PPA/PPD Check-in

carawasa · September 2014

It's been a very enlightening few weeks for me. I've been going to see my therapist for a few months now and it's going very well! Last week I was just thinking to myself that i have a hard time feeling. Like I know I should be happy or excited so therefore I act that way..but I am sort of numb to things, if that makes any sense. I find that to be kind of scary and I don't like it. Well then I started to think about it more like how I am always exhausted when I get plenty of sleep, no sex drive, etc and thought it couldn't hurt to bring this up to my therapist. I'm pretty sure it's depression and probably should have been honest with myself months ago. It's hard for me to except this but I know it needs to be addressed. So I started on Zoloft today. She said she does not think I'll need to take it forever just for right now. We are also going to start doing EMDR within the month. I'm looking forward to being happy again...

How are you fabulous ladies doing?

carawasa · September 2014

@wedding06 I know how that goes...I do that to myself all of the time. It's great you were able to manage it though

big steps!

huntjul · September 2014

@carawasa I'm glad you're getting help. I hope the zoloft kicks in soon for you! You're certainly describing some cardinal signs of depression, although of course they're tough to see when it's yourself. Have you found therapy to be helpful? I'm oscillating between thinking I should go and being sure I don't want to.

I've been feeling better after our 2-week Europe vacation. I feel more accomplished that I'm getting work and masters things done since we've been back, and that helps immensely. I've also managed to start incorporating running and lifting weights 4-5 times/week for the past month, and I think that's helping too. And finally, DH has been picking up more house chores because I reinstated the "honey do" list to help him know how to help.

tl;dr All of this is good news, small steps towards feeling better.

carawasa · September 2014

I'm so happy you are feeling better @huntjul‌ I know you weren't doing great for a bit!!! I find therapy to be the most helpful! I have seen diff therapist a few times before but I really click with her. She listens and gets excited when we figure stuff out...she puts a lot of stuff into perspective for me and shows me how all things are related to the same problem. I was very anti-meds before but she has taught me to be honest with myself. I highly recommend trying to find one and just try it out. It's a really nice outlet.

Teresa1489 · September 2014

Hugs ladies! I'm doing pretty well. I seem to fall back a little bit when we go visit family. I feel like no matter what I do I'm being judged on how I parent. I get questioned on every choice we make and I have to almost prove why we chose what we did. On stupid things like using a straw sippy since my niece uses a hard spout and that I should sing silly songs to LO in the car cuz she was tired so therefore crying.. To way important things like rear facing till at least 2. They also think I'm babying her because she chooses me over them if I'm in the room. I don't feel like I should have to explain myself over and over. My sister is doing a great job with my niece but her decisions aren't the end all be all of parenting! Ugh sorry for the vent and complete lack of paragraphs- iPad-

Tl;dr: doing well, hate when family questions my choices and makes me feel like a failure of a mom

Jenball717 · September 2014

I'm feeling much better this week. I know it is just a break for whatever reason and I can't think I'm "all better" and need to use this break in the fog to get some things set up for when the fog returns.

My best friend gave me the name of the therapist she used a loved so I'll be calling her today. She's not really close to me but hopefully that won't be too much of an issue because she does evening appointments and that will be good for DH to have the girls while I go.

It got really bad over the weekend though. I basically got a "shape up or ship out" from DH. Basically, if I wasn't making efforts to change where I was out, he wasn't going to keep taking it. While I can understand his position, it really hurt to hear that. I tried telling him how hard it was to open up enough to a therapist to actually get better. That I feel ashamed about where I am and his intolerance made the shame even worse. I'm trying to understand how hard it must be for him to deal with a depressed wife but it's hard when I'm so deep in it myself.

trackgirlparis · September 2014

@Jenball717‌ hugs, mama! Hopefully this new therapist will be able to help you. It's definitely hard to open up, but totally worth it on the long run.

trackgirlparis · September 2014

I haven't updated in here awhile because I don't feel like it's appropriate much anymore.

I'm still feeling PPD/PPA at full force but have done nothing about it. When I sought out help from my family doctor back in April (and was rejected) it cut me hard so I haven't found help elsewhere. I make the excuse that it's not "as bad" as it was in the spring.

I have tried to improve my mood by talking with friends and occupying myself with birthday planning. I'm not sure if it's working or it I'm just covering up and ignoring how I'm feeling.

I definitely do get jealous reading when people have been prescribed Zoloft etc. I just want the meds and the therapy and to feel better.

Tl:Dr I'm still feeling like crap but haven't gotten any help with it yet. I suck

lol

Jenball717 · September 2014

@trackgirlparis‌, that's really messed up of your doctor. It's so hard to reach out for help and then have it not work out. It makes it even harder to try again! I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I'll try again with therapy if you try again with a doctor, deal?

huntjul · September 2014

@jenball717 - that must have been impossibly difficult to hear from your DH. I'm glad you're planning on starting therapy, which seems to be a step forward in committing to getting better and keeping your family together, happy and healthy.

