Dealing with friends pregnancies after loss...

MamaCollins916 · September 2014

I probably should tell you all a little about myself before I begin since this is my first post. My husband and I have been through 3 miscarriages within the last 2 years. We lost the first at 8w, second at 5w and the most recent, in March, at 12w.

Now, onto my post...

It seems like there has been a boom of women announcing pregnancies recently on social media as well as within our social group and I just cannot feel genuinely happy for them. It's become a situation where I would rather stay home than have to hear them talking about their successful pregnancies while we're out as a group.

How do you handle the sadness of watching others go through healthy pregnancies when you're still struggling to accept your recurring loss?

I've yet to be able to honestly talk with anyone about our losses, people know they've happened, but they aren't aware of the details. I don't have anyone close to me that has dealt with miscarriage, much less reoccurring miscarriages to talk to. Help.

ctk181 · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses. I also became hyper-aware of all the pregnancy announcements after my loss and it is so hard to deal with. I still haven't quite figured it out. One woman on here said to try to remember that their pregnancy does not take anything from you and that has helped me somewhat but it still stings to see other people get something seemingly easily that you so desperately want. Let yourself feel your feelings and don't feel guilty about them. Take care of yourself.

KingLED · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses. It can be really difficult to cope with hearing about others pregnancies when you're still so emotionally raw. The best advice I have is to let yourself grieve and let yourself heal. So often we try to push ourselves back to normalcy to soon and things just keep bubbling up. Hopefully you'll feel more yourself soon and can be truly happy for them.

kyliehopeful · September 2014

Sorry for your loss, I've recently just had a d&c over the weekend for our 3rd miscarriage too. I've also been struggling with my feelings over family members who are currently pregnant too. I've been noticing pregnant women everywhere, and it's really hard seeing them. I'm supposed to be going to a cousins baby shower this week and I can't get myself together to go through with it. It just seems so unfair that for some pregnancy comes so easily and for myself it seems like the impossible dream

girlnextdoornco · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses and the pain you are feeling. It's hard when there are no real answers. I recently came across a neat little pdf booklet called Embracing Hope. It's got some really comforting information in it for women who have suffered miscarriages..things like feeling jealous of others' pregnancies, hurtful things people say..etc. Basically, it's good to know that what you're feeling is super normal. You can read it if you'd like: *removed by mod for spam.* Hugs!

LimaD · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses and the pain you've had to experience over the last couple years.
Have you considered taking a break from social media? That really can help. But as far as being around people who are talking about it, I don't have any advice... have you thought of grief counseling at all? You have been through a lot, and it would give you someone to talk to.

salsa_wifey · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses. I honestly think that what you're feeling is a normal part of the grieving process. How do I handle it? I'm not saying it's the right way but some of it is avoiding and when backed in a corner it's putting on a "game" face and faking through it. I was recently invited to a "gender reveal party" which I declined to without explaination. I'm not sure if she's aware of my loss or not but I wasn't up for that one. I would say it gets easier with time but if you are having recurrent losses, that probably doesn't help much.

I can relate to not talking to people about the losses and I can tell you that even if they were in your situation, it doesn't necessarily mean they would be understanding or supportive. Sad but true. I found that out the hard way but unfortunately I couldn't keep my last loss a secret since we had already started to announce before we lost him.

This board has helped me immensely with my losses. I had the hardest time with my latest loss and I really should find a IRL group but I've been avoiding it. Maybe that's something that could help you. My doctor gave me a list of groups in my area.

(((Hugs)))

MamaCollins916 · September 2014

Thank you all for your advice! It makes me feel a smidge better knowing I'm not alone and there are women all over experiencing the same thing.

I'm taking a hiatus from Facebook (my prime source of triggers) and I'm going to look into a group shares/grief counseler.

I'm so sorry for all of your losses and I hate more than anything that we are here on this board but I'm happy to have found such an understanding, supportive group. Thank you all so much!

Puglife83 · September 2014

2 months have gone by and I keep telling myself to just give social media a break for awhile. It does nothing but upset me constantly.

negritosmami · September 2014

well its definitely hard. you're not alone. Yesterday i went on facebook and this girl posted a status that said " Im not excited about this pregnancy anymore" feeling "meh"....i almost cussed her out..ur not excited? like u ungrateful b**ch!!! even if you feel that..to post it is just sooo..omg. People like that being pregnant when we all would give our left leg for a baby is soooo hard!! and i too know so many people who are pregnant. Some are even on my orgiinal EDD. I find that its all over though so im not going to give up social media. No point when Princess Kate and every other celebrity and person walking the street seems to also be pregnant. I just cry when i need to and vent when i need to and decline what i think will be too much!!!ur not alone in ur envy!!sorry for your losses

MamaCollins916 · September 2014

@negritosmami‌ EXACTLY! I had a girl on my feed who was begging to get pregnant then had the audacity to say "I don't know why God thought I could handle this." I had to defriend her. Or she would complain about morning sickness or lack of energy - I would GLADLY puke all day long and give up every ounce of energy I have now to be holding a baby in my arms in November.

I did deactivate my account on FB until I can get a handle on my emotions and properly grieve.

It's tough y'all.

@kyliehopeful‌ - My sister in law has a baby shower coming up and I'm not sure I'll be able to attend so I know exactly what you're going through! I plan on just being honest with her about why I won't be attending and if she doesn't understand then that's on her. You have to do what's best for YOU!

4N6s · September 2014

Your struggle has nothing to do with them. Try your best to be happy for them and for LIFE in general. Staying positive will help you, in my opinion.

kyliehopeful · September 2014

@MamaCollins916‌
Thanks for your message, I've been feeling guilty about not attending the baby shower however your right, I need to do what's best for me right now. Plus I would need a box of tissues just to get through it!

nycitygirl1 · September 2014

I'm so so sorry for your losses. I'm going through a D&C right now (the C is tomorrow) and we struggled for 2 years and went through multiple IUI cycles and fertility drugs to get pregnant with our first child.

I remember crying on the way home from my friends' kids' birthday parties wondering if that was ever going to be me. I also say that you've got to protect yourself and take care of your own emotional health. Obviously you want to be there for your friends, but do the minimum (send a gift or card) and don't attend the actual event if you know it's going to cause you to spiral. No one who has been through recurrent losses or fertility struggles understands what it's like to hope month after month for a child and come up empty handed. Make sure you also get out and do fun stuff w/your husband and friends that's not child related.

Oakley3 · October 2014

Hi there. I'm going through my first pregnancy loss and it's been ROUGH. I have a friend who's 10 weeks along and we were going to be due around the same time. I thought it would be difficult to be around her, being constantly reminded of our loss, but it's been surprisingly uplifting. She's so happy and I'm kind of feeding off of that. I do get a bit envious/wistful when I see her sonogram pics, but she deserves all the positivity I can give her. Seeing pregnant STRANGERS, on the other hand, is much more difficult for me. I don't know these ladies, so it's harder to tell myself they are just as deserving of a happy, healthy baby as I am. I'm trying though, because they are. Who knows how many miscarriages they may have had or how difficult it was for them to conceive? I can't judge, so just try to balance the awfulness that happened to us by putting some love back into the world.

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