Need advice re great grandmother (warning-baby shower post)

aminalex · September 2014

I apologize in advance about another baby shower post but I really couldn't find an answer after doing a search all over the internet (not just the bump). It's a little long so no hard feelings if you pass!

So here's the deal, my mom is throwing me a baby shower. She had hip surgery and then my dad got sick and had to go to the hospital for a few days at the same time. She only started thinking about the shower a few weeks ago because of this stuff. She was going to host it at her place but it's too small and she didn't want to deal with catering, cleaning up after so she changed it to a restaurant last minute that could accommodate us (about 20 people). It's in a week. Great wonderful exciting.

We invited DH's grandmother (she's in her 90s). Unfortunately the restaurant is in a building that does not have an elevator so she can't go. It's too late to change the venue (again. The invite had already said my parents place and my mom sent out an update). My MIL called me about this. I said I'm sorry but it's already planned and paid for. Can't change it. Then she called my mom. My mom told her the same. Then MIL called me again to 'ask' me to call great grandma to apologize and how sad I am. Did that. I told her we'd come over for dinner before the baby and once the baby comes for special alone baby time. She seemed to appreciate that. Thought i was done. MIL called my mom and laid a little guilt trip down again. Okay.

Now she's talked to DH so he came to me saying how 'bad he feels that his GMA can't come to the shower'. Is there anything we can do? It's in ONE WEEK.

I'm starting to get pissed and trying to not lose my composure but I'm at my wits end with these people. I don't want anyone to be upset and it sucks that she can't come but there's nothing to do about it at this point and it's like throwing salt in the wound. I'm already at the point where i feel the shower will be tainted

I really need some advice on what to do/say because if anyone says anything to me about this one more time, I will lose my shit.

MrsMac613 · September 2014

My paternal grandmother also cannot do stairs. To be honest with you I don't plan around her. She knows her limitations and knows that some places aren't handicap assesible. Even when places are sometimes she prefers not to come because it's just a lot for her.

You have already done all you can do. It's unfortunate that your DH's grna can't come but you can't always plan around her. Also it's not like you mom did it purposely it was an oversight. Grandma seems to be ok with a visit later and I'm sure she appreciated your phone call. Your mother in law needs to get over it. She's not the host and she shouldn't be suggesting that the host change things to accommodate one guest.

persephonerose · September 2014

I agree with PP, the host has already selected and paid for a venue, it is not your job to try and move things around.

I personally hate people trying to guilt me. If she kept it up I would tell MIL she was uninvited.

Other options that are nice

Have DH and another male offer to carry GMA up the stairs. Not terribly dignified, I doubt GMA would even want to do this but you could offer it.

Or set up a video feed so GMA can watch/interact at the shower via a program like Skype. If she is not tech savy this might require someone staying with her to help her with it.

IrishHoney123 · September 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this stress! The fact is, you aren't the hostess. I would remind MIL & DH of that fact and that you feel disappointed that grandma can't be there, too, but their continued pressure on you is stressing you out. They have already voiced their concerns to the hostess, the venue can't be changed, so they will have to accept it. It sounds like grandma already has. You shouldn't have to worry another moment about it! Good luck!

cozybluebear · September 2014

How many stairs are there? At my brother's wedding, they put our grandmother on a chair and two big guys carried it up... granted, she's a tiny little thing.

aminalex · September 2014

It's a full flight of stairs from what I understand. She is tiny as well and they were considering carrying her as well but I don't know what is happening with that. I honestly didn't even think she would really want to come. She's so old and fragile.

I do have to just talk to DH and let him know how stressful this is for me (I was up from 230 to 6 last night thinking about it). I really want him to be my advocate on this. He actually said last night 'if she was your grandmother, you would have made sure she could come'. Now that I've had a chance to process that, I'll also tell him how not cool that is. She's not my grandmother. My grandmother died a few years ago.

I feel like I'm going to have to have a lot of heart-to-hearts with people. Ugh!

JessAnnJ · September 2014

I would have a huge issue if my shower were not at a place accessible for my grandmother. It sucks not being able to enjoy fun events because of physical limitations. Your post actually made me sad. So I get where MIL is coming from regarding being upset. Obviously your mom didn't do it on purpose, but your MIL is probably thinking the oversight would not have happened if it were your mom's mom instead of MILs mom. I think the only option is for someone to carry her. If the restaurant has already been paid you can't really change restaurants. If it hadn't been paid for, I would have leaned towards trying to find another venue if possible. Can you do breakfast or something with her the day of the shower so she's still getting to see you that day?

persephonerose · September 2014

aminalex said:

It's a full flight of stairs from what I understand. She is tiny as well and they were considering carrying her as well but I don't know what is happening with that. I honestly didn't even think she would really want to come. She's so old and fragile. I do have to just talk to DH and let him know how stressful this is for me (I was up from 230 to 6 last night thinking about it). I really want him to be my advocate on this. He actually said last night 'if she was your grandmother, you would have made sure she could come'. Now that I've had a chance to process that, I'll also tell him how not cool that is. She's not my grandmother. My grandmother died a few years ago. I feel like I'm going to have to have a lot of heart-to-hearts with people. Ugh!

That is a really crappy thing to say. To make that comment implies that they think your mom did this on purpose.

You are not hosting this party, everyone should be thrilled that your mom was still able to pull this party together based on what is going on for her and your dad. If they don't like the way this party is being handled then they should have volunteered to help your mom when things went crazy. Or throw their own damn party.

Its a baby shower FFS not a wedding.

MuffinMom14 · September 2014

I'm with people who say "look, it's done, and the solution is for her to be carried. Would she like that? We will do that."

Done.

