situation once he realizes you are not going to engage in it for him. Good luck, you married him and feel in love for a reason, and keep focused on those qualities.

jcartz · September 2014

My in-laws cause me a lot of anxiety. They are on the shortlist of things that DH and I fight about... But after 12 years, I realize that I can't fix or change them, I can only change how I react to them. There's no reasoning with crazy. Took a lot of fights, and anxiety to get to this point. Not that I think your DH should condone what they do, but I have finally realized why he doesn't always fight back... He will not get anywhere and just causes even more problems & stress.

In your situation, it seems like it is more of a relationship issue between you and your husband.. Yes, they are assholes for swearing at their own kids and grandkids, but they are still your husband's parents. The two of you should be able to communicate about this in person, not over text, and be a united front.

Good luck.

TexasGirl81 · September 2014

My H has a crazy/annoying/dickhead stepfather. When I first met him I knew he was trouble. His mouth is horrible!! He's even made me cry. H told me not worry that he's like that to everyone. I soon realized that he was. H and him have actually been in fist fights.

One day I said to myself just fuck this shit. I'm tired of feeling bullied by him. So from that day forward anything he said I literally said it right back. If he says "oh looks like you missed a few days in the gym" I would say "love that beer belly, it matches your face".

Now I know that may not be your character but it helped me. If those dipshits were to call our baby a "shithead", I would say, yes, shitheads just like your grandparents. Awwww!!! It was so weird. Once I started doing that to him, he now treats me with so much more respect. Some people are just like that, they push buttons and they want people to play back.

Again, I know this may not be for you but I worked for me. I hope things get better. You don't need therapy, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Those turds!! Give em all a slap in the face with your words and see how they react!

avacek1 · September 2014

Thank you for all the advice. I try really hard to not let their gossip and what not bother me and hopefully counseling will help me handle it better. DH said that it hurts his feelings that I don't get along with his parents.. If you take DH's parents out of the equation, we have a great relationship. I don't want them to tear us apart, but I also don't want to battle this forever.

avacek1 · September 2014

DH and I talked a lot this weekend. He was physically and verbally abused by his mom. So compared to his mom, his dad was a "great parent". Due to this, he said that he has a hard time confronting his dad in feat of hurting his feelings. DH also claims that he has talked to his dad about some these issues, but nothing has changed so he doesn't see the point in badgering him about it.
All in all, we were able to talk it all out without fighting, but we don't have a solution. I feel that DH should support me and our boys over his parents and DH says that can't choose between his parents and us. DH agreed that if we don't fix this issue, we will end up divorced because it's an issue that will always be present.
Like I said above, I will be going to therapy starting this week and hopefully I can get DH to go eventually.

avacek1 · September 2014

I've brought that up to DH. The problem is that this weekend is DS2's baptism so the in laws will be there. Also, DH invited them to come stay with us to see the boys the first weekend in October. I told him that I don't want to be around them at all and DH's response was that he doesn't want to live one life with his parents and a separate life with me.

ghostof5letters · September 2014

ghostof5letters · September 2014

You have a husband problem, not an inlaw problem.

avacek1 · September 2014

@ghostof5letters‌ its hard to face that reality.

1982Babies · September 2014

ghostof5letters said:

You have a husband problem, not an inlaw problem.

yup.

Was he like this before you married him?

avacek1 · September 2014

While I was naive in thinking that his family wouldn't affect our marriage, his parents were nice to me back then. I knew they were very different from my family, but I didn't have a reason to think that they would end up acting this way. DH and I were never in a situation like this before we got married. Besides the issues with his parents, we get along great.

cuntasaurusrex · September 2014

Your husband needs to remove his head from his father's dickhole and be a man who stands by his family. If he can't do that, you're better off finding someone who will. Otherwise your kids run the risk of becoming turds and shitheads who belittle their family, too.

katnipeverclean · September 2014

I do not care whose baptism was when and what had already been promised. We'd be slurping popsicles in hell before people who previously called my children shitheads were allowed around them ever again. There would be some serious talks and some major rules laid down before I would even consider it.

