Tacky Things?

kimberpoo · September 2014

Kind of a throwback to our good old baby shower days...

Just got a Facebook invite to a shower for DH's cousin. That she is hosting herself. For her 2nd child. Her first is just shy of 3 yrs old, and the same sex. And she just aborted a baby last year. All conceived from different guys. And she just moved into DH's grandpa's house, against grandpa's wishes...but he wouldn't turn her out on the street. And she refuses employment, even though DH has found her several full time, well-paying jobs with benefits. And she lived down the street from us for years but refused to visit or even wave back when we waved to her.

And she just let me know that she is registered at Target and Babies R Us. You know, so I know where to buy her stuff from.

Anyone else have anything tacky to share???????

angelsnight · September 2014

I know ettiquette says you supposedly have a year to send thank yous for a wedding. But my SIL doesn't work and they have no kids yet. It's been six months since the wedding and no thank yous yet. We've also only seenabout a dozen wedding pics out of 100's LO was only two weeks old so the photographer had fun shooting her and I'd love to see them and all the other pics

babylimas · September 2014

I never send thank you notes. I am the epitome of tacky in that regard. I actually wrote them all for my wedding and then just never mailed them. I should be stoned.

kelley72 · September 2014

ugh @babylimas I can relate. I had my baby shower thank you's written and sitting for a few weeks. I just hated to go and buy stamps... lazy! I finally mailed them but Levi was certainly born and ?weeks old.

I don't get my feathers ruffled easily by etiquette of others. I have way to much real life to take care of, and have my own deficiencies of character so

mfarmer0811 · September 2014

The biggest I've seen lately was a girl on a moms board on Facebook asking if she should set up at go fund me account for her out of town family and friends or just ask for gift cards!!!

babylimas · September 2014

kelley72 said:

ugh @babylimas I can relate. I had my baby shower thank you's written and sitting for a few weeks. I just hated to go and buy stamps... lazy! I finally mailed them but Levi was certainly born and ?weeks old.

I don't get my feathers ruffled easily by etiquette of others. I have way to much real life to take care of, and have my own deficiencies of character so

So true - "deficiencies of character." HA!

Mcsweets · September 2014

Are you related to my DH?

defri17 · September 2014

My cousin is getting married in 2016 and just told us all about her wedding plans. We live in the northern US, so our winters are horrible; feet upon feet of snow horrible. She is planning a January wedding at a venue 3 hours north of the metro, so even further than that for a lot of guests. Additionally, she doesn't feel the need to serve a dinner to those who attend, and only wants to serve some "light apps".

So you're asking people to drive 3+ hours north in the winter/snow in January. They'll also have to spend at least one night in a hotel, due to the drive and conditions post-wedding. You're then additionally expecting them to bring you a gift, and you're not going to feed them? Eek.

ggatlanta · September 2014

angelsnight said:
I know ettiquette says you supposedly have a year to send thank yous for a wedding.

What? No. Where did you hear that?

You have one year to SEND a gift. Not to write the note. At least, according to Emily Post / Amy Vanderbilt. Once you get a gift you write a note promptly, as in, before washing it and putting it away the first time.

babylimas · September 2014

The really sad thing y'all should know about me in light of my confession. I come from very old school southern people. I'm staring at 2 copies of Peggy Post (Emily is outdated y'all) on my bookshelf. My kids will attend cotillion. Alas. I suck.

angelsnight · September 2014

ggatlanta said:

I know ettiquette says you supposedly have a year to send thank yous for a wedding.
What? No. Where did you hear that? You have one year to SEND a gift. Not to write the note. At least, according to Emily Post / Amy Vanderbilt. Once you get a gift you write a note promptly, as in, before washing it and putting it away the first time.

I have no idea where I heard it, but I think it is a common misconception. However I always thought t was ridiculous, proper ettiquette or not.

SurpriseAt39 · September 2014

My family always just did verbal thank yous.
I don't remember ever receiving a card or note from anyone for a shower gift or wedding gift.
If I had, I probably would have thought they were wasting money and killing unnecessary trees.

Now-a-days, I'm happy with a verbal thanks, email or Facebook.

amybug13 · September 2014

I am THE worst at TYN.

