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February 2014 Moms
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DH, LO, and gender roles

Meghan14Meghan14 member
in February 2014 Moms
Ok, I apologize in advance, this is gonna be long and rambley.

DH is not a really a "macho" guy.   He loves cooking, hates football,  doesn't care about cars or trucks, has never been in a physical fight et c.  He has always been very comfortable with who he is and I love him exactly how he is.   A good summary would be his quote from earlier this year, "Of course I didn't watch the Super Bowl, it was on at the same time as Downton Abbey!"  

In some ways we have very traditional gender roles: he works, I stay home. (Although we both wish financially we could make things work the other way around.)  In other ways, not as much: he cooks most of the time, I drive most of the time.  He expressed concern about in the future LO not feeling like he fits in  at school when he sees other households aren't the same.  I countered with pointing out that the lesbian couple across the street don't ask a male relative to drive them places so their son learns that "traditionally the man drives."  We talked about how what matters is how each family makes things work for them and every family has their own routines, chores, strengths, and weaknesses.  He agreed and has not brought it up since.  He gets my point on this part of it and is content to stick with our routines. 

But I've noticed other little things lately.  The best example I can give is that all of a sudden he's turning on football games.  Now I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do in his free time, and if he is enjoying the game that's great.  However, I worry that this is not the case. I worry that he is doing this because he does not think he is "man enough" to have a son.  

How do I tell him that I think he's plenty masculine and our son will be who he will be regardless of whether or not his dad watches football?  I'm not sure how to bring this up without it sounding like I don't think he's a "real man"?  I think he's perfect and I don't want him to feel like he has to change.    In my mind he is everything a husband, father, and man should be.   I just worry that he is putting a lot of pressure on himself, stressing about things that don't really matter, and not being true to himself. 

Any thoughts on how to subtlety  tell him he doesn't need to change?

Anyone else dealing with something similar?   Please share anything remotely related so I don't feel alone here. 

Thanks for reading. 

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Re: DH, LO, and gender roles

  • Meghan14Meghan14 member
    Thanks for some important perspective ladies.  Great points!   I guess I'm just frustrated that society's expectations are making him doubt what an excellent father he is.  


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  • shellbell3845shellbell3845 member
    I think it's okay to teach our little boys that they can do anything they want to do. I will involve LO in things I enjoy -- baking, crafts, etc., DH will do the same, and we're excited to see what LO himself is interested in exploring! In our house, I cook and do laundry, but DH helps with cleaning. We split driving, but DH does all the outside stuff.

    I think what your H is doing is kind of sweet, and I too think you should read him what you wrote to us -- or give him the gist. The next time he turns on football would be a great time to have that conversation -- that he's a great Dad whether he watches football or not. Make sure to tell him how lucky your LO is to have a dad who's so interested, involved, engaged, and thoughtful!
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  • Fullerj21Fullerj21 member
    I think your H sounds very sweet. I agree with most of the suggestions above as well. In our home my husband is a SAHD and I work full-time. This may not be for everyone but it works great for us. What I'm trying to say is I don't think traditional gender roles are that important. Your h sounds like a great guy, dad, and role model.
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  • TessyMessyTessyMessy member
    " I'm not sure how to bring this up without it sounding like I don't think he's a "real man"? I think he's perfect and I don't want him to feel like he has to change. In my mind he is everything a husband, father, and man should be."

    There's your answer! Your H can show LO one of the most important roles a parent can play: taking care of his family. There are so many children out there that have a parent that is checked out or MIA. You could say a real man is there for the day to day whether that is teaching LO about football, how to ride a bike or how to cook his favorite meal. I think that is more important than traditional gender roles.


     

     


     

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  • Meghan14Meghan14 member
    Can I just say how much I love you girls? Lots and lots and lots!  Huge hugs and thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  • ShePersistedShePersisted member
    Everything what people said and I cna totally get why he may feel like wanting to change. You are being a great support by letting him see the right perspetive. Perhaps try to mingle wth other families that have similar roles? MH is home right now on paternity leave so is the primary care taker during the day and most nights. When we go to the park and see other dads I encourage him to go talk to them so that he can make friends and has people to hang with when he cares for K. We actually met a SAHD and he is awesome! He also, found a few dad groups at meetup.com and a lot of them are SAH dads or dads that probably that take on a lot of the household chores for various reasons.
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  • KarlamoKarlamo member
    I agree with what has been said already. My comment is that I find it sad that our society has no problem telling our daughters they can grow up to be anything they want and they don't have to wear pink but when it comes to our sons they are stuck in the gender box. Society tends to side eye a man who is sensitive, likes cooking/cleaning and heaven forbid wants to be a daycare provider!
    I hope that we raise R to be similar to your husband. He sounds like an amazing guy. Lucky find!!!
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