Am I going to be a single mom?

Erichandme · September 2014

I need some advice ladies. I know that pregnancy hormones can make you crazy, but I'm having a hard time telling if this is the hormones or if I should really leave. I am getting the advice of two counselors on this, but hearing from other moms would really help me. I got pregnant within two weeks of dating my boyfriend. Ooops... And now I have realized that he has a drinking problem that he refuses to admit and is controlling. He doesn't like that I post whatever I want on facebook (the f word and lude jokes, things that I find funny) so he has tried to tell me that his family judges me based on that. I deleted his family last night and sent them a polite message explaining that there are no hard feelings, but I'm tired of the argument. Then when I bring up his drinking and breaking promises about drinking he got violent, then starts crying when he thinks about spending the rest of his life without alcohol. I'm worried about my baby witnessing these things in the future. I'm very strongly considering moving back to my home town over 8 hours away. Am I over reacting?

PeaceofKia · September 2014

Please leave. He sounds like it'll only escalate, and the highest concern should be for the safety of your unborn child. Moving back home sounds like a great idea...especially since you'll only known him for a short time. You and baby will be fine alone.

ambz06060 · September 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. It took my cousin 6 years to realize the same about her husband although we told her for a long time. Unfortunately it took him pulling out a knife and going to jail for her to realize this is not a way to live. I pray it doesn't happen to you and you can leave now. If you have family go to them. Get some support. Please.

Edited for clarity

MommyOfAMiracle · September 2014

Uhm. He's an alcoholic. You have the choice to get out now...GO.

It's not going to get any better. Trust me.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your child.

dacora · September 2014

You are NOT over reacting. This is a man you haven't known very long and you do not need to be around his drinking and controlling behavior. Your baby would be better off away from this damaging influence. I'm sure some of the other ladies would have much better advice regarding the legal side of this situation, but the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself and your baby.

The fact that you're saying he got violent when drinking really worries me. Maybe he's just taking his emotions out on furniture, or objects, but how long until he does something to you or your baby?

Move back to your home town and surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Do what is right for YOU and your baby.

jdzevans · September 2014

Agree with prior posts. The safety of you and baby are priority #1, always! I don't think you're overreacting. If he's crying over the thought of no alcohol, he prob needs professional help and clearly has his priorities out of line. Think of baby first and make sure you're in a safe and loving environment, not with someone who's erratic and possibly violent, especially since you barely know him! I'd say peace out, you're better off solo.

poopylove · September 2014

If the choice is between being a single mom or in a potentially violent, alcohol dependent, unhappy and unstable relationship, I think the choice is pretty clear. Your child is YOUR number one priority. Relationships in normal circumstances take a lot of work, now is not the time. On a side note, it sounds like you both have growing up to do. Good luck and take care.

bhjones1980 · September 2014

get out now!

FlowerPower16 · September 2014

You have to do what's best for you and the baby. Him getting violent in any way is your reason to leave now. You don't deserve that, and you definitely don't want your baby around that.

Dani_Love · September 2014

Please leave. My sisters now ex husband is an alcoholic and I cannot tell you how many dangerous situations that he has put my nephew in to. He's been violent to my sister, then swears he will change and then gets worse again. My nephew doesn't even want to see him anymore, she finally divorced him last year after 12 years. I cannot explain the heartache and pain my nephew has endured at the hands of his "father." He won't even confide his feelings to anyone who he knows drinks. Let me highlight a few situations you leaving now will hopefully avoid. (These are all things I have personally gone and rescued my nephew from.)

Your baby in a high chair for hours because dad passed out while you were at work.

Car accident and DUI with baby in the car.

Toddler left alone in the home while he's out getting another bottle.

Toddler left in car while he's in bar.

Forgetting to pick up child at school because too drunk/passed out.

Money going missing to fund alcohol behind your back.

Written up constantly at work for calling in (called in because he was too drunk and sister was out of town)

Eventual job loss.

