Sex after baby

Smallllmin · September 2014

So, after five weeks, I have finally been cleared for normal activity!

Super exciting. The backstory here is that I spotted on and off until 16 weeks, dx with vasa previa at 20 weeks, and was in he hospital on bed rest from 32-35 weeks. My point is, DH and I haven't had sex since January.

Now, after being cleared for normal activity again, I'm beyond excited to get back in the swing of things!

In the parkinglot of CVS on our way to buy a pack of condoms (I hate hormonal BC), my husband said he feels weird about sex now.

He said that it's been so long since we've done it, he felt like he basically had to shut it off, and not think of me in that way for the past eight months. He now thinks of me more as the mother of our child, instead of In a sexy way.

I have to say, I'm mildly horrified. I am not putting him at fault for it, because it was a very long wait, so I understand that the first time(s) might be a little awkward. But I can't say this is helping my already suffering after-baby body image.

Not to mention, I feel like our marriage is suffering, because we literally have zero sex life now (and for the past eight months).

Does anyone else have a similar situation? STMs? Will this ever get back to normal?

I'm a little panicked. And I miss being sexual with my husband.

jaime52005 · September 2014

Have a drink and go for it! Make him see you as sexy and not just te mother of his child ! It's been a while you just have to get back in the swing of things

keverest · September 2014

I don't have advice for you, but I totally know where you're at! My husband has been anti-sex for a few months now, he has said that he sees me as the mother of his daughter and has a hard time not thinking about her when he sees my belly. It was really hard for me to understand at first, I felt like I was getting rejected by my own husband! I'm anxious to find out how things go after she's born and things get to a new normal. I would suggest communicating extra about this topic, it's the only thing that helped me not feel so bad.Good luck!

jg1011 · September 2014

Im in the no sex for 9 month group simply bc DH cant touch me when I'm pregnant. freaks him out for some reason. it bothered me at first, but i just figured it would get better after. It does get better.....the first few times are awkward. DH had a hard time. But then it just somehow returned to what it used to be.....albeit a bit more rushed since you are trying to DTD before LO wakes up! Lol!

I agree with PP....do what you can for him to see you as sexy.....and then just give it time!

Ahlome08 · September 2014

I second what PPs said, and add that maybe counseling wouldn't hurt.

alanaw121 · September 2014

The have a drink to loosen up first recommendation is a really good one. Men tend to over think things and he may also be a little worried about hurting you. I had a similar situation with my first and assume I will have it again with my second because it has also been a long time for is due to preterm labor issues and being on pelvic rest. The last time we did have sex he said it didn't feel the same and he couldn't enjoy it/ was struggling through it a little so that has me worried about what it will be like now. I assume when I'm ready (it's only been two weeks) we will need to have a drink or two in the system and even then it's going to be weird and uncomfortable for both of us. Plus side to having a drink is your muscles are a little more relaxed so it hopefully won't hurt as much. The first time I had sex after DS, it hurt and that was a few months later. After you get the first time out of the way though it gets better and is a lot easier. Some women are even tighter and have more control over their muscles there so he might even find it more enjoyable. Find something YOU feel sexy in and just go for it one night. He will likely get on board if you look and feel like you're comfortable and ready again. Best of luck!

MrsLaLaBug · September 2014

It will get back to normal!! It's sometimes hard to put the brakes on everything during pregnancy when issues arise and you have to take a sexy time hiatus. But it sounds like you and your DH already communicate about it(your feelings) very well! That's a great start!! Everything else will fall into place, don't worry. Do something to make yourself feel sexy and maybe that will help. It might not be perfectly romantic and mind blowing the first time, but it will get back to "normal" for y'all with a little time! Hugs!

