MIL Venting!! Baby shower vs Arrival shower

artistewonder · September 2014

I will start out saying I am emotional...my MIL means well but I feel she is alittle misguided and stubborn. She is very big on tradition and wants to throw a baby shower for me with my mom. My mom will do whatever it is I want, however she is a different story. I wanted an arrival shower instead, my concerns were that I have very little family and even less friends and the few that are important to me would not be able to attend the shower and to meet the baby. I felt that a good compromise was a welcoming party afterwards when the baby is born. She seems adamant on knowing what we need, its all about people getting us stuff but what people is she referring to? Aside from maybe 5 or 6 women there will be no one else to invite and she mentioned a place that holds a minimum of 50 people..unless she is planning on inviting strangers off the street I don't see how this is possible. It slightly depresses me that I dont have a strong female unit and having even less people there that are in my life makes it all more that apparent. I'm trying to not come off as ungrateful but I dont understand what the big deal is and why my opinion doesn't seem to matter. My husband tried talking to her, twice and she dismissed him saying its not a boy's issue. My mom briefly mentioned this to her in their one time convo and she seems focused on getting stuff for the baby before she arrives, but the baby will still need stuff after shes born! Most items I need prior to the baby's arrival will be big ticketed items that none of these people are going to buy in the first place. It seems petty, I guess I am getting upset that already my wants and opinions are being ignored and the baby isnt even here yet! My father told me its not my mom's place to speak to her, but mine...I am extremely nervous about this, we have never hung out alone or had a single conversation alone. Whenever I chimed in with my husband talking to her I was dismissed just as equally and I dont want to say something that is going to make things worse. I wish there was a way I could speak to her and she would understand. She is not the most stable person, well intentioned and generous but mentally unstable, just so you know I am not exaggerating she is a hoarder and lies to her therapist. Sure I could just go along with what she wants but it is depressing me and getting me upset just at the thought of it. I don't know what to do...maybe I am wrong...maybe its not a big deal..I just hate being bullied.

CanukMam · September 2014

Get used to it Mama, sounds like you going to have to stand up for yourself and LO frequently. Before DS1 arrived, I warned MIL that the times are a' changin and the days of me keeping my mouth shut are long gone.

YaMrWhite · September 2014

Ditto CanukMam. I have a very overly pushy, in your face MIL who I had to put in her place numerous times because of things like this. I know many women think if you are offered a shower that you should accept but in your case it sounds like what you want in place isn't unreasonable and would work well with your small group of friends as well as accommodate their schedules. I would stand up for yourself here. Who cares what your MIL thinks is traditional.

KnitPixy · September 2014

((Hugs))

Maybe approach it from a guest list perspective? Show her your list of who you want there. Point out anyone who is more likely to come out once LO is born and emphasize that you can't come close to the 50 person min she is talking about. That might get through. From the sounds of things I would shy away from talking about what baby "needs" and focus more on who you want there versus what her expectation is... you never know there may be a whole bunch of family from her side that really wants to participate in a shower which might have something to do with her insistance.

nmrd · September 2014

Sorry, I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating having your interests ignored esp with ILs with which you're not that close. I would just try to be as assertive w her as possible, even if it's uncomfortable. Does your H have any tips for reasoning w her or any insight about why she's pushing this or other reasonable compromises she might settle on? Could this be part of her hoarding impulse? Can you tell her you already have everything you need? Does she have contact info for any of the guests such that she could plan a surprise shower? If so could you alert a friend about the situation so that she can tip you off? Does your H understand how much this situation is upsetting you and why?

My only other advice is just to try to reject as much as possible any pressure she's putting on you and remember she can't make you do anything you don't want to. Also, as far as the constant reminder that you feel like you don't have as many women in your life as you'd like, just remember that everyone's support systems change throughout different stages for a variety of reasons so it probably doesn't say anything about you. Try not to let it get you down and instead focus in the quality of the network you have. It sounds like your mom is very supportive, so that's great! Once the baby comes I'm sure you'll have even more opportunities to meet other moms and connect with other women in different ways. In the meantime you've also got the ladies here

Hope things get better soon, good luck!

jc51723 · September 2014

It sounds to me like she wants to throw you a shower as a way to show off to her friends. My MIL did this for our wedding and our first baby. She threw us a wedding shower (after my family already had done a lovely one which she was present at) and invited a ton of people that we didn't even know - her work friends, old school friends and such. Same with a baby shower (again, my sisters threw me a perfectly good baby shower, which she was also present at along with most of DH's family). I wish I would have put my foot down and said NO both times, but can't turn back time now.

Start saying "no" now, because if you think she is pushy now then it will only get worse when the baby comes!!