I have so many more but I think the ones stated are more than enough. I should also mention he was going to AA, had a sponsor, and has had in patient rehab, and is still constantly drunk. Please think of you and your babies safety. Go home to people who love and support you. My sister kept thinking it would get better, once he was out she realized how wound up she was all the time tip toeing around HIS problem. She is so much happier and better and my nephews behavior and grades have improved dramatically since his father was kicked out.

DronkeyGal · September 2014

I agree with PPs. Please leave. I had a boyfriend I lived with a few years ago that got so drunk one night and punched a hole in the wall next to my head. I cried all night long knowing I had to leave him even though I loved him. The next morning before he woke up I packed my things, grabbed my dog and drove straight to my parents' house until he moved out and I could change the locks. Eventually I had to move because he kept coming around and I lived alone. Moral of the story? Getting violent once while drunk is one time too many. I know it's hard and sad to leave but you and your child will be way better off. Good luck!

jaztastic · September 2014

Your gut is telling you to get out, your pregnancy hormones are encouraging you to do it now. My mom always told me, you dont have to question a good thing.

jennjilljo · September 2014

Leave. The guy sounds awful and alcoholism doesn't just stop. The situation is likely to continue to escalate so it's not worth it to stay. From what I hear being a single mom is hard but not all that bad. This board had many fabulous examples of leaving baby daddy to find something far better.

sincerelyapril · September 2014

It doesn't seem like you guys are a good fit*, regardless of all the other arguments. I'd go back to your family and get as much support as possible through the rest of your pregnancy and the beginning of your child's life.

*I realize I don't know all there is to know.

foxslaw · September 2014

Get out while you still can! The longer you're there, the more obligated you'll feel to stay.

ambz06060 · September 2014

ChickenOnSunday said:

musicgirl524 said:

ChickenOnSunday said:

Ladies, check out OP's post history.

Three posts total

First post about her u/s. Saw all the replies
Second post about concerns and/or hormones. Did not view any of the 13 replies.
Third (and current) post has yet to view any of the replies.

Why post if you aren't going to read what people say?

I wish I was sleuth-y like you.

Generic avatars make me twitchy. I don't want to invest my time in a response if someone is a flake. I just check their posting history and see their tendencies on TB.

Also, this isn't exclusive to the generic avatar folks. Others will post the "whoa is me" and not view the responses. Not cool.

Ug. I'm just gonna pretend that I gave some helpful advice no matter if they come back or not. Thanks for checking

bhjones1980 · September 2014

ChickenOnSunday said:

Also, this isn't exclusive to the generic avatar folks. Others will post the "whoa is me" and not view the responses. Not cool.

This is the second time I have seen this today and it is bugging me....

PSA - it is "Woe is me"

I picture the posters sitting on a horse, pulling the reins

schnitz9 · September 2014

Although the BF's behavior concerns me the most. I'm also concerned with OP's FB usage. Not sure if I'm the only one here, but you won't see me posting the F word and lude jokes. Yeah, not a smart idea. FB is not totally private and employees can see what you post. You might want to re-evaluate how you post in the future.

jennjilljo · September 2014

schnitz9 said:
Although the BF's behavior concerns me the most. I'm also concerned with OP's FB usage. Not sure if I'm the only one here, but you won't see me posting the F word and lude jokes. Yeah, not a smart idea. FB is not totally private and employees can see what you post. You might want to re-evaluate how you post in the future.

I didn't see anything wrong with telling her to watch her language on FB. That seems like good advice to me. I was more disturbed by the rest of it though.

poopylove · September 2014

ChickenOnSunday said:

musicgirl524 said:

ChickenOnSunday said:

Ladies, check out OP's post history.

Three posts total

First post about her u/s. Saw all the replies
Second post about concerns and/or hormones. Did not view any of the 13 replies.
Third (and current) post has yet to view any of the replies.

Why post if you aren't going to read what people say?

I wish I was sleuth-y like you.

Generic avatars make me twitchy. I don't want to invest my time in a response if someone is a flake. I just check their posting history and see their tendencies on TB.

Also, this isn't exclusive to the generic avatar folks. Others will post the "whoa is me" and not view the responses. Not cool.

