Ambivalence about TTC

lc&jw · September 2014

So I'm really torn about whether to try for baby #3. I can come up with so many pros and cons to having a third child. DH is totally on board to have one more. I just don't know.

I feel very content with the 2 wonderful babies we have, but I also think it could be wonderful to have a 3rd child in our family. I worry a little about the financial impact, the lifestyle changes (new car, changing up the bedrooms in our house or getting a new house), the toll on my body if I need another C-section. I worry about how to get through those difficult early months of sleeplessness, though I know that another baby could never be as challenging as what we've already been through with twins and a colicky baby. I worry about having enough patience and energy. I also worry about the chance of more miscarriages, or the possibility of having a baby with serious health issues.

Regardless of how many kids you have now, how did you decide whether to add to your family or stop where you are? Any thoughts about pros and cons of a 3rd?

Has anyone else felt so ambivalent? How did you resolve it?

tamarar5 · September 2014

We are very play it by ear kind of people. We both grew up in Polish Catholic families-- meaning LARGE families-- so we are comfortable with big families. We are very open to having a bigger family of our own. I think I'll be in menopause before I truly accept that I'm done having babies, and I'll probably still cry, regardless of how many children we actually have.

That said, I would be perfectly happy right now if we were done at three. I think that this is something that YOU need to be comfortable with, and if you aren't totally ready yet, then maybe now isn't the right time? Have you told your DH your concerns?

SummerLove21 · September 2014

For me, it's more of a gut thing. Right after DS, I wasn't sure I wanted more. Like, beyond just the newborn "holy crap" phase. I really thought I might be OAD. Then I started thinking about a second and then wanting a second, and while it happened a little sooner than I had planned, it was still in the cards. Will there be a third and/or fourth? I don't know. I'll tell you when I get there. ;-)

If it doesn't feel right to you right now, then that's okay. It might feel right in a month, six months, a year, two years, three years, maybe never. And all of those things are okay. It's what you are most comfortable with.

kelly321 · September 2014

I could have written this post word for word. We have decided to TTC next cycle because I really think we would regret it later if we didn't have a third. Am I looking forward to adding a third child in the short term? Well, that depends on the moment you ask. Sometimes heck yes!! And sometimes oh heck no, I think I may call off the TTC thing. But I think I'm going to go through with it. What I definitely do not want is to just continually put it off until I'm ready because that may be a very long time and neither DH nor I want a gap of more than 3 years between kids (if we can help it. If we have trouble TTC this time around that's a different story).

Because I'm so on the fence about it, I've considered saying "just one more pregnancy regardless of the outcome." And then if I have a miscarriage I would see that as my sign from god that maybe we're meant to only have 2. That probably seems nuts to some of you, though, so obviously it's not meant as a recommendation, just a description of how I'm trying to deal mentally with the split feelings I've got about adding another child.

ggatlanta · September 2014

Practical matters were central: house, car, educations, my health. I always wanted a large family - but I also always want cheesecake for breakfast. Some things aren't mine for the wanting. I feel very happy and peaceful now, even knowing my lifelong four-children plan will never be. I love our perfect family of four.

kleigh926 · September 2014

At this point we've both agreed to three, although DH would like more. How you're feeling right now is kind of how I imagine myself feeling after our third (but our house and car situation would have to be addressed with the third one as well). I think I would definitely be satisfied with three, but depending on our life circumstances at the time, if DH still really wanted another I might be open to four. However, everything would have to be pretty perfect. We would have to be comfortable financially, have a big enough house to avoid feeling cramped, and I would need to feel as though I could handle another pregnancy physically.

Puck1182 · September 2014

I feel this way after one. Ideally, I want another, my heart wants another, but taking into consideration practical matters (potentially changes to my health insurance (which was just autocorrected to Ralph insurance, WTF??) next year that would render prenatal and maternity care unaffordable, especially if there are complications, plus the fact that those health insurance changes might mean I'll be looking for another job, mean now is not the right time. But I also don't want to wait too long either.

I feel like I need at least another year to sort of get our finances in order. I want our cars and my student loans just about paid off before we have a second, because that would free up like $500/month, which would make a HUGE difference in terms of being able to afford childcare since my mom thinks that if we have a second she could only handle babysitting 2-3 days a week instead of four. But I'm scared that if I don't have a second until I'm ~34 I might not be up to dealing with the newborn stage again while also juggling a career and a preschooler.

I have too many thoughts and feelings on this matter.

draeray · September 2014

My heart wants another one and we are currently TTC, however, I go through periods of WTH am I doing? I love my life, the hard part of having a baby is over, I love DS so much and the thought of taking any attention away from him really bothers me which makes me question why do we want another? But then again, we have the space, the car, and the money for another one and my husband is 10 years older than I am so we just don't have the time to sit around and wait a 'few' years.

lc&jw · September 2014

ggatlanta said:

Practical matters were central: house, car, educations, my health. I always wanted a large family - but I also always want cheesecake for breakfast. Some things aren't mine for the wanting. I feel very happy and peaceful now, even knowing my lifelong four-children plan will never be. I love our perfect family of four.

Okay, so I think this is one of the things I'm really struggling with. I've always been super practical, sometimes too much so. Also very conservative about finances, again, maybe too much so. The practical side of me says we should just stop now, while we can afford the family we have. But my heart still kind of wants another baby for many different reasons. Sometimes I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just follow my heart, whatever it says, without worrying about the future.

Basically I'm scared of having regrets. Future regrets if we decide not to have a 3rd and then someday wish we did. Also potential regrets if we have a third and it is somehow too much for us to manage.

Welcome to adulthood. There are no right answers.

mishka29 · September 2014

DH and I had our "plan". Made by me and approved by him. Two kids two years apart. So I stuck with the plan. I know I wanted another baby and so did DH but I don't know that we put A LOT of thought into if the timing was right. We just stuck with the plan. My sis and sil both have two girls two years and it seemed like a good gap. Now we'll have two girls two years apart!!!

Eta: i know I just sounded like a flakey moron but I just meant sometimes I over think things to death and I didn't with this decision. i still put thought into it! Lol

cinnasugar · September 2014

I'm also on the fence about a third, and I think we are just going to wait awhile to see how we feel in a few months, years, etc.

lc&jw · September 2014

Thanks everyone for all your thoughtful responses. Reading through these has helped me recognize and articulate my reservations about this. It's also made me realize that I'm afraid of all the variables I can't control and all the "what ifs" that come with trying for a third.

Realistically, I'm in my late 30's with a history of fertility issues, so we don't have much time to wait and see how we feel about it down the line. I have a feeling we'll be taking the approach of not preventing for a while, since I feel like the likelihood of getting pregnant that way is on the low side, so if I did get pregnant, I guess I would feel that it was meant to be. The idea of taking a more planful approach right now still scares the sh!t out of me!

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