I have every intention of sending them out but they never make it to the mail.
Flame away.

fish8412 · September 2014

bsouls said:
I didn't really know a lot about ettiquette until I was pregnant and then I keep researching proper ettiquette for different things due to my social anxiety. I think thank you notes are a nice way to thank people, because people like to be appreciated and people like receiving mail (and, USPS needs stuff to deliver). Plus, I like stamps and gets a good way to get fun ones out there - they cost the same price as a boring flag. I'm not opposed to emails or Facebook messages - I just don't necessarily want to get into an exchange with people and prefer not to feel the need to reply back.

I was surprised to read that sending registry info with a wedding invitation is tacky. You're supposed to send a present ASAP and, I didn't realize that you're sort of obligated by social protocol to send a present even if you're declining. There seems to be so many rules with weddings that I'm not sure I can handle having one.

I sent a thank you note for a card/money that T received a few weeks ago from like, her great-great step aunt. I included a birth announcement since I have extras. She sent me back a thank you not for the announcement. Now, am I supposed to send a thank you note to thank her for complimenting my baby's cuteness? This is broaching pen pal status. (I am not sending a thank you note)

Hahaha that is a lot of thank you notes! I think it's odd to send a thank you for a birth announcement. Maybe she is just bored?

defri17 · September 2014

I thought within 6 months was the timeline to send wedding TYN... oh well. You're likely to offend almost anyone these days, it seems.

babylimas · September 2014

@rad&co - if it makes you feel better, I wouldn't even notice.

I can't think of any gift giving situations in my life since I have already had my first child and been married for 9 years. All that is past. I definitely don't have a tally of people who didn't give me a gift for something!

defri17 · September 2014

I just had a new FB post show up on my newsfeed that may fit this tacky thread...

A girl I went to school with just had her first baby a few days ago. She just posted a link to a Meal Train website so people can sign up to bring them dinner...

I mean, I appreciated people who brought over lunch or dinner when they visited and LO was a newborn, but a website to register your meals? I don't know... they're more than well off, and this just rubbed me the wrong way.

Thoughts?

YankeePeach08 · September 2014

all y'all are making me clutch my pearls

babylimas · September 2014

@defri17 - my group of friends always use websites, but we never do it ourselves! Someone else sets it up and organizes it for you through a website.

@yankeepeach08 - I clutch my pearls at myself. I just can't change.

kimberpoo · September 2014

YankeePeach08 hahahaha love that!

defri17 I wouldn't post that kind of thing for myself. it's a nice idea but it should really be organized by someone else, like a gift. asking others to pay for your meals seems tacky to me.

I've seen friends of new moms post meal sites like that and encourage other friends to sign up if they'd like, which was nice and a good idea. I'd frown on the mtb asking for meals like that though. maybe sending the link to someone who asked for it would be fine.

SurpriseAt39 · September 2014

Okay, okay...

I've gotta add this....
I think it's rude to get upset at the woman for her lack of proper etiquette regarding TYNs if she fails at sending them in a timely manner.
Why?
Because the man (husband or father) could do this job. He's the husband...he received the gift too...

I HATE stereotypes.
My DH can shop for and send a thank you card just as easily as I can...

(We didn't send thank-yous for our wedding)

katka512 · September 2014

SurpriseAt39 said:

Okay, okay... I've gotta add this.... I think it's rude to get upset at the woman for her lack of proper etiquette regarding TYNs if she fails at sending them in a timely manner. Why? Because the man (husband or father) could do this job. He's the husband...he received the gift too... I HATE stereotypes. My DH can shop for and send a thank you card just as easily as I can... (We didn't send thank-yous for our wedding)

DH wrote the thank you notes to his friends and family for our wedding and baby gifts. I wrote them for mine. It was a good way for both of us to be involved.

SurpriseAt39 · September 2014

katka512 said:

DH wrote the thank you notes to his friends and family for our wedding and baby gifts. I wrote them for mine. It was a good way for both of us to be involved.

I was hoping someone would say their husband did them, or at least shared the responsibility.

Good for your DH.

YankeePeach08 · September 2014

this may be tacky, but I wrote many of our wedding TYN before the wedding and before we received wedding gifts.

