How to explain to MIL?

lorist202 · September 2014

My mom and I shop at an enormous semi-annual children's consignment sale. We don't generally shop resale or consignment, but always score at this sale and enjoy the bonding time also. I do not disclose to MIL or even H that I shop there because 1. I'm very picky about consignment/ resale items, and would rather pick out said items myself, and 2. She feels bad/ left out when my mother and I do something together and do not invite her. As an aside, shes a nice lady, and we get along with her just fine, but she is just very different from us, and interacting with her socially can feel like a chore at times.

I would prefer not to take the kids, but the grands are our only sitters. H will be working. MIL, who loves to sit for the kids, is our only option. Should I attempt to explain this and how?

Mustardseed2007 · September 2014

Say you are going out to lunch with your mom b/c she needs some 1 on 1 time with you (ergo immediately letting her know it's to be 1 on 1 time with you and your mom and it also suggests that it's initiated by your mom's needs rather than yours).

Also let her know you may run a few errands or go shopping afterwards so can she be available for a few hours longer.

Then make sure you and your mom both go to the consignment place and then go some place else for lunch before or after.

74dragonfly · September 2014

Mustardseed2007 said:

Say you are going out to lunch with your mom b/c she needs some 1 on 1 time with you (ergo immediately letting her know it's to be 1 on 1 time with you and your mom and it also suggests that it's initiated by your mom's needs rather than yours).
Also let her know you may run a few errands or go shopping afterwards so can she be available for a few hours longer.
Then make sure you and your mom both go to the consignment place and then go some place else for lunch before or after.

This is what id do.

VOR · September 2014

The fact that she gets upset when you and your own MOTHER get together w/o her... kind of jaw on floor on that one.

Anyhow- with all the factors at play here, I'd either find someone else to babysit or I'd just say I was meeting a 'friend' for some shopping. Not really a lie. Your mom is a friend and you'll be shopping. But does your MIL really need to know the details?

But really- this could be a great reason to start branching out and finding other sitter resources.

chloebeth930 · September 2014

I don't think you should lie. It is insane that your MIL gets her feelings hurt because you are spending time with your mother. If you continue to feed into this behavior (lying to her to spare her feelings) then it will never stop. You are not doing anything with the intention of making her feel bad. You can't control how other people feel ( <-- sorry if I am projecting, I have been reading way too much of my "CoDependent no more" book).

Tell her you are going shopping with your mom, and ask if she can watch the kids. She shouldn't need more of an explanation than that.

You have to cut the cycle off sometime.

ASmallWonder · September 2014

Normally I'd say you don't do something that you already know will hurt the person's feelings. If it was something you knew your MIL specifically loved, I'd tread lightly (like a show she wants to go to or if it was to take your mom to see your kid's play or something, kwim?). In this case I'd just tell her that you and your mom had plans to spend the day together but it turns out DH has to work so could she babysit for you. No need to lie OR tell her exactly where you're going. You're entitled to spend time with your mom without anyone there.

minirella · September 2014

I would just ask if she can watch the kids so you can go run some errands. I don't think you should need to explain where you are going shopping or if you are going with anyone.

Or find a sitter for a few hours.

mommatotwo2 · September 2014

I would think she'd appreciate the time with her grandkids, no matter what you're doing. I'd mention that you're going shopping with your mom, would she like to watch the kids during that time, or no? No need to mention you're shopping consignment, if you're worried about her later buying consignment items for the kids. I think its silly that you don't disclose it I your husband though, but I guess DH and I talk about pretty much everything.

litzo27 · September 2014

Ask her to babysit because you and your mom would like to grab lunch. Thank her profusely and do something special for her - what does she like? Maybe you can take her and the kids to an art museum? A picnic?

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How to explain to MIL?

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