Did you give up a career?

taylor20204 · September 2014

Hi ladies,

It's been a long time since I've been on the bump, it's great to be back. I've got some big decisions to make and I thought I'd start here. DH and I have a 6 yr old and I've been working full time both before and after his birth (DH as well). It's been rough, I have to travel some for work, I find switching from being 'working me' to 'mom me' hard for some reason. So now we are thinking about #2. I'm 38, times a ticking. The thing is I always said if I ever had another child I would want to stay at home and do things differently the second time around. But giving up my job scares the crap out of me. Things would definitely change without me working, it would be a bit tight, but we could do it just barely financially. I also have celiac disease and feel like if we had another dealing with my condition, two kids and a full time job would just be too much. So, I'm thinking of leaving my job should we conceive. To be honest, staying home makes me nervous too. I worry I'll regret giving up my job, that I'll be unhappy with my decision to stay home. But at the same time I think what could be better than to have the opportunity to raise my family and be at home.

So obviously a decision I need to make for myself and relatively soon. But I thought I'd ask some questions to the pros. How do you find staying at home? Did you give up a career to do so and how do/did you feel about that decision? I have a great job that I really enjoy, but there is no option for part time. Any advice? I feel like I need a therapist! But any advice would be wonderful!!

Kelly

MomIn2013 · September 2014

For me, what I gave up was more a job than a career, so I may not be much help, but I find staying at home far more enjoyable and rewarding than my job was. There's really no comparison being able to plan and spend my days with DS rather than being on a boss's schedule and spending my days with some people I didn't particularly like.

Financially speaking, though, if we were "just making it", I probably wouldn't feel comfortable staying home, especially if we were planning for #2, particularly since I wouldn't know what to expect finance-wise with a second child. If your decision is going to be based on finances, I would definitely start living off just your DH's salary for a while, and make any changes you're o.k. with to see just how tight it might be. It may end up being either easier or more difficult than you expect, and that might help you with your decision.

If you do decide to quit, I don't think it would be the end of the world if you found SAH wasn't for you. It might just be a matter of getting back out there - I would probably try to keep in the "professional loop" while you're off if you can in case you need to get your foot back in the door later.

fintin · September 2014

I also only gave up a job, but I agree with PP. Have a trial run where you live off only what your DH makes. Obviously still keep your job while doing this just limit all of your spending and bills to what he brings home. This will give you a better idea of how things will be if you do SAH. After your trial you can make an informed decision on it. Good luck!

catycate · September 2014

I pressed pause on my career- I was/am in education and it's not out of the norm for teachers to take a few years off. With that being said, I am trying to get back in now and while it's easier then it would be most careers, it's harder then I thought it would be.

chelseymat · September 2014

I think you already received good advice. I left a career. We were a little tight for a year or so but that was mostly because I was still spending like I had a full time job. DH got a raise and I realized I didn't need new clothes and starbucks all the time and we are more than ok now. When I first had DS1 I was devastated I quit my job. I was so bored with a newborn that slept all the time….but once DS1 hit like 8 months I got my groove and everything has been smooth sailing. I can't imagine working full time. Good luck. Just know that quitting isn't permanent. If it doesn't work out you can go back to your previous employer (provided you leave on good terms) or somewhere else in the same field.

orangegoggles · September 2014

I did not give up my career. I am a teacher and took about a year off when DS was born (they hold your position). Then I went back for a year full time and it was hard on many levels. This year I am job sharing and only work part time. I go in W afternoon, all day Th and F. It is AWESOME! I feel like I have a good four day weekend (and a morning) with DS. Perhaps you can find some type of freelance or part time work within your career?

stgn01 · September 2014

I gave up a career to be a stay at home mom. At first, I did part time work, but then we moved states and I didn't do anything. It was hard for me to adjust after that knowing I had nothing to "look forward to." I really did enjoy staying home though. Now DD is in pre-k and DS will turn 2 in a few weeks. I'm thinking about getting back into things again. It's hard because I don't have the connections I used to, but I'm looking. I just got licensed in my current state, so that will help my employment search. I think the hardest thing will be starting a job from scratch. I've been the SAHM for so long that everyone assumes I'll just be there when things need to get done. If one of the kids gets sick, I have to take off from my new job to take care of them. If our heater goes again, I have to stay at home and wait for the repair. It would be easier if I were in a job for a while that I could flex some of that time to do the things I'm already doing.

Do I regret giving up my career and staying at home? No way. Not for DD, not for DS. I'm so happy I was able to be here and watch them grow. But being out of the job market for 4 plus years is a big deficit I have to make up for. I know it will be frustrating and hard at first, but I hope it keeps getting easier. And ditto what @chelseymat said....if it doens't work out, hopefully you can go back to your old employer. GL!

penguingrrl · September 2014

I was in the early stages of building a career when I had my first (unplanned) and I simply couldn't afford childcare on what I was earning. So the decision was made for me. Given the choice I would have remained in the workforce, although I probably would have tried to find a way to cut down to working p/t instead of f/t.

