Known Donor?

candc12 · September 2014

Just curious if anyone has used a known donor and if they have any advice for how to ask someone who is a friend but not a best friend or any advice in general. Honestly, we're exploring all options (known and unknown) and would love to hear other's experiences and what factors they considered.

Thanks!

mallory4284 · September 2014

I wish we knew someone well enough to have a known donor... But the only male I'm even remotely "friends" with, I haven't talked to in years.... So it'd be awkward to contact him out of the blue to ask that. Not to mention he's gay, so he and his BF will prob start a family before too long, so I'd feel weird asking before they even had a chance to have kids

(Eta because my fingers got away from me and decided to post before I was done)

Amber&Reva · September 2014

I didn't use a known donor but I know a couple of the posters on here did and will likely chime in. I just wish you luck in whatever decision that you two make.

Officerofthelaw · September 2014

My wife and I picked a known donor but not someone we knew. The sperm bank allows you to have a known donor so when the child turns of age, they can contact their donor. As far as using a donor you actually know in person...like anything there are pros and cons. If the pros outweigh the cons for you and your partner then do it. Cons: relationship between you and the donor changes whether you want it to or not. There is more legal paperwork that has to be done so the donor does not take on any parental rights, they have to be available whenever you ovulate, your child may get close to that donor if they are a close friend which in turn can cause issues, there are more cons. Pros: cheaper (hopefully if you have a nice friend), sperm is fresh and not frozen, comes in large quantities and always available. Good luck to you!

Jazibel · September 2014

We used a known donor for a variety of reasons, including saving money and wanting to have someone in our kids lives as they grew up in a "distant uncle" way. We had talked about it on and off for years but could never think of the right person. Finally after an IUI that I timed incorrectly (we were doing un-medicated, un-monitored IUI's with a midwife in our home). I was ready to throw in the towel. The stress of having to be super accurate for an IUI with frozen sperm was getting to me. Fresh sperm can live for 5 days, I wanted that kind of leeway.Plus our IUI's were pricy and out of pocket. EV suggested our donor E. He's a friend in our friend circle who used to date another female friend of ours. We don't see him often perhaps a couple times a year which was perfect because we didn't want to have to change a relationship with someone we were closer too. He's a funny and open-minded person which was critical because making TTC arrangements with a person is very personal and can be awkward, we needed someone who could laugh it off. Also for us we wanted someone who was not in a relationship. We felt it would complicate matters if the guy was. BUT again this was our personal list. We have friends that have used KDs that were married, or were family (of the non-carrying partner).

I was sooo nervous to ask. I decided to send a Facebook message so that he could read it and have whatever reaction he wanted without us as a witness. I started my message something like: "this is probably the strangest question someone has ever asked you but...." Then described in very brief general terms what we were thinking. He replied that, This might seem crazy but he had actually been asked before (but had declined). Anyway long story short, we met over coffee, had a casual conversation about what our expectations were, his perspective (he had talked to his family, friends and teachers about it in order to bounce around the idea). He had himself tested, we signed paperwork. And the next cycle (less then 2 weeks after my first contact) we were driving to his house to receive our "fishies" as we called it and do ICI's in his bachelor pad while he went for a walk. Not what we were envisioning when we'd first started TTC long before. BUT we got pregnant on the first try (we did 4 ICI's that week). We paid him $100 each session for his time and the commitment. Our previous OOP costs were about $1200-$1500 per IUI. He was super flexible with us and that was very helpful. Every time we were departing he would say "You're totally pregnant I can tell." I loved having his "good vibes" wishing us luck. E was also our donor for #2 and again we got pregnant on the first try, we did 3 ICI's that time 2 of which we back-to-back with a friend whom we shared our donor with. Yes we invited E over to the crazy lesbian pad (2 couples, and 2 one-year-olds in a small San Francisco apartment. We were sharing our donor with our friends and my friend K happened to ovulate the same week as I did (and we were visiting them for a few weeks) :-) Anyway we both got pregnant that cycle, though K's was a chemical pregnancy. She got pregnant the next cycle and her daughter was born in June.