Sorry that they are such assholes. They suck, but I think the bigger problem is your husband and his inability to 1) realize that his parents are being horrible to his wife and children and 2) grow a pair and stand up for his wife and children.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

ghostof5letters said:

You have a husband problem, not an inlaw problem.

Agreed. He should 100% put you and your children first.

I'm glad you're getting counseling, but it really sounds like your DH has a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood that are now negatively impacting his adulthood. I hope he will join you in counseling (either together or on his own) soon.

jensavicci · September 2014

Sounds like you need to pack a bag and GTFO. That whole family seems fucked up. No way in the world I would allow anyone to call my kids "shitheads" or anything similar. And if my spouse could not stand up for our kids with his own damn parents, I would question how he'd handle future problems with the children. Like bullying. What happens if your children get bullied? Is it their problem then? How can your kids look up to him and trust that he's got their backs in the future? How are you supposed to trust that he'll ever stand up for you? Has he ever stood up for you? I hope that in the past he actually owned a pair of balls and that very soon, he'll get them back.

So sad

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I really am!

TallMomma29 · September 2014

milestrellas said:
Your husband is willing to divorce you so as to not hurt his dad's feelings? Yeah, he needs serious therapy.

This. Have you pointed this out to your DH? He would really rather divorce you and break up the home for his children than tell his family to stop verbally abusing his wife and kids??

avacek1 · September 2014

@TallMomma29‌ I don't think I have put it in those terms. We've discussed and discussed the issue, but I need to lay that point out for him. Knowing that he would rather leave his wife and kids rather than stand up to his parents might be the slap of reality that he needs.

TugboatSheila · September 2014

And if you think about it, staying in this environment just keeps this cycle going.

It won't be too far down the line when your kids learn that THIS is how you behave and might start emulating or accepting this treatment.

Something needs to be done to stop the cycle.

ghostof5letters · September 2014

Was your husband always like this? How did wedding planning go for you? Is this out of the blue or has he always put his parents before you?

avacek1 · September 2014

@ghostof5letters‌ We didn't experience anything like this before we were married. Somewhere along the way, DH's stepmom decided that she didn't like me and started making ridiculous claims to others about me. Of course then, those people would relay what was said to me. It started getting worse when DS1 was born. DH's parents say that I was "keeping their grand baby away from them" when they never made an effort to see come see DS1. They hardly ever make these comments in front of DH so then he says that is my word against their's because he didn't hear it first hand.

I'm sorry if this is just a ramble. I have a ton of thoughts and emotions running crazy.

1982Babies · September 2014

avacek1 said:

@ghostof5letters‌ We didn't experience anything like this before we were married. Somewhere along the way, DH's stepmom decided that she didn't like me and started making ridiculous claims to others about me. Of course then, those people would relay what was said to me. It started getting worse when DS1 was born. DH's parents say that I was "keeping their grand baby away from them" when they never made an effort to see come see DS1. They hardly ever make these comments in front of DH so then he says that is my word against their's because he didn't hear it first hand. I'm sorry if this is just a ramble. I have a ton of thoughts and emotions running crazy.

I think you should tell them to fuck off if they're going to call your children shitheads. With that attitude, they deserve no visitation.

ghostof5letters · September 2014

At this point in time, I'd be like "you're damn right I'm keeping them from you. Psycho hoesbeast"

[Deleted User] · September 2014

I have to wonder how he would feel if one day his kids found out their parents' marriage fell apart because he wouldn't stick up for them and their mother.

I think these are questions you need to pose to him, very bluntly, because that's how things are going to end up if he can't get his act together.

Csltdk · September 2014

On a side note- I'm so happy to see @aliletz‌ and her words are back. I used dickhole 3x today

avacek1 · September 2014

@MSUDucks‌ I feel the same way and have expressed that to DH. I just don't understand his thinking right now and am so glad that I have you ladies to use as a sounding board. PPD and marriage issues turning me into a basket case.

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