@trackgirlparis - unfortunately not every medical provider can be a good one. I train veterinary students, and I can tell already that some are going to be better doctors than others! Doctors aren't perfect. Sorry yours dropped the ball. I'd encourage you to get a second opinion from a different doctor in the same practice or a different practice altogether.

trackgirlparis · September 2014

Jenball717 said:
@trackgirlparis‌, that's really messed up of your doctor. It's so hard to reach out for help and then have it not work out. It makes it even harder to try again! I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I'll try again with therapy if you try again with a doctor, deal?

Well that's some pressure!! I'll see what I can do about making an appointment with one of the other doctors in the practice, like @huntjul said. Thanks

Teresa1489 · September 2014

Love tits for support! @SeeJayEmm‌ I don't think our situations could be more similar!!
@Jenball717‌ I totally understand why you feel more shame with what your DH said, I'm sorry he's not being more supportive.. I really hope you can feel comfortable with the new therapist!
@huntjul‌ I'm glad you're feeling better!
@carawasa‌ I hope your medication kicks in soon! Good for you for getting help!
@trackgirlparis‌ I'm so sorry you had a crappy experience with your dr. I'm sure you've thought of this already but is there anyway you can get a 2nd opinion? I'm not sure how things work in Canada in those regards. Big hugs!!

Teresa1489 · September 2014

@wedding06‌ I'm glad you're feeling better!

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carawasa · September 2014

It's so hard to tune family members out about parenting and I'm lucky I don't have to deal with it all that much..sometimes my mom says "no I can't or won't so that" like mixing oatmeal with fruit..she thinks it's gross? Why mom..just give it to her because that's what we do. Ugh. I would make it clear that it bothers me...idk maybe I'm just a bitch, but you should speak up for yourself! @teresa1489 and @SeeJayEmm‌ I mean I know it's easier said than done but I don't think you ladies should let them disrespect you like that. It just causes this unnecessary anxiety for you guys. In my situation, my FI doesn't get along with his family so I have free range to call them out if needed, it would be hard if I couldn't d that, or he didn't understand. Hugs ladies!

@trackgirlparis‌ I'm so sorry you had a hard time with your doc and it's super discouraging to be shot down, but was it a psych or was it a pcp? You should def try to talk to a therapist or a psych and not a pcp if it was. They're "diagnosis" may not be what you want to hear, but if you feel like there is something wrong mentally, please advocate for yourself! Don't deal with it, because you need to be the best you that you can be! Xoxox

@Jenball717‌ even though you've been doing better this week it impressed me you are still going to call the therapist! A lot of times people are blinded by feeling better. Keep it up. I know it's hard to hear that from your h but take it as a push and not anything else. He wants the best for you...mental health is so hard for someone to understand who doesn't have issues themselves.

@cdhaslag‌ that's a really good way to look at it,..just not being able to have 100% control or confidence as a parent. I don't think we ever will....I think we just have to get comfortable with the fact we never will. We just can do the best we can for our families! Even if it's not what's best for other families

ksimo6 · September 2014

@Jenball717‌ I hope the new therapist is of help to you. So glad that you are taking that step.
@carawasa‌ Zoloft saved me and I'm still on it. I weaned off a few months ago and had a total metldown so I went back on a lower dose. I have been pretty steady since. I hope it helps you!
@trackgirlparis‌ Find another provider and go back in! They can really help. You deserve to feel better!

@MonkeyToes15 - HUGS. I don't have the words.

Things have been "eh" for me this week. LO is keeping newborn hours (I think it's teeth) so I am beyond sleep deprived. When I lack sleep, my emotions are out of control. I sat and wept the other night because I want another baby and we are not pregnant yet... The first tthree times we got pregnant were fairly easy, but this is taking a bit longer and I am getting discouraged. Thus the crying. I have a girls weekend this weekend and am looking forward to girl time and wine... that should help my mood significantly!

Thanks for starting the thread. It helps to know there are others who have shared expereiences... even if they are crappy. *hugs*

TREDgirl · September 2014

I always read this thread but never post because I feel like I don't quite 'fit'.

I have been on Lexapro for 10 years (all through the pregnancy) and honestly can't imagine my life without it. It was really, REALLY hard for about three weeks post partum, but once I stopped nursing my hormones got back on track. Both my OB and psychiatrist were very pro-active with me on any PPD I had. @trackgirlparis have you talked to your OB about it? I find mine to be way more educated and understanding about PPD than my family dr.