Jen524 · September 2014

Sounds like my MIL. My DH and I live 7 hours away from our family and my MIL wanted to throw a shower for my first baby for her side of the family at the end of January when I was due beginning of March. I told her I would prefer a shower after the baby was born because she knew I was not going to travel in the winter 5 weeks before my due date. She said I could attend via Skype and I offered up other dates to have it after baby was born because I actually wanted to be there and see all of those relatives. She retracted her offer and went behind my back and had the shower without me knowing. It was all about her. Needless to say we have had many run ins since because she is overly pushy and wants to micromanage everything. You need to firmly let her know what you would prefer because it is probably not the last issue you will have with MIL if she won't listen to you now. And it does seem to get worse when baby arrives. Needless to say my MIL has had a few occasions where she has pouted like a 2 year old because we have told her "no". She got over it. MILs can be tricky people to deal with.

artistewonder · September 2014

Yes!! Yes to almost everything that everyone is saying. Husband has a weird relationship with her that I have yet to understand and when he tries to help it becomes a bigger fight and more issues start to come up. I feel like the only resolve is for me to step in...which I am dreading. Everything she does is a tit for tat. When we had our wedding she literally asked me to open one of the envelopes on the spot so she would know how much this person gave us...making sure it was equal to what this person gave someone else on their side of the family. She over extends herself and does generous acts for other people only so it can be thrown in their face later on. She does not know how to show affection in any other way it seems. I feel like this baby shower is not about me at all, its about her and getting even with all of her family that hasn't done anything for her or her son.

When he initially brought up the arrival shower she immediately responded with "might as well do it when shes in kindergarten." Over dramatic much?? So I have my work cut out for me.

You have all raised some good points, I definitely will emphasize on the guests not the baby's needs. I just hope I won't get too emotional. But then again...who knows... maybe if I start to cry it will help me out...lol

literarymuse · September 2014

@Jen524 She had the shower without you??? How is that a shower? Who opened the gifts? That is totally nuts.

Pips09 · September 2014

If you don't like the shower she is planning, then just decline the shower. While it would be nice if she took your wants into consideration (duh), as the host, it's up to her. I would just decline her shower, and have the party you want after the baby is born.

12chachacha · September 2014

Jen524 said:
Sounds like my MIL. My DH and I live 7 hours away from our family and my MIL wanted to throw a shower for my first baby for her side of the family at the end of January when I was due beginning of March. I told her I would prefer a shower after the baby was born because she knew I was not going to travel in the winter 5 weeks before my due date. She said I could attend via Skype and I offered up other dates to have it after baby was born because I actually wanted to be there and see all of those relatives. She retracted her offer and went behind my back and had the shower without me knowing. It was all about her. Needless to say we have had many run ins since because she is overly pushy and wants to micromanage everything. You need to firmly let her know what you would prefer because it is probably not the last issue you will have with MIL if she won't listen to you now. And it does seem to get worse when baby arrives. Needless to say my MIL has had a few occasions where she has pouted like a 2 year old because we have told her "no". She got over it. MILs can be tricky people to deal with.

Wait, what!? There was a baby shower for your baby and you weren't there? How!?

NatureLovers · September 2014

I think any attempts to reason/discuss/explain etc will be totally futile. She's doing this for her own selfish reasons. It's not really for or about you. You're reasoning with her because since you're a reasonable person you expect her to give a damn about how you feel, but she doesn't care about your feelings and she never will, because she's totally self centered. You need to alter your expectations of her behavior.

You need to put your foot down with zero sugar coating, and be blunt. "MIL, I appreciate the gesture, but for my own reasons I am not comfortable with your plans. If you'd like to throw the shower after the baby is born per my request, great. If not, then the topic is absolutely banned from conversation and my hubby and I will not entertain any further discussion of the matter. OUR answer is no thank you." If she tries to reply angrily and argue, say "Like I said, the topic is banned from conversation. We'll be leaving (or hanging up) now." Then do it, no more talking. Wash, rinse, and repeat as many times as necessary and refuse to talk about it, either by leaving the house or hanging up the phone. Ignore all text messages or emails. Have a zero tolerance policy. If you're having a big family dinner and she throws in a snide comment, silently put your napkins down and leave instantly without speaking. Get your hubby on board and your parents too in case she ropes them in.

Teach her starting now who the boss is going to be regarding your child, or
this will be an issue forever. My plan may sound harsh, but being held as emotional hostages to a crazy person is no way to live.

Jen524 · September 2014

12chachacha said:

Sounds like my MIL. My DH and I live 7 hours away from our family and my MIL wanted to throw a shower for my first baby for her side of the family at the end of January when I was due beginning of March. I told her I would prefer a shower after the baby was born because she knew I was not going to travel in the winter 5 weeks before my due date. She said I could attend via Skype and I offered up other dates to have it after baby was born because I actually wanted to be there and see all of those relatives. She retracted her offer and went behind my back and had the shower without me knowing. It was all about her. Needless to say we have had many run ins since because she is overly pushy and wants to micromanage everything. You need to firmly let her know what you would prefer because it is probably not the last issue you will have with MIL if she won't listen to you now. And it does seem to get worse when baby arrives. Needless to say my MIL has had a few occasions where she has pouted like a 2 year old because we have told her "no". She got over it. MILs can be tricky people to deal with.
Wait, what!? There was a baby shower for your baby and you weren't there? How!?