I will say that from what I've heard it can be a lot harder to get back in after SAH than many people realize upon leaving the workforce. I know quite a few people (men and women) who planned to SAH for a specific amount of time (usually until their child/youngest is in K) and ended up unable to get back into the game. You also may have to take a demotion to get back in the door. Many people seem to essentially go back to entry-level or not much higher rather than entering where they were.

I have recently gotten a p/t job through volunteer work I have been doing and it is fantastic. It's a different field than I was in before, but many of the skills I developed in my old field helped me get in. I'm very fortunate that it is very flexible and most of what I do is from home and on a "few days" deadline versus "have this on my desk in three hours" so I am able to work during naps, after school a bit while my oldest entertains my toddler and after bedtime. It is basically entry level work (prior to hiring me they had interns doing it) but it's getting me in the door and may lead to a f/t outside the home position.

monalua · September 2014

It is such a hard decision! And there is no perfect answer. I gave up my career to stay at home and I love it, it's been 4 years. I am a person who gets overwhelmed very easily and just don't think I could do both well, or even semi-well. It helped that I workes in my fiels for 10 years and was able to build a big savings during thay time. It also helps that DH has a very stable job. Are you sure you can't do your job or something similar part time? I thought for sure I couldn't do my job part-time, but when I put in my resignation they suddenly offered me a part-time arrangement. I have had other part-time opportunities come up since then as well. I sort have wish I would have pursued working part-time, I feel like that could be the best of both worlds. It is tight with me staying at home but we make it work. No vacations, new cars, expensive clothes, scaled way back on gift-giving, etc. It's so worth it to me. Good luck in your journey!!

shoesontoes · September 2014

I'm not sure yet if I "gave up" my speech-language pathology career or have just put it on a prolonged hold. I keep all my licensure and credentials current with continuing education and paying all national and state dues and fees. The most annoying bit for me is the monthly graduate student loan payments. Sigh.

I am two million percent happier being at home than I ever was working. But I'm kinda a hermit/home-body person, so I knew going into this arrangement that I would prefer it. And my salary compared to my husband's was just a blip on the financial radar, so the money isn't an issue.

I do know when both DDs are in school full-time, I may start to look into returning? Perhaps. (Right now it still sounds awful.) Part time or full time. And my career allows for that quite easily (as long as my certifications are current).

OP, do you have an idea of how receptive your profession would be towards returning after an absence? Either a long one (when your future second child is much older or in school) or a shorter one (if you decided that SAH isn't for you)?

hayleydeee · September 2014

I did give up my career, and at first it was REALLY tight financially. But, I was able to be creative in finding ways to save, and keep a really close eye on our budget. FOr a few years I knew where every dollar was going before it even came in.

As for not working, it was an adjustment, and took a few years before I stopped feeling nostalgic for my old life. But, now almost 6 years later I'm glad we made the choice. It isn't easy, but it's the best thing for our family.

jensriot · September 2014

I gave up a career I really enjoyed. I absolutely love being home with my kids, but during the last year I started doubting myself and wondering if I should go back to work. An old boss contacted me right before the summer and offered the perfect job. It was a hard hard decision, but I just couldn't give up what I have right now with the kids. I feel really good about my decision now and knowing that I could go back is very reassuring.

Thay said, if things were tight like they were that first year or so (like what you're describing), I think the doubt would never go away. I also would've jumped on that job. If you are already stressed and unsure, a tight financial situation could really magnify those stresses. Try what pp have suggested. The ladies here have some great advice.

taylor20204 · September 2014

Thank you so much for the responses. To monalua, thank you, I feel very much like I am on a journey right now and I have no idea where I'll end up! I'd love a crystal ball. To clarify a few things, while I have a great job, I'm ready to be done with it. I've been in my field for 13 years, 11 at my current employer. It's a great job with great pay, but I feel I'm ready to move on (to being a sahm or something else I don't know, but I'm open for a change). Also, I really don't want to have a second child unless I stay home...I just don't want to do it all again and having celiac just adds to the stress. So it's try to have a baby and quit or no baby. My son is a great only child. He started daycare at 1, is very sociable, loves school and is so smart (it's my husband, not me!). I don't have any qualms about him growing up as an only child. However, I do worry I'll regret not trying to have another, for me, for us. So I'm very much struggling with making the wrong decision in terms of giving up my job or not having another baby.

I should say I think things would be 'different' financially. Right now we live above our means and there is plenty we could cut back on. It would be a big life change and I do think we would have to be much more careful with our money, but it's doable. And that's the other problem, DS is at a great age, we're done with 'babyhood', we have decent financial freedom...most of this would change if I quit and had another child. My age is just putting that much more pressure on me.

I also am a home body and while I think it would be a huge adjustment to be at home I think I would manage that better than trying to run my life, my son's life and do my job. I've felt overwhelmed by it all from the get go and would love to try the different pace. I actually don't know if I'd go back to work if I quit and if I did it wouldn't be for several years and it would definitely be something more low key, no travel, hopefully part time. So again, giving up what I have now.

