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Working Moms
Iblamethebeer
member
SAHD -- Dear Prudence Letter
Iblamethebeer
member
in Working Moms
Did anyone read this Dear Prudence letter about the wife who won't let her husband become a SAHD?
What do you all think?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SAHD -- Dear Prudence Letter
I don't know -- I was sympathetic to the wife. DH and I have each had points where we were like "this job sucks, I want to stay home!" and the other person pushed back.
To be totally candid, I worry that if DH was at home full time there would be a lot of the kids watching television in one room while he watched different television in a different room, and he worries that if I was home full time I would start but not finish a lot of projects and our house would be trashed. We are both probably right.
I would be really hesitant to part ways with an awesome nanny who keeps my house running smoothly in order to hand over her job responsibilities to someone whose argument is "what I'm doing now is hard, this other thing sounds easier."
If the guy's letter had been about all the things he wants to spend time doing with his kids and how he thinks he could run the house more peacefully/efficiently/heathily/whatever but he isn't able to because of his work hours, then I would be much more in his court.
The red flag on this letter for me is he says he doesn't know why his wife insists that he not quit his job to stay home. Which means they haven't had a real discussion about it. And which also means as a consequence there is no reason provided as to why he should continue to work, and so for me I can't really evaluate this at all.
a) He says he hates his job. But there are other jobs out there, and, unlike someone who is living paycheck to paycheck, it would seem that he can afford to be choosey. So if I were in a situation like that I would AT LEAST look around (even if it was while I was employed) and try to find a job I loved.
b) Alternatively I would have a serious discussion with my spouse about me staying home with the kids. If my spouse was opposed, I would want to know why and I would be able to communicate/restate their opposition, valid or not, to others.
ETA: I am the main breadwinner in my family and while our income disparity is not as large as that couple (good night!), it is a substantial gap. If we both really wanted my H could stay home although he has never seemed too interested in that. If he did want to do it, we would have a serious discussion about it and about the things we would be giving up if he left his job - like the insurance 2 incomes provide if my job ever went away, or the fact that his benefits are really good and mine really aren't. It wouldn't be a no brainer.
Edit again: I rambled so I made it a little shorter.
I don't want him to do it because I think isolation would set in for him pretty quickly. I don't think he'd enjoy being home with the kids. He's excellent with the housework (when the urge strikes him), and he enjoys a day off with the kids now and then, but he'd tear his hair out if he did it full time. Also, in his line of work, consulting would still require a lot of travel, which would actually make things a lot more difficult for me.
DH is open to me doing it one day, but is concerned that I would really miss work. And a little bit of him is concerned that I would become "boring". Not that all SAHMs are boring, but he's worried that I would be so focused on the kids and household stuff that I would lose interest in the world around me. I'm less concerned about that.
But we've had lengthy discussions about this topic. Clearly the writer hasn't done that. And what a terrible idea to quit and "just let her deal with it". Yikes.
My first thought is 'what a biotch' but then I read the responses here and have to agree that maybe there is something that is being left out.
Hypothetical- would you feel different if the roles were reversed? If she was stuck in a job with long hours that she hated and they didn't need her income (it was 1/10 of his)?
But is 1/10 of your spouse's salary enough to make it worthwhile?
I would have a hard time being told I have to stay in a job that I hate when the salary doesn't contribute substantially to our bottom line.
But I still think there is more to this story than what is being told.
FWIW, I said that the house being messy is a reason why DH wouldn't want me to stay home, not the other way around. And it's not that SAHM = maid, but it is supposed to mean household manager, at least once you get out of the infant perpetual chaos stage. You know, corraller of school papers, planner of dinner menu, purchaser and wrapper of birthday party gifts, arranger of extracurricular schedule, or at least doer of most of those things.
I agree, both people need a say, and I also agree there is way too much missing information here. But if the letter writer was a woman and, again, phrased the request as "my job is hard and low paying so I want to SAH" rather than "I want to spend more time with my kids and I think I could bring more peace to our home if I wasn't working" then I would still feel sympathy for the working spouse.
I have definitely seen (and I'll admit it, judged) SAHM who are slacking on the job, or women who say they want to be SAHM but then when you ask them why, they make it clear that it's not because they actually want to do SAHM work, it's just because they want to watch tv in yoga pants.
So you are not a fan of SAHM's who have maids, huh?
LOL. Come to think of it, my best friends are both SAHM with maids (or at least bi-weekly cleaning people), and I think they both work really hard and do a great job, and I think their husbands would say the same thing.
I don't think it's about a SAHP doing any one task in particular. I think it's about SAHP being a way you contribute substantially to the family, rather than a way to get out of having a job. If one spouse (of either gender) doesn't have the requisite interest and skill set to contribute substantially from home, then they should hire someone who does and both go to work.
@amy052006 -- fair point, sometimes keeping the kids alive is a herculean feat.
@clarypax -- I can think of 2 SAHMs who I thought were slackers. That clearly means they are outliers, so I'm not trying to diss the group, and I'm not saying I expect everyone to be acting like stepford wives. The question was whether, if genders were reversed, I would think the wife should be entitled to stay home if the family didn't need her income. My point was that I don't think anyone should be acting a SAHP unless they are substantially contributing to the household by doing so, whether their income is needed or not.
Right or wrong, I would be uncomfortable being the sole breadwinner. Even if I was making a ridiculous salary, it would be a major stressor in my life, and I would have concerns about my spouse taking numerous years out of the workforce and not being able to reenter.
For me it would have nothing to do with staying at home/how clean it is a just a comfort-level thing from my past.
No doubt kids are a game changer, especially if there is some circumstance where a 2 WP house doesn't work anymore (special needs child, etc).
I'll be really honest and probably get flamed, but I would not want a stay at home dad. It has nothing to do with house cleaning, being jealous of his time at home, etc. I just wouldn't feel "equal". I don't mean to go all Neanderthal and traditional, but it feels weird to me personally if I were to be the sole provider. I think it's great if it works for others. I applaud families that have made the decision to have one parent stay home. On the flip side, I wouldn't want a spouse telling me I had to stay home or I had to work.
Back to the original issue these people are having which is they need to communicate like adults.