That's a shame. Sounds like she could really do with the advice.

lexi8990 · September 2014

it sounds so dangerous for you to be around someone like that. I would say leave, although it's your decision, I would think more about the health of you and your baby.

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

This must be MUD! Why else would OP not check in on what advice we have to give her from 3 hours ago?

triplej9 · September 2014

Ok, I feel like I should know this... but how do you tell if she came back and read responses???

poopylove · September 2014

ChickenOnSunday said:

poopylove said:

ChickenOnSunday said:

musicgirl524 said:

ChickenOnSunday said:

Ladies, check out OP's post history.

Three posts total

First post about her u/s. Saw all the replies
Second post about concerns and/or hormones. Did not view any of the 13 replies.
Third (and current) post has yet to view any of the replies.

Why post if you aren't going to read what people say?

I wish I was sleuth-y like you.

Generic avatars make me twitchy. I don't want to invest my time in a response if someone is a flake. I just check their posting history and see their tendencies on TB.

Also, this isn't exclusive to the generic avatar folks. Others will post the "whoa is me" and not view the responses. Not cool.

That's a shame. Sounds like she could really do with the advice.

I'm trying figure out if you are wanting to push buttons with what you typed. I need to go and lurk your history before I make any assumptions.

* I lurked your history and you seem very genuine and nice without a bit of snark. I don't know how to take what you posted so I will ignore and continue to push Iowa Thanksgiving food staples on the rest of F15.

Ha! I don't know if you meant my OP or 2nd post!
OP: may have come across as harsh but i figured she needed to hear it straight
2nd post: think it's ridiculous that someone asks for help, esp on such a serious matter, and then has the audacity to completely disregard others people's time and advice. Its obviously a sensitive subject and all the other posters gave some great advice and seemed genuinely concerned.

I'm not all bad, honest!

Erichandme · September 2014

I appreciate the poster's advice. If you think that I'm an avatar, then why would you bother even replying? Instead of being an insensitive person, just look past this post on the thread. It's not that I disregard anyone's time or advice, when I look at the posts through my phone it doesn't show through my account and its much easier to check it that way then it is when he is home and always over my shoulder. Thank you.

For everyone else, thank you for the advice. I think that I am going to move. When I say violent I mean he was throwing things in the house. I have been in two abusive relationships before and it took me eight years to leave my ex-husband and a gun to my head to realize how bad it was. Sometimes when you are in a situation its hard to see the outside point of view. No, I don't want my baby to grow up around that and think that it is normal. This is by far the least abusive relationship that I have been in so far, if that means anything. For those of you concerned, I am going to a counselor and in no way do I think I'm going to be a perfect mother, that's why I'm trying to sort out my issues and PTSD BEFORE my baby comes.

Dani_Love · September 2014

I'm happy to hear you are leaving and taking care of yourself. It may be difficult at first but you'll do amazing.

HailsMom · September 2014

bhjones1980 said:

ChickenOnSunday said:

Also, this isn't exclusive to the generic avatar folks. Others will post the "whoa is me" and not view the responses. Not cool.

This is the second time I have seen this today and it is bugging me....

PSA - it is "Woe is me"

I picture the posters sitting on a horse, pulling the reins

I am probably the other one you are talking about. I typed it Woe the first time and autocorrect changed it. I figured that I was just misspelling it so i left it. Last time I trust autocorrect.

reneamac313 · September 2014

ChickenOnSunday said:

Erichandme said:

I appreciate the poster's advice. If you think that I'm an avatar, then why would you bother even replying? Instead of being an insensitive person, just look past this post on the thread. It's not that I disregard anyone's time or advice, when I look at the posts through my phone it doesn't show through my account and its much easier to check it that way then it is when he is home and always over my shoulder. Thank you.

Rrrrrrriiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt. Very convenient that you are just now responding to the post about your concerns/hormones.

In case this isn't MUD and you are getting out than good for you.

I'm starting to think it's MUD since there was another thread started by OP asking for advice regarding other issues with her SO...