My grandmother is not mobile either, and she insists on coming places that, quite frankly, she should not.* We carry her around. That is the only solution here.

*unnecessary outings that she often ends up falling down at and needing medical attention at--she refuses to believe she is 92 and wants to be a part of everything, including weekly bingo. Stop going to bingo. You're going to fall down, crack your skull open (for the third time) and die in the hospital. Wouldn't you rather die of natural causes at this point, not falling down? But. Anyway. No one listens to me.

aminalex · September 2014

Thanks for all the advice ladies!

I broke down this morning and was crying before DH even woke up. So he came out to see me sobbing in the living room trying to eat a bowl of cheerios (not my finest moment). I told him how stressed out this whole situation was making me and that I really didn't appreciate his comment regarding my grandmother. He basically felt like shit (which was not my intention, but you know when the floodgates open... there's really no stopping them). He kept apologizing for bringing it up and not thinking it through before saying anything.

We will not change the venue, as the deposit is already paid for and it's not fair to ask my mom to lose that money. I've decided that I will continue to breath and be a composed and graceful young woman and not let the crazy rule my life. If MIL says anything to me, I will politely explain to her the situation one more time, saying that it's unfortunate situation but it is done and if they can arrange to have her carried, that would be wonderful, but if not, we would appreciate if she didn't bring it up any more and to point her in my mom's direction.

Starla, My mom was up and walking within hours of the surgery! The hospital actually encourages as much movement as possible. She was just a bit unstable and tight and had to use crutches and a cane for like a month. Hip replacements are pretty awesome now a days!

toomanycats1 · September 2014

I am super close to my grandparents, so I have to disagree. We always think about the grandparents first, because they are the matriarch/patriarchs of our family. If my gramma couldn't come to my shower, I would have less people come so we could have it at a smaller facility. Ditto for DH's grandmother.

Like it or not, your husband has a point, and your grandmother probably would get more consideration than his is getting...especially with your side hosting. Take MIL out of the equation, the baby's father is saying how he feels, and you don't want to leave him feeling unheard.

I've been there, it's hard to treat both sides of the family equally (or equal enough), but it's about the baby/child too, and this is just the first debate you'll have about this if DH starts to feel one side is being prioritized over the other. But then again, I think Baby Showers have become excuses for nothing but bad manners and are taken WAY too seriously, so there is that :P

bitsybubbles7 · September 2014

That's sucky. I don't get why they are jumping your shit, it's not like you planned your shower. And it's not like your mom intentionally excluded dh's grandmother. If it gets brought up again, I would kindly explain one more time and then let it be.

staryb · September 2014

This makes me feel kind of bad. I had my shower last weekend and it honestly didn't occur to me that some of my guests might have a hard time with the venue until the day of. DH's grandma and little sister are both in a wheelchair and the venue my mom chose had stairs. Luckily the second floor was also accessible from outside but it was still not the most ideal situation. In any case I can sympathize with you in that it didn't occur to me to make sure my mom was aware that DH's family has some physical limitations.

Leading up to my shower though I was also getting a lot of grief from my MIL (because my mom wasn't communicating with her enough) and some other family members who supposedly hadn't gotten invitations (That were invited). No one bothered to talk to my mom (who was hosting) about this and all came straight to myself and DH. I scrambled to get invites out to those people and also did a last minute food run on my way to the shower to accommodate some gluten free guests and for all that these things stressed me out not one of the people in question even bothered to show up.

Sorry for the mini vent there, just wanted to say that I have an idea of how you feel and to try not to stress too much as it wont help anything. I was extremely anxious before, during and after my shower when I should have been enjoying myself. Stressing you out is not good for you or your little one. Try to calmly tell your MIL to leave you alone so that you can relax and enjoy the experience. It sounds to me like you've been as accommodating and reasonable as you can be and it really shouldn't be your problem to fix anyway.

MrMrsandBaby · September 2014

If your MIL thinks it is such a big deal, let her host her own and invite GMIL. Like PP's have said, you aren't hosting and it sucks that people are bringing the issues to you. I know it is easy for me to say since I am not the one dealing with it but if you think MIL will make it uncomfortable then let her...she will look silly and you just need to enjoy your day and pending dinner with GMIL.

Disneygeek77 · September 2014

Well to be honest, I can see where your MIL is coming from too. Remember, you might be a MIL one day too and how would you feel if your mom couldn't come to a baby shower for your child ?

I agree that this is just a party, however, when you are elderly sometimes things like baby showers are your only chance for socialization and to feel young again as well as a way to connect to people you rarely see. These feelings can be amplified when you have mobility issues.

This is what I would do

1. Call the restaurant and see if there is any way possible they could have the shower on the main floor or on a patio ?

2. Brainstorm with MIL about an alternative. Not a shower as that would put her in an awkward situation, but maybe something like a small gathering with just you guys, the ILs and GMA.

BreandMikewedding · September 2014

I would tell your mother in law that you didn't plan this shower and don't have control over where it is being held and since it has been paid for it can't be changed at this point. I would then suggest that if granny wants to come to a shower so badly that your mil could always throw a separate shower (which she could have offered from the beginning if it was so important to her).

silliegirlie143 · September 2014

I have a fragile, immobile Grandma, too. I invite her places and let HER decide what she can/cannot attend.

The shower is a done deal. If MIL wants special accommodations she can plan another shower.

My IL's got "hurt" because they weren't invited to the shower that my family threw. Tough tootsies. Our families do not celebrate holidays, birthdays, graduations together. So of course the thought of doing one shower never came up either. (Meaning I can feel your pain over this)

Last opinion: you are not the hostess... MIL is barking up the wrong tree

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