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Friend Troubles--3rd grade girl

WBs_BrideWBs_Bride member
in School-Aged Children
Hi--let me preface this by saying it is long. For that I apologize and thanks for reading if you make it through!
My DD is in third grade. She had been close friends with one girl since K, I'll call her Heather. Heather's mom and I have also gotten pretty close over the past 3 years as well. We've done lots of things, both with the kids and separately, in school and outside of school, socially. Our girls have always gotten along. Heather's mom and I have confided in each other a lot about our daughters and school, since our kids were both new to the school at the same time and we just naturally clicked. Heather's mom has mentioned many times in the past how thankful she is that my DD is Heather's friend (surviving other friend issues in K and first grade).
I started noticing Heather acting kind of strange around my DD starting mid-last year. Unless you want all the details, basically, Heather is now only nice to my DD when no one else is around. Heather ignores my DD and excludes her from play with others--basically blocking her out--at different events. I've seen it happen so can attest that this is indeed what is happening. My DD is crushed, saying Heather was always her best friend and wondering why she's acting this way towards her. I have just been telling her to play with the other girls who are always nice to her, as those are her true friends--not the ones that are your friends only some of the time. Funny, that's exactly what Heather's mom told her DD, using my DD as an example of a good friend, when we had all the issues in 1st grade.
I know that kids grow apart and friends change, especially at this age, and that is fine. Not that it doesn't SUCK to have it happen with your kid being "ditched by her best friend" (her own words). Her heart as well as mine are broken over it. However, I still am close with Heather's mom. In fact, I am going to their house tonight for a meeting for a school committee we are on together. I am 99% sure that her mom does not know this is going on, and would be really upset to know how Heather has been treating my DD. I have pretty much decided that I'm not going to say anything to her. Honestly though, I think she would probably be upset with me for not saying anything to her about it. I know if the situation were reversed, I would want to know and would talk to my DD about how she was treating her friends. But at the same time, I feel like it would make things worse for my DD, if Heather "gets in trouble" or whatever. If it comes up in some way (like if H's mom did notice something), I think I will say something, but maybe not--I just don't know. What would you do in this situation? Again, I'm 99% certain I'm not going to say anything and chalk it up to "my kid has to deal with this eventually." I just fear that if Heather's mom finds out, she will seriously be pissed that I didn't say something to her about it. UGH. Anyone go through a similar situation? Or WWYD?
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Re: Friend Troubles--3rd grade girl

  • neverblushedneverblushed member
    Woo -- that's complicated!

    I suspect your DD and "Heather" are naturally growing apart.  It's hard when one friend is ready to let go but the other friend is not.  It seems like that's the situation these girls are in.  I think you can make this easier on yourself and your DD if you try to see this through the lens of "growing apart" instead of thinking of Heather as a mean kid who is doing something that her mother needs to be told about.  Here's how I'd handle it with both your DD and with Heather's mom:

    DD -- encourage her to make new friends, initiate playdates and activities with other girls in her class.  Don't try to make it work out with Heather.  Help her understand that friendships change, and that this is natural.  Allow her to grieve the friendship she's losing.  Show her some TLC, but don't bash Heather in her presence.

    Heather's Mom -- if you want to stay friends with Heather's mom, even if your girls grow apart, it is possible.  I would not "tattle" on Heather to her mom.  IF Heather's mom mentions it, I would just say, "Yes, it seems like our girls are growing apart a little.  I'm sure they can still be friendly, if not BFFs.  These things happen as girls grow.  Thank goodness we're adults, right?"    Of course, if you don't want to be friends with Heather's mom, that's fine, too.  Just begin distancing yourself and decline her invitations.  She'll get the hint.
    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
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  • WBs_BrideWBs_Bride member
    Thanks for your reply and good advice. You are right--I was viewing it as an affront. Thanks for cementing my decision to keep my mouth shut. The whole thing might even blow over. Last night her mom said H wanted to invite DD along with a bunch of the girls to a baseball game next week. Which is great, but I can't help but wonder who is truly initiating the invite--H or her mom. I guess time will tell! Thanks again.
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