Beth.1212 · September 2014

ChickenOnSunday said:

Erichandme said:

I appreciate the poster's advice. If you think that I'm an avatar, then why would you bother even replying? Instead of being an insensitive person, just look past this post on the thread. It's not that I disregard anyone's time or advice, when I look at the posts through my phone it doesn't show through my account and its much easier to check it that way then it is when he is home and always over my shoulder. Thank you.

Rrrrrrriiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt. Very convenient that you are just now responding to the post about your concerns/hormones.

In case this isn't MUD and you are getting out than good for you.

I'm a bit confused by this. "Just now"? The OP initially posted midday and is responding in the evening. That seems reasonable to me. There are times that I post one day and check on the replies the next - life gets busy and I don't always get a chance to get back on the computer. I obviously cannot say for sure that this is not made up drama, but I see no reason to assume that it is.

poopylove · September 2014

Glad to hear that you are leaving. GL to you and your LO!

Mommalawyer · September 2014

Ok. I'm a veteran to your situation. In fact, today, I just got done with battle #2 in the court system with the idiot, who I should have left before I found out I was pregnant. Same situation, met, wasn't together long, got pregnant, found out he was an alcoholic and liked to use drugs. 6 year later, we are still battling over visitation for him. Which is still nominal. Run. Go. Run as fast as you can. You'll save yourself and your kid some serious heartache if you just go now. Not to mention the emotional distress and turmoil an unhealthy parent can cause. It's tough being a single mom. It's a motherfucking bitch. But at some point, you've got to weigh your poison. What's worse, rasing a kid by yourself? Or trying to raise a kid with someone who has substance abuse issues, who is abusive, and whose family supports the "golden boy?" I've been on both sides of that coin cause I stuck around trying to make it work, with someone it wasn't going to work with. Looking back, would I have done things differently? Absolutely. Don't think you can't do it on your own. You can. You really can.

StephanieLBerg · September 2014

My mom was in an abusive relationship when she was pregnant with me. My father went so far as to try and kill me during her third trimester. That's when she realized she needed to get out.

Sadly, the violence didn't stop there I am afraid. Once I became old enough to have conscious memory, my mom too became abusive, but in this case towards me and my stepdad. My step dad fought back, but I didn't, or couldn't, because I was afraid and felt like I did something wrong. She never drank, never did drugs, she was just a very angry and violent person. Once it became clear that she would be raising me completely on her own, thats when the abuse got worse. It took me a long time to realize that my moms hatred and violence towards me, was actually her hatred and violence towards the world for dealing her such a shitty life card. She blamed me for her fuck ups instead of owning up to her own actions (or lack of actions in most cases). I wish my mom had gotten help from counsellors before I was born, maybe that would have saved me from 15 years of physical, emotional, and mental abuse from her.

Since I moved out she has gotten help and is now taking some pretty heavy hitting antidepressants, muscle relaxers, and blood pressure medication to help level out her "non bipolar disorder". Of which she still refuses to acknowledge that she has doctor diagnosed bipolar disorder. So please, if this isn't made up drama, and you really are doing this for the welfare of your baby; then for the love of all that is holy get yourself some serious help! I am not saying that you are going to turn out like my mother did, but your current situation is a brewing pot for such behavior in the future.

rentj1 · September 2014

I would leave that relationship, 1) you two are in a unique situation you didn't really know each before you got pregnant 2) just because your pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay with him 3) your seeing behavior you don't like so leave
At this point figure how your going to co parent with him not being in a relationship with him I'm not sure how far along you are but I would let the courts step and force him to get help if he wants to be in the child's life

Cookie0875 · September 2014

I'm sorry this is happening and agree with PPs that you should leave now. The sooner, the better. The fact that this is the LEAST abusive relationship you've been in scares me.

alaughlin33 · September 2014

Honey I have been where you are and from experience I can tell you it will get worse. And if you do have to be a single mom trust me it's not as horrible as it sounds. You will be a lot happier and a better mom with out him. The drinking won't stop no matter how much you cry, beg, or plee with him he has to want to change. Do what's best for you and your baby.

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