She invited all her relatives. They did games and had cake. Sent me presents after the fact. Only way I found out was DH's grandma made a comment that's was honored to have held the baby shower at her house. I had no idea it happened until after the fact. They even sent me advice cards that they filled out at the party and guesses on what the baby was/birthdate/stats. I got that in the mail after my DD was born. Needless to say I sobbed because it felt like a huge slap in the face that my MIL was that selfish that she went behind our backs, lied to us, and then sent us advice cards in the mail. I can only imagine what excuse she give the relatives as to why I wasn't there.

artistewonder · September 2014

@jen524

just to let you know your horrific story made me feel less agitated! Seems way worse then what I am up against.

It's comforting to hear what others moms on here are saying but in my immediate family they end up throwing out the "you do things to appease family." I am not a fan of this. I feel like why should I have to sacrifice my wants for the family...not even my blood! I don't feel like they understand if I let this go now it will be the beginning of having to bend at every one of her wills. I don't feel like that is fair. I am normally not so wishy washy and am able to be stern and put my foot down...something about being a FTM has gotten me to be less assertive. I am out of my comfort zone and I feel like everyone is judging me harshly for my wants. Whenever I try to be strong they say I am being snippy or its the pregnancy hormones...I HATE that. I need to snap out of this...asap.

NatureLovers · September 2014

artistewonder said:
@jen524
just to let you know your horrific story made me feel less agitated! Seems way worse then what I am up against.
It's comforting to hear what others moms on here are saying but in my immediate family they end up throwing out the "you do things to appease family." I am not a fan of this. I feel like why should I have to sacrifice my wants for the family...not even my blood! I don't feel like they understand if I let this go now it will be the beginning of having to bend at every one of her wills. I don't feel like that is fair. I am normally not so wishy washy and am able to be stern and put my foot down...something about being a FTM has gotten me to be less assertive. I am out of my comfort zone and I feel like everyone is judging me harshly for my wants. Whenever I try to be strong they say I am being snippy or its the pregnancy hormones...I HATE that. I need to snap out of this...asap.

You don't need to snap out of anything. Telling you you're being hormonal and snippy is just another form of gas lighting: it's a way to subjugate and control women by shaming them for standing up for themselves and not "being nice".

Unknown · September 2014

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artistewonder · September 2014

aditigirl said:

If you don't like the shower she is planning, then just decline the shower. While it would be nice if she took your wants into consideration (duh), as the host, it's up to her. I would just decline her shower, and have the party you want after the baby is born.
+1. It's actually uber rude of you to try and push your dream shower onto her. She offered you a shower. If you want want what she's offering, decline. You don't get to dictate what you get, it's a gift.

As much as I understand this and believe me I dont even want a baby shower at all, this is not a person you can decline to. I am offering the shower afterwards as a compromise. If i was to say no thank you she will feel like i'm pushing her away and not involving her or appreciating her offer. She is not a reasonable person so this logic doesn't seem to work with someone like her.

NatureLovers · September 2014

artistewonder said:

aditigirl said:

Pips09 said:
If you don't like the shower she is planning, then just decline the shower. While it would be nice if she took your wants into consideration (duh), as the host, it's up to her. I would just decline her shower, and have the party you want after the baby is born.
+1. It's actually uber rude of you to try and push your dream shower onto her. She offered you a shower. If you want want what she's offering, decline. You don't get to dictate what you get, it's a gift.

As much as I understand this and believe me I dont even want a baby shower at all, this is not a person you can decline to. I am offering the shower afterwards as a compromise. If i was to say no thank you she will feel like i'm pushing her away and not involving her or appreciating her offer. She is not a reasonable person so this logic doesn't seem to work with someone like her.

--------------
Women have the right to say no to things, even a baby shower which is a gift. I am not referring to dictating what gifts you receive at the shower, but whether to have a shower at all. The OP clearly does not want a baby shower,?and she should not be forced into it to make someone else happy. It's ok to say no.

Jen524 · September 2014

@artistewonder‌
Glad I can help! If anything the whole experience made me realize that if that is how she is going to be then I don't feel bad saying 'no' or putting my foot down to things she tries to pull with my kids. It all comes down to you are the mom. You aren't being unreasonable to ask for a different date. Good luck! MILs can be difficult to work with especially if they are the type that only want their way and don't want to compromise.

Aillise · September 2014

Either flat out tell her, thank you but this is causing to much stress for me, I know you want to help but I want to be heard as well. If a convo like that doesn't work maybe have both. Let her throw a little brunch baby shower with her family and friends and then closer to baby's arrival plan your arrival party with your closest friends and family. That way it can kind of be avoided all together. I know how you feel, she seems a lot like my MIL including the hoarding part (mine shops every weekend buying tons she doesn't need). Lies to her husbands therapist (which she goes in with him, and has him lie) and is controlling and emotionally unstable. I've been dealing with her for 14 years, it doesn't get much easier. Atleast it hasn't for me. My husbands def had to step up and stick up for me, recently. Tellig his mother this isn't her child it's not up to her.

Good luck! Sorry you have to put up with her.

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