I remember who I was prior to seeing a therapist and being on medication and I don't ever want to be that person again. Not enjoying life. Always being sad without being able to pinpoint why. The only thing I wanted to do was sleep so I could pass the days. I will openly talk about it with anyone in the hopes that maybe I can help even just one person get help. That is not the way to live life.

I feel for all of you and hope that you can find a good dr/therapist to help you through it. I know how much it sucks.

Jenball717 · September 2014

Thank you everyone, yes it was very hard to hear it from DH.
He also said if I wasn't going to go see someone then I needed to tell him so that he could go see someone and learn how to cope with this because he couldn't keep going like this without seeing the possibility of things getting better.
I started bawling then because I feel like he is all I truly have and for it to feel like I was too much even for him was devastating. We have been married 10 years and he has never ever considered divorce, even when things have been really bad (usually due to my depression). To see him at his breaking point was a wake up call I needed.
I was honestly at a tipping point, I needed a reason to feel like I was worth seeing someone and spending the time and money to get better. The other option...well, it wasn't good. But to see the toll I was taking on the people I love, it was enough to finally make me call. These girls need me, my husband needs me, if I can't find a reason to do it for myself right now because I am in so deep, I can do it for
them. And that's what is getting me through it right now. Hopefully soon I will be well enough to see my own worth and realize my importance.

Jenball717 · September 2014

@ksimo6‌ my girls weekend helped me so much more than I thought it would! I hope yours does the same for you. Enjoy every bit of it!

Jenball717 · September 2014

@MonkeyToes15‌ you said it girl, someday it will be better! Keep pushing toward that light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it yet. You are a caring and sweet person, so strong and with so much to give. Your sweet babe will have such an incredible role model and example. It can't be easy, what you are going through, but you are one hell of a fighter.

Jenball717 · September 2014

And to the ladies dealing with feelings of inadequacy as mommies, I'm sending you all the hugs. Parenting is hard. The hardest job in the world. But I truly believe that if you do it with love in your heart and with your baby's best interest in mind, you cannot fail. You all love your babies so much, it is evident in the sacrifices you make for them, the advice you seek for them, the way you talk about them. They are so lucky to have such loving and capable mommies. Their lives won't be perfect, you will likely make mistakes. But learn from those mistakes and move on with more knowledge than you had before them.

As far as family criticism, that is likely more of a reflection of them than you. Maybe they are seeking validation. Maybe they have regrets about their own parenting. Maybe they are just bitter and grouchy and need someone else to dump on. They have either forgotten or haven't experienced being a new mother who is worried about every little thing and unsure about many decisions. Try and brush it off, their opinions don't determine your success.

carawasa · September 2014

@MonkeyToes15‌ hugs woman!

carawasa · September 2014

Guise......... LOLOLOL I just realized I'm taking lexapro and not Zoloft. I seriously can't pay attention for shit.

huntjul · September 2014

I second the "give me the meds" philosophy. If it helps, I'll happily take them in order to keep from being miserable.

@ellestaxx I'm sorry to hear your job is the source of your anxiety. I feel the way about mine too. All working moms miss spending more time with their kiddos, but I try to think of it as quality time and not quantity. When we are together I love on her, teach her new things, take her places so she can see new stuff, etc. When she is with her SAHD, she mostly just plays with toys in the same room while he watches TV or surfs the internet.

In the end I am her mom, and no one can take that job from me. Your LO loves you and is bonded to you like no one else, and that will be true for a long time.

Jenball717 · September 2014

Update: I have an appointment this Thursday at 5. Time to get my shrink on

trackgirlparis · September 2014

Jenball717 said:
Update: I have an appointment this Thursday at 5. Time to get my shrink on

Yay! But damn it...I haven't called in yet lol

Jenball717 · September 2014

trackgirlparis said:

Jenball717 said:
Update: I have an appointment this Thursday at 5. Time to get my shrink on
Yay! But damn it...I haven't called in yet lol

It's ok, I trust that you will.

huntjul · September 2014

trackgirlparis said:

Update: I have an appointment this Thursday at 5. Time to get my shrink on
Yay! But damn it...I haven't called in yet lol

Challenge is on!

trackgirlparis · September 2014

huntjul said:

trackgirlparis said:

Jenball717 said:
Update: I have an appointment this Thursday at 5. Time to get my shrink on
Yay! But damn it...I haven't called in yet lol

Challenge is on!

KerCo51 · September 2014

Hugs to everyone who who isn't feeling well. Just remember that it's not your fault. I am doing pretty well. My sisters wedding is Friday, and I have to give the matron of honor speech and I suddenly got really nervous today. I plan to talk to my doctor about Weaning from the medication at my next appointment. I am much more positive and hopeful about the future now.

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