LaurenWarwick · September 2014

jg1011 said:

Im in the no sex for 9 month group simply bc DH cant touch me when I'm pregnant. freaks him out for some reason. it bothered me at first, but i just figured it would get better after. It does get better.....the first few times are awkward. DH had a hard time. But then it just somehow returned to what it used to be.....albeit a bit more rushed since you are trying to DTD before LO wakes up! Lol!

I agree with PP....do what you can for him to see you as sexy.....and then just give it time!

My hubby is the same- we had sex until he could see my belly, then it freaked him out. I was really sad about it at first, but got used to it. Glad to know it gets better afterward!!! I'm looking forward to it lol

LaurenWarwick · September 2014

Once you get back into it, how do you work around breast milk? I have all these horrible visions of trying to DTD, and leaking milk everywhere. Being a FTM, I don't know how the flow works! I guess any boob touching is out of the question?

Smallllmin · September 2014

LaurenWarwick said:

Once you get back into it, how do you work around breast milk? I have all these horrible visions of trying to DTD, and leaking milk everywhere. Being a FTM, I don't know how the flow works! I guess any boob touching is out of the question?

I didn't even think of this! I guess I'll be wearing a bra when it finally does happen!

Smallllmin · September 2014

Thanks everyone. Drinks will be had, for sure. I'm sure it will get back to normal soon... I'm just in such a hurry to have my old life back!

mrsH1112 · September 2014

I think discussions like this can help us all. Im going to be a FTM and my husband in general has never really had a huge sex drive. My dr suggested sex to us last night to help dialate my cervix a bit and DH looked like a deer in headlights. He didnt say he wasnt into it per say but I could tell.

I think the suggestion people had about having a couple of drinks and then maybe taking charge a bit is a good one. I think that would totally be what will work with my DH. Im thinking being slightly tipsy and then sort of telling him that i missed him like that and wanted to try it, and then me sort of taking the initiative with things would help it be not as weird.

Good luck!

mrsH1112 · September 2014

LaurenWarwick said:

Once you get back into it, how do you work around breast milk? I have all these horrible visions of trying to DTD, and leaking milk everywhere. Being a FTM, I don't know how the flow works! I guess any boob touching is out of the question?

I wondered this as well! My DH is big on boob play and Im totally wondering how thats going to work out post baby.

mrsdanielleM2010 · September 2014

Putting this out there right now: first person to come on this thread and say that pregnant sex isn't a problem for their dh/so or to talk about how easily sex came back after baby is going to get flamed to high heaven and put on the post it.

You've been warned.

amom2four · September 2014

This is making me hurt all over. Can't even think about it at this point, sorry dh, not gonna freakin happen.

Blemaro · September 2014

I want to add that working on foreplay throughout the day could be really helpful! My midwife suggested really passionate kissing to help get hormones flowing for labour. We started really paying atttention to kissing like we mean it, not just a quick peck during the day and when we say goodbye and it was a little awkward at first but definitely made us both reconnect and feel more lovey to eachother. It also makes a difference to my man when I intetionally rub his back or touch him more throughout the day. And snuggling is always nice when we're watching tv or talking. It's so easy to get out of affectionate habits when you're feeling unwell or exhausted but I find they really help get the flame burning again for both of us

Good luck!

alanaw121 · September 2014

@LaurenWarwick‌ I found that the best thing to do if you're worried about boob leakage is to pump/ nurse soon before. This way they are not quite as full and are less likely to leak. After pumping you should be safe with touching but I'd avoid squeezing them and too much nipple stimulation.

aliciak316 · September 2014

I agree with the PPs grab some drinks, put on something sexy and just see how it goes! It might take some time to go back to the old times, but I'm sure after the first time he's going to realize how much he missed it. Sex is weird for a little bit after baby but it does go back to normal fairly quickly but it does take some work.

Marchie1214 · September 2014

Grab the booze and lube and throw on something you feel sexy in. It's awkward at first but you'll get back into it. It took me until almost 6 months postpartum with my first to give it a go at all. And it took until 8 months for me to enjoy it again. GL!

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