I assumed certain people would give us a gift so I wrote the note and just left a spot to fill in what they specifically gave us.

I also wrote a bunch ahead of time that were nameless TYs for cash/check and anyone that gave us cash I just put their name on it and put it in the mail.

I guess it was presumptuous on my part but it didn't take that long and I was glad to have it over. Also, not gonna lie I kinda felt like superwoman when people were receiving TYN less than a week after our wedding.

Kewii · September 2014

I do thank you notes, but I would also be ok if someone thanked me in person/over the phone. For me it's about the acknowledgement, especially since I live away from my family.

If I take the time to get you something, you can take the time to acknowledge it in some way.

katka512 · September 2014

Kewii said:
I do thank you notes, but I would also be ok if someone thanked me in person/over the phone. For me it's about the acknowledgement, especially since I live away from my family.

If I take the time to get you something, you can take the time to acknowledge it in some way.

I agree with this. Also, if I mailed a gift a thank you is the only way I know if the person actually received it. I doesn't matter whether it's a note, phone call, text etc but I like to know the gift arrived.
I will also teach LO to write thank you notes. I remember doing them after my bday parties when I was little and i want to pass on that lesson.

Babybeachbum · September 2014

Here's a different kind of tacky, lol. I'm in my friends wedding next month. I just got the call my dress is in and asked her if she wanted to go with me and LO to pick it up. She said yes then said that me and LO should come to her house after and we'll have lunch.
I just spoke with her and she needs to go to the grocery store to pick up dinner and said for me to get the dress and try it on at her house after. She then said she premakes salads for the week and puts them in separate containers for her lunch throughout the week, as in she is having her Thursday salad and doesn't have enough for me. Then she said she has only 2 pieces of ham for her sandwich but has a ton of bread and has mustard. So what am I going to eat a mustard sandwich or toast?? I told her I'd just pack a salami sandwich bc I went shopping yesterday. She then asks me to bring her salami bc she'd rather have that then ham!!! My head was spinning when we hung up. Did that really just happen?? You invite me over for lunch but aren't providing lunch, instead you like my lunch better and I need to bring you lunch??
I'm thinking of canceling...

kimberpoo · September 2014

Babybeachbum oh my gosh what?? haha. I don't even understand how she came up with that or that all happened!

I'd totally cancel, unless it's a very very close friend.

Babybeachbum · September 2014

Lol, LO actually fell asleep right before we were about to leave. He's been fussy and really didn't nap well this am so I let him sleep and cancelled. He's still sleeping!!! I ate my salami sandwich and salad that I made and then joined him for a quick nap!! When he wakes I'll pick up my dress and come home before rush hour. I'm not getting stuck in traffic to show her the dress, lol

ggatlanta · September 2014

babylimas said:
The really sad thing y'all should know about me in light of my confession. I come from very old school southern people. I'm staring at 2 copies of Peggy Post (Emily is outdated y'all) on my bookshelf. My kids will attend cotillion. Alas. I suck.

Um, Emily Post is NEVER outdated.

Team PDC here. (That's Pre-Debutante Cotillion for the uninitiated.)

ggatlanta · September 2014

SurpriseAt39 said:
Okay, okay...

I've gotta add this....
I think it's rude to get upset at the woman for her lack of proper etiquette regarding TYNs if she fails at sending them in a timely manner.
Why?
Because the man (husband or father) could do this job. He's the husband...he received the gift too...

I HATE stereotypes.
My DH can shop for and send a thank you card just as easily as I can...

(We didn't send thank-yous for our wedding)

Except wedding gifts are TO THE BRIDE. If the couple later divorces, the gifts are not subject to the division of property in many states and are automatically considered the wife's property, so this is not just an outdated way of thinking but a legal precedent. My husband doesn't write thank-yous for my birthday gifts nor I for his.

Honestly how embarrassing not to have thanked people for their gifts. Incredibly rude.

mfarmer0811 · September 2014

ggatlanta said:

SurpriseAt39 said:
Okay, okay...

I've gotta add this....
I think it's rude to get upset at the woman for her lack of proper etiquette regarding TYNs if she fails at sending them in a timely manner.
Why?
Because the man (husband or father) could do this job. He's the husband...he received the gift too...