Ok - this is probably way more information than you wanted to know :-)

All in all I love having a KD, its great to see him on rare occasion and to know that our kiddos will have more contact with him should they want it. He's super respectful of our family and of EV. He doesn't consider himself a "parent" in any sense of the word. It is a little strange because Owen's smile looks just like him. So that makes me think of him more, but not in a bad way.

My advice if you're asking a couple ask both partners simultaneously. Have documents created to release liability and rights, and maintain a sense of humor about the situation because its extremely "intimate" but also very effective.

bfonz619 · September 2014

DW and I are in our first cycle of at home AI using a known donor. We met with our donor on two occasions to discuss everyone's expectations, answer questions and arrange how we would coordinate inseminations. I agree with @jazibel's advice and cannot stress the importance of ensuring you have all of your ducks in a row where release and liability is concerned, and humor in the process is definitely key! Good luck to you!

redrockmama · September 2014

We first attempted to use a known donor and our experience is pretty similar to jazibel's. He was a good friend, but one who lived on the other side of the country. It was ideal for us because we didn't want him to be in our kids' lives on an everyday basis. I don't remember exactly what we said, we spent months agonizing over what to say. Eventually we sat down on a saturday night and wrote an email that more or less said that we were wanting to start a family and would like to know if he would be willing to consider starting a conversation about helping us in the way of being a donor. We sent it before we could change our minds and over analyze it. We weren't thinking that he always has his phone and thus email constantly updating, oops. He was out with friends for a drink and had to go home early.

So, don't send the email on Friday or Saturday night

He was soo happy to help us and was really excited and so were we. It didn't end of working out for a couple of reasons and we are okay with that. Sometimes I wish we had used a known donor, but we did end up using a willing to be known donor so our kids can at least contact him when they are 18 if they want.

Oh, we did also ask another friend, but we ended up getting pregnant that cycle with frozen so we didn't use him either. He is my wife's good friend and he had previously offered so J just called him and asked him if that was still on the table. He and his partner were in town, so we all went to dinner and talked about it. His partner wasn't very comfortable with it initially, mostly because he wants kids and would want more of a parent role. They talked later and called us to say were ready and sooo happy to donate, but then like I said we got our BFP.

Advice: just do what feels right. We didn't outright ask either of them to donate, we just asked if they would be willing to start a conversation about it. I think that made it seem less overwhelming. With the first guy we had probably over 5 in depth skype and email convos over the course of a couple of months talking about all the logistics and details before any testing was done and donor contracts were written up. Don't rush into it, you want to make sure to cover all your bases so to speak, not just legally but in terms of what you all want things to look like now and in the future. It was a lot easier and less scary than we had made it out to be. Good luck!

Twochickshavinachick · September 2014

We got off to a bumpy start, after A's brother - who had volunteered to be a donor at the time she came out - first agreed to work with us and then got married. To be fair, he had been single at the time he agreed and the marriage happened very fast (mark-your-calendars fast, if you get my meaning)

The donor we eventually decided to work with volunteered himself, after I had vented to him about the amount of money we would be spending (because our national health service states clearly in their terms of condition that they will not subsidise fertility treatments for same sex couples)

We had been out drinking at the time and so, as frustrating as it was, A and I suggested he take some time to think about it. We explained we were looking for the proverbial cup of sugar and not a parent and that we could only proceed if he was able to agree to this. We briefly outlined the lifestyle changes he would have to make for the period we were trying and the possibility that this could take a long while. We explained the blood work and health tests we would need and the importance of safe sex with any partners he took during this period.

As you can see, we had quite the fun discussion over our mojitos that night. But it was vitally important for everyone concerned that he have the facts before he made a decision of this magnitude. Just to make sure he knew we were serious, before we went our separate ways for the night we gave him a list of websites to check out (because I always carried the ttc planner with me in those days) and let him know that we would be happy to talk over any questions that he might have.

He took about three weeks to come to us with his decision, which we considered a good indicator that he'd done his research and thought it through. From there we were able to proceed smoothly to tests and paperwork. It may have been a difficult discussion but in the end, we were able to proceed knowing that everyone was in agreement and working with full cooperation.

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