I'll have to have some more talks with DH but I wanted to get some feedback from those who may have done what I'm considering and also from sahm's in general...that lifestyle change is scary! But while my age is putting pressure on me, I also feel like I've done a lot and accomplished a lot and would be ok slowing down a bit to focus on home at my age. I guess I kind of feel a little like if I have the opportunity to do it again and do it differently (whether it turns out good or bad) that I should go for it.

Thank you for so much feedback, it's all very helpful!

NicoleWI · September 2014

I was in a somewhat similar situation in terms of age and timing. I worked FT in a great career, for the past 12 years at the same employer. I turn 40 this winter. DH makes way more money than me, but he is self-employed and his income varies, so I carried health insurance for the family and added great stability to our overall situation. I had other very good benefits, too. The insurance is really what kept me working.

I had a wonderful job with a lot of interesting perks and was working for a great organization, but after 12 years I was really ready for a change, too. It was past time to move up or move on, but I had stayed b/c of continuing to have kids....not wanting to screw up insurance or mat leave or start a new challenge. I also was tired of my long commute and being at least 30 minutes from home all the time. With DH's hours and mine, and with our eldest going into 5K, I was finding it very stressful to do what I wanted to do for my kids. I was increasingly taking time off for kid-related things and frankly had no idea how we would handle school and activities without investing in a very capable, likely very expensive nanny. (We had a nanny but not one at the level we were going to need). I didn't WANT the nanny being the one to greet them after school and take them to ballet, and care for them when they were sick. I wanted to be there.

I didn't want to go back after our first baby, but I stuck it out. After #3, though, I really felt it was time to leave. I was about to give notice when another key person left, so I ended up negotiating 4 days/week with one of them at home for another 10 months or so. It was a long transition but good. Despite knowing I really wanted to be home, deep down, I struggled with conflicting feelings, too. After having been a FT working mom for so long I wondered if I should continue to "stick it out" for the income/benefits/example of having a career, and try to grow my career, but it just wasn't what I wanted right now. I wasn't sure how things would go at home and how I would feel.

I left for good after the transition time last March, and for me, personally, it has been wonderful. I love being home. I really don't miss work at all. There are a few people/a few things I mildly miss, but overall I was even more ready than I thought. With three little ones and now another on the way, I have been super busy and never "bored." I am Sooooo glad I had this spring/summer with my daughter before she started kindergarten. We got to do so many fun things that I never could have done if I were still working. I am also so glad I am home now as she has had a super rough time starting kindergarten and I LOVE that I can be here to get her on the bus and be home with her after school. And today, I picked my son up from preschool and then DD2, DS and I all went to the park. Yesterday we made cookies. We go to the library now. We can do errands during the week, and if we are up late, I can leave house work to be done the next day. That kind of thing, for me, is about a million times better than sitting in an office and commuting.

It's hard to say what to do b/c everyone is so different. One thing I thought w/ number 3 was that I should try to go back at first and then quit if desired. You can always quit later, but you can't take it back once you give notice. Perhaps try that--decide after the baby, or maybe even after trying to work for a bit again? But, you do sound ready to leave, and if you know that deep down, you owe it to yourself to take the plunge and give it a shot at home. Good luck!

smerka · September 2014

I left a family-unfriendly career after 13 years. I was an environmental engineer/geologist. My hours sometimes got erratic and job sites could be a long way from home with Chicago traffic. I was 36 when I quit right before my first son was born. My second was born just over 11 months later. My first son has autism and there is no way I could work full time and deal with all his therapies. We could hire a nanny I guess but I hated daycare as a kid and so did my husband. I started doing taxes kind of as a hobby right before my first son was born. I've kept that up, but I don't work very much right now. It's kind of more of a way to not have a huge gap in my resume. I think I will try to work more once my kids are in school full time (possibly next year depending on the younger one's readiness for kindergarten). It's seasonal so I wouldn't work in the summer anyway. Sometimes I miss the work relationships, but for the most part, I don't regret my decision. Raising a kid with autism keeps me on my toes and I frankly still use my engineering skills to keep him from getting into trouble.

MesmrEwe · September 2014

IMO you have to make the decision yourself based on your own circumstances with no regrets. No one other than you and YH can answer those big questions.

I gave up a career on the road. It was an adjustment being "at home" all the time and not traveling with all the peace and solitude that comes along with being on the road. Not to mention the networks - some of my friends have made quite the media appearances and it's still fun to say "I knew so'n'so when...".. Granted, if I called up my agent now and said "book me I'm yours" it wouldn't be long before I'd be making a decent living again, but I'd be basically starting fresh and before I could do that would need to do some refresher and continuing education work.

taylor20204 · September 2014

Thanks again ladies! Nicole, your post is exactly how I feel. I'm really leaning toward taking the plunge. I think I will regret it if I don't.

Maybe I can come back and hang out with you guys someday on this board. But for now thank you so much for all the feedback, it has been incredibly helpful. I'm so happy I came to ask for advice. Now, on to baby making!

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