I HATE stereotypes.
My DH can shop for and send a thank you card just as easily as I can...

(We didn't send thank-yous for our wedding)
Except wedding gifts are TO THE BRIDE. If the couple later divorces, the gifts are not subject to the division of property in many states and are automatically considered the wife's property, so this is not just an outdated way of thinking but a legal precedent. My husband doesn't write thank-yous for my birthday gifts nor I for his.

Honestly how embarrassing not to have thanked people for their gifts. Incredibly rude.

Ummmmm all of OUR wedding gifts were to US!! My husband uses ALL of our wedding things. I've never heard anyone say wedding gifts were just for the bride?!?! I know it's a "bridal" shower, but my husband came to our showers and thanked everyone. He also helped me put away "our" items and below sort through the cards to write the Thank-You's.

Khope87 · September 2014

UK input: birthday gifts are thanked for in person if received in person. If sent in mail a phone call or note.

Wedding gifts are given at the wedding here and are given to both the husband and wife. We shared the thank you notes (I did two thirds and my husband did a third of them). I did the ones to my family and our friends and he did his family's one. Worked for us! Same goes for the christening gifts.

Baby showers are actually deemed pretty tacky here...... Don't hate me!!! So gifts are given when you meet the baby (so come in over the first few weeks or even months) so are written as they come. No registries for babies, parents buy everything, but generally close family help out when they can (everyone loves a baby afterall!!) and gifts are usually clothes (people are pretty good and buy a range of sizes not all newborn which you are likely to have). Men having nappy parties is definitely a no-go..... Haha!

Back to weddings.... Women have hen nights where you party!! But no gifts are given. Men have stag dos and again no gifts....

pepperedmoth · September 2014

I'm camp @babylimas. I try to be good about TYN, but I suck at it. (@laura8388, I have a card for you and everything....sitting here.... I'll mail it out Monday! I swear!)

I am SO RELIEVED at the idea that people who are mad about me not sending notes will just stop sending gifts. THANK HEAVENS. I would rather not be under all that pressure.

My family always did phone calls/verbal thanks so the note thing only started for me when I got married. I guess you have to start young....

babylimas · September 2014

As usual I'm incredibly behind. Just want to note that wedding gifts are 100% subject to equitable division in my state. They are considered marital property and not the wife's. No legal precedence in my southern state.

And the Emily post being outdated was tongue in cheek. Alas, if people only understood that 99% of what I say is a joke.

yalllow · September 2014

I was invited to a very close friend's future daughter in law's bridal shower and the wedding. I have yet to receive TY for the shower and have not received any TY for the wedding. I really want to email my close friend and say "Does your DIL have our address for thank yous? .... because we haven't received one yet and I was wondering if she had my address...." something to that effect. Is that tacky? To ask for a thank you? Grinds my gears. You spend the time to find a sitter, time to buy the gift, time to drive to the stupid thing., etc. SAY Thank You!

legallyginger · September 2014

lovethatdirtywater said:

ggatlanta said:

Except wedding gifts are TO THE BRIDE.If the couple later divorces, the gifts are not subject to the division of property in many states and are automatically considered the wife's property, so this is not just an outdated way of thinking but a legal precedent. My husband doesn't write thank-yous for my birthday gifts nor I for his.
Citation for this? I've never heard that, and am hard pressed to believe it.

Also, what's with the snotty attitude?

Doesn't look like it's the law in Georgia, which I'm assuming is where she's from. Wedding gifts are to the couple, and therefore subject to equitable division, unless specifically intended for only one spouse. Which the gift giver would have to attest to.

Even gifts to one spouse can be turned into marital property if the recipient spouse treats it as marital property.

/law nerd

katka512 · September 2014

bsouls said:
@yallow it is tacky, but if it's a very close friend then you might want to mention that you have not received thank you notes. If her son and DIL are young then she might want to remind them as to not piss off others. But, I think saying something would depend on your relationship.

Agree. While I think it's tacky to ask if they have your address for thank yous, I don't think it's tacky to ask if they received your gift. Especially since she's your close friend.

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